• Member Since 13th May, 2012
  • offline last seen May 23rd

Benman


Benman belongs to a class of bipedal ape notable for its use of tools and clothing, highly adept at symbolic communication such as language and art.


E
Source

"Once upon a time," said Fluttershy, "there were two sisters who lived with their mother in a cabin in the woods. They loved each other very much."

Audiobook by The Living Library

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 33 )

Nice work man, this was cool.

so simple, and yet chilling and telling, right in the manner of those sorts of "just so" stories. Brilliant.

Benman
Site Blogger

1503820

opens to-do list
flips to "impress the guy whose work convinced me to start writing fanfiction"
crosses out

OH SHIT

NO SLEEP TONIGHT

Tracking device ACTIVATE!
Well done.:twilightsmile:

Wow, okay. Didn't see that coming, from Fluttershy of all ponies no less. I think it was precisely because it was Fluttershy, though, that I was slightly doubtful about the end, but the twist was there, and it did what it needed to do, and that's a high skill in itself.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

>“I won’t,” said Everfree.
I do believe this is a typo.

Well, this was kind of nicely creepy. I rather saw where things were going the entire time, and the storytelling format is a little on the simplistic side, but I think this accomplishes what it sets out to do.

Oooh~ Really nice, :moustache: Simple, but deep, and Fluttershy's voice in my head made it more delicious.

I really liked it.

As far as it goes for it being slightly simplistic, and the fact that one can sort of see the ending coming, I think it is a good thing. Or, at the least, it makes sense. This is supposed to be a scary story for children, and on that regard, you get the flavor of it down well, besides being more than a little creepy.

Wonder why Fluttershy told it, they'll not sleep after that.

Oh, and good use of the format, in the sense that I could picture the CMC interrupting just so, and her having to fend off answers before they get into it.

I'm still not a fan of this framing device. I feel like it's an excuse to write more in a script style and omit description. *shrug*

Benman
Site Blogger

1521024

“I won’t [eat the flower],” said Everfree.

I guess "I will [be careful]" would've worked, too. In hindsight, that's more ambiguous than I'd like.

EDIT: I am not a clever pony.

1521085
>Wonder why Fluttershy told it, they'll not sleep after that.

I wanted to imply that Fluttershy was trying to scare/warn the kids away from the forest in the future, but one of the weaknesses of this format is that I couldn't convey that very strongly.

1521131

There's some truth to that. I made that choice mostly to play with the emphasis on the story-within-a-story elements, but it's also partly to capture the description-light, matter-of-fact atmosphere of a fairy tale.

15210241521333
That should be Oleander, not Everfree, speaking, right?

Benman
Site Blogger

1521461

Oh. Oh, right. I am entirely blind, apparently. Fixed.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Hey hey hey, this is pretty nice. The structure of this story reminds me much like a fairy tale (before companies like Disney ruined them that is:twilightangry2:) where it shows about a cute and innocent setting before it gets complex and dark were not all tales have an happy ending and often have wisdom though sad, yet insightful message. So I have to say, well done man. A hidden gem for sure. Keep up the good work man.:pinkiehappy:

Best regards

Sometimes Oleander catches a little filly who reminds her of her sister, and then… well, maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Nudge nudge, wink wink!
:rainbowlaugh:

Great story!

That was a wonderful piece of quietly disturbing fiction, told in an entirely in-character way by its narrator. Given how fearful she is, Fluttershy probably knows quite a few stories like this one...

Nice work! :pinkiehappy:

Ezn

Coyote as in this coyote, right? I read his lines in Mark Hamill's Joker voice anyway.

I really liked this. Short, sweet, and chilling.

We need more stories like this.

Damn, color me impressed! A very good story, there are so many different aspects about it that deserve to be praised, but what really shines through to me is the flawless execution of the concept. A delightfully chilling idea presented absolutely perfectly. a beautiful read and certainly a new favorite of mine.

50th like, amazing story bro.

1520630
Whatever do you mean,no sleep?:unsuresweetie:

2454221 It means I won't be sleeping

Dat ending

That's... chilling. Especially the last line.
I imagine it'd be insane to hear this in Fluttershy's voice.

1577696 Nah, THAT Coyote wouldn't do something like that. He's a trickster, but he likes people too much to eat one. (I'm assuming the same goes for ponies, since they're roughly the equivalent.)

Pony fairy tales are the best.

Creepy.:fluttershysad:
The writing style is a bit peculiar though.

I wasn't too sure about the ending. It seemed a bit rushed for my tastes. But all in all a very good story. :yay:

Saw it coming, but 11/12 nonetheless.

This really reminds me of a fairy tale. Nicely done.

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