Chapter 8
It’d been a few weeks since my conversation with Fluttershy, and since coming out to myself. Since then, I’d managed to come out to all my other friends as an agender trans mare. Some were surprised, others not so much. But they all reacted well. Even though it made me feel indecisive to flip flop like this In some ways it was easier coming out again, since they already knew I was trans.
Since I’d talked to Fluttershy, I’d also done more of my own research into medical transition. But something was making me hesitant to take the next step.
I only realized why after a certain three fillies practically ambushed me while I was on the way to lunch with my friends, and demanded my cutie mark story.
I knew where I was going to get my hormone prescription. I knew the specialists I wanted to see about the medical transfiguration treatments. But if I did any of those things, put this out into the world officially. She would know. There isn’t a logical reason, really. Celestia doesn’t snoop around my personal medical records. But it still feels like somehow she would find out. Somepony would gossip, some aide would send her a memo. And then she would know, and I wouldn’t be the one to tell her.
I tried to put that worry out of my mind as I met up with my friends.
The six of us ended up sitting around a table in Sugarcube corner. Being surrounded by my friends is always nice, and now it’s even nicer. Pinkie and Fluttershy sit on either side of me, more closely packed than I would’ve been comfortable with before. But now it felt almost normal.
We chatted about the three fillies who had caught up to each of us previously and demanded cutie mark stories, talking and joking.
Until those same fillies burst in. And Rainbow Dash headed for the door expectantly.
The five of us watched from the sidelines as Rainbow told the story of that fateful race. One that I had never heard before. My eyes were almost as wide as the crusaders when it was finished.
“And that, little ones, is how you earn a cutie mark.”
“Wooooaaaahhhhh…” Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom all exclaim in awe, “Thanks for the story Rainbow Dash!”
Scootaloo turns to the other two. “Now we just need to try cloud racing!”
Applebloom raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’ll exactly work.”
“We’ll improvise! Come on!” Scootaloo turns, and the others follow, making their way out of Sugarcube Corner. The three fillies practically leave a dust trail in their wake. We share a little laugh for a moment at the exuberant fillies.
Then a contemplative expression dawns on Fluttershy’s face. She gets up from the table, working her way toward Rainbow Dash, until she finally speaks up, “Wait a second. I heard that explosion. And I saw the rainbow too. Rainbow Dash, if you hadn't scared the animals, I never would have learned I could communicate with them and gotten my cutie mark.”
Pinkie chimes in, bouncing out of her seat as well, “I heard that boom! And right afterwards, there was this amazing rainbow that taught me to smile.”
“When I got my cutie mark, I saw a rainbow that pointed me home. I bet it was your sonic rainboom!” Applejack says.
Rarity blinks, speaking up, “There was an explosion I could never explain when I got my cutie mark.”
And then they’re all up, pressing in around Rainbow Dash, eager to share their discoveries. Rainbow is surprised, but is far from bothered by the attention.
I blink, listening to each of my friends, and thinking back to my own past. That can’t be… I remember that same Rainbow light. The day of the entrance exam, It saved me.
I finally rise as well, stopping a good few steps away from the group. It takes a moment for me to realize I’m doing it. I normally set myself a step apart from them, it’s reflexive. And I’ve been trying— No, I’ve decided I’m not going to do it anymore. Because I don’t have to. And that reality never fails to put a nervous grin on my muzzle. It feels forbidden, just to take that one step closer. But I do.
And my friends part seamlessly to let me in, like I had always belonged here. My stomach fizzles with butterflies.
They turn to look at me and I speak up. “This is uncanny! There was an explosion, if it hadn’t happened when it did, I would have blown my entrance exam.” My eyes are wide. “Rainbow Dash... I think you helped me earn my cutie mark too!”
Pinkie hears me and gasps, turning to Rainbow. “We all owe our cutie marks to you!“
“We all got our cutie marks at the same time, all because of Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy wonders from beside me, “It’s like we were all connected, even before we met!”
“I’m glad and all, that you’re realizing that I’m basically the most important pony in Equestria,” Rainbow says. I see AJ roll her eyes in my peripherals. Rainbow turns to Fluttershy. “But aren’t we like, already connected? Elements of Harmony and all that jazz?”
Rarity titters, I see her behind Fluttershy through a pink curtain. “It’s an entirely different matter! That old prophecy didn’t say anything about us, I like to think we earned our spots.” She clasps her hooves together, tilting her head dreamily. “But this? It’s so romantic! Six friends, bound across time and space to one day come together and save Equestria! Oh I do so like that, our own little fairy tale!”
“Eeee!!” Pinkie bounces in place. “I always had five superrific friends, even before I knew I did!”
Fluttershy speaks up, “I’m just happy it meant that we all found each other…”
“And I don’t know about all this destiny hoopla, but I reckon I wouldn’t know what to do without you girls.”
“Ohh!” Pinkie says tenderly, “AJ!”
Fluttershy hums in smiling assent.
“Oh darling, you’re just the sweetest!” Rarity says.
Rainbow drops her eyelids, grinning. “I knew you’d be lost without me.”
Applejack looks at her flatly. “Yeah, I’d sure be lost without a winged varmint nappin’ in my trees and making my apples go mysteriously missing,” Applejack says, putting mysteriously in hoof quotes.
“Great! Glad you agree!” Rainbow says, satisfied.
Applejack’s sigh is a fond one. And it sets Pinkie giggling. Even Rarity hides a polite chuckle behind a hoof.
My voice is soft but hopeful, “Somehow, someway, we have a special connection. We belong together.” My breath hitches a little. “That means that… that I belong here too, right? With you?”
“‘Course you do!” Applejack says in shock.
“You do. Haven’t we told you that enough times?” Rainbow says, looking concerned and flustered.
“That doesn’t mean I believed it!” ‘Believed’ comes out as a pained and incredulous hiccup. I shut my eyes, taking a moment to compose myself so I don’t just start crying.
My moment is interrupted by a hoof on my shoulder, and Fluttershy’s voice, “I’m so sorry you felt you didn’t belong, but I’m so proud that’s starting to change.”
“Indeed, you’re our darling and very dear friend!”
“And we don’t need some silly destiny to tell us that! You’re our Twily!! You’re our bestest friend and we're not giving you up!”
Fluttershy says, “You belong because we want you here.”
“And we’ll just keep reminding you that until it sticks!” Rainbow says, determination in her eyes.
My whole field of view is filled with them, a blur of colors all around me that speak of safety and joy. Their voices, and their warmth, and their life, it travels in a soft wave from the tip of my hooves to the end of my tail. My girls.
As I look at them, the embers in my chest, the ones that had been smothered by fear, start to burn again. An infinite pulsing fire in my chest. For one irrational moment, I fear it’s another magic surge like when I was a foal. But it— It feels like that night. Like a spark. Like the Spark. The one that started everything. And here it is again, burning in miniature in the spot my heart should be.
The spark that shows me that everything, everypony, is connected. That each of us is beautiful, a wonder. But together? When we let ourselves mingle and dance, that’s when we become magic.
I had used magic before, but never understood it. Not until I saw those five mares, each one a unique and singular tapestry composed out of matter and breath and soul. The beauty, the truth of it overwhelmed me, that was my spark.
I bet I would have seen myself that way too. Except I hadn’t wanted to look. I averted my eyes from myself, from ‘Dusk Shine'. I gazed solely onto those mares, the ones that felt safe to love. But whether I saw it or not, that light was in me too, burning and straining to be recognized, to finally be seen.
And I realize I’m here. They see me.
I only need to reach out to them and accept it. Loving them not from afar, as an astronomer studying the detached beauty of distant stars, but as one of them, as part of them.
They’re all part of me.
I could be part of them.
I am part of them.
I’m— I’m bright and wonderful, like they are. Or at least, I can be. The idea that I belong by their side, that we were meant to be together, it’s enough to crack my heart open. And all that pours out is magic. The unmitigated excitement, that this is real and here and now. I have friends! That care about me, who opened up the world to me! And I get to keep them, I get to be with them, and it’s ok to be with them. No, more than that, it’s good to be with them.
It’s good for them and for me, we make each other happier! And how completely amazing is that? I know how to name this feeling. It’s love, burning inside me. Love for my friends, for these ponies I cherish. It’s pouring through my veins like molten metal, too bright and too warm to be contained.
I just— I just need to—
“Girls…” My voice breaks, and they all look with concern. As they do, I’m wrapping everypony within my forelegs reach in a huge hug. I’ve never initiated a group hug before, it didn’t feel like my place. But this friendly touch is safe, welcome, and mutual.
“Aww! Twily~” Pinkie looks at my expression and starts to tear up. She rushes into the hug, carrying a faintly blushing Rainbow Dash with her. Fluttershy folds her arms over me and Rainbow, quiet but smiling. Rarity smiles fondly at the sight before moving in and joining the hug, hooves around Fluttershy and me. Applejack’s lip quivers for a moment, looking at us with endless warmth, before saying, “Oh c’mere y’all!” and wrapping her forelegs around the lot of us, squeezing us together and completing the hug.
“Oh you girls!” Rarity says, making a trilling noise. We’re all pressed up close enough that we can feel it.
“I’m so glad we’re all friends,” Fluttershy says beside me, “You make me so happy…”
“Mmm.” I murmur. “Me too.” I love them, I love them so much. They saved me, brought light into my world. How could I see what I saw and not covet them? Not want to hold them near and cherish them and immerse myself in their light? “I love you girls…” I murmur, shaking a little. I’ve never said that to them, to all of them.
It only causes the hug to grow tighter, my friends making affectionate noises and cooing. “We love you too Twilight!” Applejack says, and the twang in her voice on ‘Twi’ always makes my heart flutter.
“Yeah! I love all you girls too!!” Pinkie says. Noises of assent coming from Rarity and Fluttershy share that sentiment.
“Yeah… You’re all really really cool,” Rainbow huffs softly, squished as she is in the center of the hug.
We’re nuzzling together, all enveloped in a huge pile of cuddles and love and affection. I sigh, and all the tension runs out of my body, letting them hold me. While it lasts, the moment is timeless.
Eventually the hug loosens, and we all plop down into a loose circle, with a wave of giggles.
Applejack smiles curiously at me. “Not that I mind it Twilight, but I’m curious as a cat what brought that on! You aren’t usually all affectionate like that!”
Rainbow Dash looks at me with half lidded eyes, grinning, and says, “Oh, you know,” under her breath. Pinkie giggles.
I blush, but press on regardless “I’m not. But I want to be. I have for a long time.” There are still tears in my eyes, happy ones. “I’m sick of hiding how much I care about you girls!” And the part of me that expects rejection is quiet.
There’s a collective ‘awwww!’ And my friends look at me tenderly.
Pinkie claps her hooves. “If it means more group huggies, then I’m in!”
“I always knew you were just a big sappy egghead!” Rainbow says.
Fluttershy adds on. “And it’s something we’ve always loved about you, I couldn’t be happier for you.” She waits a moment, before giggling softly and saying, “And for us too.”
“Hear! Hear! It’s about time you let yourself shine,” Rarity agrees.
Applejack says, “You’ve come a long way, sugarcube. We’re real proud of you.”
That burning light is still in my chest, but I’ve already used up all my words, said my ‘I love you’s.’ So instead I just smile at them, and try to let everything I feel show through it. They smile back.
“I guess I have come a long way.” I think about what Applejack said, and something occurs to me that makes me giggle. “But also, not that far at all.”
“Oh? How so?” Rarity asks.
“Well. The Cutie Mark Crusaders got me thinking about how this all started. And I realized something.” I stare out, searching through my memory. “It started with her. Celestia.” A nostalgic smile creeps onto my face. "I saw her that day, haloed by the sun. She was magical, radiant, beautiful. I wanted to be exactly like her.” My eyes widen slowly. “And I guess… I didn’t really understand what that meant until recently.”
“Oh my! No wonder you look up to her so much!” Fluttershy says, “If you don’t mind me saying, you’ve done a good job working towards that goal, even when you didn’t know what it was.”
“I… Thanks, Fluttershy. Though, I think I might’ve found something even better than being like Celestia.” I smile. “Being like me.”
“I like that better too!” Pinkie agrees.
Rainbow smiles “That is really cute, so I’m gonna stop myself from calling you a total teachers pet”
“Thanks.” I say flatly.
“You’re welcome.” She says with satisfaction.
I breathe for a moment, letting the lull in conversation relax. Then I say, “I’m wearing that dress to the gala.”
Rarity squeals quite loudly, before noticing our covered ears and regaining her composure. “Ahem. I mean, quite good darling!”
I nod slowly. “And I think… I’m going to tell her tonight.”
There are soft murmurs of surprise all around, which quickly turn into encouragement.
“I think that’s a great idea.” Applejack says.
I nod nervously. “I know she’s supportive of trans ponies, I’ve seen it myself.” I glance to the side and say under my breath. “And researched it. Thoroughly.” Then I glance back. “But it’s still scary. But I don’t know if anypony she’s actually close with has ever transitioned! Who knows what she’ll think?” I know the fears are silly, but maybe she’ll think that I failed. She’ll regret ever sending me to Ponyville.
Rarity says, “She’ll surely come to adore Twilight Sparkle as much as we do.”
“And if she doesn’t, I’ll kick her flank for you!” Rainbow says triumphantly.
Rarity speaks up as well. “Normally I don’t agree with assaulting royalty, but for this I would make an exception!” She sees the horror warring with relief on my face and quickly adds. “A strongly worded letter might make a better first response though, of course.”
I sigh, looking between Rainbow and Rarity. “Ok, good. Please don’t attack my mentor.”
“Eh. No promises.” Rainbow says nonchalantly.
Pinkie bounces in front of Rainbow. “Don’t listen to that silly filly! It’ll go great!” She says, “Before you know it I’ll be hosting the ‘I thought my favorite student was a boy, but they’re actually a cute smarty mare, isn’t that amazing?!’ party!”
“Pinkie!” That gets a laugh out of me. “That actually sounds pretty nice.”
Applejack smiles with more confident than I feel. “You got this Twi!”
I return from Sugarcube Corner tired, but in high spirits. I suspect I’m still a little drunk on affection, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The sun is setting, it’s the twilight of the day. Late, but not so late that my number one assistant is already snoozing.
Spike runs up to me as I step inside and lay down my things. “How’d your day go?” He asks.
“Good,” I say, “Really good, actually.”
He looks up at me with genuine joy at my words, and I think about how lucky I am to have a home like this. I scoop him up into a big dragon-y hug. “Thanks for always being there for me, Spike.”
“I guess it did go good!” Spike says, then wheezes, “Now that you’re my big sis, it seems like you squeeze me even more!”
I give him one last squeeze, then let him go. “I think you’ll just have to get used to it.” I say and smile at him.
“Ugh, fine.” He complains, smiling back.
“Now, there’s one last thing I need to take care of.” I breathe in, steadying my voice. “Spike, could you take a letter please?”
The paper and quill are already at the ready. “You got it!”
Dear Princess Celestia,
There’s a friendship lesson I’ve been learning about for a while now, and I hadn’t wanted to write to you about it until I found my answer. True friendship means being true to yourself too. It can be hard to let your true self shine, especially when you aren’t even sure what that is. I felt I didn’t belong, that what I felt was better kept hidden. But day by day, I saw reflected in my friends eyes who I wanted to be. I put together the puzzle pieces of fear, and hope, and desire. I’ve finally found the courage to show my friends my entire heart, instead of just the sliver that feels safe. And no matter how scary it was, it’s all been worth it. Because I learned that the whole of me was beautiful and worth loving, if I only let it show.
I am an agender trans mare. I use she and her, and I feel cuter than I ever thought I could be. I love the new me in a way I never did the old. My heart feels so much lighter and brighter than it ever has before. The spark that united the Elements is still inside me. For the first time I can imagine my future, growing together with them. And I couldn’t be more excited to face it. I hope you’ll still be there to face it with me.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- EquineWhoDoesStuff · 13k words · 375 142 · 3.1k views
- applezombi · 3.1k words · 166 42 · 2k views
- applejackofalltrades · 6.6k words · 124 17 · 1.7k views
- Undome Tinwe · 1.5k words · 244 77 · 2.7k views
- themoontonite · 1.4k words · 150 10 · 1.7k views
- Fillyfoolish · 1.4k words · 110 20 · 2.2k views
- Bell · 3.8k words · 82 30 · 1.4k views
- Heartbeat Unicorn · 5.6k words · 68 31 · 709 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.172 seconds
Total duration
747 users online
981,202 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Yesss!
I read this when it was in Beta and LOVED it!!! I’m absolutely gonna read it again!
Holy crap you have no idea how much this hit me. I haven't cried from reading fanfic in who even knows how long! When I got to the agender part, I was at a loss for words -- can't say I've seen much representation on that part from this community. It legitimately made my day to see something of myself in such a beautifully written fic. Thank you so much for bringing this into the world, my friend.
10966001
Thank you very much! It means a lot to hear that, you've made my day by saying so! That's exactly the kind of thing we hoped to do by writing this! It may not be exactly the same, but our kind of gender journey isn't represented nearly enough, especially in pony fic!
Such an incredibly lovely story. Thank you so much for writing this.
10984972
Thank you for reading it! That means a lot to us!
10988872
Thank you! That’s some very high praise, it means a lot to us!
Great story wish I could have read Celestia's reaction to the letter but lovely story
10989156
There's a sequel in the works that deals with Both Celestia's, and Twilight's parents reactions, so look forward to that!
This was a beautiful story! I’ve been struggling with dysphoria recently and I think this story helped me.
10989317
Thank you! That's so amazing to hear, I'm glad!
10989166
Can't wait
Damn, this is being slept on. This was great to say the least
10990017
Thank you, I appreciate it!
so. i went into this with pretty solid expectations. the comments did a pretty good job building it up. and it uh, definitely surpassed them. to an astronomical degree. i certainly wasn't expecting it to scoop my heart out of my chest and cradle it so gently in its hands. to perfectly encapsulate so many of my own feelings around gender and the reasons we perform it. besides the obvious obligatory timeline reasons for setting it in season one, it's also perfect for this story in a meta sense, those first twenty-six episodes being the catalyst for so many of us in this subculture of a subculture. and it also means so, so much to me to see such a wonderful, unexaggerated, down to earth portrayal of an autistic twilight, whether intentional or not. pinkie's little paragraph on her own gender was my first sign that this story wasn't just above my own expectations of quality, it was well above my expectations of nuance and representation too. it's really something special. i'm interested to see where a potential sequel goes, but i also think that closing out with a letter to celestia is the most beautiful ending this story could have.
sorry that this is kinda scattershot, i really struggled to get all my thoughts in line. this story kinda scrambled them in a very very good way. one thousand thank-yous from an autistic, agender-adjacent trans girl.
10991092
Thank you so so very much for this beautiful feedback.
We’re Autistic, and view Twilight the same way, so it was very much intentional! We were a little worried honestly about not stating it outright, but there never felt like an organic spot to do so. So we’re incredibly happy that came through!
As someone who also discovered our gender through MLP, by specifically projecting so incredibly hard onto Twilight Sparkle, we’re really glad we could do that emotional journey justice.
You’re praise is everything we could’ve ever hoped to accomplish with this story, and phrased thoughtfully and elegantly as well. We really can’t express how much you made our day!
I. Adore this.
(And not just because you seem to have just straight up written my biography you lovely spying little sneaky you... yous!)
I almost wish this was written when I first started reading stuff on this site, ten years ago, just to see how different my journey would have been.
Because I did press myself to come up with actual critique this time I do have some things to say that are not actual problems that I have so much as things that may be problems for other readers. One of them being that this felt instructional more than experiential at times. This is Twilight Sparkle narrating for us, so it makes a lot of sense why it can come off that way, but that is something that detaches certain people, and so I think it's worth noting.
There is also the matter of the pacing of it all, which does feel awfully fast. Again, it captures a very Twilight Sparkle vibe; of course she would fast-track solving a problem once it had been revealed to her as one, especially something this important. And even though my own experience has taken years to get to the point we end on here, it still felt like things were changing so quickly sometimes. I just am a reader who absolutely loves to stew in a work, and would rather something be too long rather than short. But also I am fully aware of how exhausting long-form stories can be to write, and the fact that it's as long as it is already is an impressive feat in my eyes.
But again, even if those were issues for me, they would be washed away by all the raw unfiltered euphoria that radiates off of every single paragraph, some illustrating the sheer enormity and beauty of being trans and autistic and polyamorous and discovering yourself in a way that leaves me in utter envious awe! There is a deep understanding of the power of words and literature evident in some of these sentences that is truly impressive, and fully appropriate given our character of interest.
And it's all made so much more powerful by how personally resonant it is for me. This is the most I have ever seen myself reflected back at me in a work, and I can't stress enough how happy it made me to read.
10/10. 10/10. 10/10. 5/5. 5 Stars. A++. SSS. Perfect. 100%. Incredible. I love it with all my being, and I am unfathomably thankful for its existence.
10992869
Thank you so much, that’s amazing to hear! We’re especially glad the story has started to find folks who resonate so strongly with the specifics of it!
We’re kind of with you on the length thing! We too prefer too long over too short. Which is why we have several 50k+ word WIP fics that aren’t even halfway finished.
Sparkle was a commitment in making a story we could actually finish! Though we do have several Sparkle side-quels in the works that’s explore some specific little premises in a more zoomed in and relaxed paced way. So hopefully that may satiate the need for more content!
10992945
I am 100% here for all of it.
I...am at a loss for words right now...
This might just be one of the best things I have ever had the joy of experiencing! I am not even talking in terms of fanfics for MLP or even fanfics in general for that matter! I mean like this is literally now one of my favorite pieces of fiction barring nothing! MLP G4 is already my favorite piece of media, but I struggle to think of a single episode that I enjoyed as much as this story! As someone who is autistic and very much currently questioning my entire existence of some things I am definitely not prepared to confirm at the moment this makes me feel things that nothing else has ever done! I believe that is the highest honor I can bestow! I might be jumping the gun here because I literally just finished this story, but this is my unfiltered and scattershot gut reaction to it!
Aside of how amazingly you have handled all forms of LGBT+ representation you tackled in this story, the character writing is on another level! Everypony feels familiar yet so fresh and refined at the same time! Pinkie Pie is notoriously hard to write for but what you did for her what nothing short of genius! Fluttershy, my personal favorite character ever, also had an incredible role in this story! Yet those don't even match watch you did for Twilight Sparkle here! She feels like her even towards the beginning of the story! Despite her not knowing what she knew further along in the fic at the time it all still felt so in character for her!
This story is a work of art! I am very much excited to see the potential sequels and side stories that you have mentioned!
Also, I suppose the first line was a lie. I had a lot to say about this story!
11001919
Hearing you say this is one of your favorite stories period is such an honor to hear! And it's wonderful that it resonated so heavily with your own feelings! Thank you for your lovely comment!
11002276
❤
This is a wonderful fic and really well written. wonderfully emotional to can really feel the struggle that Dust/Twilight are having.
y'all are very good at horse words
11073196
Thank you very much! And for your other comments too!
This was the cutest! I basically spent the whole time reading it hugging myself and grinning.
Everything flows really well, and I was cheering at all of the main character's little successes and bits of progress.
The tone you have going on is basically how I imagine it would be if the show itself dealt with the subject of trans people, a reflection of real world struggles but in a fundamentally caring and supportive setting. With the largest obstacle being the main character's internalised issues and dysphoria, it allows the story to focus on her inner struggles.
At the beginning of the story we basically know how this will end, so there's an immediate dramatic irony in this line. It becomes clear quite quickly that what she means by this is that the element of magic should have been a woman, which it turns out she is.
The disappointment is freaking tangible here. The conflict of the story is one of knowing herself, of trying to find that clarity she lost. She's disappointed that she is who she is, and it's not like at the end of the story she's someone different. She just knows herself better, and has that clarity she once had.
The main character is so frustratingly close to that clarity all through the story, blatantly holding herself to different standards than she does anyone else. I feel like Fluttershy in Chapter 7, "I just wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you!"
The double-think, the doubts, and the 'oh, well if it's me it's bad and wrong', ring painfully true, and are also so Twilight: this is the Twilight who threw a town into chaos because she thought her loving, understanding teacher whom she'd known for years would be mad at her for handing in her friendship homework late.
She sums it up nicely in Chapter 3:
I love this line, because that's it, that's the whole story. And it's great.
Chapter 2 is the standout for me. You combine Season 1 doesn't-understand-friendship Twilight so well with trans Twilight, and the dramatic irony of knowing what's actually going on from the episode versus what's going on in Twilight's catastrophing mind is used to great effect. I think I might have wanted more chapters like this before she came to understand herself, but that's more because I was enjoying the story and the feelings it evoked enough that I wanted it to continue more than that it felt rushed.
I saw in the comments you're planning on doing a sequel, and I'm interested to see where you go with this!
11136507
Hello!!
Thank you so much for very thoughtful and detailed comment! Hearing you recount little moments or themes that stuck out to you is an extremely wonderful thing to hear, and very informative! Especially since you do so beautifully, and with heartfelt intention!
We're especially grateful for your comments on Chapter 2! That was the hardest chapter to write by far. It was very tricky balancing the old and the new content in a way that felt interesting, but without disrupting the original story too much. We've seen so many authors tackle retelling episodes in different ways, and everyone has a different method. So it's great to hear ours was engaging enough to make you want more!
...call me out in your freakin' story description, why don't you! Fine, just for that, I'm gonna read it and you can't stop me!
I'm literally sobbing inside, this was beautifully put. I was so happy to see a true representation of what the dysphoria and fear all feels like.
Thank you. Thank you for such a beautiful story.
Hmmm.
You somehow managed to make all the characters incredibly in character while making me feel incredibly seen the entire time I was reading this. Every few paragraphs I saw something that I have done or thought, while having it be exactly as Twilight would have done it. I try to avoid leaving a like on anything I haven't finished, with only a few exceptions, but I don't think I finished chapter three before I liked this. It's excellent. Thank you.
missing the Alt Universe tag
A glorious recontextualization of canon.
Now tis makes me want to more about Equestrian trans history, which Celestia was surely there for a lot of. But not all of that might be as determinedly positive as this very personal story.
If I'm allowed just a smidge of negativity myself... I did say in the first chapter comment that I hoped that Dusk's initially-raised issues wouldn't be wholly forgotten in favour of the main plot, and having come to the end it does seem that they were. Of course, focusing tightly on what matters to the story it's telling is part of this work's power. But I still feel that the original issues, raised compellingly as they were, could use addressing -
DuskTwilight's solution isn't suited for everyone, after all. Perhaps somewhere else on this site there is such a tale - although to hope for it to be written as beautifully as this one might be too much.All in all, a work that has clearly touched many people, and probably helped educate others. In the end, some random cis guy's approval doesn't mean much... but you've got it anyway.
11139385
I was indeed speaking of canon Twilight. I might say that Dusk's more self-assured side needs showing if it's supposed to be there, but with fanfic it's always a tricky question of what you can just assume carries over from the original... as it is, though, what shows is a chronically insecure pony. (Of course, there have been those who look at Twilight that way, and even identify with her on that basis...)
This story is really good and genuine <3
Hitting so many of my same anxieties and milestones!
As an NB trans girl myself, this story pretty closely follows my experiences. It was a little fun to read about it, looking in on it from the outside. Seems almost silly in retrospect, all the tears shed and all the fears I had. Nowadays, I've got an awesome boyfriend and girlfriend who love me, a whole bunch of friends who support me, and I feel better than I ever have. It's very honest and accurate to the struggle, and I appreciate that. Thank you for a lovely story.
In some ways, this is simply a charming story.
I love the characters you've written. While the focus is on Twilight for the most part, each of the other members of the Main 6 (+Spike!) contributes a lot in their own ways. Applejack is simply a friend, one who has no tolerance for nonsense and can be a steady rock through Twilight's inner turmoils. Rarity's not-so-subtle manipulation and encouragement is just in character for her. Pinkie just makes her smile in her Pinkie way (plus romance). Dash's confidence is inspiring to Twilight. Fluttershy is an endless source of empathy. And Spike is almost like Applejack: an unconditional friend and family member, and has and will always stand beside Twilight.
While Twilight's lessons here (and personality) are very much different from the show, it is kind of inevitable due to the story's premise. And even though I am not trans and have never suffered through dysphoria, Twilight is somehow incredibly relatable. The feelings from the self-doubt to the awkwardness are already incredibly realistic. And from the other comments, so is the depiction of dysphoria.
But the atmosphere of the story is just... so hopeful. Even as things are never perfect, there is something to look forward to. And I think that is something beautiful.
Of course, I understand everything, people are different and not all are as kind as we would like, however, I want to ask the question: why should everyone be lumped together?
>> But, stallions are rude, insensitive, prone to violence and the perpetuation of misogyny <<
Personally, this phrase alone, coming from the lips of the "guy", and the general concept of what is happening gave me a reason to refrain from further reading. I will explain why: not all men are rude and insensitive, and if anyone had to go through this undoubtedly difficult experience, then I am sincerely sorry; if a man shows a tendency to unreasonable cruelty, this means that his father / guardian did a bad job in the process of education (in our country such individuals do not live a normal life for a long time); in my environment, women have always been respected and I would like it to continue like this.
In any case, the author, I respect you very much for deciding to write a work with such a topic at all, good luck and inspiration to you, and there will always be an audience.
Attention!! This comment is not intended to offend the author or any other reader, and if this happened, then I ask your forgiveness.
General feeling of the writing quality is that this is a product of plain talent. Efficient, but not terse; complex but not confusing. I'm sure a whole lot of time and hard work went into all of this, but from the outside it looks almost effortless. Something I really aspire to.
In terms of the story and subject matter, well, it's a shame that this site can be so horrible sometimes. I'm just glad that you wrote it - it was a fantastic, challenging read. I look forward to reading Sun as well.
This was almost an inappropriately huge review / gushfest, but I cut it down to only the most important bits. You're welcome!
really loved this, and will have to go back for a more detailed comment at some point.
my favorite character moment was between Twilight and Spike in the short chapter, of just Spike noticing how much happier Twilight had been recently, and i just loved the understatedness of that.
the recontextualization of so many canon events and elements really was great! the sleepover with Rarity and Applejack and the Mane Six's discovery of their cutie mark connections just work so well as part of this narrative, not to mention my favorite aspect, which is how Twilight choosing her own name feels so different in the context of starting from Dusk Shine. that she is intentionally choosing the same first name as her mother, and that "Sparkle" was chosen for its adjacent meaning with "Shine", is a very fun view of things.
and Pinkie was just so great in this! being a nonbinary avatar of relationship anarchy really is fitting to her character, and you've just written her as that well.
thank you so much for writing this!
11156241
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
We really like the sibling relationship between Twilight and Spike, so hearing you enjoyed the moments in that chapter is really wonderful!
And we're glad you like gender chaos Pinkie!! Pinkie is a little intimidating to write sometimes, but she's just so fun! I mean, she is Pinkie Pie after all!
11150286
Thank you! Such high praise for the story's craft is amazing to hear! Hearing people aspire to what we've made is always incredible.
I appreciate concise and eloquent comment, but I will say we do like huge gush fests, so we certainly wouldn't complain about it!
11144704
Thanks for the interesting perspective!
We've seen the sexism aspect from the first chapter brought up a few times, so we'll talk about our thought process on that!
While misogyny is definitely a real and widespread problem, Twilight's harsh descriptions in the first chapter don't really reflect the genuine way she views all men. She judges herself much more harshly than she judges others. She would never think the negative things she said about herself about, say, Spike, or Shining Armor. She doesn't think that their bad or lesser for being boys/stallions. But because she's talking about herself, her words reflect her anxiety and insecurity towards her own self, and the gender she perceives herself as being at the time.
Gender dysphoria can often cause one to view their own negative gendered traits in a very exaggerated manner!
We see a similar kind of double self standard later on as well. Twilight views her own gender experiences as much less valid or significant than Fluttershy's, even when the experiences themselves are very similar.
11156276
Well, if it's an inappropriately huge gushfest you want, then it's an inappropriately huge gushfest you'll get! Just know that you brought this on yourself.
I knew from the very first line that I was in for something special. So easy to make it cheesy, irrelevant, or bogged down in details from the immediate context. But you've gone right to the core of it - "My name is Dusk Shine..." I suspected this was the front half of a bookend, and you didn't disappoint with that, either.
Loving Twilight's internal rejection - it's so, so, painfully obvious. But at the same time, it's a bit weird for the external acceptance. The other Elements are acting as if this is a certainty, but Fluttershy herself said there are as many ways of experiencing dysphoria as there are trans ponies. If that's true, how can they really identify a genuine case? It's rough because they're right, but maybe they're right for the wrong reasons, or they've run too far with their conclusion and crossed a line. Doesn't seem like "you're trans" is something they should be declaring so easily, and it seems they all know this - just got wrapped up in the excitement, perhaps. This isn't a criticism, but something I thought was interesting.
Of all of them, chapter 6 sticks out to me as particularly intense. Almost nauseatingly so. Was that intentional, or is this a strange reaction? An interesting and compelling experience either way.
Rare point of genuine criticism - Pinkie says at some point "I still use she/her [...]" and the "she/her" part just strikes me as a written shorthand, without consideration for how that would actually be spoken. This is probably related to differing theories of how to represent information in speech, but I would have written that as "I still use she and her [...]". Maybe with single quotes around 'she' and 'her' to imply emphasis. Seems like a minor thing to criticize, but it's, like, the most definitive error I could find. And possibly just a matter of opinion. Not bad!
I do want to say something about each of the characters...
Applejack. Poor Applejack! So often the least important character. Maybe she's just too normal and well-adjusted. Oh well, she got some decent presence in a few chapters, and the line "Do I need to explain gender essentialism to you?" is absolutely hilarious - and a little threatening. Also, I appreciate the somewhat understated accent. Always feels bad when authors load her up with apostrophes and dropped syllables as if she were Pudd'nhead Wilson.
Rarity. Traditionally my least favourite of the bunch, you've definitely made me love her a bit more. Something to take note of, however: she is a real rascal. Maybe even... evil? Twilight's words, not mine!
Pinkie Pie. Not much to say about her, honestly - she's represented quite faithfully. I'm sure it is canon that she gives about as much of a shit about gender norms as she does about the law of conservation of energy. That's why we love her.
Fluttershy. First of all: best pony. Honestly, I was more surprised by her being tall than her being trans. But that means there's more to love! And the idea of her being the 'elder trans' is a good fit because she's a year older than, uh, whoever it was. Which obviously makes her the oldest, wisest, and most powerful of the gang. And did I mention best pony?
Rainbow Dash. She and her powerful lesbian wings are really gunning it for that best-pony position, but unfortunately she's got a year's work ahead of her. Good stuff otherwise. Is it weird if I categorize her as a "dangerous would"? Well, I just did it, so there.
Twilight Sparkle. Oh, Twilight, you incurable dork. She's always been the one I most identified with - the night owl, the scholar, the loner, etc., and that goes doubly in this case. I've even occasionally shared some of her anxieties about her old identity, and back in the day, I sometimes wondered what it would be like if...
Hey, wait a minute - I know what's happening here! But that won't work on me. No way. I'm too, uh, set in my manly ways, or whatever. Yeah, that makes sense, right?
Wrapping up now. Apologies that this is breathless and disorganized - it's mostly stuff I wrote down as I was reading, all smashed together into a single comment. All that's left to cover is what I mentioned in the original comment - I loved the story overall, and it is objectively well-written to the point that it makes me jealous. Or is that... inspiration? Perhaps we shall know one day.
Finally: Thank you for writing this.
PS: "A trembling but inescapable undoing." God, this is good.
PPS: "Nightfall Oblivion Andromeda." Oh, Twilight, you incurable dork.
PPPS: "Promaretheus." Oh, EquineWhoDoesStuff, you incurable dork.
11156366
Hell yeah! No regrets!
But seriously though, thank you! Very pleasantly surprised you still had this ready, and posted it! We love reading through people’s thoughts like this!
And yes, I was very proud of ‘promaretheus’ :P
11156629
I see... thanks!
This was a beautiful story. Wholesome and extremely heartwarming. And I'm not tearing up in the bus, you are!
An excellent story; very heartwarming, great character work and you nail the voicing. I'd have a minor complaint that it seems a little too contained to just the Mane 6 (who else was at Twilight's coming-out party, I wonder?), but "Sun" seems set to expand on that. Glad I finally got around to this one and I really hope "Sun" continues.
aww, it's just so wonderful, recontextualizing this canon moment with so much more meaning like this!
hehehe, this is so AppleDash!
auaugh, so cute. all the moreso for the adorable phrase "from the tip of my hooves to the end of my tail", i am going to steal this expression wholesale it is so good
agh, this is also relatable. seeing that kind of warmth and love as something to observe from afar more than ever let myself feel a part of
cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless
aww, and this eventually becomes truer than she would think!
augh, this is such a beautiful summary of Twilight's journey here, and i am so happy she is surrounded by such wonderful and loving friends.
everything inside of her that was binding up Twilight from even admitting to herself what it was that she really wanted just felt so nuanced and deep. and i love that the story lacked a traditional conflict, with each of her friends being so very supportive, and bringing their own perspectives and ways to be supportive to the table. it focuses the attention purely on Twilight's struggle with herself, and gives that wonderfully sweet moment of in-story wish fulfillment in Chapter 6, making for an emotionally heightened experience that was breathtaking in its intensity.
i guess if i had to categorize it, this story would be the best fluff story i have ever read by far. all that wonderful gooeyness was made so much better by the emotional catharsis of this inner pain and despair that was all too easy to empathize with in its rendering, built on top of a strong characterization that really felt like true extensions of the characters that i know and love. and i could see the phenomenal amounts of skill and care that went into every page of this. thank you for this experience!
Just finished reading this, and I loved it! I'm cis myself, but I could still connect with how Twilight felt, and I can see from the comments that it's true to life. If I wasn't asexual, I could see myself panicking about how I thought about women the same way Twilight does. It was great seeing everyone be so supportive, even if they were getting a bit frustrated by Twilight. The ways you integrated this with canon events was neat too. Overall, great story and well worth adding to my Favorites.