Chapter 1

My name is Dusk Shine, and I think the Elements of Harmony made a mistake.

The day I met my friends and found the Elements was the best day of my life. With that Spark burning in my eyes, everything felt so clear and right. In the weeks since, that clarity has left me, like a dream slowly dissipating.

I woke up the next day, and I was still just me. Just the same bookish and awkward stallion I had always been. Except that I had five wonderful mares who consider me their friend. But the more they’ve tried to include me, the more out of place I feel.

It seems ungrateful to me. I have friends that care about me, whom I love very very much! Platonically, of course platonically. I overcame all the loneliness and the fear, and I have a great life now! I am objectively, and subjectively, so much happier than I was!

So why do I still have this feeling? I don’t know how I can ever be what those five need, what they deserve. I’ve learned so much about the magic of friendship in such a short time, but I haven’t learned what makes me worthy of standing by their side.

I sit across from my friends at the table in Fluttershy’s backyard. A gentle breeze is blowing, complementing what should be a lovely afternoon lunch. But I’ve been wracking my brain so much that it’s starting to effect my day to day function. It’s not exactly the same, but I’ve seen what happened to Applejack when she refused to ask for help.

So today I’ve finally resolved to tell them. I'm just going to talk to them about it! They won't think that I'm weird and gross! And if they do, well, better to get it over with right? It's fine!

They're all looking at me expectantly, I try to start, "I..." They lean in. I go silent. It's a difficult thing to phrase in a way that doesn't sound foolish, "You girls..." You girls, an exclusionary phrase; everypony but me. "You girls don't ever think it's... weird, that I'm one stallion in a friend group of mares?"

Rainbow gives a flat stare. "Uhhhhh. No?" She looks on the verge of rolling her eyes. "Dude, what are you even talking about?"

"I just- I'm a single stallion, who's such close friends with a bunch of mares, who take me around everywhere and include me in pretty much everything! That doesn't seem, I don't know, a little suspicious, a little off?"

Pinkie Pie's eyes widen, before a sly smile creeps onto her face. "Dusky~ Are you hitting on us?"

The table rattles as I jump up, planting my hooves too forcefully on the wood to be casual. "No! No! Absolutely definitely not!" The ice in Rarity's drink rattles around in the following silence.

“I can take the hint, but you didn’t have to be that sure about it!” Pinkie smiles, her eyebrows rise in mock offense, until a giggle breaks the illusion.

"Sorry Pinkie, that's not how I meant it. Anypony would be lucky to have you, truly!" I sigh, "What I mean is, you're my friends! That would be incredibly disrespectful. Especially since half of you don't even like men!"

Rarity gives me a look before speaking up herself, "Dusk, darling. Let me speak frankly when I say none of us have ever felt romantically threatened by you. You're a perfectly respectful and pleasant colt, hence why we keep your company."

Rainbow butts in. “Yeah! I mean it’s not like you’re going around trying to hit on me all the time.”

No, I definitely don't! I’m not some creep who chases after his friends. I've never thought of Rainbow in that way, of how soft her wings look, or how incredible she is when she's pushing her body to it's limit.

"You do know you can be friends with a gender you’re attracted to, right? Otherwise I couldn't be friends with any of these fine ladies, or like, literally any mare. That'd be dumb." Rainbow blinks. "I mean, aren't you Bi? What, does that mean you can't be friends with anypony of any gender?"

My eyes dodge to the corner. "That's how it worked for me before..."

Rarity balks, "Dusk, don't talk like that! You're sounding like the gloomy little colt you were when we met, instead of the amazing pony who saw what made us special, and brought us all together."

That makes me blush a little, reminds me of how wonderful my friends really are. I wouldn't want to live my life without them, but is that enough? "I'm not explaining this right. What I'm asking is, none of you feel... unsafe being so close to me?" My hooves are still fidgeting under the table.

"Um. I can say that, I uh, I don't feel unsafe around you at all. Which means a lot, since I'm generally afraid of, well, everypony," Fluttershy added quietly.

"Yeah, same! For a colt, you're pretty cool, in an egghead sort of way," Rainbow calls, the others follow suit, voicing their assent.

I'm getting frustrated, they don't get it. Worse, I don't know if I get it. "But, stallions are rude, insensitive, prone to violence and the perpetuation of misogyny–"

"Now that's just plum ridiculous!" Applejack interrupts, "Maybe some of that applies to stallions as a whole. But judgin' the pony standing in front of us is a whole different barrel of oats." She looks exasperated. "Do I need to explain gender essentialism to you Dusk? Cause that kinda lecture is usually the other way round. Gender roles are fake, we're all just ponies!"

I know that. I’ve read books about that, written papers about that. So why am I saying all this? What am I actually afraid of?

"Not to mention, you're hardly the paragon of traditional masculinity Dusk, and I mean that in the best way. Why, when you asked to get hooficures with us, you were positively adorable!" Rarity coos.

It should make me feel better, that I can act however I want regardless of gender. It's true. I can! I do! I try so hard to be the good kind of stallion. The kind that deserves to be around vibrant amazing mares, the kind who's thoughtful and cautious and meek enough to be worthy of keeping around. I've tried so hard to be good, so why–

"I feel I don't belong around you," I croak, "I don't know why."

Applejack leans in. "Look sugarcube, it really ain't a big deal, we've all got plenty of stallion friends."

I bite my lip as something awful rises up inside me, it rips out of me anyway, "But not ones like me!" I practically shout, "You're my best friends, and I'm yours! I want to be with you more than anything, but you deserve somepony who's better! Somepony who's better, nicer, softer-" Prettier. "Somepony who's good. Like you," My voice peters out, lapsing.

Pinkie's eyes are watering. "Oh, Dusky..."

"I'm sorry sugarcube, I had no clue you were feeling so torn up." Applejack's expression is soft, and kind, and it's the kind of thing that shouldn't be given to me. "Do ya... do ya know what's making you feel that way?"

"I–" My voice starts, I hate the way it cracks, "I don't know. Just– Mares are amazing. Resilient, powerful, special! Being a mare is basically an objective improvement! So why would I be the element of magic, instead of another mare?"

Fluttershy trots over, putting a hoof on my shoulder, a reassuring pressure. Pinkie reaches over, putting a hoof around me. Pretty soon all the mares have joined in, forming one of our traditional group hugs.

Fluttershy speaks softly, "We think you're special just the way you are, Dusk. We don't need you to be anypony else but who you are."

"Yeah!! You're a super duper amazing stallion, and you deserve to be with us just as much as some random mare!"

"We would be practically lost without you darling, you deserve all the love and trust we've given you, and more."

"We wouldn't be hanging around you if we didn't think so!" Applejack says.

My breath catches, straddling the edge between sobbing and hyperventilating, "But. What if I don’t think so?" I wheeze.

My friends make concerned cooing sounds in response, and I don't want to disappoint them, I want to feel better.

But I don't, none of this is helping and I don't– the sobbing wins out, choking miserable sounds. My horn starts to spark in response to my distress, magic clawing away inside of me, and I clamp down on it. That brings on another wave of tears, I don’t want them to see how weird and scary I am. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I feel this way." Tears stream down my cheeks, and I can't help but think how gross it is that I'm getting my tears in their pretty manes. My voice is a soft whine, "I think something's wrong with me." I shake. "But I don't know what it is. I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I break down into sobs, unable to wrest words out of the burrowing wrongness crawling up my throat. So I just shake, and make pitiful noises, while my friends hold me and try to console me.

A few minutes later, the uncontrollable sobbing has waned. Enough for my friends to take me inside and sit me on Fluttershy's couch. Another minute, and there’s a cup of tea in front of me, and five very concerned friends arrayed around me. "I'm sorry girls. I didn't mean to scare you, this whole thing is silly."

"Something that's hurting you that bad ain't silly," Applejack says, "You needed to get it out, so we can all figure out how to help."

"I appreciate that. I really do," I say quietly, "But I don't even know what's wrong, so how could you help? This is just another one of my random insecurities."

Fluttershy, who's been quiet for a long long time now, clears her throat. I turn dutifully to listen to her. "Dusk. You do remember that I'm trans. Right?" Fluttershy says, very gently.

"Of course!" I say, worried I'd done something wrong, "I was honored you would share something like that with me."

She smiles softly, and blinks at me, and the look is starting to feel a little bit patronizing. "Dusk, I'm trying to suggest you might have something to figure out with your gender identity."

Fear rises up in me. "Of course not! I would never appropriate trans identity in that way!"

Rarity stares intently. "Darling, It's not ‘appropriation’ if you are trans."

"Well yes,” I say, "But I'm not. So it is."

"Forgive me, but it just quite seems like you want to be a mare."

I give a small laugh, "No, no. I just wish you all had a marefriend instead of me." I pause. "Mare friend, a friend who's a mare," I make sure to enunciate the pause between the words, "That's different."

Rarity interjects, “I think I safely speak for the others when I say we don’t feel the need for you to be anything but who you are.” The other girls quickly agree, and Rarity continues. “And some random mare as a replacement wouldn’t improve things. We don't feel like we're missing out. The only pony who’s unsatisfied with it is you.”

”And doesn’t that sound just a teensy bit like dysphoria to you?" Fluttershy persists.

“What? I don’t hate my body. I just don’t think about it. Why would I want to anyway? I’m just some guy.”

"Dysphoria isn't always obvious, and there are as many ways to experience it as there are trans ponies," Fluttershy says.

My voice is soft, "It's really so kind, to try and relate your experiences to mine Fluttershy, but I'd know by now if I was a mare," There's a brittle strength in my voice, this is my life, I know about it, "My parents were great! They never forced me to be a boy, or do boy things. And I didn't! I played with dolls, like smarty pants. I had every opportunity to figure out I was a mare."

Fluttershy sighs, then says, "How about this. This is a trick that helped me when I was younger. If you had a button that could magically change you into a mare, would you press it?"

I laugh, "Of course! Who wouldn't? Mares are great!"

Rainbow interjects, hovering and raising her voice, "Most stallions wouldn't!! Most stallions like being stallions. That's the whole point of them being stallions!" She throws her hooves up, "Girl, you're in denial!"

Tears sting at my eyes. "You don't get to tell me what I am!" I'm standing too now, facing her down. I don't know why I'm so angry, or so scared.

Applejack puts a hoof on Rainbow's chest, gently guiding her back to the ground. "Now Rainbow, I get your frustration. But that's no reason to start declaring something–" She hesitates. "–Dusk isn't ready for."

I don't miss the way she doesn't use my pronouns.

Applejack continues, "Now Fluttershy, you're the expert here a' course, but it seems to me the first step should be figuring out what Dusk wants, not trying to pin down what Dusk is."

Fluttershy looks around, clearly unnerved by the energy in the room. But she swallows and sets her jaw. "Yes, I think that could help. Does that sound ok to you, Dusk?"

I lower myself down, embarrassed by my outburst at Rainbow. "I, uh. Yes. Sorry."

Rainbow rolls her eyes. "Fine, I'll play along."

"See that you do, Rainbow dear," Rarity says, "Now Dusk, you keep speaking of this imaginary mare you say would be superior to yourself. What exactly would she be doing that you can't?"

What would she be doing? I try to picture her in my mind. Her face and cutie mark are blurry, but she moves with a lightness I can't imagine. "She... She would be able to go along with you on your girls nights out, without intruding." I stop, staring at the floorboards.

"Is that it?" Rarity prompts.

"And she could do things like... have a slumber party with you, without it being weird. And... join in when you talk about girl things." I don't know why this makes me tear up, I just want them to have this so much. It feels so important. "She would belong with you, really belong! She'd be one of you! and she wouldn't–" –want things she can't have.

"And this mare, she would be Celestia's student as well?"

"Well, I mean, she could be!"

"Would she be a magician scholar as well? Would she live in the old library?"

Well, if she was taking my place. "Yes."

"She'd be the element of magic? The reclusive bookworm who somehow brought us all together?"

"I... yes."

"Now, who does that sound like?"

The image of her in my head starts to resolve, the fog around her cutie mark starts to dissolve. A magenta starburst, with five smaller stars dancing in orbit around it. Her eyes are the same as mine, but happier. And in them I see that same spark that brought me to my friends.

My head is in my hooves. I can't do this. I can't. "I can't be a mare! I'm too weird, and gross, and bad! I'm just not good enough, I can't be that! I'm just some creepy stallion who daydreams about his lesbian friends and wants them to think he's cute like they are!"

"Stop that right now!" Fluttershy cuts through the noise, and her volume shocks me into silence. She steps over, and as she does I notice how tall Fluttershy is, because she's not stooping down like she usually does. She looks down at me, lifting my muzzle with a hoof. And irrationally, I'm reminded of Celestia. "Being a mare isn't a title, or a test. All you need to be one is to want it."

"I don't think I can do that," My voice is the quiet one now, "I'm scared."

"You don't have to decide anything, you can just try things out." There's a glint in Fluttershy's eye. "Think of it... as an experiment. To gather data. It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to."

Gathering data. That sounds reasonable. More reasonable at least.

"I think I can safely say we all would help you test those things, right girls?"

The others voice their assent, "Yes quite! We could include you in all those things you were feeling despondent about, and it won't have to mean a thing about your gender."

"Eeee!!" Pinkie squeals, "There's so many fun things we can do together that I didn't know you wanted to!!"

"Yeah! Consider yourself an honorary member of the girl squad!" Rainbow chirps.

The fear isn't as wracking, I can breathe again. The tears are slow, and quiet, "I'm not– Imposing? I don't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with!"

Rainbow Dash gets really close, glaring into my eyes. "Hey."

"Y-yes?"

"Do I look like I tolerate any bullshit from stallions?"

She really does not. "No, Rainbow."

Her glare breaks into a cocky grin. "Then you're good! I say it's cool."

I hate that I think about kissing her, but I feel such a weight taken off of me that all I can say is "Thank you. Thank you girls so much. T-thank you," A hesitation. But, I don't care enough right now to stop. They've said it, but I never– I never felt right to do the same. “I lo–” But my voice catches before I can finish. It’s too much, too fast. Too likely to give them the wrong idea. “I’m really really glad you’re all my friends.”

Fluttershy looks at me softly and says, "We love you too."

Chapter 2

View Online

It was the evening of a hastily planned thunderstorm, when I’d caught Rarity and Applejack stuck out in the rain. I’d welcomed them in to take shelter, and it was becoming clear to me that they might not want to go home in this weather.

I feel a little bad about them being stuck. But as Applejack washes up outside, and Rarity dries off inside, an inkling of something starts to bubble up.

They were already here after all. It wouldn’t be as much of an imposition as it normally was…

I slowly pick a book off one of the shelves, holding it tenderly, almost reverently. Could I really ask this? I know what the girls said in our big talk, but still.

And then from behind me, Rarity chimes in, “Darling, what are you up to over there?”
I freeze, not having a good way out of that question other than the truth.

“I... well, I was just contemplating...” I say, attempting to keep myself in between Rarity and the book, “That since... you may be stuck here for the night... we could hypothetically—“

“Out with it darling!”

I wince, slowly floating the book from behind me and presenting it. “That we could... have a sleepover!” Saying the last part quickly, I open the book to its title page and shove it toward Rarity, looking away in embarrassment.

“Slumber 101,” she reads, “All You've Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties But Were Afraid to Ask.” Rarity tilts her head. “There’s a book about slumber parties?”

“Of course! It’s actually a fantastic reference guide! I made sure to study it, just in case! I’ve always wanted to throw one! Especially since we talked about... that stuff!”

Rarity smiles warmly. “A sleepover? Oh Dusk!” She coos, like a grandmare fussing over a particularly adorable grandfoal. Then Rarity’s face freezes, eyes wider, grin plastic. “A sleepover? Tonight? With you, and me, and Applejack?” She looks around nervously. “Well, I mean it’s a lovely idea Dusk! But really I think we should do it some other time, don’t you? It’s just— You see I’m quite busy actually!”

I take the book back, clutching it at my chest. What in Equestria did I think I was doing? “Right, no, it was a stupid idea. Sorry for being weird!” I laugh it off, quickly turning around with the excuse of putting away the book. But the book floats awkwardly, because stupid tears are blurring my vision, and I have to shove it against the shelf till it finds the opening.

Stars, I am being weird. Why am I crying over something that doesn’t even matter? I really don’t want Rarity to see, because I want to respect her very reasonable boundaries, and not guilt trip her by being a crybaby over nothing. She looked so uncomfortable. Of course I can’t expect to just spring a sleepover on my friends and have it go fine!

I just need to wipe these tears off my muzzle, and turn back around. “Dusk!” I hear her call, and am forced to turn back around, hoping I look normal.

She’s looking at me with a determined expression. “Dusk, it is not a stupid idea, it’s wonderful! And obviously very important to you! My hesitation was merely because I want your first sleepover to be under the most ideal circumstances.” She turns her nose up nobly, tossing her mane with a hoof. “But for you darling, I will make it work! Your first slumber party will go off without a hitch, despite any—” Rarity pauses as there’s a crash from outside, which must be Applejack wrestling with the hose, making Rarity narrow her eyes. ”—Obstacles that may challenge us!” she finishes.

My gut feels warm but confused, light and buzzing. “I— Rarity, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want—”

“Oh, no no, I insist!” She levitates the book back off the shelf, opening it for Dusk. “Just follow that book of yours, and Rarity will make sure everything is just so~”

She… she really means it! And I couldn’t ask for a better pony to help with a sleepover than Rarity! This could actually work then! I’m going to throw a sleepover with my friends!!

“Yes yes yes!” I clap my hooves together excitedly, giggling, “Thank you Rarity!” Unable to hide my grin, I start flipping through the book. “You’ll see, you won’t be disappointed, it’s going to be great! I’ve done lots of research!”

“I’m sure you have dear.” Rarity smiles.

It’s then that Applejack strides back through the doorway, sopping wet, but in a way that is probably cleaner than mud.

Rarity quickly strolls over to her, pulling her into a hushed conversation. I don’t know what to make of it, so I just go back to Slumber 101. They throw a few glances my way, voices strained.

When they emerge, Applejack puts on a charming grin and says, “Well Dusk, a slumber party sounds like a mighty fine idea to me! Sure beats slogging back home through that storm.”

“Wonderful! let’s get started then!” I say, then flip through my book, “First on the list is—” I stop short. I had forgotten that was first. I force my ears not to droop. My friends said they would treat me as one of the girls, but that would be a step too far right? I’m already imposing on them… I— It pains me, but I’ll just have to skip over the makeovers step, and get to it some other time. Or never. Whichever comes first.

My voice skips back to life, “—First on the list, scary stories!”

The ghost stories had been a success I believe! Rarity and Applejack’s stories had been oddly short, but I managed to rescue the ambiance with mine. The headless horse is a favorite of mine, I’d heard it from my big brother a long time ago! The use of a sheet to imitate the headless horse was an embellishment of my own, but it made the climax suitably climactic! Applejack and Rarity had practically shrieked, holding onto each other. My only worry was that I made my story too scary, I didn’t want to put them off. But my book said those were successful reactions, so I used that to soothe my nerves.

After that was making s’mores, which was very fun! Though they both seemed a little tense, It was a chance to just enjoy the company of my friends. I sat there watching Applejack roasting marshmallows over the fire, and Rarity gliding by me while arranging the ingredients. It made something in my chest loosen, my muscles relaxing and a small smile on my face. Being here with them felt right, my insides a little warm and fuzzy. That’s something you’re supposed to feel at slumber parties, right? It was cozy! Rarity showed me the proper way to arrange a s’more, and Applejack showed me the way to eat them!

“Now, the next item of fun on our list is, truth or dare!” I announce, checking off S’mores. I’m both giddy about and dreading. What kinds of questions would they ask me? Or dares? That could get embarrassing, but that was kind of the point I think.

Rarity starts, putting a hoof to her chest, “Be helpful for once Applejack and let me show him how it’s done. I choose truth!”

Applejack raises an eyebrow. “If’n you say so, didn’t think truth telling was really your style.”

Rarity scoffs, “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re implying,” she says, motioning for Applejack to go on.

“I’ve always wondered, what age are you?”

A gasp! “Applejack! A lady never reveals her age!”

“It is called truth or dare. Now who’s showing him how the game works?”

“You did that on purpose! Give me a dare instead!”

“Fine, I dare ya to mess up your mane, and leave it that way for the rest of the night!”

“Hmph! Very well,” She raises her hoof, hesitates for a moment, then limply swipes at her bangs. A single silken hair flies out of place. “There! Are you happy?”

Applejack stares flatly. “Uh, no.”

“You are a cruel task mistress, but I am a sporting mare.” Then she sighs, screwing her eyes shut, and proceeds to run her hooves back and forth rapidly on her mane, a massacre of perfectly manicured follicles.

Locks of mane spring every which way, the elegant spiral curves distorted beyond recognition.

“Alright, now I am.” Applejack smiles. “I choose dare.”

“I dare you to come up with dares that have a little more class. You’re being far too aggressive for poor Dusk’s first time!”

“Oh really? How’ bout this—”

My eyes dart between them, stomach going fuzzy with dread, my ears droop down. They go on like that, trading responses that seem a little too pointed for a game.

What’s going on? Why are they so stressed out? Did I miss a step, or set up the game wrong or— or what?

I quickly check back in my book. What did I do wrong? The two mares had been to slumber parties before, so I had assumed they knew the rules. But that was such an obvious mistake as a host! “Um, I don't think this is how the game's supposed to work. You have to give an honest answer to any question or do whatever anypony dares you to do,” I say, hoping that will fix my mistake.

Rarity pauses her heated back and forth long enough to wave me off. “Yes I know, that’s very good Dusk. Just give me a moment here and we can get back on track.”

They just seemed to get even more upset, ignoring me and trading dares back and forth with no regards for the order of operations. And the dares seemed a little… adversarial. Like they were purposefully trying to make the other mare uncomfortable. Did they not feel comfortable asking for truths with me here? Was I messing it up?

Applejack points to me, breaking me from my reverie. “Now look at what you’ve done! You’re making Dusk uncomfortable!”

“I’m not the one who ruined the mood of the game—”

I shrink back. My friends are fighting and arguing all because I wanted to have a stupid slumber party. It didn’t seem like anypony was having any fun. So it was my responsibility as host to put a stop to it and fix this. Even though I didn’t even get a turn.

I pipe up, too brightly, “Why don’t we, uh, check off truth or dare for now, and move on to our next really fun activity!”

Applejack looks over at me and sighs, “Maybe that’s for the best.” Then she glances over at Rarity, giving her the stink eye.

Guilt and embarrassment burn in my stomach, but I flip to the next page of my book. Surely the next activity will fare better! “Next up is… a pillow fight? What is that?” I peer down at the text.

“Ah! It is a rather crude activity, but it’s such a staple I rather feel it’s our responsibility to pass on our knowledge for your first slumber party! Right, Applejack?”

Applejack just raises an eyebrow.

“Very well then!” She holds up one of the available pillows in her magic, inspecting it and giving it a squeeze. “Now, pillow firmness is obviously the first attribute one thinks of!” I nod along, attention rapt. "But the true key is the stuffing, feathers too downy and small will spill out everywhere! You’ll have made yourself a pillow mess instead of a pillow figh— ” The dull thump of a pillow hitting Rarity’s face at high speed interrupts her.

Rarity shakes her head, eyes locking on Applejack. “Applejack! You can’t just start tossing pillows willy nilly!”

Applejack replies with an easy smile, “Reckon’ I just did.” before kicking another pillow, hitting Rarity square in the face. “Dusk’ll learn better from doin’ that from just frettin’!”

Rarity practically growls, “Oh that is it! You have this coming!,” then grabs a pillow and returns fire with equal force!

“Oh! I get it! Pillow. Fight. Fun—Oof!” A pillow whacks me in the side of my head. Then another from the other side, then another. Too late I realize I’m directly in the crossfire, as I collapse into a pillowy heap. I had never imagined pillows could be such effective projectiles.

I peek my muzzle out of the pillows and consider my options. I’m a stallion, I can’t just throw things at a mare! But treating them differently just because of their gender is also wrong! The book doesn’t say anything about this! I wish I was somepony who’d been born with common sense, who could understand where the line was without a guide book! Oh what do I do? I can’t ask them, they’re already so upset!

I just want to crawl back under the pillows and hide, but instead I make myself speak up, “Uh, girls I don’t mean to interrupt, but could we maybe take it down a notch?”

“If she would let me finish anything properly I could!” Rarity answers, as another pillow soars over my head.

“Well If you would finish anything at all, I wouldn’t have to,” Applejack replies, still tossing pillows.

I rise slowly, pillows sloughing off of me, and it seems to be enough to give them pause. “I’m actually feeling pretty tired. Could we just… call it a night and go to bed?”

Distracted from their feud, they both take in my words. And they both deflate, ears turning down. I would feel even more guilty at the sight of it, but I’m already past the saturation point, and all I want is to curl up in bed and get this over with. It’s definitely too early to go to bed, but I don’t care about that either. Of course my first slumber party was a weird mess, it fits me perfectly.

The sleeping arrangements had already been laid out, a spare bed placed across from mine on the other side of the bedroom loft. I tried to put on some semblance of brightness, of host-worthy attitude, as I wished them goodnight. Even I knew my heart wasn’t in it.

I’m laying stiffly in bed, trying to sleep in a ‘normal’ way. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I just… try to make myself as still and unnoticeable as possible. I don’t want to cause any more problems. Any other time, two of my friends sleeping in the same room with me would be scary, maybe thrilling? But right now I’m just tired.

I focus on my breathing, and try to make myself drift off to sleep, but something tickles at the edge my hearing as I do, distracting me. It grows, slowly building into whispers, hushed voices. I’m ignoring it. I am ignoring it and going to sleep. Whatever Rarity and AJ are talking about is their business, and not mine. Because I am an asleep pony. Asleep ponies don’t have business, except maybe dreaming.

But instead of fading or petering out, the voices just get more heated. They’re arguing, again. Because of me, because of this horrible idea. A choking sob works it’s way up my throat, but I keep it inside, it feels sharp stuck there in my throat. I’m just stuck here, tension slowly filling up my body.

I don’t want them to be stuck here, unhappy, with me. Sitting up in bed, I see Rarity and Applejack with the blanket in their mouths, tugging it back and forth between them. Not for one more minute. I can’t take it anymore!

“Please stop! Please!” I almost yell.

They both freeze, eyes turning to me.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” My voice breaks, “I never should’ve dragged you two into my weird fantasy! I just made you m-miserable! I thought I had followed everything in my book, so that you’d be happy, and things would be good!” Tears of shame start to mat my coat. “It wasn’t the book that was wrong, it was me. I’m not supposed to be here, I shouldn’t be here!” Flickers of my magic pulse up and down my spine, like it’s trying to tear itself out of me, my body shakes with the effort of keeping it in. “I ruined e-everything!”

Through my tears, I see Applejack and Rarity stare at me incredulously. I hug the sheets to my chest. The blanket drops from Applejack’s mouth, and she approaches my bedside, frowning with concern. “Sugarcube, what in the hay are you talkin’ about? You didn’t do anything wrong, you put in all that work to throw a right swell Slumber Party, it was sweet as can be!”

Rarity approaches from the other side of the bed, resting a hoof on my shoulder. “You poor dear, you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about, of course you belong here! You were a delightful and charming host!”

I sniffle, confused, eyes roaming between them, “B-but— It wasn’t any fun at all… If I didn’t mess it up, why were you both so upset?”

They both turn and speak simultaneously, “I just didn’t want her to ruin it for you!” Applejack is pointing at Rarity. Rarity is pointing at Applejack.

I let out an involuntary whimper at their loud declaration.

Hearing it, their voices hush. Their wide eyes dart to me, then to each other, then back to me. Their ears droop down.

“Oh horseapples,” Applejack murmurs, looking down at her hooves.

Rarity turns to Applejack, voice a little hesitant, “But— I was the one trying to make this Slumber Party a success!”

“You were?” Curiosity has replaced Applejack’s ire. “But so was I!”

“Of course I was,” Rarity explains with a furrowed brow, “I could tell how much doing things correctly meant to Dusk! So I went through everything slowly and properly, I didn’t want him to have to worry about a thing!”

“Rarity, I wanted the same exact thing! I know how anxious Dusk gets, so I was just trying get em to let loose and relax a little, that’s what slumber parties are for!” Applejack shuffles her hooves. “I… I didn’t even notice what you did. I just knew Dusk was unhappy, and I blamed you without lookin’ to see what the real issue was!”

Rarity looks up to the side, pronouncing her woe, “Well I was so caught up in teaching every last thing, I failed to even notice we were making our friend miserable!”

Applejack sighs, then chuckles softly, “It kinda sounds like… we both coulda used the other’s help tonight.”

Rarity pouts. “I’m afraid to admit, you may be right.”

“Well ain’t that a first!” AJ smirks.

“Oh don’t you start with me!”

“Sorry, force a habit.”

The dread in my gut loosens. “So you’re sure you’re not… mad because of me?”

“Not one bit. We let our own silly argument get in the way of having a fun night with our friend!” I recognize the same guilt I’ve been feeling on her face, “And that you were here blamin’ yourself is just the lid on the apple crate, I’m awfully sorry.”

“I apologize as well, this incident is a shame upon my socialite record!” Her eyes soften at me. “And thinking poorly of yourself is the last thing you should do. You’re a wonder darling!”

My stomach is doing flip flops from the sudden reversal. Now they’re apologizing to me. And— And saying nice things about me. Oh goodness.

At the same time, the analytical part of my mind is contextualizing this, figuring out how this could make a letter to the Princess. I loosen my hold on the covers, body relaxing. “I’m just glad you girls aren’t fighting anymore…”

“That ain’t exactly a high bar.”

“I agree Applejack, Dusk deserves much more of a resolution,” Rarity says, “We’ll have to make it up to you the best way we can! By turning this around into the best Slumber Party you could imagine!” She strikes a pose, head tilted in stylish contrition. ”I swear it upon my honor as a lady!”

She cracks one eye open to look over at Applejack. “If you would join me, that is…”

The slightest smile spreads onto Applejack’s muzzle. “Sure thing Rarity, reckon I can manage that.” She turns to look at me. “What’dya say? Ready for another go?”

I hesitate, looking at the two of them, and the warmth in their eyes. It reminds me of why I wanted to have this slumber party in the first place. “I…” my eyes light up. “I— Yes! Yes!” I hop out of bed. “I’ll go get my book!”

A few hours later, we’ve gone through all sorts of games and activities. And actually had fun doing them! It’s amazing how much of a difference having your friends actually want to be together makes! Rarity described what everything meant, and then Applejack would help me actually do it. Slowly all the tension wound out of me, and in its place a sense of lightness. I was getting really relaxed. Maybe a little too relaxed, because I left Slumber 101 sitting open on the table, and Rarity’s eyes latched onto something that even I had almost forgotten.

She holds the book in her telekinetic grasp. “You know Dusk, it says here that the first activity is makeovers!” She tsks, “My my, you must really not want to do it, if you skipped a step on a list!”

“It’s not that!” I look away awkwardly. “It would just be… weird, right?”

Rarity stares at me, incredulous. Then she stamps her hoof on the ground valiantly. “Dusk, we agreed to treat you like one of us girls. And I intend to do exactly that!” her posture relaxes. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

I scrape at the ground. “Well, yes…”

She grins, trotting behind me. “Then I’m definitely giving you a make over!”

“But—”

Rarity starts pushing over towards the mirror. “No buts! Sorry Dusk, everypony gets a makeover, colts too! You must simply grin and bear it, for the good of the Slumber Party!”

From that point, very many things happened that are beyond my comprehension. There were flat irons, and powders, and lipstick, and quite a lot of hair pulling that Rarity insisted was all “part of the process of beautification.” A desperate look to Applejack resulted in a sympathetic eye roll.

Though despite the occasional discomfort, I had to say having Rarity work on me like this is always really nice. There’s something calming about the gentle touches, moving and adjusting my body. And with her giving me a… a makeover with makeup and everything, it becomes a lot more intimate. Like I’m a canvas upon which she paints, her shaping me, recreating me.

I start to drift off a little, only responding to the occasional request to turn my head this way or that. Suddenly, Rarity’s voice demands my attention.

“And, done!” She spins me around to face the mirror. “Take your time to marvel.”

My eyes focus on the reflection in front of me. I stare for a moment, tilt my head and then it suddenly clicks that I’m looking at myself.

Taking a step closer, a breath escapes me. I look good. I look really good. The makeup is surprisingly naturalistic. It’s hard to articulate the difference except that I look softer and brighter. The eyes staring back at me seem larger, and more curious somehow. My hair is brushed out and flattened, instead of the tousled mess that usually accompanies me, and it looks longer, almost stylish.

As I look in that mirror, a smile grows, and my hooves start to tap excitedly. I look so good I look—

Cute. Soft and cute. This is the first time in recent memory I’ve ever wanted to look at myself in the mirror. And I do! It’s hard to look away, seeing it just… makes me feel good about being me! Seeing me, I guess. Gosh that’s weird to say. Why is that weird to say? Why am I smiling?

I’ve dressed up before, I looked good, aesthetically. I think. So why am I—

I notice Rarity is beaming at me, stars in her eyes. Her hooves are rubbing together in a fashion I can only describe as sinister.

Applejack raises an eyebrow at her. “Now what are you schemin’?”

“Oh nothing~,” Rarity replies singsong, “So Dusk, how do you favor your transformation?” she asks, acting like she already knows the answer.

I feel on the spot suddenly, the attention of these two mares focused on me as I'm sitting here wearing makeup. Why is she asking me like that? I blush. “Um, good! It’s very neat! You are very skilled at makeup.” It sounds stilted even to me.

“Wonderful, wonderful!”

“Yeah,” Applejack drawls, “Not too shabby Dusk! Though you don’t need no makeup to look pretty.”

My first thought is translating that double negative. The second thought is wait what? Pretty? That— Is a very odd thing to imply about me. Why would she… say that?

“Uh. should I, keep it on?” I ask the two sheepishly.

“Well it’s customary to keep it on at least until one goes to bed, I’ll help you remove it as well.”

I breath a sigh of relief. Ok. Just… play it cool. There’s nothing weird about stepping out of your comfort zone, that’s what this is for, right? Rarity and Applejack are both taking it in good fun, no need to get so serious about it! No need for me to get weird about it. “Sounds good!” I smile casually.

We push a couple hours later into the night, digging deeper into our tome of activities. I couldn’t be more delighted that Applejack and Rarity actually seem to be enjoying each others company. Their bouts of one-upsmareship seem good natured, judging by the mutual laughter.

I’m a little sad when the time comes to take off the makeup. It must be because I don’t want this night to end. It started out rough, but in the end it was even more special than I could’ve hoped for!

It was awkward having to be told by Rarity how to clean myself off, like I was a foal again or something, but that was over quickly. The look of me in that mirror won’t leave me. Maybe I should care more about my appearance, then I might feel the way I did more often.

Applejack’s already left the room, and I turn to Rarity. “Maybe we could… do something with my appearance again some time? I kind of… liked how I looked, it was different,”

It wasn’t a smirk, but her smile was certainly thinking of becoming one. “Oh of course! That is my wheelhouse after all.”

Ok, oh. That’s… ok. I really did ask her that. “Thanks… Rarity.”

“Well, what are friends for darling!”

Pretty soon we were headed to bed for real this time. Without my heightened state of distress, the reality of my two friends sleeping in the same room as me actually starts sinking in. It’s so strange!! I have mares sleeping over in my room! They aren’t sleeping here in that way of course, we’re friends, it’s totally different. Their presence is a little nerve wracking, but it’s also comforting in a way. Even in this quiet and this privacy, my friends are still with me, and I’m not alone. They help drive away the uneasy silence that happens when Spike isn’t here.

As the sound of the two mares’ breathing slows, it seems they finally fallen asleep for real. I guess they really do feel comfortable around me. That thought glues a sleepy smile to my muzzle. I can’t help but peek open one eye and take a look at them. In her sleep, Applejack absentmindedly threw a hoof over Rarity, and Rarity’s snuggled into it. I smile, it’s just wonderful that two ponies who seem so different can end up being such good friends!

I lay back down. I snuggle my pillow for lack of another pony. Maybe I’m not so weird after all? With that thought in my head, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

Chapter 3

View Online

The Grand Galloping Gala was coming up, and Rarity had put it upon herself to design all of us new outfits.

Rarity had downright refused to let me attend the gala. "In that ratty old suit."

It was fine! It was comfortable!

But I can't deny the offer is very, well, generous! And it's clothing made especially for me. I wish I cared more about clothing to accommodate that. But it's objectively, really nice.

Except that Rarity asked to meet me, and only me, alone, to 'discuss the project.' It's the kind of request that fills me with nervous anticipation. It could mean so many things, which does no favors for my anxious disposition. Although... there's one fear that stands out. Rarity has been... giving me looks. I saw her watching my face as she offered to make me a new suit. I'm almost certain she was thinking about the gender elephant in the room. I have no clue what it was she saw there, but there's fear and excitement warring in my gut over it.

Rarity is standing at her display table when I trot in. She turns, and her eyes quickly light up. "Dusk! Thank you so much for coming."

"Of course! You're doing all this for free, I'd hardly want to be ungrateful."

"Well that's very thoughtful, but this visit is for our mutual benefit you see." She steps away from the table, approaching me. She quickly sizes me up, the same way she does everypony she meets. It makes me feel more naked than usual. Her eyes linger on my face, above it.

"You've been growing out your mane," A statement.

I look down. "Well. More just delaying getting a haircut. But yes."

"I approve!" Rarity smiles deeply. "You're very pretty darling."

I squeak a noise that would make Fluttershy proud, stuttering, heat spreading across my face.

"I- N-no I'm not," My protest is weak, and instinctual.

"Now darling, it's rude not to take a compliment." She turns back toward her fabrics, not waiting for my rebuttal. And the way she says it makes me feel helpless, like me being pretty is somehow a self evident fact.

"Let's get down to the purpose of our little visit!" A sketchpad rises in her magic, flipping open. "I've been brainstorming about your ensemble." On the page is a suit. A nice one. The lines are sleek, and surprisingly... curvy? It hugs tight in some places, draping softly over others. A star pattern is dappled across it, like the cloth is a portal into space. I try to find patterns and constellations in the stylized stars, disappointed to see they don't match any known star formations. But I bite my lip about that, because overall?

"It's beautiful," I say, a little awed. And that's the word that comes to mind, not handsome, not dashing. Some part of me wishes I was disappointed about that, but I'm not.

"Why thank you! I thought it might be to your tastes. But I also prepared some... options, just in case." I make an inquisitive noise at that. She obliges by flipping to the next page.

It's a dress. A gorgeous one. And at first I don't understand, why is she showing me this? I smile, a little confused. Then I see the stars, that it's the same motif as the suit, and I get it.

My face goes dead. A black iron door swinging shut over the searing flame inside, cutting it off from escaping into the world, and the world from ever reaching it. “What is that?” I ask flatly.

“Why it’s a dress of course!” she says innocently, “I thought you might like to try something new, something… how did you phrase it, different?”

Well, I hadn't asked for this. But I'd asked for the kind of thing that implied this, so I can hardly be that shocked Rarity took the initiative. I can just politely tell her this isn't what I meant. “That’s really thoughtful of you Rarity, but the suit is just fine.”

She does a little pout. “Are you sure? Feminine clothes are nothing to be embarrassed about if that’s what’s worrying you.”

I give a soft chuckle, though my heart isn’t in it, “No no, clothing doesn't have a gender, that would be a very silly reason. I'm simply not into dresses, they aren't my style," I say, as if I have a 'style.'

Rarity bites her lip, before tilting her head in assent. "Very well then, the suit it is! You won't be disappointed." She floats the sketchbook back to herself. "I'll just dispose of this, then," she says nonchalantly, walking toward the waste bin. She grips the page with the dress and starts ripping it off the binder ring of the sketch book.

For a moment I stare, horrified. I only make it past the first couple painful pops of tearing paper before— "Wait!" I call out.

Rarity freezes mid tear, then slowly turns her head, glancing at me with a knowing smirk. And all I can think is, she knows. She knows. She knows. She knows. Like an alarm bell. I'm not sure what it is she knows, but it terrifies me. I'm such a fool, I should've known Rarity wouldn't just throw out one of her designs.

"Yes darling? Is something the matter?" she says with mock innocence, "Did you perhaps tell a fib about your lack of interest?"

I don't know why it's my cheeks that are flushing with embarrassment, when she's the one who tricked me. I'm pretty sure this mare is evil. "I– No, It's just, I've never even worn one! I wouldn't want you to go through all that trouble for it."

Rarity gives a ladylike giggle, "Oh is that all? Easily remedied!" She gestures around grandly "Carousel Boutique certainly doesn’t lack for dresses! We can try some things out, and see if it's something you'd be interested in for the Gala!"

I sputter. Me going to the Gala in a dress is hard to imagine. It makes me feel some kind of way.

Her grin fades a little at the deer in the headlights expression stuck on my face. Her voice is softer, "You don't have to do this. But it seems like you want to, and there's nothing to lose! What are you afraid of?"

Am– Am I afraid...? If I had been pressed earlier, I would've said it was simply too much effort to bother with. Yeah, I've wondered about dresses, but I've never wanted it that bad. I've just felt jealous of how cute mares are sometimes, but is that really a good enough reason to go trying on dresses?

Now though, the circumstances are such that not trying on a dress actually would take more effort than just doing it. I'm sitting here with my blood frozen, so I must be feeling something about it. So my reasoning is clearly inconsistent with reality. I... am afraid. That more than anything annoys me. There shouldn't be any reason a... stallion... can't try on dresses. This hesitation is illogical, and doesn't match up with my beliefs. Therefore, the best thing to do is the option which represents my values. That makes sense.

"I... ok. I guess you're right," I say sheepishly.

"Excellent!" Rarity squeals, "Don't worry, it's just you and me, and nopony here will be judging you!”

A few minutes later I'm sitting in a changing room, with a rack of dresses looming over me. Rarity had gone into the backroom and come back suspiciously quickly with an array of dresses all in my size. She quickly shooed me into the dim curtained room, telling me to pick whichever one speaks to you!

Dresses cannot talk.

I know she was using metaphorical language, but still. I don't know what clothes 'speaking' to you is supposed to feel like. They're just... constructions of cloth that you're occasionally forced to wear for social functions. I hardly know how to put these dresses on, let alone imagine them on me.

So I guess I just have to... start somewhere. Pins and needles run up my limbs as I approach the rack. A lot of them are just flat out too intimidating. But I mean, dresses are just... less magical robes right? I've worn plenty of robes. Granted, not for aesthetic purposes per say, mainly for ceremonial or historical reenactment reasons--

Ok, I'm stalling.

I discard the structurally complicated dresses, the last thing I need is to step out and realize I put it on wrong, I would die. I also discard the ones that are... well, a little bit too risqué. Not going to think about why Rarity put those in here.

Of my remaining options, I'm not sure how to choose. I pace back and forth around them, staring, when something catches my eye. It's a dark blue dress, a simple design. But the material is glittery, it almost seems to sparkle in the dim light. I... think I like it.

I hold it in my hooves, the cloth is textured, but it's not rough enough to set off my sensory sensitivities, it actually feels kinda nice.

I carefully turn away from the mirror as I start putting it on, feeling slightly outside of myself as I go through the motions. My body is covered in a tingling phantom sensation that's definitely all in my head. The dress snugs into place in what I think is the correct way. I had closed my eyes at some point, probably when I put my head through the hole, but have yet to open them up again. I do that.

Well. My hooves look the same as always. As I raise my head again, I can start to see the shimmery blue neckline in my peripheral vision. Huh. I peek over my shoulder. I catch a glimpse of soft fabric draping over my body, before I have to quickly look away again, gluing my eyes to the floor. Looking at myself is surprisingly difficult! My hooves are fidgeting with nervous energy, and I just want to get this over with. But I’m afraid I’ll look in the mirror and see that this was all a big mistake, that I look foolish and out of place, that I could never be cute even if I wanted to.

But at least I would know. This waiting is starting to become even more painful, this stasis will have to end sooner than later. It's like a bandaid right? That's the logic I use to make myself face the mirror.

I– I–

It's just me, standing there, in a dress. Nothing comes crashing down, no soul shattering revelations wrack my mind. I look... fine? It's hard to tell. More than what I look like, it's something else drawing my attention.

I feel painfully aware of my body in a way I usually don't. All the lines and edges awkwardness that I ignore on a day to day basis. Anxiety starts to fill me up. Am I cute? How am I supposed to tell when all I can stare at is the line of my jaw, the taper of my limbs. I'm forced to be aware of it all. And it's... painful. It hurts, without the distance it's like being suffocated in myself, in my flesh.

Like a festering wound exposed to air, it hurts, but it also feels real. In a way that I, that my body, usually isn't. I'm in here, I'm actually in here, in my body. Looking out through these eyes. Not just piloting this vessel from afar. The difference is obvious now that I'm feeling it again. I... how long had I been like that?

I don't have an answer to that. I think... when I was a foal, it was closer to this. When did it change, and how had I not noticed? I wish I was more used to this, I wish I knew how to evaluate myself in the mirror, to know how I looked, good or bad, but it's just one big blaring signal, too overwhelming to be converted into meaning.

I can't tell if I still look too much like a stallion. Whatever too much is.

Wait.

Do I not want to look like a stallion?

I... Fuck. I don't.

What I was afraid of when I looked in the mirror was that I would just look like a stallion in a dress. It's a wrongheaded way of thinking, in reality appearance is independent from gender, a ‘stallion’ can look like anything. But I can't help it, in my mind there are a set of standards, a set of stereotypes of what maleness looks like, and I don't want that.

That is what finally makes me cry. The catharsis of finally naming something that's... is painful too dramatic? Uncomfortable maybe. Uneasy. The tears are slow and quiet, just enough to wet the fur around my muzzle.

I can't help but think something is going to have to change. I can't just go back to feeling numb in my body, pretending that's fine. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.

What do I want to look like? I can't believe I've never asked myself that before.

The only answer that comes to mind is my friends, they're all... beautiful, each in their own way. Sitting here, in this sparkly dress, the thought of looking like them is exciting. They're so soft and good and cute and– with those thoughts comes other feelings. The embarrassing kind that I really don't like thinking about, that a stallion shouldn't have about his friends. Do I want to look like them, or do I just... want them? The thought makes me feel disgusting. Awful and predatory and... a bad friend.

Rarity's voice interrupts my rumination, "Darling, have you picked something out yet?"

"I... yes, I have," I call back, awkward, afraid she'll hear something in my voice.

"Splendid! Well then do go on darling, let me see!"

I peer nervously through the changing room curtain at her. I know Rarity won't judge me, or laugh at me. But it still makes me feel so exposed. Which is ironic, considering I'm technically wearing more clothes than I usually do. Somepony else seeing me is... different. Scarier than just looking at myself in the mirror. What if this is just some... weird fetish that I'm exposing my friend to?

But at the same time... Rarity knows fashion, knows beauty. Maybe she could make sense of this, if I'm just brave enough to show her. Relax. This is Rarity, it'll be fine. "Um, ok, I'm coming out."

My legs are only shaking a little as I step out past the curtain, my mind occupied by the unfamiliar sensation of fabric swishing at my side.

Rarity’s eyes widen as she sees me, and she grins. I search that grin for mockery, but can’t find any. “Beautiful! I can't say I've never imagined you in a little number like this. But the results are even better than anticipated!"

W-what? “R-really?” I ask, “I don’t look… weird and stallionish?”

“Hardly, darling! I’m no Applejack, but I would never lie to you about fashion! Heaven forbid!” She waves a hoof.

“Oh. Oh— Thank you, that’s very generous but… but how can that be?” My ears turn down. “I look… ok,” I sigh, “I don’t look beautiful.”

Rarity’s expression falls and she bites her lip. But she walks up to me, putting a hoof on my withers. “Here, let me level with you darling.”

I cringe, bracing myself for whatever hard truth I’m about to face.

She puts a hoof to her chest. "I, Rarity, think you’re beautiful. And I am a connoisseur of beauty, it’s what drives me. And you drive me darling. You don’t look like a cis mare, but you aren’t, are you not? Conventionality is hardly the recipe for beauty, in fact it’s quite the opposite.”

I glance down at the ground, hot and cold warring inside me.

She steps up and raises my chin up with a hoof, until I meet her gaze. Her eyes are— hungry? No, lovely.

She speaks to me, “Beauty is something you do, it is expression, life, vibrance! And Dusk Shine, when you let yourself do it, you are always beautiful.” She lets my chin drop and smiles. “If I can help you see that, I will be a happy mare.”

And for just a moment, I do. Like I did looking into that mirror and seeing somepony pretty for the first time. Except this time Rarity is the mirror, I see myself through her eyes. And I like that pony she sees, I like them a lot. Seeing my stunned expression and red cheeks, she half turns back to her work, letting me process.

Rarity… she really, really believes in me. I don’t want to let her down, so I should try and believe in myself too. ”Thank you Rarity, for all of this.” I take a breath, and look at her with my best determined expression. “I want to keep doing things like this. I don’t like the way I usually look.” My ears droop. “I don’t like looking… masculine. But this is— This feels like it could be better, much better.”

My heart is doing funny things in my chest. “I... I think I like looking pretty," I say, my voice soft. It gains a sardonic edge as I look at Rarity, adding, "But you knew that already, didn't you?"

Her head turns back to me. ”Well darling, I had no intention of rushing you, but it's a tad obvious."

“I… guess it is. Oh goodness.” Blushing, I fiddle with the fabric of my dress, of the dress that I’m wearing. “You don’t think that’s weird?”

“I truly don’t, my dear! I meant what I said before.” She looks off into the distance. “Why, you’re going to be such an adorable little thing that I can hardly stand it!” She notices me looking at her, and coughs. “Excuse me, carried away there. Pretend I said that in a less patronizing way, won’t you?”

I roll my eyes at her. But after hearing the phrase ‘adorable little thing,’ I don’t find myself very upset. “Do you really think I could start liking how I look?”

“If you like pretty Dusk, that is definitely something I can help you with.”

I sigh with relief, “I’m not sure I could do it on my own, it’d be too scary. So thank you.”

“Of course!” She says, “Now, does that mean you’ve reached a conclusion about your attire for the Gala?” she purrs with barely contained excitement.

“Oh!” I’d been so wrapped up in trying to figure out what I even wanted to look like, I forgot all this dressing up had a particular purpose. “I don’t… know,” my voice trails off.

Her eyes dart off to the side. "Well— hypothetically," she says conspiratorially from the side of her mouth, "Even if you were a mare, you wouldn't have to choose the dress of course. A lady in a suit can be truly stunning,” She titters, “So there’s no point being nervous in that regard!”

I already said I like being pretty, there’s no use being shy now. “I like the idea of dress in theory. And I know clothing isn’t gendered. But showing up to the Gala in dress? And the fashion show too, here in Ponyville? Could I really do that?” A sigh flows out. “I’m not a trans mare like Fluttershy. I’m just some stallion who likes… being pretty.” I grimace at her. “I’m sorry Rarity, I barely even know what I want.”

“That is a bit of a snafu, yes. You are at a very tentative point in your fashion journey, and I wouldn’t want to force you to commit something that may make you uncomfortable later on…” She taps her chin, before smirking. “So I simply shan’t make you choose! I’ll make you both the dress and the suit!” She nods, like it’s already decided.

My eyes widen considerably. “Are you sure that’s ok, Rarity?” I ask, concerned, “You’re already making five dresses, and now you’re telling me you’ll make six dresses and a suit? Is that really alright?”

“Oh Darling, please!” she laughs, “I wouldn’t be offering if I couldn’t handle it!” She waves off my concern with a hoof. “Now, would you like me to do your makeup as well?”

That puts the practicalities right out of my head. Blushing furiously, and not caring to hide my enthusiasm at this point, I say, "Y-yes please!"

Chapter 4

View Online

I ended up wearing the suit for the fashion show. It felt safer. Disappointing, but safer. Even still, it was the most femme I'd ever been out in public, the suit was very pretty, and Rarity had done my makeup. And some small hiccups and disasters aside, it turned out alright in the end! If I was going to wear that dress, I want to be thinking about that. Not about all the eyes of ponyville scrutinizing me.

The dress is completed though, it’s hanging primly in my closet right now, sparkling when I open the door and waiting for its chance. Alongside it is the suit of course, but also a few more casual dresses Rarity gave me. They weren’t completely original designed-for-me dresses, like the one for the Gala, but that actually helped somewhat. It made them feel less precious, like if I wore them and it didn’t go well, I wouldn’t shatter.

In the weeks after my realization with Rarity, my daily wardrobe hasn’t changed drastically. But it had changed. I like being cute, but I'm still not into clothes enough to wear them all the time. So instead I tend to go with things that are a little easier. Like the hair clip Rarity made for me. Made out of a rosy gold metal, it’s inlaid with a gem the shape and color of my cutie mark, a proud star that sits right where I use the clip to part my mane. It’s small. and pretty, and it makes me feel cute, so I wear it pretty much all the time now.

Speaking of my mane, Rarity has been helping cut and style it while it’s growing out. The messy geometric jumble of locks now sits in a crisp line on my forehead, one that Rarity described as “elegant.” And the end of my mane is starting to show just a bit of an artful curl as it gets longer and drapes down my neck.

I’d never been one of those colts who kept their tail super short, but I’d even let my tail grow out to its full length, and the swish of it while walking was somehow comforting.

It’s a bizarre feeling, being excited to try new accessories and looks. I had certainly never felt excited about how I looked before. But in bits and pieces I’m now starting to actually care about it. And it snowballs into enjoying being out and about more. Because the thing people see when they look at me is something I like a little bit more.

I’m actually on one of those outings right now. Pinkie had invited me to taste test some new recipes, and our other friends were busy, so the honor, and the burden, went to me. So now it’s just me, Pinkie, and the Cakes at Sugar Cube Corner.

Pinkie is a wonderful baker, truly. Testing Pinkie’s goods guarantees eating some marvelous foods. It’s just that some of her creations are a little too advanced for mortal ponies like me to properly appreciate. Such as the spicy caramelized gummy worm layer cake. Of which I just finished ingesting the smallest pieces I feasibly could.

“Sooooo~! How was it??” Pinkie asks, staring at me closely.

I’m still breathing through my mouth, trying to get it to stop burning. Luckily, I was saved from having to answer by Mrs. Cake speaking up, “Pinkie dear, sorry to interrupt but it’s almost closing time! We’re going to close down the shop now.”

“Awww! But Dusky hasn’t tried all the new recipes yet!”

Mrs. Cake says, closing up the register, “Well, Dusk Shine is certainly welcome to stay in the shop, as long as you clean up and close things down when you’re done!”

Pinkie salutes. “Yes can do Mrs. Cake, sir!”

I hesitate. I love my friends, and love being around them. But being alone with just one of them has always made me nervous. That fear has been better since the talk we had, but it’s hard to get out of the habit. “Oh, that’s ok Mrs. Cake! There’s no need to go to the trouble!”

”Oh, of course there is Dusk dearie! You're such a nice young stallion, you're welcome anytime!" Ms. Cake says, as they start to trot up the stairs. I do my best to smile back, because the sentiment is kind. Even though it makes something in my chest ache. When she's out of sight, I give a small sigh and turn back toward Pinkie.

Except Pinkie is currently two inches from my face, looking at me with wide eyes. I give a startled yelp, but it doesn't appear to phase Pinkie Pie, she just asks, "Whatcha thinkin' about Dusky?"

"Oh, not much!"

She moves further into my personal space, tapping my noggin with her hoof. "You sure? You're always thinking at least much! Double or triple much when you're on a roll!" She raises an eyebrow and smiles. "Plusssss, you did kinda look like you were just about to start singing a sad song, or reciting mopey poetry, or both at the same time! I don't know how you'd do that but I think somepony as smart as you could figure it out! Like poem songs! Or song poems! With lots of drama and worry!"

That bad huh? I've been trying not to let it get to me. It didn't get to me before, so why should it now? I don't want to make anypony feel awkward because of me. "Sorry Pinkie, I've just been thinking some about growing up and my childhood and...." I look away a little, afraid what it'll lead to. "And uh, gender."

Her eyes widen. "Gender? I hardly know her!" then she bursts into a fit of self induced giggles, falling onto her back

Seeing Pinkie, I still can't help but smile. She's so cute and fun. I turn myself to the next recipe to try, a ‘Mint Explosion Bundt Cake’, slightly afraid of how literal the explosion part will be. "Yes Pinkie, gender." I say, "Honestly I wish I didn't know her either sometimes." It comes out with more sass and bite than I intended.

Pinkie stops giggling and looks at me curiously, jumping back onto her hooves. "What do you mean?"

As much as it scares me, I've been keeping these thoughts in for weeks, dissecting them to only myself. The idea of sharing them actually sounds really nice. Who knows, Pinkie might have some of her weird wisdom for me

"It's just... When I was really young I didn't have to think about gender really. I was just a kid. I did kid stuff! I liked books and stories and puzzles, and that's who I was. Ponies still called me a colt, but it didn't interfere with my life. But then... going to school and getting older, it started to matter to other ponies, more and more. But not to me. I didn't understand it! Why did I have to be put into some arbitrary category?" My voice is a lot more... not bitter, more sad than I expected, "It didn't matter, so why did everypony obsess over it! Why did everypony have to fuss about it, why couldn't they just let it be!! Why couldn't I just be me?"

My voice is harsher than I expected. In my mind I had been trying to examine the topic objectively. But coming out of me, it was something very different. I falter, breathing. I look to Pinkie, hoping she isn't upset, or mad at me. But she just smiles softly, and says, ”Go on, it's ok.” As she does, she pushes the cake and plate away from me, clearly signaling that taste testing time is over until we’ve talked

I exhale. "But... to other ponies it did matter. It mattered to society. I knew things like misogyny were real, and I wanted to be a good pony, so I couldn't just ignore it. So I just... learned to carry the label of stallion around with me, like a dead weight attached to my identity. Something to be referred to when absolutely necessary, and otherwise ignored."

I look at Pinkie, the corners of my eyes hot. I don't have any point to this tale, just a bundle of emotion I'd never realized I'd been silently suppressing for years. "And thinking back on it... it makes me wish I could just go back to being that little kid, who was just a pony, and not a stallion. It sounds so nice, so free.” My ears droop. “But that’s long gone.”

I put on a small smile, forcing my voice into a more casual register, to show Pinkie I'm ok, that she doesn't have to take care of me. "And that is what I was thinking about, when Mrs. Cake called me a 'nice young stallion.'"

The smile Pinkie gives me is subdued for her "Dusky, do you want ponies to stop calling you a stallion?"

"And what? Go by gender neutral identifiers just because it makes me more comfortable? I'm not non-binary, Pinkie. You can't decide to be non-binary just because you want to."

She stares. The look she's giving me makes me second guess myself. "...Right?"

"Why not! That's what I did," Pinkie says enthusiastically, looking a little confused.

"You— You did? Oh— Oh my goodness have I been misgendering you this whole time? Pinkie I am so sorry—"

"Calm down silly billy~!" Pinkie says, booping my nose to interrupt me, "I still use she/her, and I'm still fine with being called a mare, you got all that right!" She giggles. "But there's more to me than only that! The world is so full of color and life and fun things to explore, why would I limit myself to only one little box? Instead I just be anything and everything I wanna be, whenever I want to be! My gender is a delightful little bundle of chaos and surprises!"

"Oh! Oh, I see! So what does that... make you?" I say, wincing at the possibly rude phrasing.

"Well, mostly I think of myself as Pinkie!! Because that's me, I'm Pinkie Pie!" She says proudly. Then she taps her chin with a hoof "But if you're looking for a label-y deal-y, I kinda like genderqueer mare! Emphasis on the queer!"

I strain my mind to take that information in and categorize it as thoroughly as possible. I know the term genderqueer, and obviously mare as well. I don't know that specific combination, but the name combined with Pinkie's explanations gives me a vague intuition of its meaning. My voice is a little awed, "And you just... did that? Because you wanted to?"

"Yuppers puppers!" She says cheerfully, "It doesn't change a whole lot about how ponies refer to me. But I like thinking of myself that way, and it makes me happy!! It feels super comfy!" She looks at me. "Do you think that's a silly reason for me to be non-binary?" Her tone isn't accusing, she asks it like she already knows my answer.

"No! No, of course not, I think that's really beautiful." I softly, hoping she can hear the sincerity in my voice.

She tilts her head. "So why's it any different for you?"

"I— Because—" My voice peters out, as does my instinctive defense that no, that's different, I'm different. Because I don't have an answer for why that is. Or, not a logical one. Just this gut reaction of shame and inauthenticity. Like if I dig deep enough, I'll find the reason why I can't be non-binary, the reason why I'm actually just some awful weirdo, and my friends will all hate me if they figure out the awful truth and— I shiver. "I don't know," I say finally.

"Then what's the harm in trying it out?"

"That seems... difficult."

"Nah! it's easy, watch this!" She says and turns to face the empty parlor. She does a sweeping wave to her invisible audience. "Hello everypony!" She gestures toward me. "I'd like you to meet Dusk! They're my very cute super best friend, and they're the smartest nicest lil pony around!!" She starts counting, "Their interests include; books, and friendship, and being purple!"

"Well, being purple isn't so much an interest. But. Yes." My cheeks are hot. "You really think I'm cute?"

Pinkie immediately wraps me up in a huge hug "Duh!! And you've just gotten cuter!! With all your little accessories and being all flouncy and soft!"

"O-oh," Is what I say.

She grins at me. "But enough about that!! How did it feel?"

I pause in thought, trying to separate the warm fuzzy feelings created by the nice things

Pinkie said about me, and whatever feelings the change in gender reference invoked. It's a little hard to sort out. But what's obvious is that that stab of pain is gone.

It's... it's nice actually. To just be Dusk Shine the pony, and not Dusk Shine the stallion. Dusk Shine the... cute pony.

“I… actually think I like that a lot.”

“OooooOoooOOoOO~!” Pinkie grins. “I’m super glad!!” She sidles up next to me and elbows me softly “So~ Do ya want me to keep using them?”

I raise my hoof and open my mouth, then hesitate. Do I really want to take that step?

Yes, yes of course I do. My own eagerness surprises me. Am I too eager? Does that
mean I—

No. No, I am not going to spiral about that too. Because I’ve just realized there’s a very reasonable logic to my response. “Well. Thinking about it. Gendering ponies because of how they were born doesn’t make very much sense.” I furrow my brows, voice growing more animated. “There’s no good reason why being a colt or a stallion should’ve been forced on me!”

It came out more heated than I intended, so I try to force myself back into the lecturing tone of voice, “So. In a more sane world, I’d already be using neutral language. Switching to they/them isn’t really a statement. It’s simply me correcting a preexisting inefficiency back to its base state.” I conclude, slamming one hoof down into the other.

Pinkie turns her head, and then turns it a little more, looking at me. Then her head bounces back upright and she nods cheerfully “Yeah totally! Makes sense Dusky!”

I feel like Pinkie might be humoring me, but I appreciate her reassurance nonetheless.

“Are you gonna tell the rest of the girls? I know they’ll all be super happy about it!!!”

“I…” There’s a certain amount of confidence flowing through my veins. My argument feels like it makes sense, and that’s much easier for me to deal with than just whatever these feelings have been. “I think… I am!”

“Eeee! Woohoo!!!” Pinkie Pie wraps me up in a big hug. “I’m so happy for you!”

I blush, hugging back softly. “Thanks.”

As it turns out, premeditated confidence is much easier than confidence in the moment. After a few days staying furtively cooped up in my library, I finally ask Pinkie for help, and so she tags along with me to tell our friends. It’s faintly embarrassing that I’m holding onto her presence like an emotional security blanket, but… but there’s nothing wrong with relying on your friends to help you! I even sent a friendship report about that a month ago!

Which brought me to the first of my friends to tell. This was the visit I was most nervous about, it would surely set the tone for all the rest.

Pinkie enthusiastically knocked on the cottage door, whilst I hid behind her. Fluttershy appeared in the opening doorway.

Pinkie gave a bounce for good measure and said, “Hey Flutter Butter Shutter Shy~!! Can we come in? We have super exciting news!”

“Oh! Of course.” Fluttershy smiled fondly, and led us in.

Soon we were sitting on Fluttershy’s couch, with tea in front of us. It reminds me a little too much of how this all started, the day I finally expressed my fears to the girls. But that worked out well, right?

Pinkie addresses Fluttershy, who’s looking between us curiously, “So~ Dusky wants to tell you something, right Dusky?”

“I— Yes.” I swallow. “I’ve been thinking, and talking, and… contemplating and—” Too much information! Cut it! “And I wanted to tell you that—” I look down. “I’m Agender, and I’d like it very much if you’d use they/them for me.” My voice trails off into inaudibility, barely a whisper. If I wasn’t so anxious I’d find it funny that my and Fluttershy’s roles have been reversed.

There’s a small but significant gasp, the kind that comes from Fluttershy being truly surprised. I look up, but instead of seeing fear, discomfort, or disappointment, what I see is joy on her face.

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!” She gushes, hovering above her seat. When she notices she’s started flying, she blushes a little and slowly drifts back down, and clears her throat. “So, are you going to pick a new name?”

I start responding, only for my eyes to go wide. I— I hadn’t even considered that! Oh pony feathers I am completely unprepared for this! Should I pick a new name? Do I have to?

Seeing my panic, Fluttershy says, “Don’t worry, there’s no reason you have to change your name! And you have plenty of time to think about it if you ever want to!”

The advice is simple, and coming from Fluttershy it calms me. Even though I’m trying not to put her on a pedestal, I can’t help but view her as… as the ‘elder trans.’ Like, she’s such a perfect mare, everything I’m not, and whatever she says will determine my validity. “And you’re… ok with this? You think it’s a good idea?”

Fluttershy looks at me gently. “Of course! I know how scary it can be to tell somepony something like that, so it must really matter to you! That makes it something to embrace I think.” She says, tilting her head slightly and smiling at me.

The sight, and the support it shows, warms my heart. And it makes me feel a little more confident about telling the others. If Fluttershy says it’s ok, then it must be, right?

We stay chatting and drinking tea for a long while. Our cue to leave was when Pinkie offered to ‘Whip something up real quick in the kitchen, and turn this into a real party!’

I dragged the reluctant party pony out of the cottage, Fluttershy telling me I could always come to her for help if I needed it.

Heading to Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack was, of course, supportive. She threw an arm around me and said, “Bein’ honest about how you really feel takes a lot of courage, I’m real proud of you!” Then she promptly invited me to come inside and have lunch with her family. But I politely declined, saying I had more ponies to visit before the day was through, and Applejack waved me and Pinkie off.

The next we told was Rarity. She was very supportive, and clearly chomping at the bit about what this meant for my future wardrobe options. But she had enough grace not to say “I told you so.”

Rainbow Dash? Not quite so much. I tell her, and in response, Rainbow Dash’s face splits into the most self satisfied, most obnoxious grin I’ve ever seen on a pony. Just when I think she’s going to start teasing me, she dives down and basically sweeps me off my hooves into a hug that’s uncharacteristically touchy for the brash pegasus. She lets me down, and pulls back, still grinning at me. “Nice going egghead! I totally called it~”

I stifle my protests, in no rush to remind her she predicted I would be a mare. That can wait, I’d let this silly pegasus have her moment. Especially if it meant I got more hugs.

Chapter 5

View Online

About a month has passed since I came out to my friends, and things have been fine. Not fine… good actually. Nothing much changed with their behavior, but I realized that was because ever since that lunch with my friends, they had already been treating me pretty much gender neutrally. The only real difference was the official terms of address, which didn’t seem like they should make such a huge difference.

But they did! Oh stars they did! Around my friends I hadn’t heard myself called a stallion in weeks and weeks, and it was like a weight off my shoulders.

It’s a little embarrassing, but it felt like my coming out was just me admitting what everypony else already knew. That doesn’t make me regret it though, it just makes me more eager to make up for lost time. Something Pinkie had an idea for.

It’s Friday night. My candle is burning low when Spike comes upstairs for one of his periodic checks on me. He’s very helpful and sweet, but sometimes I worry I may have imparted just a little of my neuroses onto the poor guy.

“You know, why am I the one with the bed time when you’re the one who doesn’t sleep?” Spike says, waddling up to my desk.

I put down my quill and smile at him. “Because you are a baby dragon, and I am a grown St—“ I flinch. “A grown pony.” I carry on, hoping he doesn’t notice the slip up.

He just keeps going. “No way, I’m young, that means I’m full of,“ he yawns, “energy.” I roll my eyes. He stands on his toes and peeks his head over the surface of my desk. His eyes land on the pile of plain purple envelopes sitting stuffed and sealed. I go still. He doesn’t notice. “So what are you working on anyway? I’ve never seen you write so many letters without me!”

“Well, these letters aren’t going to Celestia, so I thought I’d give you a break.”

He looks up at me skeptically. “And...?”

I sigh. “And these letters are, well, private.”

His eyes go wide and he lets out a whistle “Wow! That’s a lot of love letters!” He elbows me. “Nice work dude.”

“Spike!” I squawk at him, “N-not that kind of private!” I look down. “Besides, I’m not even sure if I’m sending these.”

“Well, what are they then?” He asks, sounding disappointed.

“They’re... They’re...” I try to think of how to best explain them away. But... This is a talk I’ve been putting off for a while. And I should probably just pony up and go through with it. “They’re something I need to talk to you about actually, Spike.”

Instead of responding, he walks away, and grabs a stool, setting it next to my desk. He plops down in it.

I give him a look.

“Hey!” He looks offended. “I know that tone of voice! Knowing you this might be a long one.”

I smile, conceding. “Alright, you’re very prepared. Good job Spike.”

“So...?”

“Right, yes. Um...” How do I broach something like this? “Spike. Would you be... disappointed if I wasn’t your brother anymore?”

“Whoa! Of course, I wasn’t that mad about the bed time!” he says with concern.

“Oh gosh, Spike! That’s not what I meant, of course we’ll always be family!” I correct quickly. “What I mean is, would you be disappointed if I was something else instead of a brother?”

“I’m not getting it, what else would you be?”

“Instead of a brother, something like a... a sibling?”

The gears turn behind Spikes eyes “How’s that even any different—“ his eyes suddenly go wide “Oh. Oohhhhhhh.” He stares at me, gathering his thoughts. I can’t help but look away, fixed on the letters on my desk. “So. That means you’re like, transgender?” He says unsurely.

“Mm, yes, Mostly.” I reply without looking back at him. I’m definitely not breathing at this point, and it doesn’t help that I won’t look at him.

I hear the patter of tiny feet on hardwood, and then two little dragon arms wrap around me. Frozen for a moment, I wrap my hooves around him as well. We stay like that for a long while.

When he finally pulls back, Spike says “You know, I kinda noticed—”

That gets my adrenaline going again, my voice cracks, “N-noticed what? Oh gosh, I’m not ready to be out to everypony yet! What was it?”

Spike laughs. “No no! I noticed you’ve been a lot happier.” He smiles gently. “So whatever it is, you should keep doing it.”

“Oh.” I say, softly. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. “Thank you, Spike. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

He waves me off. “Yeah, I know, I’m the best little brother ever.” Then he hops back onto his stool. “Now tell all about it.”

I blink the tears out of my eyes, and readjust myself. Smiling softly, I say, “Ok. So, I’ve decided I’m Agender. I’m not a stallion, or a mare, or even anything in between. I’m just a pony now, no gendered identifiers needed! I’m using they them pronouns now too.”

Spike slowly nods his head up and down, eventually repeating, “Ok. Ok, yeah.” He scratches his chin. “I think I got it. I’ve never actually hung out with any they them using ponies before, but it doesn’t sound that hard. I can totally be cool about it, don’t worry!”

“I know you will Spike, it’s ok if you need some practice,” I say, “As for what the letters are for, they’re invitations for a party celebrating me coming out. You’re invited of course!”

“Oh, cool! That's almost as good as love notes.” Spike nods. A second after that, he starts to raise a claw, then quickly lowers it.

“Yes Spike? It’s ok, ask,” I reassure.

Spike looks around a bit before settling on me. “...Why? Why all this?” Then he holds up his claws defensively. “I’m not trying to be rude or anything, it just seems sudden!”

My eyes widen a little and I chuckle lightly. “Not at all. Why is a pretty good question actually.”

I concentrate inwardly, gathering the narrative in my head. I’ve never had to explain this to somepony who was totally out of the loop about my gender before. “The truth is, I just… never liked being a stallion. It’s always been uncomfortable, I just ignored it.” I sigh. “But now I actually have friends who know me, and care about me. And for once, it forced me to confront how other ponies see me. And the longer I went with my friends thinking of me as a stallion, the more miserable and insecure I felt about it.” More light starts to fill my eyes, as I think toward the next part of this story. “But my friends helped show me it didn’t have to be that way, I could choose to change things. Change my life into something that fit me better, that made me happier.”

Spikes eyes are wide. “Wow! That’s pretty cool!” He squints. “Not the miserable part I mean. The part about just deciding who you want to be!” He looks up at me “You can just do that?”

“I know right? That’s what I said too!” I laugh. “But it’s true.”

Spike blinks at me, then blinks some more. “Huh.” Is all he says, a far away look in his eyes. Then he rubs the back of his neck with a claw “I think I’m actually going to turn in. Thanks for telling me about your new, uh, gender thing!”

“Of course, sleep well Spike.” I say warmly.

He starts to climb the stairs to the sleeping loft, but turns around to say, “Goodnight br–” He stops himself and tilts his head, thinking. “Goodnight, uh, sib!” he says, immediately rounding the corner.

It takes my brain a moment to process what ‘sib’ means. But when I do, I can’t stop my tired smile spreading from ear to ear. I stop myself from squealing out loud, channelling it into doing a silent little dance in my chair. The warmth stays in my chest. I really do have the best little brother.

Chapter 6

View Online

I had very sheepishly asked if it was alright to wear my gala dress to the party. My dress. Wow, it feels very strange that that is a true statement, it feels very… something. I like it though. When I asked, Rarity practically tried strapping me into it then and there. At this point I think she might just enjoy dressing me up like a doll. I suppose she feels the same about everypony else too, but directed at me it is admittedly a little flustering.

“And there we go darling! Perfect!” Rarity says, stepping back from me as I fidget nervously.

“This is alright?” I ask, turning this way and that, making the dress sway as I look down at myself.

“You look beautiful,” She says, looking at me excitedly.

And I mean… What do I make of that?! As difficult as it is to believe, she just keeps saying it! Maybe she’s just being generous with me. “Ok,” I say.

She ushers me downstairs into the main library, and I couldn’t feel more self conscious walking down the steps. Above me the banner reads ‘Dusk Is Non-Binary Celebration Party’, even though everypony in attendance already knows about it.

My friends are all gathered around the table, they turn and look up at me. Fluttershy is smiling, a hoof to her mouth and eyes shining. Applejack seems relieved, an easy smile on her face. Pinkie Pie gasps, breaking out into a grin of excitement that seems to grow perpetually. Spike gives an excited one dragon round of applause. Rainbow Dash stares, eyes very wide, before attempting to regain her composure and letting out a long whistle. I’m stuck between blushing and smiling and rolling my eyes, so I just look down and trot down the rest of the stairs.

“You look amazing Dusky!” Pinkie says, bounding over and hugging me.

“Thank you.” I say, a little stunned but still smiling. It’s silly, but the hugging feels less awkward now. I’m their friend, it’s ok to get hugged. I breathe. With difficulty. Pinkie’s hug is really tight actually! “Uh, Pinkie, could you actually let me go now?”

“Awww! But you’re such a good snuggle toy!”

“Pinkie!”

“Okkkkkkkk, fine~” She says, releasing me.

The others start to walk over, and soon we’re all chatting. And the party starts in earnest. It doesn’t end up being very different from our usual parties, at least not for everypony else. For me, I find myself being much less… guarded. There’s so much I had been stopping myself from expressing.

“I’m sorry my mane is a little disheveled, there was some fuss with my little animal friends before I got here,” Fluttershy says, running a hoof through her mane nervously.

I smile. “Oh! No, Fluttershy. Your mane is always so wonderful and soft! Any mess is just evidence of how hard you work taking care of animals, it just makes you look even nicer!”

Fluttershy blushes, glancing down. “Oh t-thank you Dusk.” The fact that I made Fluttershy blush is kind of mortifying. But she’s my friend, and I like her. I’m not trying to get anything out of her, I’m just telling her what I feel is true. There’s nothing weird about that right?

Luckily for me I’m saved by Rarity, who saunters over with a glass of punch. “Oh I must agree darling, you could be clad in nothing but rags and twigs, and you would still be a vision of inner radiance!”

It was maybe not so lucky for Fluttershy, who just blushed even harder and made an adorable squeaking noise. Poor mare, am I a bad pony for finding that cute too?

The conversations moved on, and minutes turned into hours. Until the sun set and one by one my friends departed, giving their goodbyes and their final congratulations. All but two, the party mistress herself and one Rainbow Dash. Spike went to bed a while ago, and is happily snoozing upstairs.

Pinkie is taking down and storing various decorations from the party. I offered to help, but she declined. That might be for the best though, because I’m not quite sure where she’s putting them after she takes them down.

Rainbow Dash is currently sitting on the other side of the couch from me. I’m turned toward her, showing her the guest book I’d prepared for this party, now sporting signatures and small messages from everypony and dragon except the mares who had yet to depart.

“Wow,” Dash draws out the word, smirking at me, “You are such an egghead. Of course you had to make a book for a party.” I want to rebut, but Rainbow cuts me off. “Hey Pinks! Check it out, Dusk made a guest book for the party. It’s got everypony but us now.” She calls over her shoulder to Pinkie, who’s still bouncing between decorations.

“Oooh! Lemme see!” Pinkie says, plopping down on the seat next to me. That was fine, until she scooted over to get a better look, pressing me in-between Rainbow Dash and her. They’re both so close to me I can barely move without touching even more of my body against theirs. The shimmery fabric of my dress is too sheer to provide any real barrier. I try my best to ignore the feeling of their warmth and their coats brushing against me, so I find myself staring very straight ahead. Pinkie peruses the guest book.

I was going to say something, right? C’mon Dusk, you’re great at t-thinking things! All kinds of really important smart things! “Well. Um,” I say eloquently.

Pinkie shifts, leaning in. “What was that Dusky?”

A shiver passes through my whole body. Our cutie marks are touching. Our cutie marks are touching our cutie marks are touching!! Aaaaaaa!

The flanks of these two mares are pressed against mine and they’re acting so calm! Ok. Ok, I’ve lost my train of thought from earlier, but I’ve got to say something! I guess I could— Ah. “Rainbow Dash, I actually had a question for you.”

“Oh? Sure, I’ll hoof over some of my incredible wisdom,” She says, leaning back in the seat, which puts her face a little further from mine at least.

"Well... why did you start calling me a girl, just like that?" I ask tentatively.

Rainbow responds, grinning. "I thought you were kinda hot, so no way you were cis."

That! That isn’t right at all, oh my goodness! “Rainbow Dash! That is a completely irresponsible way of judging somepony’s gender—

A beat.

“ —Wait, you think I’m hot?” I squawk out, interrupting my own lecture. “But I’m a— But you’re a lesbian!”

“Yeah, and you aren’t exactly a stallion, are ya sparkles?” She says, rubbing a hoof over the sparkly fabric of my dress’s cowl, “No reason lesbians can’t be into enby ponies.”

Pinkie makes a squeeing noise, chiming in from way too close to me “Dashie’s right!” I don’t understand why Pinkie’s so excited by this. Dash means like, theoretically hot, in a friend kind of way! She must! Like the way me and Rarity say Fluttershy is pretty. Because we’re friends! That wouldn’t make any sense! But still, that— Why is she saying that while she’s sitting so close to me? My cheeks are on fire. I can’t seem to look at her, but I also can’t seem to look away. As my blush deepens her smirk grows, until she’s grinning smugly at me. I say, “Is that— Is that really the whole reason?”

“Does it matter? My guess was pretty close!” She says. I suppose it was, but still! Rainbow must’ve seen my frustrated expression and taken pity on me.

"Okay, fine. When we first met, I thought 'oh, who's this twinky little guy?' and when I learned you were just a huge dorky egghead, I figured I should look out for you. You know, take you under my powerful lesbian wing."

I blush furiously. “T-twinky?"

Pinkie throws a hoof around me, putting the mare even closer to me, “You were pretty twinky as a stallion, but I think you’re even cuter now! More you!”

“Yeah.” Rainbow agrees. “Like, you’re way sexier when you stop hiding yourself all the time.” She looks away, seeming like she’s contemplating something. “And, like…” she trails off.

I blink, curious. “Like what…?”

“Nah, nothing.” She grins at me. But now I know she’s hiding something, and not very well, she never does.

“It doesn’t sound like nothing, Rainbow Dash.” I prod.

Pinkie plops her head right on my shoulder, speaking over to Rainbow, “Yeah Dashie~! We embarrassed Dusky enough that fair is fair!”

Wait, they were doing that on purpose? Why— No, not getting distracted right now. Rainbow Dash has always made me want to discover, to see, made me want to pry her open and see what’s inside, and this is that chance. Rainbow is staring at us, like she wasn’t expecting this turn of events. “Rainbow Dash.” I stretch out her name, saying it a little chidingly.

She looks at me strangely, then rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. You kinda reminded me of Fluttershy. Not your personality, you were pretty cool for a nerd or whatever. I mean it felt like you needed somepony by your side.” Her voice gets wistful, unsure. “And that night with the Elements… it was… you were… there was something special about you.” She looks away, blushing. “Or something. I don’t know!”

Something wells up inside me at the sight of her like that. “It sounds like you do know Rainbow Dash. You think I’m special.” My snark turns into something else as it leaves my mouth. With every word her eyes grow wider. I lean in closer, moving into her space this time. “Now what does that mean?”

She stammers, eyes flicking to me and away. “It’s— I— I can’t make the words all pretty like you.”

It’s uncoiling like a snake, in my heart, in my blood. The disgusting part of myself that I keep safely locked away from my friends. But Rainbow Dash looks so vulnerable. And I— I want this, I want her.

I reach out a hoof, it feels like it belongs to somepony else. But at the same time, it feels so real. My hoof reaches under Rainbow’s chin, guiding her head over to look me in the eyes. “I believe in you Rainbow. Say it. I want to hear it.” I can’t believe I’m doing this I cannot believe I’m doing this what’s happening—

Something tense inside Rainbow seems to relax at my touch and command, she makes a little gasping noise. Oh! Oh. Pretty.

She speaks, just barely meeting my eyes, “You know that spark thing you talked about, with the elements. I saw it in you, I felt it. I wanted to be near you, to see that again,” Her voice is soft, almost reverent. Then she blushes furiously and looks away, pulling away from my hoof ”And I don’t get that way about Stallions! So there! That’s why.” She says, crossing her forelimbs firmly and turning away.

The spell is broken.

The hyperreality of the situation fades, and I become self conscious of myself again. Finally looking away from Rainbow Dash, I see Pinkie.

Pinkie’s looking between me and Rainbow like we’re her favorite and most entertaining show, a look of pure delight and glee on her face. She giggles. Why would the way I was talking to Rainbow— I struggle to understand why she found it exciting.

Rainbow Dash takes back my attention, with a question for me this time.

“Why were you so curious about it anyway? Are you that desperate to be my marefriend~?”

“M-marefriend—?” My eyes go very wide.

“Ah sorry, just teasing ya. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna call you a mare if it bothers you.”

“I… I never said it bothered me, per say.”

Rainbow slowly raises an eyebrow. “Does it?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t exactly have a big enough sample size to tell! “ I rub one foreleg with the other. “I don’t exactly get called a mare all the time, you know? That would be a pretty good problem to have!”

Rainbow stares at me with amusement. “Dusk. Is that what this whole fucking conversation has been about? You wanting me to call you a girl again?”

“N-no! That would be silly!” I protest.

Rainbow looks at me, tilts her head in consideration, and then says, “Nah.” The teasing tone is gone. “I don’t think it is silly.” She puts her hoof over mine, and I’m too stunned to do anything. “I think that’s actually a pretty cool and reasonable thing to ask for. An awesome pony like me would make sure you were safe, if you did want that.”

She squeezes my hoof reassuringly. “So, Dusk. Do you want me to call you a mare again?”

Hearing it makes me want to melt, so is that a yes? Do I want that? I want her to keep looking at me like this. I—

“I— well, I mean I don’t think I could! It would be far too soon and a little disrespectful”

“Disrespectful?” Pinkie sounds baffled “Why is that?”

“Well, this is a non-binary coming out party! And well, you know, some ponies view being non-binary as merely a phase, or a transitional stage. I don’t want to abandon what I have and reinforce that stereotype!” I flounder a little, feeling like my explanations are falling short.
“I just. Don’t want to do anything bad.” I sigh.

Pinkie disappears from my side, and springs up from underneath me. “The first thingie is easy! You, know parties are pretty super important—” and squishes my cheeks. “but not nearly as important as the ponies the parties are for!!” She says, and gets up, moving away from the couch and rooting around for something. She finally produces a long cloth from somewhere. She bounces up and pins it directly underneath the main party banner. On the new cloth was a subtitle, which made the full banner now read. “Dusk Is Non-Binary Celebration Party; Now featuring extra fun miscellaneous gender exploration!”

“See! Now it’s official! You’d be doing exactly what the party is for!” Pinkie bounces back to me, smiling. “And the second thingie? Sorry Dusky, but that might be the silliest excuse I’ve heard in a long time! And I know silly! You can’t disrespect your own gender, it’s there to make you happy! Not the other way around! Besides, it’s not like you have to give up being non-binary to try out being a mare!”

“Yeah, c’mon, relax. You’re already wearing a dress, like, right now. It won’t be anything bad, it’s just some words. I heard you like those or something!”

This is— This is really happening, they’re offering it, asking me for it. Oh wow. Right, ok sure. I just have to get my beating heart to understand that it’s just words, terms of gender expression. Because it feels like I’m going to drown in molten honey, sweetness and choking anxiety mixing inside me.

But. I believe my friends. I believe them when they say there isn’t anything to worry about.

“I do. Like words.” I swallow. “Ok. Yes. Uh. P-please try calling me a mare.”

I’m pressed back into the couch and Rainbow is leaning a little bit above me. She looks me in the eyes, really looks at me, and like it’s the most natural thing in the world, says, “Hey girl.”

“Hey.” It comes out as a sharp intake of breath.

“You’re a pretty cute mare, huh?”

Aaaahgh— What? I— that— I—

What comes out my mouth is similarly coherent, somewhere between a sigh and an Eeeep, accompanied by furious blushing. I just— She’s talking about me. She’s talking about me. And she’s looking at me so— Aaah!!

“Wow. Woooowww.” Rainbow Dash is grinning. “That’s really all it takes, huh?” She takes a hoof, and puts it on the side of my head, smiling wickedly at me.

I’m about to ask what she’s doing through the haze of blush but then Rainbow just looks at me and says, “Mare.” I shrink into myself, squeaking and looking away. Except her hoof gently blocks my head from turning, so the result is just me weakly pressing my head into her hoof, trying to dodge her gaze. But she’s so close that nowhere I look is free of those burning magenta eyes.

“R-rainbow Dash!” It sounds whiney even to me.

“What do you mean? I’m just doing what you asked and calling you a mare.” She smirks “Do you want me to stop?”

“No!” I cough. “I mean, uh, not yet.” I’m facing Rainbow on the couch, trying to act casual with my hindlegs curled in front of me.

“Hey Pinkie, you see this mare right here—” Rainbow leans in, putting a hoof down on my chest fluff. “She’s really pretty, huh?”

“She sure is~” Pinkie replies. I meep, leaning back as she leans in. Except in my current state, I failed to register that Pinkie had gotten back onto the couch behind me. So when I lean back, instead of laying back on the couch, I am now laying back on Pinkie pie’s stomach. She’s laying back against the side rest, with my head now on her chest. Oh my goodness she is so soft, oh wow, can I just stay here forever—

Oh Celestia I’m on her stomach my back is touching so much of her! I freeze, waiting for her to tell me to get off.

“Ooooh, Dashie! Look what I found!” She says, wrapping her hooves around me. “Can I keep her?” She makes puppy dog eyes at Dashie, and despite the silliness it makes me blush.

Pinkie is holding me and snuggling me like a large stuffed animal “Pinkie…” I say, squirming a little. “I’m not a pet!”

“Well not with that attitude, you won’t be!” Then Pinkie starts giggling.

Dash chuckles as well, leaning over me, and with that I’m firmly sandwiched between the two mares. I could just move! I could just get up right now and stop this! That’s what I should definitely do, as a responsible friend!

Rainbow smiles at me. “Hey~ Seems like you make a pretty good mare, huh?”

Good… mare? The rest of the sentence evaporates in favor of burning those two words into my mind. I whimper. But not in a bad way— It isn’t like anything I’ve felt before. Rainbow Dash lights up at the noises, spurred on. She reaches down and runs her hoof from my withers around to my neck. And it feels real in a way little has before, it’s like I’m here. Really here. As she does it she says, “Good mare.” and again. ”Good mare.” Each repetition brings a new and interesting noise from me, which just makes the delight on her face grow. While Pinkie’s breath on the back of my neck is making my coat stand on end.

Rainbow Dash is staring down at me, and softens. Instead of her usual teasing expression there’s something else. Something I can’t explain or categorize. She looks at me and says, “Can I kiss you?”

I look around frantically, confused. Dash laughs softly, “Yeah sparkles, I’m talking to you.” She’s looking at me like I’m something precious.

What.

My endocrine system goes into full emergency mode, convinced I’m about to die, or burst into flames. “But Pinkie’s r-right here!”

Pinkie gives me a little squeeze. “Trust me, ol’ Pinkie Pie is fine with it~”

This doesn’t make any sense. “Wha— Why?” I ask Rainbow.

She puts her hooves on either side of my head. “Because you’re beautiful,” She says simply.

”I— Aah— Yes!" I squeak, then softer, “Yes."

Dash leans closer than my mind can comprehend. My heart is beating. I feel Rainbow's thighs on top of me, lean and solid, while Pinkie's thighs cradle me from below, soft and warm, and the gentle pulse of her breathing, and I feel the frizzy hair pushing up around my shoulders, and the tickle of feathers as Rainbow Dash's body closes with mine, and hooves cradling my head, and I feel—

—Lips on mine. A tingle of electricity—

—And that's... about it, actually. I had expected the kiss part, our lips touching, to be what felt good. That is nice, I mean Celestia I can taste her. But what's intoxicating is Rainbow Dash being as close as she possibly can. Feeling her against me, all around me. I want her, more of her. I press myself against her needily.

Then all too soon, we pull apart, both of us panting. My ego is hazy, forgotten in sensation and body and emotion. I expect the need to be assuaged. But it's still there, unable to be hidden once revealed, a facade shattered. I want her just as bad, I want all of her, I want her to consume me.

"Wow. You look pretty out of it." She grins between breaths. "I mean, I am pretty great.”

If she had asked this— If any of this had happened a few months ago, I would have shut it down immediately. The idea of being some stallion chasing after mares made me sick to my stomach. Romancing one of my friends, being their coltfriend… it was just… icky! It felt invasive and ugly and— it was impossible to imagine myself in that role.

But Rainbow wasn’t asking to kiss Dusk the stallion, or even Dusk the agender pony. She was asking to kiss Dusk the mare. The idea of being with one of my friends as a mare… it was entirely different. It sounded nice. Really nice. Really really nice.

"You are..." I say, staring at her with wide eyes, "Could we. Do that more?"

In response, she leans down and kisses me, off center on the side of my mouth, nipping lightly. I gasp, and she moves over, planting another square on my mouth, pressing it in gently. Tingles run through my body, and these kisses are just as real. This is happening.

I hear squeeing, and realize it's coming from Pinkie, I half turn my head and she giggles excitedly, "Awww! Now I want to kiss the cute mare too!!" She nuzzles at me from behind. "Cutie mare, can I kiss you too?"

That is finally outrageous enough to pull my head out of the haze of bodies and sensation. “W-what!?”

But the scary thing is that I want to. I want her too. So bad. I want— all of it. All of the love they could possibly give. Any of them, all of them. I would take it all in like a black hole, and still want more. What’s— What’s... wrong with me?

But they’re the ones asking this of me, so it’s ok, right? I’m not seducing them, or taking advantage of them. Who knows when I’d ever get this chance again? And just like that, the balance of the scale tips, leaning towards desire.

“I— Yes. Kiss me.” My muzzle says airily. Is this— lust? My mind notes with a hint of disgust.

That’s washed aside when Pinkie kisses me. She kisses me on the cheek, and at first I think it’s going to be a little more chaste than Rainbow’s. Then Pinkie kisses me again, lower this time. Then lower, right on the curve of my jaw. My head rears back to give her access, and the next kiss is planted on the underside of my muzzle. Her muzzle slides right into the crook of my neck, planting a kiss and then trailing them all the way down my neck.

My back arches, electric, held down only by these two mares. “AAaaa!” I whimper, breathing hard. Pinkie’s kisses just keep meandering, not letting up, exploring me.

Rainbow presses her muzzle close over mine, nuzzling into me, her hoof wraps around my barrel. She whispers directly into my ear, “So soft, such a pretty mare.” She presses her hoof into my back, pressing us close together. “You’re good, aren’t you? So good. Do you want to be our good mare?”

“Yes— Yes yes yes—” I murmur. “Yes please, please.” Her wings drape around me and Pinkie. And they’re so close, they’re giving so much to me, and I love them I love them I love them. I’m— I’m their good mare. I— I— A flustered needy noise bubbles up my throat.

Except what comes out is a sob, a wracking choking thing. It takes me, and the two mares, by surprise. Rainbow Dash pulls back, worried. “Hey, you ok?”

It takes me a moment to put the words together, thrown off by suddenly having to fight through tears. “I d-don’t know!”

Dash’s hoof is a gentle reassurance on my side now. Pinkie scoots back, until she’s out from under me, holding me loosely from behind. She speaks softly, “Hey, hey, it’s ok. Is something wrong? Did we do something you didn’t like?”

“No!” I try to say it definitively, but it comes out as a squawk. “No, it’s good!” I falter into tears. “It’s too good, It’s too much, I can’t— I—“ I squeeze my eyes shut. I love this, I love them. But it’s like a dam broke in my chest, and now I’m feeling it all at once. My brain is still telling me I can’t have this. I finally let go, and now all that tension I’d been holding inside had to find it’s way out. “I don’t want to stop— But— It’s too much.” My voice warbles, “S-sorry.“

Pinkie pats me gently. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, silly filly.”

“Yeah, I’m glad you told us how you feel. We’ll cool it off for a bit.” Rainbow Dash says, “Do ya still wanna keep cuddling?”

I nod, holding onto her, tears prickling my eyes. The two mares adjust so I can lean back comfortably, held loosely between them. Rainbow Dash has a soft wing around me, while Pinkie is slowly rubbing my foreleg. My friends have comforted me before, but this still feels a little new. It’s comfy though, even through my overwhelm they make me feel safe. They bear it out as I cry with shaky breaths, a tremor in my gut and in my spine. And they’re still here, protecting me.

When the tears have slowed and my breathing is almost back in focus, Rainbow’s voice cuts into the comfortable silence, “So, do you like, know if it was the kissing that did it, or calling you a mare, or what?”

“That’s… a good question.” I look down, contemplating. “Both, maybe?” I take a deep breath. “It was so many things I hadn’t… allowed myself to want, happening all at once.”

Rainbow smiles at me, and her eyes are hopeful. “Does that mean you liked us calling you a mare?”

A part of me wants to back off, but the warmth of being in their arms is more convincing. “I… I loved it.” Then I wince. “But I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if it means I’m a…” I swallow. “A mare. Or if it just means I liked being called a mare while ponies are… k-kissing me.” I look up at her. “You’re a lesbian. Won’t you be… disappointed, if I’m not a mare?”

“I mean, I don’t really know what means what with your gender, that’s the kinda thing you should talk to Shy about.” She smirks. “But what I do know is cute enbies are definitely on my smooch list. I like you for who you are, not what you are. And you’re cute, and I like you. So there!” she says triumphantly. I can’t help but smile.

Then another thought crosses my mind, and my smile simmers. “Does... does this mean we’re not friends anymore?” I ask, anxiety creeping into my voice, "Because we, you know. Kissed."

Rainbow Dash looks at me, clearly holding something back. Then a chortle bursts out of her as she attempts to cover her mouth.

My fear turns to indignation. "Rainbow Dash! This is serious!"

"Sorry, sorry!" She squeaks out between wheezing laughter, "I know! I just can't get over how innocent you can be." The laughter starts to pitter out, enough for her to keep a straight face. Her voice is more sincere, putting a hoof on my shoulder, "Hey, of course we're still friends!"

"But— Friends don't kiss! Not like... that."

"Sure they do!" Pinkie says enthusiastically, "I do it all the time!"

I stare, feeling vertigo. "You do?"

Pinkie nods. "Friends can kiss each other, Dusky!"

"You... " My eyes are the size of dinner plates. I speak with awe, "... you can kiss your friends?" My voice pitches up, on the verge of yelling, "That's allowed?!"

"Of course you silly filly, as long as both ponies want to!" She giggles, "For me, it's just another way of having fun with my friends! If I like them, and it feels nice, why wouldn't I?"

I continue staring at her, eyes sparkling.

Dash puts a foreleg around my shoulders. "Keep in mind here, Pinkie has a pretty relaxed view on messing around with other ponies. Lots of ponies have the same stuffy ideas about relationships you do, Sparkles. Pinkie Pie's thing is like, a thing. Right?"

"The relationship anarchy thingie, or the polyamory thingie?" Pinkie asks.

"Yeah that." Rainbow Dash waves a hoof.

"That's— a whole lot of terms I'm going to have to research." I say, stunned. I'd heard of polyamory, but didn't really know about it. But now Pinkie's given me a direction I can look in.

"Don't worry! I'll teach you all about ‘em~!"

"Will..." I blush. "Will those lessons involve more... kissing?"

"Well, if you want extra credit..." Pinkie says, waggling her eyebrows.

I can't help but giggle. Pinkie and me are... doing things, but it's still just the same old Pinkie. The one who's silly and friendly and makes me laugh. Maybe things don't have to change. Not in a bad way.

I turn to the pegasus draped over the sofa. "Are you... the same way Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow shrugs. "Eh, you know. I guess I kinda just do what feels right." She smirks. "And kissing you felt right."

I look away, unable to keep from smiling.

"We don't have to make a big deal out of it or anything," she says, with too much nonchalance, "Unless you just can't resist me, egghead." She postures.

"I— I don't know what it would be." I look away. "And I don't want to hurt you. But..." I reach and put my hoof over hers. "But I'd like to have... something with you."

Rainbow freezes, and then slowly relaxes. "Uh. Yeah. That'd be pretty cool."

"Cool." I say, smiling softly. Then, unable to resist, I reach out and wrap my hooves around her, nuzzling my head up against her. She squawks in surprise, and I make a rumbling noise into her side. Then a smile spreads across her muzzle, and she wraps her hooves around me as well. I hear a soft giggle that must be Pinkie, before her hoof starts stroking my mane. I sigh, tension running out of me as my… friends? Take care of me. And for a while, the world is right.

Chapter 7

View Online

The sun is starting to pass it’s midpoint, and I’m sitting across from Fluttershy at her backyard table. Rarity just left with Cutie Mark Crusaders in tow, having finally finished her massive order of capes. I’m sitting back rubbing my neck with a hoof. My body still doesn’t feel quite right after having been turned to stone last night, by what turned out to be a cockatrice. My letter to the princess is safely stowed away, and my cup of tea is sitting empty. If there was a time to take my leave, this would be it. I rest my hoof for a moment on the carrying case I’d brought with me.

“Fluttershy, would it be ok if I stayed a little longer to talk?”

“Oh, of course Dusk! You’re always welcome here,” Fluttershy says, smiling her sunshine smile at me.

I fiddle with my hair clip, which has become a new habit of mine. My hair is done up in a bun, and I’m wearing the small amount of makeup I’m comfortable recreating from Rarity’s teachings. “I wanted to talk to you about gender stuff…” I’ve done it enough now that I don’t stumble over the words, but discussing it with Fluttershy still makes me a little nervous.

“Oh? Go ahead,” She says.

Alright me, time to ask this question! There’s no beating around the bush, or weird diversions, or blatant avoidance. It’s structurally pretty simple! To the point where it almost feels a little foalish. I ask, “Do you think I should be a mare?”

“Oh!” Fluttershy stares at me wide eyed for a moment. “Well, that isn’t really a question I can answer, Dusk. That’s something you have to decide for yourself.”

I press my lips together and hum, before speaking, “I— Look. I know you girls helping me realize this stuff has been like herding cats.” I look to the side, still a little embarrassed. “I don’t lack self awareness of the fact that I’ve been in denial about some things. And frankly I’m getting annoyed at myself. So I’m here to have a straightforward conversation about it.”

Fluttershy says, “I know it isn’t the answer you want, but that still doesn’t mean I can know you better than you know yourself. You could talk about some of your feelings about it and—”

I raise a hoof to cut her off. “No. I know that. I know. But I just really really want your most personal, most biased opinion on it!”

She twiddles her hooves nervously. “Well, I don’t know about that, I try not to have too many of those, especially not about my friends’ personal lives.”

I back off a little, leaning back again. Fluttershy may be able to stare down a cockatrice, but she’s still Fluttershy, I almost lost sight of that in my haste. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just…” I look at her, meeting her soft gaze. “It’s just that you’re the only trans mare I’m close with. I want to hear what your experience tells you about me, without any varnishing, and without worrying about influencing me.” I hold up my hooves reassuringly. “And I promise I won’t freak out about it, or latch onto what you tell me blindly.” I sigh. “But I think hearing it would really help me sort through my own thoughts…”

Looking at her, her expression slowly rises from trepidation to furrowed caution. “And you’re sure you want to hear it?”

I stop myself from visibly gulping, not wanting to scare her off. “Absolutely! It would mean a lot to me.”
“Well if you really want to know…” Fluttershy looks down and sighs, then takes a deep breath and looks back up at me. “You should’ve just let yourself be a mare that first day you talked to us!” She belts out loudly, relative to how quiet she usually is, “I didn’t want to rush you, and you clearly weren’t ready, but seeing you like that was so frustrating!” she squeaks angrily, “I just wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you! You wanted to be a mare so bad! You are a mare!”

Fluttershy breathes heavy for a moment, before covering her mouth with her hooves. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say so much” She looks away. “I know how upset you got when Rainbow told you you were a mare…”

“No, it’s fine.” I tap the table absentmindedly, looking at her with a mostly blank expression. “I needed to hear that.”

Fluttershy’s face slowly emerges out from behind her hooves, looking at me with cautious relief. “Are you… ok?”

I snap out of my momentary stupor, willing an answer to appear for her. Instead, I close my mouth and drag my hooves down across my face. “I… Uh…”

‘You are a mare!’

Come on, I promised Fluttershy I wouldn’t freak out! Does it count if my brain just stops working? I sort of knew she would say that, but it still doesn’t make any sense.

Dash’s voice echoes in my head. ‘Good mare.’

I slap my hooves down onto the table, steadying myself. “I’m not upset, don’t worry.” I finally reassure Fluttershy, “I just… I don’t understand.” I look at her searchingly. “…How can you think I would make a good mare?” I point a hoof towards her. “Just look at you! You’re beautiful, and soft, and graceful and— and kind. You’re wonderful.” I retract the hoof in front of me. “And me? I’m an irritable sarcastic bookworm, who knows more about magic than actually being a pony. How could I ever live up to being what you are?”

“There’s nothing you have to live up to!” Fluttershy’s hooves reach across the table onto mine.

“But— What if I’m bad at it?” My eyes are wet as I meet her gaze “What if I don’t do a good job and— and ponies don’t like me anymore? I failed at being a stallion, what if I fail at t-this too?”

Her hooves pull back from mine slightly. “Oh Dusk, don’t you realize I’ve had all those same fears?” She looks me in the eyes, needing me to understand. “Why do you think I learned to be so quiet? Colts were loud, so I had to… not be” Her eyes are filled with a quiet desperation. “Whenever I speak up, I still get afraid I’ll end up butting into the conversation like some loud annoying colt!” Wetness pools at the edges of her eyes. “Do you think I feel like I’m ‘good’ at being a mare?”

My ears fold back, guilt and frustration burning in my gut. But more than that, I want to show her how I see her, that she doesn’t have to be afraid. I reach out and grab her hooves in mine, getting her to look at me. “Fluttershy, nothing you do could make you a bad mare in my eyes, or any of our friends. Everything you do is mare-like, because you are a mare, and you’re the one doing it! The only thing you need to do is keep being yourself, because you’re already one of the most amazing mares I know.”

Her eyes are obscured by her mane. “But it… It terrifies me, knowing you think I’m some… perfect trans mare role model. But I’m not! I’ll make mistakes, and I’ll let you down!”

I brush the hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “I know you aren’t perfect. I don’t want you to be. But you could never fail at being your gender. That’s—” I pause. “That’s not how gender works…” I say, trailing my words with a look of realization.

Fluttershy tears finally fall, but she isn’t sobbing, tears are just flowing from her eyes in a gentle release of emotion.“And this— Isn’t really how I imagined this conversation going. But that’s exactly it.” She smiles at me, a little triumphant through the tears. “It’s like you think there’s some magical spark inside me that makes me a true mare, and you not. But there isn’t. I’m just a pony trying to be happy with who I am, who gets scared and confused. I’m the same as you.”

“I…”

“You need to start giving yourself the same kindness you just gave to me.” She grabs back onto my hooves as they hold hers. “You deserve it too, just the same.”

That can’t be right. I’m different. That’s different! Trying to put me and Fluttershy in the same set produces a category sorting error in my brain. But disregarding her statement produces a different error. How can I claim Fluttershy is somehow better than me, when she herself claims she’s isn’t? So even if my gut is telling me Fluttershy is wrong, that reaction isn’t based in reason. This fear is… just fear.

I want to listen to my friend. I mean she would know about kindness right? But I don’t…
know how. “I— I believe all the things I said to you, but why does it feel like it’s different for myself?”

”I know. Even though I know my fears aren’t true, it’s so hard to believe that sometimes. Being kind to yourself is a skill, believe me.” She wipes away tears from her eyes. “It can be hard to remember it, and that’s why we have ponies who care about us to remind us of it. Like all you girls do for me, and like we’ll all do for you.”

All you girls? It didn’t seem like she was making a point, it was a slip of the tongue. Like she really just… sees me as a girl.

“So… I should just… let myself be a mare?” I say, softly.

“Do you want to be one?” She says, but the smile on her lips tells me the question is basically rhetorical. I don’t know how to feel about that.

Wait, actually I do. Good.

“Yes, I want to be a mare.” I whisper. It’s the first time I’ve ever said that out loud.

“Then you should.” She replies.

I look down at my hooves, a feeling of vertigo overtaking me.

“Ok.” I say.

Then I burst into tears.

It feels like Fluttershy is at my side in an instant. Her hooves wrap around me and I latch on greedily. Let her softness envelop and comfort me.

The emotions wracking sobs out of me are not acutely painful. It’s more like the aftershocks of a hundred tremors, both good and bad, sneaking into my ribcage all at once and shaking it apart. A trembling but inescapable undoing. My magic buzzes underneath my skin like an ocean of static.

“I— I’m a mare?” I wheeze.

“Mhmm.” Fluttershy hums into me.

“Oh.” I cry, “Oh. I—” My ragged breathing cuts me off. My uneven spasms of breath hitch up and down. I try to wait for the calms in between those peaks, when my lungs still do as I say. After several false starts, I get something to trip off my tongue.

“I-I’m a mare.” A choking breath and new wave of tears follow the statement. I hold on tighter to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy strokes my mane, making affirming noises.

“Wow. Wow wow wow. Oh my goodness. Oh stars.” The nervous excitement flows out from me all at once. “I’m really doing this.” I breathe out. “Right now, I’m a mare” The idea makes me shiver, and I continue shivering. “I— Fluttershy.” I whimper her name, not sure what I’m trying to say.

But she seems to understand, just squeezing me softly. “Mmm, I’m here.”

I lean into that embrace. The stale fear taking up space inside me trickling out between sobs. The absence of it feels unnerving in its own way. So I just sit there, breathing like I’m trying to fill lungs that are suddenly three times as big.

Under that patient care, my breath slowly finds me again, it curls inside me newly, but not unkindly. I count my breaths by Fluttershy’s, until mine seem to match. Tears still flow, but the feeling of release comes with them. Until my eyes burn, and my coat feels matted from the wetness. I try not to think about how with my muzzle buried in her shoulders, I’m getting my tears and sniffly nose all over Fluttershy.

“I’m sorry for all this, I promised not to freak out.” I chuckle weakly.

“Oh no, I told you you could always talk to me, and you did exactly the right thing.” She pats my head for good measure. “I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now, knowing I was here to see you discover something so wonderful about yourself!”

“Oh. Fluttershy!” I squeeze her tighter. “Thank you. You’re such a good friend! I love you Fluttershy!”

“I love you too.” She says, softly, stroking my mane.

I’m stunned I said that out loud. Her response makes me wonder if Fluttershy wants to be friends in the way me and Rainbow are. I shake that thought off, not now.

We sit there like that until I pull away, sniffling one last time. It’s hard to believe I’m sitting next to Fluttershy and just… being a mare. “Well, I’m really glad that’s resolved! Oh wow.” This outcome changes a lot of things. Glancing toward the large carrying case stowed underneath the table, I pull it onto the table. "In that case! I prepared some materials in advance, just in case. So we can start workshopping right away!"

"W-workshopping?" Fluttershy looks a little whiplashed.

"For my new name, of course!" I say, starting to spread out the folders inside. "This is a complete list of synonyms for both of my names. You'll have to forgive me, some of these aren't, y'know, true synonyms." I say conspiratorially, "But I figured a wider range of material would be helpful!" I straighten out another file. "Let's see, ah! These are citations for my favorite poetic allusions to my namesakes in classic and modern works—"

“Um." Fluttershy says, "Forgive me for speculating. But It seems like you might've possibly been a lot more certain about this than you let on."

“Not certain! But, you know… prepared! Just in case!” I elaborate, “I’ve been thinking about names for a while, and how I would improve mine.”

“It wasn’t meant to be an accusation. I’m glad you’ve been thinking about it, hehe!” She prods at one of the documents, pulling it closer for reading.

I feel a little giddy watching her eyes scan the page, I didn’t quite believe I’d really be using this research.

She looks up at me. “Just to clarify, we’re looking for more traditionally feminine names right? Now that you’re a mare and not agender?”

“I—” I pause. “I was actually thinking of being a mare and agender.”

Fluttershy stares at me a little and blinks.

I give a self abasing grin, eyes looking down. “Sorry. Am I being silly and in denial again? I should just— be a mare all the way. Right?”

“Oh no! That’s not what I think at all! I’m so sorry for assuming.” Fluttershy amends, looking concerned. “I’m interested to learn about it! Our gender experiences seem pretty similar, but being an Agender Mare isn’t something I know first hoof.”

“Oh! Well! The way it feels to me is...” some of the nervous excitement creeps back into my voice, “Some part of me really likes being just a pony, without needing a specific gender to define every bit of me. But I also really like being a mare, it’s important to me. Obviously.” I gesture to the coat around my eyes that’s still matted from my previous tears. “Being a mare feels… completing. But having to think of myself as one hundred percent a mare at all times is kind of claustrophobic. So why not be agender too?” I scratch the back of my neck with a hoof. “It seems contradictory, but Pinkie told me it’s something plenty of trans ponies do. Being an Agender Mare means I don’t have to give up either part of myself! I can be everything I want instead of just a fraction,” I ask, “ If that makes sense?””

You want to have it all. Still greedy, I think. But I brush that thought away.

“That makes lovely sense to me.” Fluttershy smiles. “But more importantly, hearing you speak about it, it seems like it makes you happy!”

I smile back, relieved. “It does, I think. It feels right.”

“Then that’s perfect.” She beams. “What does that mean for your name then?”

“Well, I really just care about the name being… cute.” Briefly covering my face with a hoof I say, “But I’m self aware enough to know the things I think are cute tend to be… pretty girly.” I look at her nervously.

“Then you’ve got it.” Fluttershy agrees, before starting to read from the first page of my documents. “Nightfall. Hmm, interesting.”

I blush slightly. “That was the name of one of my original role playing characters. She was a very powerful and mysterious sorceress!” I look down. ”But… I was also very much a tween when I came up with that.” I fail to mention that the characters’ full name was Nightfall Oblivion Andromeda. “I’m not really sure I could pull off being a nightfall, but I think it’s kinda pretty.”

“It is!” Fluttershy agrees, then her eyes land on something else. “Penumbra. That’s a lovely name!”

“Oh! Yeah. That one’s really beautiful,” I say, a little dreamily, “It’s a little stuffy, but well, I’m a little stuffy too.”

“Only a little.” Fluttershy giggles.

Then she stops, and points to another one of the circled names. “Twilight,” Fluttershy reads it aloud, “That’s your mothers first name, isn’t it?”

I blush a little. “I know it’s a little odd, but she started it,” I say, “Dusk is a masculinized version of her own name.” My gaze wanders. “If I’d been born a mare, I’d have been a Twilight too. So if I’m a mare now…” I trail off, conclusion obvious. “But it seems strange to get a chance to totally rename yourself, and just end up going with something your parents would’ve picked! I don’t know, Twilight Shine sounds off to me.”

“Well, if it’s something your parents would have named you, I don’t think keeping that connection to your family is strange at all! And if you want to keep your name having two parts, then you still have a whole second word to work with.” Fluttershy reminds me.

“That is true...” I trail off, “Ok. How about we go with Twilight as the first name for now, and come up with some last names? That might help me decide, since Penumbra and Twilight are my favorites so far.”

“We can do that! Let’s see...” She peers at the paper. “Ooh! Twilight Glimmer! That’s fun!”

“Eh.” I wave a hoof.

“Or how about Twilight… coruscate?”

I giggle. “I like that one!” Then I look to the side. ”But hearing it out loud, it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.”

Fluttershy makes hums for a moment, then latches onto something. “What’s this over here in the margins? ‘Sparkles?’”

I blush at hearing that. “Oh! That’s more of a note to self…”

“Oh? Were you considering it?” she asks.

My blush deepens and I sink into my seat. “I don’t know about that… It’s something that Rainbow Dash calls me.”

She looks at me, my gaze squirms out of the way of hers. “Hmm!” She tilts her head slightly. “Well, that’s the strongest reaction I’ve seen so far. And it is a synonym of Shine.”

“I just— It makes me feel cute. But maybe that’s because of the context.”

“Context?” Fluttershy asks.

I very casually stamp my hoof down onto the table. “Uh... never mind that! Doesn’t matter! it’s just a—“ pet name. “— nickname!”

“Oh, I guess so.” Fluttershy says, then raises her hoof again, “What about without the s? Just Sparkle.”

“Oh.” I pause, letting out a little snort. “Huh.” It does fit with the naming scheme. So then I’d be Twilight Sparkle.

A shiver runs all the way up and down my spine. Something stirs behind my eyes, and in my heart. Flashes of crumbling stone, five stone orbs waiting for their sixth, their spark. The Spark.

Twilight Sparkle.

Huh.

That… that would certainly be some name, haha! It sounds… really nice actually!

“Twilight Sparkle…” I say, experimentally, feeling how it jump off my lips.

“Mm! That one’s good!” She looks back down at the paper. “What about Twilight Dazzl—” She pauses mid-sentence, looking back up at me and my expression. “Oh wait! Does that one speak to you?”

I glance down at my papers uncertainly. “It’s too soon to make a choice, right? I should look over my research and make sure that’s really the best option.” But as I say it, the idea of a name that isn’t Twilight Sparkle seems… disappointing. The thorn of anxiety in my gut tells me I should search more, or I might regret it.

Fluttershy says, “Of course! Go at whatever speed feels right.” She taps a hoof at her chin. “I certainly didn’t figure out my name in the first day of talking it through!” She looks down. “Then again, I also wasn’t this prepared.” She chuckles lightly.

I try to go back to my search, but it’s hard to keep my mind on anything but Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle.

It sounds like… it sounds like the kind of name she would have, that hypothetical mare in my head. But I feel almost too small for it. Could I really just reach out and… take it? I— I—

No. You know what? If there’s anything I should be able to choose about myself, it’s my name.

I can have it. Literally who could stop me? Wishing to have a name is exactly the reason to pick that name! I’ve been around this block long enough to have this mental pattern figured out, that instinctive denial is familiar by now. I’m not letting it stop me now, if I want to be Twilight Sparkle, I can just go out and be her!

I take a breath. “I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

Fluttershy freezes, stopping the ruffling of papers, and looks at me.

A grin starts to break out on my face. I feel giddy, like I’m Promaretheus stealing fire to give to pony kind.

“I’ve decided… my name is Twilight Sparkle!”

Fluttershy gasps, smiling back. “Oh, that’s lovely Twilight!

It takes my brain a moment to connect that she’s referring to me when she says ‘Twilight.’
I— I just get to be called Twilight now! I can keep getting called that, every day, forever. Yes. Yes! Yes yes yes! “Eeeeeeee!” I stand up, clapping my hooves together excitedly. “Twilight. Sparkle. I’m Twilight Sparkle now! I’m Twilight!!”

Fluttershy says, beaming and putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Congratulations Twilight Sparkle.”

“Thank you!” I humm delightedly in response, and do a happy little dance, before finally settling back down. “This opens up so many possibilities!”

“I can imagine!” Fluttershy says softly.

I tap my chin with a hoof. “And there is one more thing I could use your advice on. If you’re not sick of talking about trans stuff by now, that is!”

“This is a very special time for you, you deserve the attention.” Fluttershy says, making me blush faintly, “How can I help?”

“Well.” I look around. “I had some questions about the medical side of transition, if you’re comfortable talking about it.”

“Oh! I see!” She says, caught off guard a little. She twiddles her hooves for a moment, biting her lip, then says, “Well, if it’s you I suppose I don’t mind talking about.”

“Thank you again,” I say, keenly aware of how much Fluttershy has given to me this afternoon. “So... I’d been thinking about going on hormones even before today’s outcome. It’s just… all the physical changes are things I want. Being softer and curvier sounds really really nice. And the more psychological effects… I don’t know what would happen with those, but unless you get some bad side effects, it seems like those are positive or even just neutral. What was it like for you?”

“Well, it was a little scary for me at first, but I’m very happy with all the changes.” Fluttershy says, looking down at her hooves, brows furrowing. “I think I’ve ended up looking pretty feminine. I look ok at least, I think.”

“Fluttershy. You’re gorgeous.” I say, eyes wide. I don’t even feel self conscious about saying that, because it’s so obviously apparent.

“Oh.” She dodges my gaze, blushing. “I’m glad you think so.” She clears her throat, and goes on. “With the mental effects, it’s honestly very hard to tell what’s the hormones and what’s just the result of me becoming happier with myself. But lots of trans mares feel more like themselves with the right hormones, and I know it’s that way for me too.”

“I… thanks. I was already leaning towards hormone replacement therapy, but it helps to hear about it from a friend.”

“Of course!” Fluttershy says.

“I also know… there are a lot of things that hormones can’t change,” I say.

Fluttershy nods understandingly. “There are.”

“And...” I put my hooves over my face. “Oh stars. This next question is the first thing they tell you about how not to treat trans ponies! You’re not supposed to ask about their, well...”

“You’re wondering about bottom surgery?” Fluttershy says, a little more matter of factly than I expected.

I nod hesitantly.

“Well, it’s different when you're trans too, and asking for yourself! I’d rather not go into that much detail. But my surgery was only about a year before you moved to ponyville, and I’m very happy with the results, I had a lot of genital dysphoria… Were you considering it?”

“I… really really don’t know. Which is why I brought it up.” I shift uncomfortably. “I’ve been so out of touch with my body for so long I have no clue how I feel about… down there.” I wince. “Is that normal?”

Fluttershy nods somberly. “Very much so. Even I wasn’t sure at first. But the closer the rest of me got to how I wanted, the clearer my feelings got.” She smiles encouragingly. “You have plenty of time to figure that out, plenty of trans mares aren’t interested in bottom surgery.”

“And there are probably more immediate questions, huh? There are other things that can do what hormones can’t.” I tap my hooves excitedly. “I’ve been looking into biological aura transmutation treatment too…”

“Oh, you mean BATTs?” Fluttershy says, pronouncing the acronym phonetically, “I’m sorry, I don’t have much experience there. I started hormones early enough in puberty that I didn’t really need any of those.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” My ears droop a little. But my expression lifts a little when I force myself to focus on the magic. “It’s gotten really advanced in the last few decades! They can use magic to convince parts of your body to change themselves. And with enough treatments, it’ll become your body’s new normal, resulting in permanent changes!” I sigh dreamily. “If there were a one step gender reversal spell, that’d be convenient. But what we have instead is so much more practical and fascinating!”

I give a little laugh. “Honestly, even besides the results. The idea of using magic to permanently alter my own body is very appealing! It’s a new kind of spellcraft to engage with!”

Fluttershy gives a little gasp. “Twilight! You aren’t going to try those spells on yourself, are you? I know you’re very good at magic, but those treatments are only done by specialized experts for a reason!”

I put my hooves up defensively. “I— Not recklessly! Believe me, I know how wrong medical magic can go. Messing with cells is tricky, a healing spell is only a few decimal points away from being a cancer spell. I’m very intent on not horribly mutating myself, thank you.”

Fluttershy’s calms down, hearing my explanation, and gives a little frown. “Sorry, I was a little forceful there. I just want you to be safe.”

“It’s ok, I know you do. I’m really glad I have you looking out for me.” I smile. “I would make sure I could do it safely before I did anything. Besides, that’s a good while off. I haven’t decided which BATTs treatments I’d get, and I’d probably want to see how hormones go before I get into that. It’s just that the idea of changing myself is just… very exciting!”

“I know it is, believe me.” Fluttershy says, excitement simmering beneath her quiet smile in mirror with mine, “I think you’ll really love it. You’ll get there, I know you will.”

Her hoof rests comfortably on my shoulder. Somehow this shy mare makes imaginary mare in my head seem a little less out of reach.

“I hope so!” I say, “I really do.”

Chapter 8

View Online

It’d been a few weeks since my conversation with Fluttershy, and since coming out to myself. Since then, I’d managed to come out to all my other friends as an agender trans mare. Some were surprised, others not so much. But they all reacted well. Even though it made me feel indecisive to flip flop like this In some ways it was easier coming out again, since they already knew I was trans.

Since I’d talked to Fluttershy, I’d also done more of my own research into medical transition. But something was making me hesitant to take the next step.

I only realized why after a certain three fillies practically ambushed me while I was on the way to lunch with my friends, and demanded my cutie mark story.

I knew where I was going to get my hormone prescription. I knew the specialists I wanted to see about the medical transfiguration treatments. But if I did any of those things, put this out into the world officially. She would know. There isn’t a logical reason, really. Celestia doesn’t snoop around my personal medical records. But it still feels like somehow she would find out. Somepony would gossip, some aide would send her a memo. And then she would know, and I wouldn’t be the one to tell her.

I tried to put that worry out of my mind as I met up with my friends.

The six of us ended up sitting around a table in Sugarcube corner. Being surrounded by my friends is always nice, and now it’s even nicer. Pinkie and Fluttershy sit on either side of me, more closely packed than I would’ve been comfortable with before. But now it felt almost normal.

We chatted about the three fillies who had caught up to each of us previously and demanded cutie mark stories, talking and joking.

Until those same fillies burst in. And Rainbow Dash headed for the door expectantly.

The five of us watched from the sidelines as Rainbow told the story of that fateful race. One that I had never heard before. My eyes were almost as wide as the crusaders when it was finished.

“And that, little ones, is how you earn a cutie mark.”

“Wooooaaaahhhhh…” Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom all exclaim in awe, “Thanks for the story Rainbow Dash!”

Scootaloo turns to the other two. “Now we just need to try cloud racing!”

Applebloom raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’ll exactly work.”

“We’ll improvise! Come on!” Scootaloo turns, and the others follow, making their way out of Sugarcube Corner. The three fillies practically leave a dust trail in their wake. We share a little laugh for a moment at the exuberant fillies.

Then a contemplative expression dawns on Fluttershy’s face. She gets up from the table, working her way toward Rainbow Dash, until she finally speaks up, “Wait a second. I heard that explosion. And I saw the rainbow too. Rainbow Dash, if you hadn't scared the animals, I never would have learned I could communicate with them and gotten my cutie mark.”

Pinkie chimes in, bouncing out of her seat as well, “I heard that boom! And right afterwards, there was this amazing rainbow that taught me to smile.”

“When I got my cutie mark, I saw a rainbow that pointed me home. I bet it was your sonic rainboom!” Applejack says.

Rarity blinks, speaking up, “There was an explosion I could never explain when I got my cutie mark.”

And then they’re all up, pressing in around Rainbow Dash, eager to share their discoveries. Rainbow is surprised, but is far from bothered by the attention.

I blink, listening to each of my friends, and thinking back to my own past. That can’t be… I remember that same Rainbow light. The day of the entrance exam, It saved me.

I finally rise as well, stopping a good few steps away from the group. It takes a moment for me to realize I’m doing it. I normally set myself a step apart from them, it’s reflexive. And I’ve been trying— No, I’ve decided I’m not going to do it anymore. Because I don’t have to. And that reality never fails to put a nervous grin on my muzzle. It feels forbidden, just to take that one step closer. But I do.

And my friends part seamlessly to let me in, like I had always belonged here. My stomach fizzles with butterflies.

They turn to look at me and I speak up. “This is uncanny! There was an explosion, if it hadn’t happened when it did, I would have blown my entrance exam.” My eyes are wide. “Rainbow Dash... I think you helped me earn my cutie mark too!”

Pinkie hears me and gasps, turning to Rainbow. “We all owe our cutie marks to you!“

“We all got our cutie marks at the same time, all because of Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy wonders from beside me, “It’s like we were all connected, even before we met!”

“I’m glad and all, that you’re realizing that I’m basically the most important pony in Equestria,” Rainbow says. I see AJ roll her eyes in my peripherals. Rainbow turns to Fluttershy. “But aren’t we like, already connected? Elements of Harmony and all that jazz?”

Rarity titters, I see her behind Fluttershy through a pink curtain. “It’s an entirely different matter! That old prophecy didn’t say anything about us, I like to think we earned our spots.” She clasps her hooves together, tilting her head dreamily. “But this? It’s so romantic! Six friends, bound across time and space to one day come together and save Equestria! Oh I do so like that, our own little fairy tale!”

“Eeee!!” Pinkie bounces in place. “I always had five superrific friends, even before I knew I did!”

Fluttershy speaks up, “I’m just happy it meant that we all found each other…”

“And I don’t know about all this destiny hoopla, but I reckon I wouldn’t know what to do without you girls.”

“Ohh!” Pinkie says tenderly, “AJ!”

Fluttershy hums in smiling assent.

“Oh darling, you’re just the sweetest!” Rarity says.

Rainbow drops her eyelids, grinning. “I knew you’d be lost without me.”

Applejack looks at her flatly. “Yeah, I’d sure be lost without a winged varmint nappin’ in my trees and making my apples go mysteriously missing,” Applejack says, putting mysteriously in hoof quotes.

“Great! Glad you agree!” Rainbow says, satisfied.

Applejack’s sigh is a fond one. And it sets Pinkie giggling. Even Rarity hides a polite chuckle behind a hoof.

My voice is soft but hopeful, “Somehow, someway, we have a special connection. We belong together.” My breath hitches a little. “That means that… that I belong here too, right? With you?”

“‘Course you do!” Applejack says in shock.

“You do. Haven’t we told you that enough times?” Rainbow says, looking concerned and flustered.

“That doesn’t mean I believed it!” ‘Believed’ comes out as a pained and incredulous hiccup. I shut my eyes, taking a moment to compose myself so I don’t just start crying.

My moment is interrupted by a hoof on my shoulder, and Fluttershy’s voice, “I’m so sorry you felt you didn’t belong, but I’m so proud that’s starting to change.”

“Indeed, you’re our darling and very dear friend!”

“And we don’t need some silly destiny to tell us that! You’re our Twily!! You’re our bestest friend and we're not giving you up!”

Fluttershy says, “You belong because we want you here.”

“And we’ll just keep reminding you that until it sticks!” Rainbow says, determination in her eyes.

My whole field of view is filled with them, a blur of colors all around me that speak of safety and joy. Their voices, and their warmth, and their life, it travels in a soft wave from the tip of my hooves to the end of my tail. My girls.

As I look at them, the embers in my chest, the ones that had been smothered by fear, start to burn again. An infinite pulsing fire in my chest. For one irrational moment, I fear it’s another magic surge like when I was a foal. But it— It feels like that night. Like a spark. Like the Spark. The one that started everything. And here it is again, burning in miniature in the spot my heart should be.

The spark that shows me that everything, everypony, is connected. That each of us is beautiful, a wonder. But together? When we let ourselves mingle and dance, that’s when we become magic.

I had used magic before, but never understood it. Not until I saw those five mares, each one a unique and singular tapestry composed out of matter and breath and soul. The beauty, the truth of it overwhelmed me, that was my spark.

I bet I would have seen myself that way too. Except I hadn’t wanted to look. I averted my eyes from myself, from ‘Dusk Shine'. I gazed solely onto those mares, the ones that felt safe to love. But whether I saw it or not, that light was in me too, burning and straining to be recognized, to finally be seen.

And I realize I’m here. They see me.

I only need to reach out to them and accept it. Loving them not from afar, as an astronomer studying the detached beauty of distant stars, but as one of them, as part of them.

They’re all part of me.

I could be part of them.

I am part of them.

I’m— I’m bright and wonderful, like they are. Or at least, I can be. The idea that I belong by their side, that we were meant to be together, it’s enough to crack my heart open. And all that pours out is magic. The unmitigated excitement, that this is real and here and now. I have friends! That care about me, who opened up the world to me! And I get to keep them, I get to be with them, and it’s ok to be with them. No, more than that, it’s good to be with them.

It’s good for them and for me, we make each other happier! And how completely amazing is that? I know how to name this feeling. It’s love, burning inside me. Love for my friends, for these ponies I cherish. It’s pouring through my veins like molten metal, too bright and too warm to be contained.

I just— I just need to—

“Girls…” My voice breaks, and they all look with concern. As they do, I’m wrapping everypony within my forelegs reach in a huge hug. I’ve never initiated a group hug before, it didn’t feel like my place. But this friendly touch is safe, welcome, and mutual.

“Aww! Twily~” Pinkie looks at my expression and starts to tear up. She rushes into the hug, carrying a faintly blushing Rainbow Dash with her. Fluttershy folds her arms over me and Rainbow, quiet but smiling. Rarity smiles fondly at the sight before moving in and joining the hug, hooves around Fluttershy and me. Applejack’s lip quivers for a moment, looking at us with endless warmth, before saying, “Oh c’mere y’all!” and wrapping her forelegs around the lot of us, squeezing us together and completing the hug.

“Oh you girls!” Rarity says, making a trilling noise. We’re all pressed up close enough that we can feel it.

“I’m so glad we’re all friends,” Fluttershy says beside me, “You make me so happy…”

“Mmm.” I murmur. “Me too.” I love them, I love them so much. They saved me, brought light into my world. How could I see what I saw and not covet them? Not want to hold them near and cherish them and immerse myself in their light? “I love you girls…” I murmur, shaking a little. I’ve never said that to them, to all of them.

It only causes the hug to grow tighter, my friends making affectionate noises and cooing. “We love you too Twilight!” Applejack says, and the twang in her voice on ‘Twi’ always makes my heart flutter.

“Yeah! I love all you girls too!!” Pinkie says. Noises of assent coming from Rarity and Fluttershy share that sentiment.

“Yeah… You’re all really really cool,” Rainbow huffs softly, squished as she is in the center of the hug.

We’re nuzzling together, all enveloped in a huge pile of cuddles and love and affection. I sigh, and all the tension runs out of my body, letting them hold me. While it lasts, the moment is timeless.

Eventually the hug loosens, and we all plop down into a loose circle, with a wave of giggles.

Applejack smiles curiously at me. “Not that I mind it Twilight, but I’m curious as a cat what brought that on! You aren’t usually all affectionate like that!”

Rainbow Dash looks at me with half lidded eyes, grinning, and says, “Oh, you know,” under her breath. Pinkie giggles.

I blush, but press on regardless “I’m not. But I want to be. I have for a long time.” There are still tears in my eyes, happy ones. “I’m sick of hiding how much I care about you girls!” And the part of me that expects rejection is quiet.

There’s a collective ‘awwww!’ And my friends look at me tenderly.

Pinkie claps her hooves. “If it means more group huggies, then I’m in!”

“I always knew you were just a big sappy egghead!” Rainbow says.

Fluttershy adds on. “And it’s something we’ve always loved about you, I couldn’t be happier for you.” She waits a moment, before giggling softly and saying, “And for us too.”

“Hear! Hear! It’s about time you let yourself shine,” Rarity agrees.

Applejack says, “You’ve come a long way, sugarcube. We’re real proud of you.”

That burning light is still in my chest, but I’ve already used up all my words, said my ‘I love you’s.’ So instead I just smile at them, and try to let everything I feel show through it. They smile back.

“I guess I have come a long way.” I think about what Applejack said, and something occurs to me that makes me giggle. “But also, not that far at all.”

“Oh? How so?” Rarity asks.

“Well. The Cutie Mark Crusaders got me thinking about how this all started. And I realized something.” I stare out, searching through my memory. “It started with her. Celestia.” A nostalgic smile creeps onto my face. "I saw her that day, haloed by the sun. She was magical, radiant, beautiful. I wanted to be exactly like her.” My eyes widen slowly. “And I guess… I didn’t really understand what that meant until recently.”

“Oh my! No wonder you look up to her so much!” Fluttershy says, “If you don’t mind me saying, you’ve done a good job working towards that goal, even when you didn’t know what it was.”

“I… Thanks, Fluttershy. Though, I think I might’ve found something even better than being like Celestia.” I smile. “Being like me.”

“I like that better too!” Pinkie agrees.

Rainbow smiles “That is really cute, so I’m gonna stop myself from calling you a total teachers pet”

“Thanks.” I say flatly.

“You’re welcome.” She says with satisfaction.

I breathe for a moment, letting the lull in conversation relax. Then I say, “I’m wearing that dress to the gala.”

Rarity squeals quite loudly, before noticing our covered ears and regaining her composure. “Ahem. I mean, quite good darling!”

I nod slowly. “And I think… I’m going to tell her tonight.”

There are soft murmurs of surprise all around, which quickly turn into encouragement.

“I think that’s a great idea.” Applejack says.

I nod nervously. “I know she’s supportive of trans ponies, I’ve seen it myself.” I glance to the side and say under my breath. “And researched it. Thoroughly.” Then I glance back. “But it’s still scary. But I don’t know if anypony she’s actually close with has ever transitioned! Who knows what she’ll think?” I know the fears are silly, but maybe she’ll think that I failed. She’ll regret ever sending me to Ponyville.

Rarity says, “She’ll surely come to adore Twilight Sparkle as much as we do.”

“And if she doesn’t, I’ll kick her flank for you!” Rainbow says triumphantly.

Rarity speaks up as well. “Normally I don’t agree with assaulting royalty, but for this I would make an exception!” She sees the horror warring with relief on my face and quickly adds. “A strongly worded letter might make a better first response though, of course.”

I sigh, looking between Rainbow and Rarity. “Ok, good. Please don’t attack my mentor.”

“Eh. No promises.” Rainbow says nonchalantly.

Pinkie bounces in front of Rainbow. “Don’t listen to that silly filly! It’ll go great!” She says, “Before you know it I’ll be hosting the ‘I thought my favorite student was a boy, but they’re actually a cute smarty mare, isn’t that amazing?!’ party!”

“Pinkie!” That gets a laugh out of me. “That actually sounds pretty nice.”

Applejack smiles with more confident than I feel. “You got this Twi!”

I return from Sugarcube Corner tired, but in high spirits. I suspect I’m still a little drunk on affection, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The sun is setting, it’s the twilight of the day. Late, but not so late that my number one assistant is already snoozing.

Spike runs up to me as I step inside and lay down my things. “How’d your day go?” He asks.

“Good,” I say, “Really good, actually.”

He looks up at me with genuine joy at my words, and I think about how lucky I am to have a home like this. I scoop him up into a big dragon-y hug. “Thanks for always being there for me, Spike.”

“I guess it did go good!” Spike says, then wheezes, “Now that you’re my big sis, it seems like you squeeze me even more!”

I give him one last squeeze, then let him go. “I think you’ll just have to get used to it.” I say and smile at him.

“Ugh, fine.” He complains, smiling back.

“Now, there’s one last thing I need to take care of.” I breathe in, steadying my voice. “Spike, could you take a letter please?”

The paper and quill are already at the ready. “You got it!”

Dear Princess Celestia,

There’s a friendship lesson I’ve been learning about for a while now, and I hadn’t wanted to write to you about it until I found my answer. True friendship means being true to yourself too. It can be hard to let your true self shine, especially when you aren’t even sure what that is. I felt I didn’t belong, that what I felt was better kept hidden. But day by day, I saw reflected in my friends eyes who I wanted to be. I put together the puzzle pieces of fear, and hope, and desire. I’ve finally found the courage to show my friends my entire heart, instead of just the sliver that feels safe. And no matter how scary it was, it’s all been worth it. Because I learned that the whole of me was beautiful and worth loving, if I only let it show.

I am an agender trans mare. I use she and her, and I feel cuter than I ever thought I could be. I love the new me in a way I never did the old. My heart feels so much lighter and brighter than it ever has before. The spark that united the Elements is still inside me. For the first time I can imagine my future, growing together with them. And I couldn’t be more excited to face it. I hope you’ll still be there to face it with me.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle