Sparkle

by EquineWhoDoesStuff

Chapter 1

My name is Dusk Shine, and I think the Elements of Harmony made a mistake.

The day I met my friends and found the Elements was the best day of my life. With that Spark burning in my eyes, everything felt so clear and right. In the weeks since, that clarity has left me, like a dream slowly dissipating.

I woke up the next day, and I was still just me. Just the same bookish and awkward stallion I had always been. Except that I had five wonderful mares who consider me their friend. But the more they’ve tried to include me, the more out of place I feel.

It seems ungrateful to me. I have friends that care about me, whom I love very very much! Platonically, of course platonically. I overcame all the loneliness and the fear, and I have a great life now! I am objectively, and subjectively, so much happier than I was!

So why do I still have this feeling? I don’t know how I can ever be what those five need, what they deserve. I’ve learned so much about the magic of friendship in such a short time, but I haven’t learned what makes me worthy of standing by their side.

I sit across from my friends at the table in Fluttershy’s backyard. A gentle breeze is blowing, complementing what should be a lovely afternoon lunch. But I’ve been wracking my brain so much that it’s starting to effect my day to day function. It’s not exactly the same, but I’ve seen what happened to Applejack when she refused to ask for help.

So today I’ve finally resolved to tell them. I'm just going to talk to them about it! They won't think that I'm weird and gross! And if they do, well, better to get it over with right? It's fine!

They're all looking at me expectantly, I try to start, "I..." They lean in. I go silent. It's a difficult thing to phrase in a way that doesn't sound foolish, "You girls..." You girls, an exclusionary phrase; everypony but me. "You girls don't ever think it's... weird, that I'm one stallion in a friend group of mares?"

Rainbow gives a flat stare. "Uhhhhh. No?" She looks on the verge of rolling her eyes. "Dude, what are you even talking about?"

"I just- I'm a single stallion, who's such close friends with a bunch of mares, who take me around everywhere and include me in pretty much everything! That doesn't seem, I don't know, a little suspicious, a little off?"

Pinkie Pie's eyes widen, before a sly smile creeps onto her face. "Dusky~ Are you hitting on us?"

The table rattles as I jump up, planting my hooves too forcefully on the wood to be casual. "No! No! Absolutely definitely not!" The ice in Rarity's drink rattles around in the following silence.

“I can take the hint, but you didn’t have to be that sure about it!” Pinkie smiles, her eyebrows rise in mock offense, until a giggle breaks the illusion.

"Sorry Pinkie, that's not how I meant it. Anypony would be lucky to have you, truly!" I sigh, "What I mean is, you're my friends! That would be incredibly disrespectful. Especially since half of you don't even like men!"

Rarity gives me a look before speaking up herself, "Dusk, darling. Let me speak frankly when I say none of us have ever felt romantically threatened by you. You're a perfectly respectful and pleasant colt, hence why we keep your company."

Rainbow butts in. “Yeah! I mean it’s not like you’re going around trying to hit on me all the time.”

No, I definitely don't! I’m not some creep who chases after his friends. I've never thought of Rainbow in that way, of how soft her wings look, or how incredible she is when she's pushing her body to it's limit.

"You do know you can be friends with a gender you’re attracted to, right? Otherwise I couldn't be friends with any of these fine ladies, or like, literally any mare. That'd be dumb." Rainbow blinks. "I mean, aren't you Bi? What, does that mean you can't be friends with anypony of any gender?"

My eyes dodge to the corner. "That's how it worked for me before..."

Rarity balks, "Dusk, don't talk like that! You're sounding like the gloomy little colt you were when we met, instead of the amazing pony who saw what made us special, and brought us all together."

That makes me blush a little, reminds me of how wonderful my friends really are. I wouldn't want to live my life without them, but is that enough? "I'm not explaining this right. What I'm asking is, none of you feel... unsafe being so close to me?" My hooves are still fidgeting under the table.

"Um. I can say that, I uh, I don't feel unsafe around you at all. Which means a lot, since I'm generally afraid of, well, everypony," Fluttershy added quietly.

"Yeah, same! For a colt, you're pretty cool, in an egghead sort of way," Rainbow calls, the others follow suit, voicing their assent.

I'm getting frustrated, they don't get it. Worse, I don't know if I get it. "But, stallions are rude, insensitive, prone to violence and the perpetuation of misogyny–"

"Now that's just plum ridiculous!" Applejack interrupts, "Maybe some of that applies to stallions as a whole. But judgin' the pony standing in front of us is a whole different barrel of oats." She looks exasperated. "Do I need to explain gender essentialism to you Dusk? Cause that kinda lecture is usually the other way round. Gender roles are fake, we're all just ponies!"

I know that. I’ve read books about that, written papers about that. So why am I saying all this? What am I actually afraid of?

"Not to mention, you're hardly the paragon of traditional masculinity Dusk, and I mean that in the best way. Why, when you asked to get hooficures with us, you were positively adorable!" Rarity coos.

It should make me feel better, that I can act however I want regardless of gender. It's true. I can! I do! I try so hard to be the good kind of stallion. The kind that deserves to be around vibrant amazing mares, the kind who's thoughtful and cautious and meek enough to be worthy of keeping around. I've tried so hard to be good, so why–

"I feel I don't belong around you," I croak, "I don't know why."

Applejack leans in. "Look sugarcube, it really ain't a big deal, we've all got plenty of stallion friends."

I bite my lip as something awful rises up inside me, it rips out of me anyway, "But not ones like me!" I practically shout, "You're my best friends, and I'm yours! I want to be with you more than anything, but you deserve somepony who's better! Somepony who's better, nicer, softer-" Prettier. "Somepony who's good. Like you," My voice peters out, lapsing.

Pinkie's eyes are watering. "Oh, Dusky..."

"I'm sorry sugarcube, I had no clue you were feeling so torn up." Applejack's expression is soft, and kind, and it's the kind of thing that shouldn't be given to me. "Do ya... do ya know what's making you feel that way?"

"I–" My voice starts, I hate the way it cracks, "I don't know. Just– Mares are amazing. Resilient, powerful, special! Being a mare is basically an objective improvement! So why would I be the element of magic, instead of another mare?"

Fluttershy trots over, putting a hoof on my shoulder, a reassuring pressure. Pinkie reaches over, putting a hoof around me. Pretty soon all the mares have joined in, forming one of our traditional group hugs.

Fluttershy speaks softly, "We think you're special just the way you are, Dusk. We don't need you to be anypony else but who you are."

"Yeah!! You're a super duper amazing stallion, and you deserve to be with us just as much as some random mare!"

"We would be practically lost without you darling, you deserve all the love and trust we've given you, and more."

"We wouldn't be hanging around you if we didn't think so!" Applejack says.

My breath catches, straddling the edge between sobbing and hyperventilating, "But. What if I don’t think so?" I wheeze.

My friends make concerned cooing sounds in response, and I don't want to disappoint them, I want to feel better.

But I don't, none of this is helping and I don't– the sobbing wins out, choking miserable sounds. My horn starts to spark in response to my distress, magic clawing away inside of me, and I clamp down on it. That brings on another wave of tears, I don’t want them to see how weird and scary I am. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I feel this way." Tears stream down my cheeks, and I can't help but think how gross it is that I'm getting my tears in their pretty manes. My voice is a soft whine, "I think something's wrong with me." I shake. "But I don't know what it is. I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" I break down into sobs, unable to wrest words out of the burrowing wrongness crawling up my throat. So I just shake, and make pitiful noises, while my friends hold me and try to console me.

A few minutes later, the uncontrollable sobbing has waned. Enough for my friends to take me inside and sit me on Fluttershy's couch. Another minute, and there’s a cup of tea in front of me, and five very concerned friends arrayed around me. "I'm sorry girls. I didn't mean to scare you, this whole thing is silly."

"Something that's hurting you that bad ain't silly," Applejack says, "You needed to get it out, so we can all figure out how to help."

"I appreciate that. I really do," I say quietly, "But I don't even know what's wrong, so how could you help? This is just another one of my random insecurities."

Fluttershy, who's been quiet for a long long time now, clears her throat. I turn dutifully to listen to her. "Dusk. You do remember that I'm trans. Right?" Fluttershy says, very gently.

"Of course!" I say, worried I'd done something wrong, "I was honored you would share something like that with me."

She smiles softly, and blinks at me, and the look is starting to feel a little bit patronizing. "Dusk, I'm trying to suggest you might have something to figure out with your gender identity."

Fear rises up in me. "Of course not! I would never appropriate trans identity in that way!"

Rarity stares intently. "Darling, It's not ‘appropriation’ if you are trans."

"Well yes,” I say, "But I'm not. So it is."

"Forgive me, but it just quite seems like you want to be a mare."

I give a small laugh, "No, no. I just wish you all had a marefriend instead of me." I pause. "Mare friend, a friend who's a mare," I make sure to enunciate the pause between the words, "That's different."

Rarity interjects, “I think I safely speak for the others when I say we don’t feel the need for you to be anything but who you are.” The other girls quickly agree, and Rarity continues. “And some random mare as a replacement wouldn’t improve things. We don't feel like we're missing out. The only pony who’s unsatisfied with it is you.”

”And doesn’t that sound just a teensy bit like dysphoria to you?" Fluttershy persists.

“What? I don’t hate my body. I just don’t think about it. Why would I want to anyway? I’m just some guy.”

"Dysphoria isn't always obvious, and there are as many ways to experience it as there are trans ponies," Fluttershy says.

My voice is soft, "It's really so kind, to try and relate your experiences to mine Fluttershy, but I'd know by now if I was a mare," There's a brittle strength in my voice, this is my life, I know about it, "My parents were great! They never forced me to be a boy, or do boy things. And I didn't! I played with dolls, like smarty pants. I had every opportunity to figure out I was a mare."

Fluttershy sighs, then says, "How about this. This is a trick that helped me when I was younger. If you had a button that could magically change you into a mare, would you press it?"

I laugh, "Of course! Who wouldn't? Mares are great!"

Rainbow interjects, hovering and raising her voice, "Most stallions wouldn't!! Most stallions like being stallions. That's the whole point of them being stallions!" She throws her hooves up, "Girl, you're in denial!"

Tears sting at my eyes. "You don't get to tell me what I am!" I'm standing too now, facing her down. I don't know why I'm so angry, or so scared.

Applejack puts a hoof on Rainbow's chest, gently guiding her back to the ground. "Now Rainbow, I get your frustration. But that's no reason to start declaring something–" She hesitates. "–Dusk isn't ready for."

I don't miss the way she doesn't use my pronouns.

Applejack continues, "Now Fluttershy, you're the expert here a' course, but it seems to me the first step should be figuring out what Dusk wants, not trying to pin down what Dusk is."

Fluttershy looks around, clearly unnerved by the energy in the room. But she swallows and sets her jaw. "Yes, I think that could help. Does that sound ok to you, Dusk?"

I lower myself down, embarrassed by my outburst at Rainbow. "I, uh. Yes. Sorry."

Rainbow rolls her eyes. "Fine, I'll play along."

"See that you do, Rainbow dear," Rarity says, "Now Dusk, you keep speaking of this imaginary mare you say would be superior to yourself. What exactly would she be doing that you can't?"

What would she be doing? I try to picture her in my mind. Her face and cutie mark are blurry, but she moves with a lightness I can't imagine. "She... She would be able to go along with you on your girls nights out, without intruding." I stop, staring at the floorboards.

"Is that it?" Rarity prompts.

"And she could do things like... have a slumber party with you, without it being weird. And... join in when you talk about girl things." I don't know why this makes me tear up, I just want them to have this so much. It feels so important. "She would belong with you, really belong! She'd be one of you! and she wouldn't–" –want things she can't have.

"And this mare, she would be Celestia's student as well?"

"Well, I mean, she could be!"

"Would she be a magician scholar as well? Would she live in the old library?"

Well, if she was taking my place. "Yes."

"She'd be the element of magic? The reclusive bookworm who somehow brought us all together?"

"I... yes."

"Now, who does that sound like?"

The image of her in my head starts to resolve, the fog around her cutie mark starts to dissolve. A magenta starburst, with five smaller stars dancing in orbit around it. Her eyes are the same as mine, but happier. And in them I see that same spark that brought me to my friends.

My head is in my hooves. I can't do this. I can't. "I can't be a mare! I'm too weird, and gross, and bad! I'm just not good enough, I can't be that! I'm just some creepy stallion who daydreams about his lesbian friends and wants them to think he's cute like they are!"

"Stop that right now!" Fluttershy cuts through the noise, and her volume shocks me into silence. She steps over, and as she does I notice how tall Fluttershy is, because she's not stooping down like she usually does. She looks down at me, lifting my muzzle with a hoof. And irrationally, I'm reminded of Celestia. "Being a mare isn't a title, or a test. All you need to be one is to want it."

"I don't think I can do that," My voice is the quiet one now, "I'm scared."

"You don't have to decide anything, you can just try things out." There's a glint in Fluttershy's eye. "Think of it... as an experiment. To gather data. It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to."

Gathering data. That sounds reasonable. More reasonable at least.

"I think I can safely say we all would help you test those things, right girls?"

The others voice their assent, "Yes quite! We could include you in all those things you were feeling despondent about, and it won't have to mean a thing about your gender."

"Eeee!!" Pinkie squeals, "There's so many fun things we can do together that I didn't know you wanted to!!"

"Yeah! Consider yourself an honorary member of the girl squad!" Rainbow chirps.

The fear isn't as wracking, I can breathe again. The tears are slow, and quiet, "I'm not– Imposing? I don't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with!"

Rainbow Dash gets really close, glaring into my eyes. "Hey."

"Y-yes?"

"Do I look like I tolerate any bullshit from stallions?"

She really does not. "No, Rainbow."

Her glare breaks into a cocky grin. "Then you're good! I say it's cool."

I hate that I think about kissing her, but I feel such a weight taken off of me that all I can say is "Thank you. Thank you girls so much. T-thank you," A hesitation. But, I don't care enough right now to stop. They've said it, but I never– I never felt right to do the same. “I lo–” But my voice catches before I can finish. It’s too much, too fast. Too likely to give them the wrong idea. “I’m really really glad you’re all my friends.”

Fluttershy looks at me softly and says, "We love you too."

Comments

[RambleGaze]

Already favorited by the first chapter. You have a fantastic handle on how the characters talk, and just the way they talk through it gives me warm fuzzies.

[PrincessColumbia]

Ow, my feels! How?! How are you describing my experience of realizing my gender identity so heckin' perfectly?! It's practically like you're quoting my life story here...

...are you a spy?!

[HiddenEntity]

Dammit I'm starting to cry, this is exactly what it feels like..

[Geeknerd]

Oh gods, Dusk is me

[AndrewV]

There's a lot of sexism here that wouldn't be fixed with different pronouns.

"Rainbow blinks. "I mean, aren't you Bi? What, does that mean you can't be friends with anypony of any gender?"
My eyes dodge to the corner. "That's how it worked for me before..."

"But, stallions are rude, insensitive, prone to violence and the perpetuation of misogyny"

"I want to be with you more than anything, but you deserve somepony who's better" (even though they're all saying how great Dusk is).

Transitioning would produce a mare sexist against stallions instead of a stallion sexist against stallions, which isn't really an improvement, even if sex was based on pronouns.

Wouldn't solving the problem by realizing that "stallions are not in fact 'weird and gross and bad'" be strictly better than "stallions are weird and gross and bad, but I'm not a stallion"?

[KnightNight]

11138731
Dealing with sexism is part of dealing with being trans. There’s this idea that trans women are just “men who pretend to be women to sneak into women’s bathrooms” and after a while of hearing that, it can get to you. You can feel like you’re imposing on these situations, because other people tell you you are.

And, even if you don’t realize you’re trans yet, these kinds of situations can still pop up. Like going to a slumber party or on a girls night out.

I’m not a trans women, I’m non-binary. I may not have had the same experiences, but I have experienced this feeling of being somewhere you’re not supposed to be.

You pick up sexism and bigotry, whether you realize it or not.

[Latecomer]

Hmm... while I'm sure this is true to many people's experiences (like PrincessColumbia), I am a little concerned that after raising all these issues of if stallions and mares can be friends and equals, the story takes what would have been quite a swerve if one hadn't read the blurb. I do hope that even as the story progresses along these lines, the original questions will be addressed at some point - I suppose I'll have to keep reading and find out.

[Auburn Meadow]

11136905
Has to be. I can’t think of any other possible explanation for managing to perfectly capture pretty much every thought that went through my head when I was figuring out my gender identity. Not realizing what “trans” meant, having a bunch of female friends and feeling like I didn’t fit in, wanting to be a girl (not for me, I thought, but for them), not wanting to be sexist or misogynistic or perverted or weird, having anxiety about my friends not liking me because of my gender, liking dolls and toys as a child but never reading that as being trans, being totally happy to push a button and change my gender but still not seeing any signs, feeling “gross” because of my birth gender but not because of my body but rather some imagined stereotype or role in relationships, and like, everything else. It all literally hits. Must be a spy.

If you start describing that giddy feeling I get every time someone properly genders me instead of my birth gender (without me telling) I’m searching for cameras.

[Soft Shake]

11138731

11139090

Yeah. My brother is trans-masc and ever since he came out he's become a lot more aware of his internalized sexism against woman.

(To AndrewV) How I understand it, being trans before you realize that you're trans can easily manifest in sexism because all you know is that you're this gender (which you're not) and that you, as this gender, are so wrong. Without understanding that it's dysphoria, that can easily translate to "this gender is so wrong *period*."

I don't speak from personal experience, but it's something that really resonated with me (and actually made me cry a little) in this because of how much it reminded me of my brother. It may not be a universal experience among all trans people, but I can understand why it would be pretty common.

[Bicyclette]

No, I definitely don't! I’m not some creep who chases after his friends. I've never thought of Rainbow in that way, of how soft her wings look, or how incredible she is when she's pushing her body to it's limit.

oof, all of that self-repression and self-hatred for what would otherwise be a very ordinary and understandable expression of lesbian attraction, just heartbreaking

But I don't, none of this is helping and I don't– the sobbing wins out, choking miserable sounds. My horn starts to spark in response to my distress, magic clawing away inside of me, and I clamp down on it. That brings on another wave of tears, I don’t want them to see how weird and scary I am.

augh, that fear of being perceived as weird and scary

Fluttershy, who's been quiet for a long long time now, clears her throat. I turn dutifully to listen to her. "Dusk. You do remember that I'm trans. Right?" Fluttershy says, very gently.

Fear rises up in me. "Of course not! I would never appropriate trans identity in that way!"

i love how this already makes for a more complex exploration of trans identity than most stories i've seen. Dusk already has an example of a trans mare in their life and has internalized that being AMAB is not an obstacle to marehood, but the obstacles remain for themself

I played with dolls, like smarty pants.

aww, somehow it is extra adorable that Smarty Pants remains consistent between these timelines

I laugh, "Of course! Who wouldn't? Mares are great!"

Rainbow interjects, hovering and raising her voice, "Most stallions wouldn't!! Most stallions like being stallions. That's the whole point of them being stallions!" She throws her hooves up, "Girl, you're in denial!"

haha, ah, Rainbow is always great for being straight to the point without any tact or softening

"Stop that right now!" Fluttershy cuts through the noise, and her volume shocks me into silence. She steps over, and as she does I notice how tall Fluttershy is, because she's not stooping down like she usually does. She looks down at me, lifting my muzzle with a hoof. And irrationally, I'm reminded of Celestia.

aww, i can just imagine this exactly, including the Celestia-like majesty that imbues her at that moment

Her glare breaks into a cocky grin. "Then you're good! I say it's cool."

Rainbow is so great!

[Derian the imp]

My head is in my hooves. I can't do this. I can't. "I can't be a mare! I'm too weird, and gross, and bad! I'm just not good enough, I can't be that! I'm just some creepy stallion who daydreams about his lesbian friends and wants them to think he's cute like they are!"

mood

[LilacHeart]

I don't think I have ever found a transfemme fanfic or writing that so perfectly encapsulates how I felt during my time finding out who I was until this one

Her constant belittling of her desires, thinking herself disgusting, creepy and unable to let go off the fear of the sexual aspect and coming off like that. The whole feeling that being a woman/mare is something you need to earn.

That feeling that you don't even deserve to consider yourself trans?

It hits extremly close at home for me.

Thank you for writing this and I am looking forward to read the rest. While I don't think as much like this anymore it still feels validating to feel represented even if it's negative aspects