It’d been a few weeks since my conversation with Fluttershy, and since coming out to myself. Since then, I’d managed to come out to all my other friends as an agender trans mare. Some were surprised, others not so much. But they all reacted well. Even though it made me feel indecisive to flip flop like this In some ways it was easier coming out again, since they already knew I was trans.
Since I’d talked to Fluttershy, I’d also done more of my own research into medical transition. But something was making me hesitant to take the next step.
I only realized why after a certain three fillies practically ambushed me while I was on the way to lunch with my friends, and demanded my cutie mark story.
I knew where I was going to get my hormone prescription. I knew the specialists I wanted to see about the medical transfiguration treatments. But if I did any of those things, put this out into the world officially. She would know. There isn’t a logical reason, really. Celestia doesn’t snoop around my personal medical records. But it still feels like somehow she would find out. Somepony would gossip, some aide would send her a memo. And then she would know, and I wouldn’t be the one to tell her.
I tried to put that worry out of my mind as I met up with my friends.
The six of us ended up sitting around a table in Sugarcube corner. Being surrounded by my friends is always nice, and now it’s even nicer. Pinkie and Fluttershy sit on either side of me, more closely packed than I would’ve been comfortable with before. But now it felt almost normal.
We chatted about the three fillies who had caught up to each of us previously and demanded cutie mark stories, talking and joking.
Until those same fillies burst in. And Rainbow Dash headed for the door expectantly.
The five of us watched from the sidelines as Rainbow told the story of that fateful race. One that I had never heard before. My eyes were almost as wide as the crusaders when it was finished.
“And that, little ones, is how you earn a cutie mark.”
“Wooooaaaahhhhh…” Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom all exclaim in awe, “Thanks for the story Rainbow Dash!”
Scootaloo turns to the other two. “Now we just need to try cloud racing!”
Applebloom raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’ll exactly work.”
“We’ll improvise! Come on!” Scootaloo turns, and the others follow, making their way out of Sugarcube Corner. The three fillies practically leave a dust trail in their wake. We share a little laugh for a moment at the exuberant fillies.
Then a contemplative expression dawns on Fluttershy’s face. She gets up from the table, working her way toward Rainbow Dash, until she finally speaks up, “Wait a second. I heard that explosion. And I saw the rainbow too. Rainbow Dash, if you hadn't scared the animals, I never would have learned I could communicate with them and gotten my cutie mark.”
Pinkie chimes in, bouncing out of her seat as well, “I heard that boom! And right afterwards, there was this amazing rainbow that taught me to smile.”
“When I got my cutie mark, I saw a rainbow that pointed me home. I bet it was your sonic rainboom!” Applejack says.
Rarity blinks, speaking up, “There was an explosion I could never explain when I got my cutie mark.”
And then they’re all up, pressing in around Rainbow Dash, eager to share their discoveries. Rainbow is surprised, but is far from bothered by the attention.
I blink, listening to each of my friends, and thinking back to my own past. That can’t be… I remember that same Rainbow light. The day of the entrance exam, It saved me.
I finally rise as well, stopping a good few steps away from the group. It takes a moment for me to realize I’m doing it. I normally set myself a step apart from them, it’s reflexive. And I’ve been trying— No, I’ve decided I’m not going to do it anymore. Because I don’t have to. And that reality never fails to put a nervous grin on my muzzle. It feels forbidden, just to take that one step closer. But I do.
And my friends part seamlessly to let me in, like I had always belonged here. My stomach fizzles with butterflies.
They turn to look at me and I speak up. “This is uncanny! There was an explosion, if it hadn’t happened when it did, I would have blown my entrance exam.” My eyes are wide. “Rainbow Dash... I think you helped me earn my cutie mark too!”
Pinkie hears me and gasps, turning to Rainbow. “We all owe our cutie marks to you!“
“We all got our cutie marks at the same time, all because of Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy wonders from beside me, “It’s like we were all connected, even before we met!”
“I’m glad and all, that you’re realizing that I’m basically the most important pony in Equestria,” Rainbow says. I see AJ roll her eyes in my peripherals. Rainbow turns to Fluttershy. “But aren’t we like, already connected? Elements of Harmony and all that jazz?”
Rarity titters, I see her behind Fluttershy through a pink curtain. “It’s an entirely different matter! That old prophecy didn’t say anything about us, I like to think we earned our spots.” She clasps her hooves together, tilting her head dreamily. “But this? It’s so romantic! Six friends, bound across time and space to one day come together and save Equestria! Oh I do so like that, our own little fairy tale!”
“Eeee!!” Pinkie bounces in place. “I always had five superrific friends, even before I knew I did!”
Fluttershy speaks up, “I’m just happy it meant that we all found each other…”
“And I don’t know about all this destiny hoopla, but I reckon I wouldn’t know what to do without you girls.”
“Ohh!” Pinkie says tenderly, “AJ!”
Fluttershy hums in smiling assent.
“Oh darling, you’re just the sweetest!” Rarity says.
Rainbow drops her eyelids, grinning. “I knew you’d be lost without me.”
Applejack looks at her flatly. “Yeah, I’d sure be lost without a winged varmint nappin’ in my trees and making my apples go mysteriously missing,” Applejack says, putting mysteriously in hoof quotes.
“Great! Glad you agree!” Rainbow says, satisfied.
Applejack’s sigh is a fond one. And it sets Pinkie giggling. Even Rarity hides a polite chuckle behind a hoof.
My voice is soft but hopeful, “Somehow, someway, we have a special connection. We belong together.” My breath hitches a little. “That means that… that I belong here too, right? With you?”
“‘Course you do!” Applejack says in shock.
“You do. Haven’t we told you that enough times?” Rainbow says, looking concerned and flustered.
“That doesn’t mean I believed it!” ‘Believed’ comes out as a pained and incredulous hiccup. I shut my eyes, taking a moment to compose myself so I don’t just start crying.
My moment is interrupted by a hoof on my shoulder, and Fluttershy’s voice, “I’m so sorry you felt you didn’t belong, but I’m so proud that’s starting to change.”
“Indeed, you’re our darling and very dear friend!”
“And we don’t need some silly destiny to tell us that! You’re our Twily!! You’re our bestest friend and we're not giving you up!”
Fluttershy says, “You belong because we want you here.”
“And we’ll just keep reminding you that until it sticks!” Rainbow says, determination in her eyes.
My whole field of view is filled with them, a blur of colors all around me that speak of safety and joy. Their voices, and their warmth, and their life, it travels in a soft wave from the tip of my hooves to the end of my tail. My girls.
As I look at them, the embers in my chest, the ones that had been smothered by fear, start to burn again. An infinite pulsing fire in my chest. For one irrational moment, I fear it’s another magic surge like when I was a foal. But it— It feels like that night. Like a spark. Like the Spark. The one that started everything. And here it is again, burning in miniature in the spot my heart should be.
The spark that shows me that everything, everypony, is connected. That each of us is beautiful, a wonder. But together? When we let ourselves mingle and dance, that’s when we become magic.
I had used magic before, but never understood it. Not until I saw those five mares, each one a unique and singular tapestry composed out of matter and breath and soul. The beauty, the truth of it overwhelmed me, that was my spark.
I bet I would have seen myself that way too. Except I hadn’t wanted to look. I averted my eyes from myself, from ‘Dusk Shine'. I gazed solely onto those mares, the ones that felt safe to love. But whether I saw it or not, that light was in me too, burning and straining to be recognized, to finally be seen.
And I realize I’m here. They see me.
I only need to reach out to them and accept it. Loving them not from afar, as an astronomer studying the detached beauty of distant stars, but as one of them, as part of them.
They’re all part of me.
I could be part of them.
I am part of them.
I’m— I’m bright and wonderful, like they are. Or at least, I can be. The idea that I belong by their side, that we were meant to be together, it’s enough to crack my heart open. And all that pours out is magic. The unmitigated excitement, that this is real and here and now. I have friends! That care about me, who opened up the world to me! And I get to keep them, I get to be with them, and it’s ok to be with them. No, more than that, it’s good to be with them.
It’s good for them and for me, we make each other happier! And how completely amazing is that? I know how to name this feeling. It’s love, burning inside me. Love for my friends, for these ponies I cherish. It’s pouring through my veins like molten metal, too bright and too warm to be contained.
I just— I just need to—
“Girls…” My voice breaks, and they all look with concern. As they do, I’m wrapping everypony within my forelegs reach in a huge hug. I’ve never initiated a group hug before, it didn’t feel like my place. But this friendly touch is safe, welcome, and mutual.
“Aww! Twily~” Pinkie looks at my expression and starts to tear up. She rushes into the hug, carrying a faintly blushing Rainbow Dash with her. Fluttershy folds her arms over me and Rainbow, quiet but smiling. Rarity smiles fondly at the sight before moving in and joining the hug, hooves around Fluttershy and me. Applejack’s lip quivers for a moment, looking at us with endless warmth, before saying, “Oh c’mere y’all!” and wrapping her forelegs around the lot of us, squeezing us together and completing the hug.
“Oh you girls!” Rarity says, making a trilling noise. We’re all pressed up close enough that we can feel it.
“I’m so glad we’re all friends,” Fluttershy says beside me, “You make me so happy…”
“Mmm.” I murmur. “Me too.” I love them, I love them so much. They saved me, brought light into my world. How could I see what I saw and not covet them? Not want to hold them near and cherish them and immerse myself in their light? “I love you girls…” I murmur, shaking a little. I’ve never said that to them, to all of them.
It only causes the hug to grow tighter, my friends making affectionate noises and cooing. “We love you too Twilight!” Applejack says, and the twang in her voice on ‘Twi’ always makes my heart flutter.
“Yeah! I love all you girls too!!” Pinkie says. Noises of assent coming from Rarity and Fluttershy share that sentiment.
“Yeah… You’re all really really cool,” Rainbow huffs softly, squished as she is in the center of the hug.
We’re nuzzling together, all enveloped in a huge pile of cuddles and love and affection. I sigh, and all the tension runs out of my body, letting them hold me. While it lasts, the moment is timeless.
Eventually the hug loosens, and we all plop down into a loose circle, with a wave of giggles.
Applejack smiles curiously at me. “Not that I mind it Twilight, but I’m curious as a cat what brought that on! You aren’t usually all affectionate like that!”
Rainbow Dash looks at me with half lidded eyes, grinning, and says, “Oh, you know,” under her breath. Pinkie giggles.
I blush, but press on regardless “I’m not. But I want to be. I have for a long time.” There are still tears in my eyes, happy ones. “I’m sick of hiding how much I care about you girls!” And the part of me that expects rejection is quiet.
There’s a collective ‘awwww!’ And my friends look at me tenderly.
Pinkie claps her hooves. “If it means more group huggies, then I’m in!”
“I always knew you were just a big sappy egghead!” Rainbow says.
Fluttershy adds on. “And it’s something we’ve always loved about you, I couldn’t be happier for you.” She waits a moment, before giggling softly and saying, “And for us too.”
“Hear! Hear! It’s about time you let yourself shine,” Rarity agrees.
Applejack says, “You’ve come a long way, sugarcube. We’re real proud of you.”
That burning light is still in my chest, but I’ve already used up all my words, said my ‘I love you’s.’ So instead I just smile at them, and try to let everything I feel show through it. They smile back.
“I guess I have come a long way.” I think about what Applejack said, and something occurs to me that makes me giggle. “But also, not that far at all.”
“Oh? How so?” Rarity asks.
“Well. The Cutie Mark Crusaders got me thinking about how this all started. And I realized something.” I stare out, searching through my memory. “It started with her. Celestia.” A nostalgic smile creeps onto my face. "I saw her that day, haloed by the sun. She was magical, radiant, beautiful. I wanted to be exactly like her.” My eyes widen slowly. “And I guess… I didn’t really understand what that meant until recently.”
“Oh my! No wonder you look up to her so much!” Fluttershy says, “If you don’t mind me saying, you’ve done a good job working towards that goal, even when you didn’t know what it was.”
“I… Thanks, Fluttershy. Though, I think I might’ve found something even better than being like Celestia.” I smile. “Being like me.”
“I like that better too!” Pinkie agrees.
Rainbow smiles “That is really cute, so I’m gonna stop myself from calling you a total teachers pet”
“Thanks.” I say flatly.
“You’re welcome.” She says with satisfaction.
I breathe for a moment, letting the lull in conversation relax. Then I say, “I’m wearing that dress to the gala.”
Rarity squeals quite loudly, before noticing our covered ears and regaining her composure. “Ahem. I mean, quite good darling!”
I nod slowly. “And I think… I’m going to tell her tonight.”
There are soft murmurs of surprise all around, which quickly turn into encouragement.
“I think that’s a great idea.” Applejack says.
I nod nervously. “I know she’s supportive of trans ponies, I’ve seen it myself.” I glance to the side and say under my breath. “And researched it. Thoroughly.” Then I glance back. “But it’s still scary. But I don’t know if anypony she’s actually close with has ever transitioned! Who knows what she’ll think?” I know the fears are silly, but maybe she’ll think that I failed. She’ll regret ever sending me to Ponyville.
Rarity says, “She’ll surely come to adore Twilight Sparkle as much as we do.”
“And if she doesn’t, I’ll kick her flank for you!” Rainbow says triumphantly.
Rarity speaks up as well. “Normally I don’t agree with assaulting royalty, but for this I would make an exception!” She sees the horror warring with relief on my face and quickly adds. “A strongly worded letter might make a better first response though, of course.”
I sigh, looking between Rainbow and Rarity. “Ok, good. Please don’t attack my mentor.”
“Eh. No promises.” Rainbow says nonchalantly.
Pinkie bounces in front of Rainbow. “Don’t listen to that silly filly! It’ll go great!” She says, “Before you know it I’ll be hosting the ‘I thought my favorite student was a boy, but they’re actually a cute smarty mare, isn’t that amazing?!’ party!”
“Pinkie!” That gets a laugh out of me. “That actually sounds pretty nice.”
Applejack smiles with more confident than I feel. “You got this Twi!”
I return from Sugarcube Corner tired, but in high spirits. I suspect I’m still a little drunk on affection, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The sun is setting, it’s the twilight of the day. Late, but not so late that my number one assistant is already snoozing.
Spike runs up to me as I step inside and lay down my things. “How’d your day go?” He asks.
“Good,” I say, “Really good, actually.”
He looks up at me with genuine joy at my words, and I think about how lucky I am to have a home like this. I scoop him up into a big dragon-y hug. “Thanks for always being there for me, Spike.”
“I guess it did go good!” Spike says, then wheezes, “Now that you’re my big sis, it seems like you squeeze me even more!”
I give him one last squeeze, then let him go. “I think you’ll just have to get used to it.” I say and smile at him.
“Ugh, fine.” He complains, smiling back.
“Now, there’s one last thing I need to take care of.” I breathe in, steadying my voice. “Spike, could you take a letter please?”
The paper and quill are already at the ready. “You got it!”
Dear Princess Celestia,
There’s a friendship lesson I’ve been learning about for a while now, and I hadn’t wanted to write to you about it until I found my answer. True friendship means being true to yourself too. It can be hard to let your true self shine, especially when you aren’t even sure what that is. I felt I didn’t belong, that what I felt was better kept hidden. But day by day, I saw reflected in my friends eyes who I wanted to be. I put together the puzzle pieces of fear, and hope, and desire. I’ve finally found the courage to show my friends my entire heart, instead of just the sliver that feels safe. And no matter how scary it was, it’s all been worth it. Because I learned that the whole of me was beautiful and worth loving, if I only let it show.
I am an agender trans mare. I use she and her, and I feel cuter than I ever thought I could be. I love the new me in a way I never did the old. My heart feels so much lighter and brighter than it ever has before. The spark that united the Elements is still inside me. For the first time I can imagine my future, growing together with them. And I couldn’t be more excited to face it. I hope you’ll still be there to face it with me.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle