How to Preen Your Princess
How to Preen Your Princess
preen
transitive verb: to groom with the mouth, by rearranging the barbs and barbules of the feathers and by distributing oil from the uropygial gland.
It is vitally important for all winged creatures in Equestria to adhere to a healthy preening routine, but this is doubly so for royal alicorn princesses. Without this daily ritual, they would not maintain healthy plumage, and it could severely impact not only their appearance of regality, but also their ability to govern effectively. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that a princess stays vigilant in their efforts to be properly preened at all times.
However, preening is often a very laborious and time-consuming task, and it can therefore be difficult to complete whilst attending to royal duties throughout each and every day. As such, it is absolutely paramount that this sacred duty be performed by professionals who have been trained in the art of preening, in order to offset the burden for your alicorn princess, such that they can more easily focus their efforts on other important tasks.
And so, as a professional preener selected for this duty, this is why you have been given this set of guidelines. By the end of this booklet, you will not only be equipped with detailed knowledge of preening in general, but also how to apply the advanced concepts necessary to conform to the highest standards of the Equestrian Royal Society.
Section One ~ The Uropygial Gland
The most important element of the preening process is in proper usage of the uropygial gland. In pegasi, it can be located dorsally at the base of the tail, between the fourth caudal vertebra and the pygostyle. For alicorns, however, the gland can also be located beneath the base of either wing, due to a biological adaptation in sweat glands that is only present through alicorn magic. Either source, tail or wing, is adequate, but your princess may prefer the usage of one or the other, so be sure to confer with them to ascertain their desired preference. Communication is the key to ensuring a satisfactory experience for all.
Note also that in the case of pegasi, oil from your own uropygial gland may be substituted. This practice is not recommended, however, as the amount of oil secreted from most pegasi on a daily basis is simply not sufficient to cover the larger surface area of an average alicorn's wingspan. Additionally, gland secretions from alicorns have a higher shine coefficient due to epigenetic effects expressed via alicorn magic, making them more desirable. In cases where the supply from your princess is running low, though, utilizing your own to finish up is an acceptable solution. If you do, prioritize less visible areas, such as the underside of either wing.
In the unlikely event that both you and your princess have no oil remaining, please contact your immediate supervisor so they can assess the situation and provide emergency reserves.
Section Two ~ Oil Dissemination
An even spreading of preen oil across the feathers of both wings is vitally important for maintaining a homogenous look and feel for your princess. Their coat must remain in pristine condition, as there are certain expectations of visual appeal put upon royalty that have arisen naturally over time. Aesthetics are not the only concern, however. Without taking care in the application of preen oil, you risk the possibility of your princess becoming lopsided due to extra weight on either wing. This can lead to several problems, the most dangerous of which is improper wing load during flight.
An alicorn has a large wingspan, which aids in their ability to fly faster and stronger, but can also make them considerably more susceptible to turbulence whilst operating at high speeds. As such, an even distribution of preen oil across the surface of your princess is extremely vital to accomplish. To ensure this, it is recommended to apply your licks to either wing in even increments. For example: ten licks on the left wing, then ten licks on the right, and so forth. By following the ten-ten rule, it is unlikely that your princess will become unevenly loaded. Note however that using too many licks per wing, or too little, is unadvised. Too many may result in you losing track, and too little per wing will severely impact your ability to perform the duty in a timely fashion. Many variables can affect the pace of this operation, so treat ten licks per wing as a guideline, not a hard rule.
When applying oil from the uropygial gland to alicorn feathers, ensure that the material is deposited from base to tip. This is to avoid several potential issues, such as ruffled feathers, uneven coating, and general discomfort. Your princess will be expecting a calm and relaxing experience, so it is important that you maintain a slow and steady pace as you transfer the oil from tongue to feather. However, also be advised that princesses have busy schedules, so ensure your pace does not encroach upon lackadaisical either. Use your judgement to assess each particular situation accordingly, as every princess will have a different tolerance for the tempo of your services.
Section Three ~ Princess Courtesy
Preening can be a complicated practice in more ways than one. In pegasi, for example, preening is occasionally utilized as a courtship behavior. Therefore, it is very important to keep things professional, as it is unavoidable that you will be in close physical contact with your princess for prolonged periods. Over time, you and your princess will share the natural bond that would come from any daily shared ritual, but it simply cannot be overstated that you must remain professional at all times.
In the event that your princess appears to be displaying courtship behaviors towards you, it is your duty to politely dismiss these actions immediately, then report the situation to your supervisor after finishing the preening process. In most cases, you will simply be reassigned to another position, but in the event that your princess continues to pursue you further, your resignation may be necessary and you would receive a modest severance package in compensation for your misfortune. As unfair as this may seem for our beloved princesses, it is for the good of the nation that their interests remain focused while in governance.
If your alicorn princess is of non-pegasus origin, the aforementioned scenario is unlikely. However, if your princess was previously a pegasus, sudden cuddling may occur sporadically throughout servicing due to ingrained mating behaviors, depending on a variety of other factors that are ultimately out of your control. Take special note, however, that this is different than courtship behavior, as your princess is simply undergoing a conditioned response. Should this occur for you, it is important to remain calm. You will be alright so long as you simply wait for your princess to stop before resuming your duties as normal, as interrupting their mating behavior may result in adverse emotional reactions.
Additionally, there are a few precautions you can make to avoid spurring spontaneous mating behavior. Avoid the wearing of any scent which contains traces of lavender, for example, as this is a common alicorn aphrodisiac. Do not apply more than three hoof-pounds of force at any time during preening. Similarly, do not apply less than half a hoof-pound of force at any time during preening. Other methods are available, but your results will likely vary. You may consult your supervisor for further advice in this area if desired.
In the event that your princess experiences a tickling sensation, do not panic, as doing so may actually exacerbate the situation. Instead, simply remove yourself from the vicinity of the ticklish area and allow your princess several moments to compose themselves. Once this area has been serviced, you will no longer have to worry about it.
If your princess makes auditory noises during the preening operation such as sighs or moans, continue without alteration in the process, aside from the scenario outlined above. This effect is normal and expected, but some princesses may feel a sense of embarrassment regardless, so it is vitally important that you take care not to point it out, as doing so could compromise their emotional capacity and risk affecting their ability to govern the nation. If your princess reaches volumes in excess of 120 decibels, however, it is recommended that you temporarily leave the area, as prolonged exposure may damage your hearing. Ear plugs can be supplied by your supervisor in particularly difficult situations.
Section Four ~ Miscellaneous
Throughout the preening process, you may occasionally be presented with a variety of rare occurrences. For instance, in the unfortunate event that your princess loses a contour feather or it becomes damaged beyond repair, apologize immediately and do your best to prevent this from happening more than once per week. Offering a replacement of your own may seem like a noble thing to do in such a situation, but please refrain from doing so. Despite this being a natural part of wing maintenance, your princess may feel a sense of discomfort, or even loss, in the event of feather displacement. An alicorn's plumage is often tied to their sense of pride and self-worth, so it is paramount that you take this reality into account when these unfortunate events do occur. Provide ample time to grieve if necessary, and if your princess seeks consoling, you may provide it in the form of three to five pats against their upper torso.
If you accidentally apply too much preen oil to a particular location, this may be remedied by carefully spreading it to adjacent feathers. If, however, those feathers have already been serviced, you will need to siphon the excess oil using your mouth. Please be advised: consumption of preen oil is relatively harmless in small amounts, but should you swallow more than several droplets, contact your supervisor immediately. If you experience any dizziness, you may need to visit a hospital and seek immediate care from a poison control specialist, as this could be a precursor to delirium.
Lastly, under no circumstances should you apply preen oil to any location other than the feathers of your princess, including but not limited to: their mane, their tail, their ears, their hooves, or their flanks. Preen oil is meant only for proper feather maintenance, and its application elsewhere may result in unintended side-effects.
Section Five ~ Conclusion
Overall, preening is a simple but necessary part of life for your alicorn princess. Your duty as professional preener is of the utmost importance, and as such we expect that you will perform it to the best of your abilities. As a carefully-selected preener, your close but professional friendship with our nation's princesses is absolutely vital. But at the end of the day, we hope that you take pride and joy in your duties, and wish you only the best as you continue to carry out the small but important role of preening your princess.
Copyright © 2021 by the Equestrian Royal Society.
All Rights Reserved.
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Why do I get the feeling that Princess Twilight wrote this?
Likely because I can imagine her becoming anxious and perhaps uncomfortable while still enjoying the process. That could be a fun story in and of itself. One I'm sure the local tabloids would be more than happy to print...including timely photographs.
Nicely done!
I wonder what those side effects are...
10763596
I could totally see that. I didn't have any character in mind when writing this though
Highly amusing story! I do so love in-universe text like this. Though now I’m wondering what would happen to a guard with one of those overly friendly princesses. Would also make a fun story.
soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg
10763618
Thank you! I'd definitely read a fun and silly story like that.
That was great.
Kinda feel bad about the princesses though. They find a guard they really like and they get transferred away or forced to quit.
10763742
I felt bad for them too lol. But...from the perspective of keeping a smoothly-running diarchy, ensuring the leaders of Equestria aren't tempted by personal pursuits kinda makes sense lol. I liked the idea of this being a regular issue for them, forcing new guards to be selected every now and then.
10763618
Ask Shining Armor sometime.
120 dB moaning. Those're some mighty powerful set of lungs there
Well... this was certainly original, and the images I have in my mind right now, won't go out for a long time...
10764027
Thank you. Also, sorry
10764036
Don't be sorry! I never said those were bad images, did I
?
Blasphemy. Preening is reserved only for closest of lovers, not just any guard selected out of a roster.
10764227
Fair point!
Due to the skill and prowess necessary to complete the task to the standards of the ERS, though, there is a fierce and competitive selection process to ensure only the best are chosen for this duty.
10764022 Well, the Royal Canterlot (ahem) Exclamation has been known to cause physical damage to hearing, as well as a blushing reflex that can turn a purple pony a bright shade of pink for over three hours, not that there have been any specific examples of this behavior....
It's amazing.
I'm picturing Twilight's face when she's offered "personal" preening services and laughing my ass off.
Immediately applies to royal guard.
this feels like a committee-approved military manual. Factually correct, and all in all pretty useless in practice. Very realistic.
The title kind of reminds me of "How to preen your chicken"
10764836
TFW someone says something you wrote is useless, but it's a good thing.
10764633
"Reporting for preening duty, princess."
"Preening duty?"
"Yes. Tail or wing?"
"Tail? Wait...what are you doing?"
Excellent story keep up the good work
This is pushing it a little too much.
First, pretty sure that the Royal Attendant Service would be in charge of this thing. There's no way the Royal Guard would be involved in this.
Second, most likely unicorn attendants would be the ones taking care of it, and would probably use their magic and specialized tools for it, not their own mouths or hooves. Equestria is a civilized society, and with the large pegasus population, such tools and services are probably widespread even among the commoners, let alone the nobles and royals. Now, if the alicorn preening oil has some magical properties that interfere with other unicorn magic (dispelling their levitation of the tools for example), then it would be more believable. Still, even if they do it manually because of that, they would still probably use tools, not licking with their tongues (wouldn't that be counterintuitive if the oil can cause adverse effects anyway?). Alternatively, if you have a pegasus who is so good at preening the "traditional way" with his/her muzzle that one of the princesses specifically requests him/her or some noble offers him/her to the princess as kind of an exotic service, that could be an interesting fanfic idea.
Third, preening, even in nature, is a common self-performed maintenance activity, and does not at all induce sexual arousal or mating responses. I know in some fanfics, this idea is frequently pushed. But while I can buy the idea that it shows intimacy between a couple (similar to holding hands or brushing hair), having it outright be sexual stimulation is kind of pushing it. Even in real life, when preening is mentioned as a "courtship behavior", it means that the bird preens itself to make it look attractive. It's a result of mating behavior, not the cause of one.
10765522
Not realistic, but believable. You can have all the fantasy and headcanons you want in a story, but it has to be logical and consistent in its own universe. The idea of some Royal Guards just licking the princesses' wings while they're way too capable of making tools for such task doesn't really fly.
10765507
For sure. This is wholly intended to be a silly comedy fic though, which inevitably won't be funny to everyone for various reasons, believability probably being chief among them. I can agree with what you're saying at face value, but the sillyness was kind of the point of this particular story. Thanks for the insight.
10765531
I guess it comes down to the way you think about how mlp should work, if that makes sense. Personally, I like mlp for cute horses doing cute things, and I thought this fic was able to deliver that; I don’t care much about lore or about the logic in a universe. In my opinion, lore was one of the things that killed the show in the later seasons (especially season 7). But I guess some people like their stories to be more realistic, but most of the time, if u r able to write a good story, I can get pass some of the logical inconsistencies. I just like to read stories for characters, mostly.
Sorry for the long comment, I just wanted to explain my thoughts.
10765105
Discord wrote this, didn't he... Up there laughing his butt back on.
The detail and little nods of humor in this is just so enjoyable! It gives a little lore to a pony's personal maintenance that's pretty interesting! With the way ya did it, it's all awesomeness, and then some! I hope ya didn't mind, but I made a lil' reading of this super helpful guide! ;3
Audio Linkyloo!: https://youtu.be/Lxi9ufvFHGM
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
Removed the references about this being an instruction manual in title and chapter to avoid confusion with the site's rules about posting user guides or manuals (also it's just cleaner looking). Before publishing, I took that to be referring to actual guides (like actual guides for us humans, outside of the MLP universe), or low effort meta stories that have literal bullet-point instructions for something. I've apparently had a lot of grey area fics though recently lol (seriously, three in a row -- I'm starting to wonder why this keeps happening with me), but I didn't think this fit the spirit of that particular rule given that it's in-universe and meant to expand upon its lore in a silly way.
10766719
Awesome! Looks like you're premiering it later today -- I'll see if I can swing by for that!
I'll also add a link to the description whenever it's available.
Equestrian Royal Society sounds like it could be a group of high class ponies, minus the princesses. Or as one of the comment mention, "Princess Twilight wrote this".
And the guard is suppose to perform this job? Could this possibly be either Shining Armour or Princess Cadence trying to get this thing approved before their marriage?
Is the preen oil thing real? If so, I guess I learned something new about birds.
10766744
I took a lot of liberties in what I included and didn't include about actual preening, so it's definitely not meant to be an accurate portrayal of any sort. But, preen oil is absolutely real:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preening
I included the little thing about the glands existing under the wing pretty much just to allow readers to choose another mental image other than the one implied by that
I would have expected there is specialized castle staff for tasks like this, and not a side job for the guards.
But at least that explains why the guards oftentimes appear useless in actual battle: Their training is cluttered with non-combat training.
How about princesses of earth pony origin?
10766876
Yeah that could have been made more clear. The idea was that it's a specialized job that some guards are selected/trained for, like a promotion, but maybe it would have been better to forego that idea entirely. Alright, I've been convinced. Gonna tweak things now lol.
I thought about that, but didn't have a relevant quip to throw in about it.
10766884
I thought having this kind of training for all the guards was kind of the joke.
But I guess it's whatever you decide it is.
Maybe just use "If your alicorn princess is of non-pegasus origin, the aforementioned scenario is unlikely."?
10766890
It was yeah, but obviously people are more irked by it, and I agree it doesn't make much sense. It literally took three edits to fix the issue anyhow (just did so). Also, it gives me more excuses to use the words "professional preener", which I enjoy.
I think I'll just leave the earth pony princess thing out, under the assumption that even in the MLP lore they don't consider it a possibility, since its never actually happened. So why would an instruction manual make reference? That sort of thing. Thanks for reading
*Edit to say I just realized your quote says non-pegasus origin. That's actually perfect, thank you! Sometimes being vague is quite helpful.
**Also fixed the tags. I didn't know there were so many options and didn't want to have none, but they make much more sense now.
I'm glad I coul help!
In hindsight I should have highlighted non-pegasus to make it easier to spot...
10766895
Not sure if "Comedy" and "Random" are fitting for this story.
Same, but to a lesser extent, for "Self Insert".
In case you didn't see it yet have a look at the Tag Guide.
I purchased a very neglected Alicorn Bioroid from a Shelter - a "Luna N.M.M" Model 0. Although the gland stuff doesn't apply, and I need to use a specialized hand-grooming kit -- this manual is perfect; now, instead of being all moody and grumpy, she's happy every day. That Equestrian Royal Society really knows their stuff!
Hm
This made me extremely happy and I will use it as a guide for my alicorn OC. This is to pure for this earth, or Equis.
When I was reading I imagine that the narrator would sound like the audio instruction dude who speaks in most FNAF games.
Btw this definitely was a very nice detail story of Ponies taking care of wings.
Man, now I want to see Princess jump scares lol
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!