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Canterlot has strict princess preening protocols that all professional preeners must follow, and this booklet will ensure you learn to apply them properly. Written and published by the Equestrian Royal Society.
Now with a reading by StraightToThePointStudio!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Why do I get the feeling that Princess Twilight wrote this?
Likely because I can imagine her becoming anxious and perhaps uncomfortable while still enjoying the process. That could be a fun story in and of itself. One I'm sure the local tabloids would be more than happy to print...including timely photographs.
Nicely done!
I wonder what those side effects are...
10763596
I could totally see that. I didn't have any character in mind when writing this though
Highly amusing story! I do so love in-universe text like this. Though now I’m wondering what would happen to a guard with one of those overly friendly princesses. Would also make a fun story.
soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg
10763618
Thank you! I'd definitely read a fun and silly story like that.
That was great.
Kinda feel bad about the princesses though. They find a guard they really like and they get transferred away or forced to quit.
10763742
I felt bad for them too lol. But...from the perspective of keeping a smoothly-running diarchy, ensuring the leaders of Equestria aren't tempted by personal pursuits kinda makes sense lol. I liked the idea of this being a regular issue for them, forcing new guards to be selected every now and then.
10763618
Ask Shining Armor sometime.
120 dB moaning. Those're some mighty powerful set of lungs there
Well... this was certainly original, and the images I have in my mind right now, won't go out for a long time...
10764027
Thank you. Also, sorry
10764036
Don't be sorry! I never said those were bad images, did I
?
Blasphemy. Preening is reserved only for closest of lovers, not just any guard selected out of a roster.
10764227
Fair point!
Due to the skill and prowess necessary to complete the task to the standards of the ERS, though, there is a fierce and competitive selection process to ensure only the best are chosen for this duty.
10764022 Well, the Royal Canterlot (ahem) Exclamation has been known to cause physical damage to hearing, as well as a blushing reflex that can turn a purple pony a bright shade of pink for over three hours, not that there have been any specific examples of this behavior....
It's amazing.
I'm picturing Twilight's face when she's offered "personal" preening services and laughing my ass off.
Immediately applies to royal guard.
this feels like a committee-approved military manual. Factually correct, and all in all pretty useless in practice. Very realistic.
The title kind of reminds me of "How to preen your chicken"
10764836
TFW someone says something you wrote is useless, but it's a good thing.
10764633
"Reporting for preening duty, princess."
"Preening duty?"
"Yes. Tail or wing?"
"Tail? Wait...what are you doing?"
Excellent story keep up the good work
This is pushing it a little too much.
First, pretty sure that the Royal Attendant Service would be in charge of this thing. There's no way the Royal Guard would be involved in this.
Second, most likely unicorn attendants would be the ones taking care of it, and would probably use their magic and specialized tools for it, not their own mouths or hooves. Equestria is a civilized society, and with the large pegasus population, such tools and services are probably widespread even among the commoners, let alone the nobles and royals. Now, if the alicorn preening oil has some magical properties that interfere with other unicorn magic (dispelling their levitation of the tools for example), then it would be more believable. Still, even if they do it manually because of that, they would still probably use tools, not licking with their tongues (wouldn't that be counterintuitive if the oil can cause adverse effects anyway?). Alternatively, if you have a pegasus who is so good at preening the "traditional way" with his/her muzzle that one of the princesses specifically requests him/her or some noble offers him/her to the princess as kind of an exotic service, that could be an interesting fanfic idea.
Third, preening, even in nature, is a common self-performed maintenance activity, and does not at all induce sexual arousal or mating responses. I know in some fanfics, this idea is frequently pushed. But while I can buy the idea that it shows intimacy between a couple (similar to holding hands or brushing hair), having it outright be sexual stimulation is kind of pushing it. Even in real life, when preening is mentioned as a "courtship behavior", it means that the bird preens itself to make it look attractive. It's a result of mating behavior, not the cause of one.
10765522
Not realistic, but believable. You can have all the fantasy and headcanons you want in a story, but it has to be logical and consistent in its own universe. The idea of some Royal Guards just licking the princesses' wings while they're way too capable of making tools for such task doesn't really fly.
10765507
For sure. This is wholly intended to be a silly comedy fic though, which inevitably won't be funny to everyone for various reasons, believability probably being chief among them. I can agree with what you're saying at face value, but the sillyness was kind of the point of this particular story. Thanks for the insight.
10765531
I guess it comes down to the way you think about how mlp should work, if that makes sense. Personally, I like mlp for cute horses doing cute things, and I thought this fic was able to deliver that; I don’t care much about lore or about the logic in a universe. In my opinion, lore was one of the things that killed the show in the later seasons (especially season 7). But I guess some people like their stories to be more realistic, but most of the time, if u r able to write a good story, I can get pass some of the logical inconsistencies. I just like to read stories for characters, mostly.
Sorry for the long comment, I just wanted to explain my thoughts.
10765105
Discord wrote this, didn't he... Up there laughing his butt back on.
The detail and little nods of humor in this is just so enjoyable! It gives a little lore to a pony's personal maintenance that's pretty interesting! With the way ya did it, it's all awesomeness, and then some! I hope ya didn't mind, but I made a lil' reading of this super helpful guide! ;3
Audio Linkyloo!: https://youtu.be/Lxi9ufvFHGM
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
Removed the references about this being an instruction manual in title and chapter to avoid confusion with the site's rules about posting user guides or manuals (also it's just cleaner looking). Before publishing, I took that to be referring to actual guides (like actual guides for us humans, outside of the MLP universe), or low effort meta stories that have literal bullet-point instructions for something. I've apparently had a lot of grey area fics though recently lol (seriously, three in a row -- I'm starting to wonder why this keeps happening with me), but I didn't think this fit the spirit of that particular rule given that it's in-universe and meant to expand upon its lore in a silly way.
10766719
Awesome! Looks like you're premiering it later today -- I'll see if I can swing by for that!
I'll also add a link to the description whenever it's available.
Equestrian Royal Society sounds like it could be a group of high class ponies, minus the princesses. Or as one of the comment mention, "Princess Twilight wrote this".
And the guard is suppose to perform this job? Could this possibly be either Shining Armour or Princess Cadence trying to get this thing approved before their marriage?
Is the preen oil thing real? If so, I guess I learned something new about birds.
10766744
I took a lot of liberties in what I included and didn't include about actual preening, so it's definitely not meant to be an accurate portrayal of any sort. But, preen oil is absolutely real:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preening
I included the little thing about the glands existing under the wing pretty much just to allow readers to choose another mental image other than the one implied by that
I would have expected there is specialized castle staff for tasks like this, and not a side job for the guards.
But at least that explains why the guards oftentimes appear useless in actual battle: Their training is cluttered with non-combat training.
How about princesses of earth pony origin?
10766876
Yeah that could have been made more clear. The idea was that it's a specialized job that some guards are selected/trained for, like a promotion, but maybe it would have been better to forego that idea entirely. Alright, I've been convinced. Gonna tweak things now lol.
I thought about that, but didn't have a relevant quip to throw in about it.
10766884
I thought having this kind of training for all the guards was kind of the joke.
But I guess it's whatever you decide it is.
Maybe just use "If your alicorn princess is of non-pegasus origin, the aforementioned scenario is unlikely."?
10766890
It was yeah, but obviously people are more irked by it, and I agree it doesn't make much sense. It literally took three edits to fix the issue anyhow (just did so). Also, it gives me more excuses to use the words "professional preener", which I enjoy.
I think I'll just leave the earth pony princess thing out, under the assumption that even in the MLP lore they don't consider it a possibility, since its never actually happened. So why would an instruction manual make reference? That sort of thing. Thanks for reading
*Edit to say I just realized your quote says non-pegasus origin. That's actually perfect, thank you! Sometimes being vague is quite helpful.
**Also fixed the tags. I didn't know there were so many options and didn't want to have none, but they make much more sense now.
I'm glad I coul help!
In hindsight I should have highlighted non-pegasus to make it easier to spot...
10766895
Not sure if "Comedy" and "Random" are fitting for this story.
Same, but to a lesser extent, for "Self Insert".
In case you didn't see it yet have a look at the Tag Guide.
I purchased a very neglected Alicorn Bioroid from a Shelter - a "Luna N.M.M" Model 0. Although the gland stuff doesn't apply, and I need to use a specialized hand-grooming kit -- this manual is perfect; now, instead of being all moody and grumpy, she's happy every day. That Equestrian Royal Society really knows their stuff!
Hm
This made me extremely happy and I will use it as a guide for my alicorn OC. This is to pure for this earth, or Equis.
When I was reading I imagine that the narrator would sound like the audio instruction dude who speaks in most FNAF games.
Btw this definitely was a very nice detail story of Ponies taking care of wings.
Man, now I want to see Princess jump scares lol
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!