How to Preen Your Princess

How to Preen Your Princess

preen
transitive verb: to groom with the mouth, by rearranging the barbs and barbules of the feathers and by distributing oil from the uropygial gland.

It is vitally important for all winged creatures in Equestria to adhere to a healthy preening routine, but this is doubly so for royal alicorn princesses. Without this daily ritual, they would not maintain healthy plumage, and it could severely impact not only their appearance of regality, but also their ability to govern effectively. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that a princess stays vigilant in their efforts to be properly preened at all times.

However, preening is often a very laborious and time-consuming task, and it can therefore be difficult to complete whilst attending to royal duties throughout each and every day. As such, it is absolutely paramount that this sacred duty be performed by professionals who have been trained in the art of preening, in order to offset the burden for your alicorn princess, such that they can more easily focus their efforts on other important tasks.

And so, as a professional preener selected for this duty, this is why you have been given this set of guidelines. By the end of this booklet, you will not only be equipped with detailed knowledge of preening in general, but also how to apply the advanced concepts necessary to conform to the highest standards of the Equestrian Royal Society.

Section One ~ The Uropygial Gland

The most important element of the preening process is in proper usage of the uropygial gland. In pegasi, it can be located dorsally at the base of the tail, between the fourth caudal vertebra and the pygostyle. For alicorns, however, the gland can also be located beneath the base of either wing, due to a biological adaptation in sweat glands that is only present through alicorn magic. Either source, tail or wing, is adequate, but your princess may prefer the usage of one or the other, so be sure to confer with them to ascertain their desired preference. Communication is the key to ensuring a satisfactory experience for all.

Note also that in the case of pegasi, oil from your own uropygial gland may be substituted. This practice is not recommended, however, as the amount of oil secreted from most pegasi on a daily basis is simply not sufficient to cover the larger surface area of an average alicorn's wingspan. Additionally, gland secretions from alicorns have a higher shine coefficient due to epigenetic effects expressed via alicorn magic, making them more desirable. In cases where the supply from your princess is running low, though, utilizing your own to finish up is an acceptable solution. If you do, prioritize less visible areas, such as the underside of either wing.

In the unlikely event that both you and your princess have no oil remaining, please contact your immediate supervisor so they can assess the situation and provide emergency reserves.

Section Two ~ Oil Dissemination

An even spreading of preen oil across the feathers of both wings is vitally important for maintaining a homogenous look and feel for your princess. Their coat must remain in pristine condition, as there are certain expectations of visual appeal put upon royalty that have arisen naturally over time. Aesthetics are not the only concern, however. Without taking care in the application of preen oil, you risk the possibility of your princess becoming lopsided due to extra weight on either wing. This can lead to several problems, the most dangerous of which is improper wing load during flight.

An alicorn has a large wingspan, which aids in their ability to fly faster and stronger, but can also make them considerably more susceptible to turbulence whilst operating at high speeds. As such, an even distribution of preen oil across the surface of your princess is extremely vital to accomplish. To ensure this, it is recommended to apply your licks to either wing in even increments. For example: ten licks on the left wing, then ten licks on the right, and so forth. By following the ten-ten rule, it is unlikely that your princess will become unevenly loaded. Note however that using too many licks per wing, or too little, is unadvised. Too many may result in you losing track, and too little per wing will severely impact your ability to perform the duty in a timely fashion. Many variables can affect the pace of this operation, so treat ten licks per wing as a guideline, not a hard rule.

When applying oil from the uropygial gland to alicorn feathers, ensure that the material is deposited from base to tip. This is to avoid several potential issues, such as ruffled feathers, uneven coating, and general discomfort. Your princess will be expecting a calm and relaxing experience, so it is important that you maintain a slow and steady pace as you transfer the oil from tongue to feather. However, also be advised that princesses have busy schedules, so ensure your pace does not encroach upon lackadaisical either. Use your judgement to assess each particular situation accordingly, as every princess will have a different tolerance for the tempo of your services.

Section Three ~ Princess Courtesy

Preening can be a complicated practice in more ways than one. In pegasi, for example, preening is occasionally utilized as a courtship behavior. Therefore, it is very important to keep things professional, as it is unavoidable that you will be in close physical contact with your princess for prolonged periods. Over time, you and your princess will share the natural bond that would come from any daily shared ritual, but it simply cannot be overstated that you must remain professional at all times.

In the event that your princess appears to be displaying courtship behaviors towards you, it is your duty to politely dismiss these actions immediately, then report the situation to your supervisor after finishing the preening process. In most cases, you will simply be reassigned to another position, but in the event that your princess continues to pursue you further, your resignation may be necessary and you would receive a modest severance package in compensation for your misfortune. As unfair as this may seem for our beloved princesses, it is for the good of the nation that their interests remain focused while in governance.

If your alicorn princess is of non-pegasus origin, the aforementioned scenario is unlikely. However, if your princess was previously a pegasus, sudden cuddling may occur sporadically throughout servicing due to ingrained mating behaviors, depending on a variety of other factors that are ultimately out of your control. Take special note, however, that this is different than courtship behavior, as your princess is simply undergoing a conditioned response. Should this occur for you, it is important to remain calm. You will be alright so long as you simply wait for your princess to stop before resuming your duties as normal, as interrupting their mating behavior may result in adverse emotional reactions.

Additionally, there are a few precautions you can make to avoid spurring spontaneous mating behavior. Avoid the wearing of any scent which contains traces of lavender, for example, as this is a common alicorn aphrodisiac. Do not apply more than three hoof-pounds of force at any time during preening. Similarly, do not apply less than half a hoof-pound of force at any time during preening. Other methods are available, but your results will likely vary. You may consult your supervisor for further advice in this area if desired.

In the event that your princess experiences a tickling sensation, do not panic, as doing so may actually exacerbate the situation. Instead, simply remove yourself from the vicinity of the ticklish area and allow your princess several moments to compose themselves. Once this area has been serviced, you will no longer have to worry about it.

If your princess makes auditory noises during the preening operation such as sighs or moans, continue without alteration in the process, aside from the scenario outlined above. This effect is normal and expected, but some princesses may feel a sense of embarrassment regardless, so it is vitally important that you take care not to point it out, as doing so could compromise their emotional capacity and risk affecting their ability to govern the nation. If your princess reaches volumes in excess of 120 decibels, however, it is recommended that you temporarily leave the area, as prolonged exposure may damage your hearing. Ear plugs can be supplied by your supervisor in particularly difficult situations.

Section Four ~ Miscellaneous

Throughout the preening process, you may occasionally be presented with a variety of rare occurrences. For instance, in the unfortunate event that your princess loses a contour feather or it becomes damaged beyond repair, apologize immediately and do your best to prevent this from happening more than once per week. Offering a replacement of your own may seem like a noble thing to do in such a situation, but please refrain from doing so. Despite this being a natural part of wing maintenance, your princess may feel a sense of discomfort, or even loss, in the event of feather displacement. An alicorn's plumage is often tied to their sense of pride and self-worth, so it is paramount that you take this reality into account when these unfortunate events do occur. Provide ample time to grieve if necessary, and if your princess seeks consoling, you may provide it in the form of three to five pats against their upper torso.

If you accidentally apply too much preen oil to a particular location, this may be remedied by carefully spreading it to adjacent feathers. If, however, those feathers have already been serviced, you will need to siphon the excess oil using your mouth. Please be advised: consumption of preen oil is relatively harmless in small amounts, but should you swallow more than several droplets, contact your supervisor immediately. If you experience any dizziness, you may need to visit a hospital and seek immediate care from a poison control specialist, as this could be a precursor to delirium.

Lastly, under no circumstances should you apply preen oil to any location other than the feathers of your princess, including but not limited to: their mane, their tail, their ears, their hooves, or their flanks. Preen oil is meant only for proper feather maintenance, and its application elsewhere may result in unintended side-effects.

Section Five ~ Conclusion

Overall, preening is a simple but necessary part of life for your alicorn princess. Your duty as professional preener is of the utmost importance, and as such we expect that you will perform it to the best of your abilities. As a carefully-selected preener, your close but professional friendship with our nation's princesses is absolutely vital. But at the end of the day, we hope that you take pride and joy in your duties, and wish you only the best as you continue to carry out the small but important role of preening your princess.