• Member Since 5th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Tholamas


The world renowned writer of such great works as "What am I going to write?" and "It's rubbish, start again."

Comments ( 166 )

Damn, this is deep! I really want Celestia to be wrong though. But a devious human sounds good too...

I have to say this, but in long description you wrote 'Adoption', when I think you meant, 'adaptation'.
Adoption being when you take in a child that is not your own. And adaptation is changing yourself to better live in your surroundings so you can survive. Just wanted to point that out.

I hope this is a battle of words and tactics instead of the usual physical fight. This celestia not jumping to instantly attack him because of what her instincts are telling her has me invested immediately.

My god 26 observers at the same time is a new personal record for me to witness.

They had to make sure these horrible things were destroyed to the very last. Anything killed by one of these monsters would soon after rise with the same blind hatred for all living things as their puppeteer. Wearing the faces of loved ones. Turning friend against friend, family against family. One becoming two, two becoming four, four to eight and so on, spreading like a plague that would consume the world. The necromancer may be gone but not dead, still possessing of the perverse version of life he held. These creatures, a mockery of what they once were, filled her with a loathing she could not describe. Never growing fatigued from battle, they know not fear nor pain, or having to eat or sleep. Devoid of all conscience and consequence. Driven forever onward by their masters pure and unbridled desire for power and destruction. His will being done even with his battle lost. She and her sister would make sure the last of his influence would end this day. As well as all those in future hence who stood in there righteous path in defiance. All those like him that at the cost of all would seek power for domination and power's sake. All those who would through iron fist and fear wish anything but death for themselves.

Sooooo... zombies?

I would laugh if at the end it just turns out human emotion/dreams have no magic to them and that’s why they can’t feel or see him and that he has actually been trying to keep the criminal underworld under control to make the world a better place for all!

I know that’s not going to be the story but I think it would be a funny twist.

This is great! other than a few spelling/grammar errors, this story flows perfectly. hope to see more of this :)

hold on a minute let me see that one more time....

15,543 words. One Chapter.

oooh, it's a long haul kinda story huh?

Haven't started reading the story yet, but the description tells me this is exactly what I want in from a HiE fic. So, here's to high hopes! :pinkiehappy:

Pinkie Pie, it is with sincerest joy that I congratulate you on finding some...one with whom you can be happy and with the very same sediment I extend my congratulations on to you

Ha! Sediment instead of sentiment, because she lived on a rock farm!

SRY

The biggest f-you to Celestia would definitely be if his feelings were genuine. It would be an extremely subtle twist of the knife to her, in that she couldn't do anything about it, it was something she doesn't or can't have, and messing with it would alienate the EOH. The best lie being that of the truth.

Also this story so far is good, really good. Thanks wordsmith!

I am behind the the main char. being a cold a calculating person because of Celestia and Luna. In a alien world, that looks like the dark ages, and a population fearing and are naturally avoiding or lashing out towards the unknown. How do you survive,,, power, you make yourself needed.

I believe Celestia fears him because of all the 'children' she rules, he is her equal, a unknown that more or less can make or break her little perfect empire. I personally hope that when Twi,Pie and Shy ask him about the things Celesita and Luna told them about him, he tells them of Luna and Celestias sins to keep the peach.

There is no innocent immortal.

But then again, I could be wrong and hes a complete sociopath.

Personally, I get the feeling that this human isn't what Celestia thinks he is. Regardless of which direction this story goes, I'm curious to see what happens next. :twilightsmile:

Squealing about mind magics being a rape of self and then she has her sister patrolling dreams for un-harmonious and individualistic dreaming?
Grogar against the world or just ponies and their allies? And taking into consideration Sol Invictus flash frying anyone not supporting her ponies, it's not so much allies as rulers protecting their people.
A singular individual not of their realm shows up, so of course he's going to make himself useful and create a support base.
tia is digging her own grave

No matter where the story goes after this I'm gonna be unable to picture the human as anyone other than this bastard.
i.imgur.com/6h8g4qY.png

Now this is an interesting story. Celestia could very well be an unreliable narrator, seeing as her past experiences with the human are poor. However there is always the chance she as right is people, especially immortal people, rarely change at their core. I'll remain nuetral for now.

Oh God Yes!

Here’s my expectations for the story to come. A lengthy explanation from Celestia’s perspective (presented as flash back over multiple chapters), followed by some melodrama (a couple chapters tops), then a few chapters of Shade sharing his perspective (also as flashback), and concluded with either a happy wedding or broken hearts.
I could see this being a thing where shade once did truly fit Celestia’s mold of him, but has since grown into, if not good, at least a better person. There is so much potential to take this so many different ways, and unfortunately, I’d like to see them all.

I don't think that description could have been more edgy if you tried.

so far u got me hooked with the intro

Princess Celestia sat upon The Golden Throne.

Is she also being fed the souls of a thousand poor sods every day?

Story is AWESOME! I look forward to reading more. Xd
I hope celestia is wrong, and that shade really does love them. :fluttercry:

This story is a hard one to like.

The prose are good, and the description is fantastic but it's so dense and poorly structured that its litterly hard to read. Paragraphs go on and on and on, well past the point that they should have been split into two, three or even four smaller ones. Sentences sometimes dont lead into one another, a stylistic choice that should be used far less then it is and leading the story to be even harder to read than it already was. Or the story will spontaneously switch direction and briefly dive into some characters backstory with little prompting only to wrench you right back out before you know what's happening. The flow is decent enough for the most part, but when its bad its real bad and makes the otherwise wonderful descriptions and great prose an absolute slog to get through.

This story would really, really benefit from an editor, or at least a look over or two by the author, specifically in order to increase the readability and flow of the story itself.

This writing style reminds me of stories like War and Peace or A Tale of Two Cities.

It is very difficult for a modern reader to get through. The story itself is fantastic, but the text walls and for lack of a better word... “prose” makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

If you are struggling to break the paragraphs apart, I recommend reading this out loud and starting by splitting paragraphs that take 20+ seconds to say aloud. Then, get an editor to help.... make the wording more concise. There are many groups here dedicated to helping authors out.

Just remember, it’s not the length that matters, it’s whatcha say with it :duck:

BRAVO! Amazing setting and plot! I absolutly cannot wait to see how this unfolds!

You know I was just thinking do we have a story showing the beginning of our wayward human. Then you hit me with a flashback chapter. It's like you're in my mind

9934611
Im glad I could provide.

Whether you're using speech recognition software or typing by hand, one should still proof read their work and eliminate any errors they find.
I commend you for using something that works for you, but I find the QA (quality assurance) to be lacking.

9938110
I would have thought it apparent but I do indeed proofread. The explanation was more in regards to the nature of the mistakes made and an acknowledgement of the time with which I have to correct them. There's also the fact that I am human and therefore flawed, not possessing an outside perspective when in the editing process means that there are bound to be mistakes made in both the writing process and the correction of it.

9938771
I apologise if I came on as holier-than-thou or antagonising.
I just felt a need to let you know.

9939067

You needn't apologize, all is well.

Okay:
Very long, And deep paragraphs.
An overly calm MC.
And an engimatic plot....
You're british aren't you sir?

Or a very good writer. (the way you constructed the first two chapters reminded me of Daniele Steele's and Tom Clancy's books

10041400
I'm not British (born and raised in Las Vegas) I do however thank you for the compliment. As for the paragraph length, I write as to what feels natural to me.

Hey, tia! Ever hear of little thing known as a self fulfilling prophesy? Because it sure sounds like you're doing your best to make one happen

10052780
Isn't that how it always goes? Fearing the creation of a monster from someone who 'has the potential to become one' (what does that even mean) gives rise to the very monster they feared to begin with?

so he is a satyr while using magic

Celestia made a big mistake here. She all but told all the noble family's that 'if I don't approve, i will ignore the law's that I do not like. And you can do nothing about it.'

With 1 move Shadow showed the nobles of Equestria that you cannot trust the royals. They are not on your side, and the laws they they wrote does not apply to them. This is how revolution starts.

This will also hurt her relation with the elements, slandering and unjustly incarcerating their loved on with nothing more than a hunch, and then threatening with death. And them knowing that the princes will break laws and sanctions to get her will. How long will it take for them to start to fully mistrust Celestia because she has an ax to grind with the human ?.

I have a feeling this whole plan is going to backfire, her intent to turn them against him with what is for all intents and purposes a biased perspective; will likely only solidify their relationship.


I think that is his plan in the end, he knew this would happen thus he is letting it happen for the sake of his relationships with the three. This also shows them her unrelenting hate for him AND gets his past out in the open without him having to tell it as it likely hurts him to talk about it.


I bet if Cadance were to come around again, she would feel unparalleled love and compassion from him for the three. He has likely not taken any romantic interest as he knew Celestia would do her damndest to kill it at its start.


I can’t really, honestly, understand her hatred for him. So far it would seem he has done nothing to really warrant it.

10053183
She essentially committed political suicide, and considering her opponent is a fellow immortal, he likely isn't going to forget such a blunder any time soon.

10053242
Ah but there in lies the problem. Metaphorically speaking, the night is still young. Perhaps this scene was showed to the girls for context as it might be difficult to grasp future information without this foundation. I look forward to what this story has to offer. It has captured my interest.

10053792

True, but I don't think Twilight or Fluttershy would have agreed to form a Herd with him even at pinkies request if they thought he could be a Danger to them. Fluttershy more then Twilight, as she tends to shy away from those that she thinks would hurt her.

But I think we will have to see, I will be VERY Disappointed if they turn on him. He seems to be Genuinely Happy and I fear what will happen should they fall to Celestia's Bias.

10053880
I’ll have to agree that it would be a huge disappointment if we find out in the next chapter that they would turn on him so easily. Luckily, I find such a situation unlikely to happen. Otherwise, all that build up would have been a waste of time. Taking such action would be very unwise.

However, in saying that, we cannot yet throw out the possibility of manipulation. After all, we find out in this chapter that Shade hasn’t really been all that forthcoming with the girls about his past. Only now are they finding out that there is beef between him and Princess Sunbutt. That may just be a power-play from him though. Considering how long they’ve know and studied each other, it’s not too far off to say that he knew this would happen and that she would take this course of action, in turn playing right into his hands.

No doubt you’ve seen the comments, chief among them Celestia’s questionable choice of disregard for her own laws. All part of his plan. An interesting thought would be if wether he would consider a partnership with Discord or not. At this point in the present, we are not sure if Discord has been reformed or is even free yet. I assume not since Flutterbutt makes no mention of him.

10054288

Maybe, but for all intents and purposes the beef seems one way. I have yet to see anything even close to Shade being intentionally hostile towards Celestia and all we have seen in terms of perspective is what Celestia has so far shown though memory and that is likely biased though her perceived thoughts of threat.


For all we know, Shade HAS told them some if not all of his past. But knowing Twilight, she wants to hear Celestias side of the story and is keeping quite, Fluttershy is likely following Twilight and Pinkie is...well pinkie and has likely read the Authors script :facehoof:


If this is a manipulation on Shades part then what does he gain? Celestia has said in he doesn’t care about the gold, influence, rules or leadership/ruling and if he is as invested in the country’s industry as she said he is then trying to depose her and her sister or hurt her and her sister’s reputation and trust from the nobles and commoners would only hurt him in the end.

10054695
Is it truly one way though? He is a human after all, and he is being portrayed as the scheming type. Perhaps he is one of those characters “who just want to watch the world burn.” Perhaps he does have a grudge against Celestia for something. The point is, we don’t know what the beef between them is in the first place. The bias on Celestia’s part is a given, though he could be using her bias as part of his plan.

In saying that, we as the reader have been a neutral party to this whole story, an outsider looking in. We are starting to see the events through Celestia’s eyes but have yet to see Shade’s perspective too. Perhaps Celestia made a brash decision that ended up hurting him because she thought she was trying to protect her citizens.

My theory is that he is slowly trying to undermine Celestia’s control over her country by turning all those close to her against her. By showing them that she isn’t the infinitely patient ruler they thought her to be he can slowly gain their trust while lowering their opinion of her. Maybe he doesn’t want the throne, maybe he just wants to see Celestia thrown off her high horse (pun intended). Maybe this is one of those revenge stories where he reveals his intentions to her when she has utterly lost the battle with no hope of regaining what was lost. This is all in speculation of course, it’s too early to be making assumptions.

10054744

Being Human doesn’t mean one is manipulative, from the way she has described him he sounds like a mix of Tony Stark and a Roman scholar.

He has had what? A thousand years to build up his reputation and undermine hers? If that were his goal he could have done it by now.

Got any ideas or speculation on what she has done to him?

10054753
When I said, “He is a human after all” I was merely implying that there are a metric shit ton of stories on this site where humans are portrayed as the conniving type. I meant nothing by it. From what little I have seen from him, I get the evil madman with secret plans to usurp the throne vibes from him. Kind of a Scar from the Lion King type character.

He is immortal, why rush? He has all the time he could ever want to slowly build up his connections and influence. Perhaps later on in the story we find out that he has his fingers in, like, 90% of Equestria’s industrial businesses. I’m just throwing out possibilities, a shot in the dark.

An interesting thought just came to mind. What if he is the reason Sombra gained his dark crystal magic? I mean it’s a little hard to believe a unicorn could somehow muster the strength to go up against an Alicorn. What if Sombra was a failed experiment of sorts? That could change everything considering Sombra has personally affected the lives of the mane six respectively.

On the terms of what she might have done to him... he did mention spending some time in that cell he was in. The Celestia in this story seems to be of the cautious sort but she doesn’t necessarily think her actions through all the way. A prime example being Shade’s unjust incarceration as well as her showing the girls the flashbacks. Perhaps she may have exploited him in secret for a number of years in that dungeon. Perhaps she used him for experiments. After all, it looks as if it’s not everyday that you come across a being without a magical core and still be alive. And she did mention that he had incredible regenerative abilities. It’s a stretch but it’s still plausible.

Maybe instead of coming out with her mistreatment of him, Shade elected to remain silent about the situation and get revenge in his own way. Keep in mind, before the whole incident in House Star, most if not all the nobles were on her side. If a hairless ape came running out into the streets spewing nonsense about how their fair and just ruler experimented on him they would just think him crazy.

10054828


Hmm true, guess we will have to see.


As to your Sombra idea, while good, Sadly couldn’t have happened. Sombra was pre-Nightmare moon and was one of the reasons for her. If he is going off the timeline I think he is, then it would had been Discord > Grogar > Tirek > Sombra > Nightmare Moon. It’s already been referenced that He showed up Post Nightmare by some of Lunas statements.

Login or register to comment