- Member Since 26th Jan, 2017
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
Some Leech
I...I am a monument to all your sins...
Some Leech
Joined 26th Jan, 2017 ·
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Nice
Very well done. The characters were generally solid (sole critique is that I would have thought Anon should be a bit more concerned about "how do I get home"), Mayor Mare was well done, the setting was good, and the action was hot. Nice job!
9505978
Well, I kinda had him in shock, which is reflected by the existential breakdown he had later. Still, thanks for the compliment!
Huh. No kink list this time...
Very strange indeed.
9506019
Shit, you're right!
Fixed!!!
9506007
The existential breakdown was a very well placed thing, and definitely was a big part of my affinity for your Anon. It went a long way towards making him feel real. As I said, his lack of focus on getting home was really my only meaningful complaint, and a fairly small one.
9506034
That's a fair point
*<>* this was nice . 9/10
You absolute madladd!
You disgust me....
Good story so far. My only problem is that the main character kinda accepted pretty quickly that he was in another world.
Reaching far into the anal cavity and pulled out a story I genuinely enjoyed. Minus the smut. Although that hoof holding doesn't help your cause
A serviceable story, Leech, but I have a few criticisms:
Firstly, this story's Anon is not an interesting protagonist, and the manner in which the readers are introduced to him―a lone human suddenly waking up on the outskirts of Ponyville―has been done ad nauseam. Everything was too safe, never leaving the beaten path even for a step.
There was nothing for me to particularly dislike about Anon, aside from him being almost aggressively generic personalitywise, but by that same token there wasn't much for me to like about him either. He felt more so like a tool driving the story forward―mostly because he seemed to be an audience surrogate for an audience that is already familiar with MLP and his inner existential conflict is touched on but never really addressed―than a character who had his own unique quirks and experiences to bring to the table; this is likely because much of Anon's acceptance of his new lot in life is told to us rather than shown.
The next time you attempt a story like this, my suggestion is to shorten the story to a smaller number of impactful scenes that develop the characters as opposed to listing all that transpires from first contact to final scene but rarely elucidating.
Secondly, the dialogue was stilted and unnatural. It's understandable that there would be some awkwardness initially between strangers, yet a lot of it felt clunky. Take this scene from the third chapter as an example:
Twilight comes across as dim for not understanding the concept of nicknames, and the rest of the conversation is quite forgettable. The readers know there is nothing at stake and Anon quickly snaps from being a man who is nervous and slightly fearful of how he will be perceived by a "living demigod" who could decide his fate with her authority, to someone who "[sees] no need to be formal" when in Twilight's presence.
Thirdly, and this is by and large my opinion, the relationship between Anon and Mayor Mare just didn't click for me. The romance seemed forced despite being the focus: there was no conflict between them and their interest in one another was nigh instantaneous. And then they fucked. With the way the story was presented―with Anon being whisked away from everything he knows and coming to terms with his new life in Equestria, and Mayor Mare being the shoulder he could lean on while at the same time finding herself more and more reliant on him―it was a bit jarring.
Overall, this isn't a bad story, but if anyone else wrote it it would have been met with much more lukewarm reception because of its pedestrian presentation. It could also use a touching up in the editing department (hmu, mate). I know you're capable of far higher quality than this, Leech, because you've proved it on multiple occasions. Best of luck with your next venture.
Cute read. May want to change this though:
I'm enjoying it so far. ^^
Very nice I like how anon started to feel the shock of his situation, makes him feel more believable as a character.
9507102
Fixed
This was good. I wish there where more stories about her.
Nice.
I'm sorry but romantic hoof holding is just too lewd a kink for me to bother reading.
Just kidding, I enjoyed this alot. Not enough Mayor Mare fics out there!~<3
9506640
Shock is a hell of a drug. Either that, or he's seen enough to genuinely not care.
9506640
truth. The story is really cool, really good. but this fact makes it look like he has not been pulling out of his world and put on another one of colored mini horses, and it does seem like he has been traveling on vacation at his beautiful cousin's house he had never seen
This story was super cute, ah wouldn't have even minded no sexy times. Though that there romantic hoof holding was a bit much. Ah found mahself gettin' mighty warm at times. Had ta fan mahself a bit. Fwoosh.
Well this is cute so far
9508725
I kind of agree on the sexy times thing. If possible i would of had two stories. The first part here would be how they eventually hook up here. Then the next story would be the lead up to them bedding each other. But still this ain't bad either
While not breaking into new territory, I have to say that you enjoyed this story. It was nice to see Mayor Mare presented the way you did.
In some ways, I think of this kind of story as a home-cooked meal. Nothing too extravagant, and you know what you're going to get, but it's still something you enjoy.
9506640
Also why is there Thousand Island dressing just randomly in Equestria?
An excellent story, I rarely find a good Mayor Mare work that I enjoy. I hope you do more with her she’s one of my personal faves.
Good stuff. It's actually pretty close to my own idea for a Mayor Mare x Human story. Right down to the human ending up her assistant for a lack of better work, and her needing more help around the office. Could have been longer, but it wasn't just a one-shot at least. Wouldn't say no to a possible sequel either.
I'm seeing more Mayor Mare content, oddly coinciding with my own sudden interest in content featuring her.
Nicely done! Much love to the, "Single Mature Mares of Equestria"!
Why is the character called Anon if the story is written in third person? Why not give him an actual name?
9511292
Think of it like a super generic name, like "John" or "Tim"
9511292
To counter your question, why bother giving him a name? Anon is a widely accepted idea and saves effort of creating a character when its the story they are going for. Thats my thoughts anyway.
9510390
For the same reason there are apples. A perfectly Earth-based foodstuff. Granny Smith apples, no less; the branding is important, there.
You know, this almost feels like reading a ponified version of the TV show God Friended Me. Which is one of the most heartwarming, sugar-sweet shows I've ever had the pleasure of seeing, not the least of which it's all about people who go around doing random acts of kindness for others. I'm thrilled to see this through to the end, and afterwards, I'll be looking for more stories focused around Mayor Mare, I expect; though I might not find many quite as good as this.
Mayor Mare stories are always appreciated.
I know that this is a clopfic and all, but in my opinion they are getting too curious too early. And the fact that Anon just walked instantly into mayor mare was unfitting.
Thats why anon fics that are at least few months with him in equestria already are more belivable
9514722
)
There are jumps in time between the chapters.
Still relatively fast paced, sure, but it strings along decently. (I think
9507141
I guess it was an aftershock of comments from first chapter
I am reading this late at night, but i cant help but groan aloud because of equestria girls beeing canon in this fic (i know its stupid but thats just me). Also, twilight flying, hard to imagine that
9514824
Wheeze
I'm surprised someone pointed out the EQG thing
I Love it already
Nice turn of events
Very nice story
A inferno of passion
i love it 
9526430
Glad you enjoyed it!
It’s beautiful, mayor mare is such a good pony.
Such a good story! As usual, you never fail to impress.
9514824
Right there with you on the EQG.
very good