• Member Since 27th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Synesisbassist


Just someone who has way too much time on their hands, so they write about ponies! Gotta pass the time somehow when you're truckin'.

Comments ( 24 )

Cannot wait to read this later~

Congratulations Syn, Happy Holidays.

Dusky

YAY I hope we can see another story in this saga down the road! Keep up the great job Syn!

Lovin' your stories as always bud! Merry Chrysleras and for as long as you keep up with your awesome writings, we'll be here to read 'em!

With eager eyes,

ShadowmancerElite

Moxie's Bar

*Goes inside*

*Sees a jar labelled 'Insert your tip'*

*Yells Zer0 quotes*

Contains: (flashback of death and blood)

9366921
Best. Comment. Ever.
“ You just set off my trap card ”

I.... don’t know if them fucking was the best time to tell a story about how a pony was murdered. Time and place, man.

9367647
I don't think you really know how to read? There was tags, and a warning at the end of chapter 1 stating you could skip chapter 2. :twilightsmile: Tempest probably isn't a stranger to the darker side of life, so I don't think she would have minded the story of how YOU got hurt. But thanks for reading anyways, your feedback is appreciated!:yay: And remember! YOU can DO it!

9367701
Just didn’t think it fits within the moment. If there was a tag that said “discussing subjects including murder while having sex,” I must have sped past that by mistake.

So slam a chick at Christmas, get stabbed, boss loses an eye, Tempest comes back one year later with a kid that's mine, and for some reason we actually love one another? Like really, really love one another despite zero communication and complete lack of knowing anything whatsoever about our likes, dislikes, goals and aspirations.

That's a terrible set up. Drama and story could easily have revolved around them learning to be together because of their kid and wanting to do the best for them. Instead I am reading through this as if I am supposed to buy that I love a girl I nailed once and she's dropping a kid on me. There is absolutely no real narrative reason for the past drama with characters I don't care about (Moxie being a minor blip in a Christmas Clopfic) when the current situation could have actual compelling reasons to be emotionally invested in.

Can't get past the first chapter and a half without wanting to quit.

9367647
Wait, that's when they discussed it? Hot damn I am happy I didn't read that far. I wouldn't have any problems steading about dark stuff, but any time near sex? Nothing gets my motor running like recounting the one time my boss and I got assaulted.

9369031
Kind of does a disservice to talk about how his friend and boss LOST AN EYE, much less about how you killed a guy, all while having sex like it’s just a funny anicdote.That’s the kind of disrespectful shit on par with playing a game on your phone during a funeral.

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

Gotta admit, it is a huge tone shift from the original and I'll agree with another reader that the focus is off. Someone showing up after a year and presenting a child after a one night stand should produce a lot of drama and that really should have been the main point of the story. Instead we have a sickeningly sweet reunion almost venturing into purple prose territory on describing just how much the protagonist loves Tempest, contrasted in chapter two with the recounting of the absolutely crazy bar fight (not to mention he's supposed to be being sucked off while he's recounting this, that's wrong on several levels unless they're both nuts) which just doesn't sit very well.


I get the appeal of wanting a follow up story released at Christmas and having it set a year later to match the real word but I'm afraid it just hasn't worked here. A much safer bet would have been to have the two go on some sweet Christmas-y date either the day after the last one or exploring how a more conventional relationship had panned out through the year.

So glad to see a sequel. Love your way of telling stories. Keep it up!

Comment posted by JediAlexColbent deleted Dec 28th, 2018

I’m sorry it took so long to work up to commenting on this, but I thought I’d get time to sit and do a proper read through since I skim read the first time and that didn’t happen ‘til now.
First off, I do like this story. While I think it has a few pacing notes that you can learn from, such as revealing what happened to Moxie, the bar and a few other things very quickly, these can be very easily worked on in future stories. If you think there’s a plot point you want to say, hold onto it until it aches if you don’t. Hint but don’t tell until the last possible second.
What I love about this chapter is it isn’t ‘hi,’ ‘hi,’ sex. Not that I expect that from your writing, but there’s other authors who do. The other thing I like is the nuances; it’s not just a meal, it’s a meal he got from his family’s own recipe. They don’t just walk down a street, they follow a street covered in twinkling lights and tinsel. It doesn’t tell the story but it does paint the scene for you, tells you who these characters really are. I love that. More of that, definitely.
Lastly for this chapter, I personally wanna know where Tempest has been, what she’s done, who she met. He wasn’t there to help her bring Sparkler into the world, so who was? Maybe Sparkler is a clue. Maybe she did want to come home sooner but she was trapped... I wanna know. :3
Onwards and upwards
All good things
Dusky

Wow. Okay, I really like this second chapter, I just think it feels like it is in the wrong place.
Whereas I said that the mentions of the fight in the bar felt too early in chapter one, I felt they would have worked better if the two chapters were swapped around. If you had made this chapter one, then followed with YOU going back to the bar and finally reuniting with Tempest, the reader would then feel as though YOU have had a journey to get to the reward YOU deserve.
Howevs, I do like this chapter. I think the pacing here is perfect, again; nuances (the mention of a friend’s bad experience with a boss, the blue mare (Dash? Or Trixie? Or just some blue mare... felt like there was a hint there I missed) and the rainwater. Nice touch.
You can do action. Hope I get to see you write more scenes like this in the future.

All good things,
Dusk

Man, you write clop on a level I can only aspire to reach, Syn. I still have a lot to learn from you.
This is a really nice ending to this story. The relationship between them works for me, between the sex and afterwards as well.
My only nitpick is that the chat they have at the end is a bit cheesy, but that’s only because I’m a single, grumpy old scrooge who gets fussy about a bunch of ponies and humans talking about their feelings. :rainbowlaugh:
I do want to read more of YOU and Tempest, as well as the ideas from the first chapter about T’s journey to this point.
Can’t wait to read more Scoots / Luna Switched / the future.
All good things,
Dusky.

The butt stuffing was awesome, but it was a bit weird up against the discussion of death and violence. And the love story is a bit of a stretch too,with only having met once and hooking up for a one-night stand. Have a like for the ass-banging, but the other stuff stops it from being a fave.

Loved the first story, happy you did a sequel. However, are you going to explain in future stories how the reader character knocked Tempest up? Was there magic involved? I have a feeling the only way for a human and a pony to conceive a foal would be with some kind of intervention, because they're probably not genetically compatible.

I do hope you write more of this story out. Its really good.

I really enjoyed this. I would love to see this story continue. Throw in a few time skips some family drama and we got ourselves a damn good book!:scootangel:

Login or register to comment