Meet our new friend. He wakes up in the hospital with a major case of amnesia and because of a series of events, he’s tossed back and forth between PonyVille and Canterlot and sometimes even further. His trials won’t be pretty and I can’t guarantee that there will be any friend that can fully comfort him. Will he make it or lose his sanity to an ancient overlord that defies all logic? Only time will tell.
Next of the series: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/442335/spirits-new-life
Artist: Mix-up
FIMfiction link: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/195663/Mix-up
DeviantArt: https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
My DeviantArt: https://www.deviantart.com/darkshin1171
Chapters (40)
I know what's it like to write on something that isn't a pc, in my case it was a ps4, but the chapters isn't bad and I see potential in this Story and if a user called DAMN HAMSTER writes something, just ignore it, you don't want to be part of a flam war with him.
9321265
Thanks so much. I meen it. But after i submited it, i got feedback saying there was a lot of syntax errors and i am no good at seeing it. I don't even know what that is. I forgot. That's why i need an editor.
I will try to make the next chapter as soon as i can. But i have school. I also stream youtube and twitch. It can be busy. Firsy chapter took 6 hr straight.
No kidding, bro(ny)
. You definitely need one, no offense.
Looking for Editors
Editors-r-us
More editors
EDIT:
I've seen this time and time again, it's no excuse and it doesn't work
9323364
Plus the fact that sugarcoating criticism or going easy on it won't help you improve. Only constructive criticism will help you; pointing out the bad while offering advice to improve.
9323397
Yah you are right. I just didn't want to see them untill chapter 2 is done, which should be done tomarrow if not tonight.
Would you be willing to join MegaMan Battle Network: Chrono X as a spriter?
9323364
Surely you are not suggesting that harsh criticism is justified or appropriate, as it would, by definition, be cruel or severe. That is anathema to the stated mission of this site. It is a reasonable request, which unfortunately has to be made. Your observation that an author who requests that critiques not be harsh doesn't work is more of an indication of the commenters' deficiencies than the author's. Perhaps instead of making conclusory comments, you could offer substantive and constructive criticism.
9338512
even though he might have been rude about it, he does kinda have a point.
9338512 Bro(ny), spit out your dictionary,
1. Harsh criticism = bad
2. Constructive criticism = good
3. Telling people no criticism = pointless because some folks are going to give it either way, some will be even more inclined towards the harsh side if you tell them "First story, no criticism please." Furthermore, see #2. If all the feedback a writer gets is "Great story, dude! Rock on!" then their ability to improve their writing is significantly reduced. Positive feedback is good, but critical feedback can be so much more if a writer takes it to heart. You can't learn to walk without tripping a few times.
4. (And this goes to 9339107, as well) The writer asked for editors, I provided three links to editing groups on this site, that hardly qualifies as "making conclusory comments."
9339607
I know that constructive criticism is good. I allow that. that is why i did not block you.
9321796
You can get a proofreader here
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/]The Proofreader Group
I'd do it, but I'm not much good at Romance (life has kind of soured me on the subject)
+ not really crazy about most HIE
Criticism is one thing, but IMO you don't have to be rude about it. The author is doing their best.
Oh & THIS is what a negative review looks like
http://twain.lib.virginia.edu/projects/rissetto/offense.html
Hey darkshin, I had this problem when I first started writing as well, and I found it much easier to use your notes (or even a word processor app), then copy and paste from your document to the website.
For me on my samsung, I use Polaris Office (Should come standard with a Samsung phone, though i dont know about the new ones)
Your italics seem to have failed in the middle of this block. The italics suddenly run to the end of the chapter.
Easiest citizenship test ever.
The ones I've seen you have to study for years... Ah well, moving to pony world will be easy then!
9354117
because It wasn’t a test, they just needed some basic information for the paperwork. however, I really love the fact that I finally got some comments about the story itself and not about my shit writing skills.
Hmm...
Running away from your problems will never be the solution to them, bud. Get back there and face Twilight.
Okay, last chapter I said to go back to twilight and face your problems, but...
This is a good indicator that your should run.
Fast, too.
...
...Or not.
9355890
you think? he lied to twilight about having a home at all, which also was disobeying Celestia in a way if you remember what she told Spirit before she teleported him to Ponyville.
9354111
when I started writing this story, I was under the the impression that sometime italics were used when a character is thinking.
When's the war?
9359071
I can neither confirm or deny, as per info in author's note.
Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN
9359310
okay, congratulations, you just cracked me up for .034 seconds with that comment.
again, please post any predictions you have on my user page. I would love to see what you think will happen. Of course, I will neither confirm or deny any of them.
Okay I have to stop here for now, for several reasons to be honest. I haven't read this chapter yet so I don't know if any of this is in this one.
1. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!
2. the pacing is a bit too fast, one second he's in the hospital and the next he's not. I'm sure I'm not the only one missing alot of context there.
3. we haven't gotten this guys name or backstory and that unfortunately makes it rather hard to empathize with his plight, normally the protagonist is named and at least minimal backstory to explain in the first few chapters and so far I haven't seen any of that yet.
So with that being said I will check back on this in a month or so to see if it has gotten any edits since now. will comment again after checking back in though.
9369790
Well, there wasn’t much for him to stay in the hospital for, and Celestia named him herself after finding out he had no memory of his life before the hospital in the chapter I’ve became a citizen.
I will admit that I was a bit speedy in the beginning now that I think about it, along with how shity my writing skills were, but if you truly think you have to wait, I can understand somewhat.
9370421
i'm not hating the story i just think it could've been fleshed out a bit more, this is not the worst story i've read by far. the biggest piece of advice i can give you is describe the environment like what the inside of the hospital looked like to him and him comparing it to what he might consider "normal".
One other thing is he seemed not surprised by the fact that he was a pony, you might wanna reread through that part and do a bit of editing. Otherwise this is a good start minus what i said here and in my previous comment.
Edit: I see this is your first story so I wanna cut you come slack as I wasn't very good when i started out myself, hell I haven't finished many of my stories and of the ones I DO finish none of those are published cuz they were personal projects for close friends, I will offer any help i can give to you. I often help writers do edits or help with brainstorming since I know it's difficult to get started on your own, especially on your first story.
I like seeing new faces start writing, the amount of non clop stories coming out with promise have been dwindling rather quickly, sad to see it happen but now about 70% of what comes out is smut and I'm not into that, so most of the other content has dried up as of late. Don't get me wront I don't hate on clop in stories, but when it's the sole focus that's just something I can't find myself investing my time in as theirs no substance there.
So in short, if you find yourself needing an editor or proof reader or someone just to bounce ideas off of send a PM and i'll get back to you when I can.
The story started repeating itself.
9391583
Really? Well, I guess It might seem like that at casual glance, but I saw it as an opportunity to revisit a friend. No telling how long he will be at Ponyville with his magic lessons with twilight. It’s what I would have done. If you remember, Silent Taste was his first friend and I thought it would be important to have Spirit keep up with that when he can. I know that I said I would not give spoilers, but I will say It is going to be a long time before he comes back to Canterlot.
that’s what I thought, anyway.
9391583
but you are right, now that I think about it, it is sorta Deja vu.
9391646
Coolcatnate meant there is a section of the chapter that is duplicated. Not that the story is repeating a encounter from a previous chapter. Looking at it, it's almost like one was a first attempt at ending the section, as the second one expands more organically instead of simply ending.
9391881
thanks. I’ll edit that.
9392107
Glad to help.
Your best bet is to pass the text through Grammarly tool, it will help you locate and fix most common typos and errors.
9441075
thanks, I’ll keep that in mind
Right when she planted that kiss, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I broke out bawling in a way that was worse than Twilight
What the fuckety fuck is this fuck.
9466661
now I purposely did not explicitly go out and say this in the story, but I have made our little friend, Spirit, have a sort of mother complex of sorts. Normally, people can keep that under control, but if you're in Equestria with no memory of your personal life, I would imagine that one would be really sensitive in a moment like this.
9466661
also, thanks to your comment, I noticed that there was a little detail I accidentally left out. so, thanks.
9467540
Not my intention. But glad to help
9467543
are you grinding my story? Though it may sound weird, that makes me happy. with the daily shit I go through, it’s the small things like that that help me out. always feel free to comment. Not only does it let me know if I’m doing something right, but I always look forward to seeing it.
9467554
Alright I will look for those things. Have a juice night or morning or something, IDK its 12:40 in the morning here
9467560
I’m not saying you have to go out of your way, or that it has to be helpful, I just want to know what the person reading thinks of things at the end of the chapter, so just do it as you go.
9467564
Oh.......alright
Hum the quality of the writing has improved a lot sense you first started out, at least it's a lot more interesting to reading when things where finally moving along beyond just settling in and adjusting. Still I would love to draw Spirit in his butlers uniform if given the chance, if you are ever looking for commissioning a cover art for your story please let me know through a PM and the link to my DA gallery is in the link just bellow. Keep up the good work, I can't wait to see what intrigue he will find himself into as service of the princesses and hope this will be the focus of the of the story along with the comedy and shipping.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Great story, can't wait for more chapters!
9507240
thank you, because I haven’t received any comments (for 5 or 6 chapters) before this chapter, I was beginning to think that no one had any interest.