I got Fucked (now edited)
"Fuck me" I moaned as I slowly began to wake up, noticing a few things right of the bat. First, my vision is blurred. Second, I can hear the beeps of the heart rate monitor, impossible to not recognize. Third, I could not feel my hands. And if that wasn't enough to make me start panicking, then the last thing I noticed sure as hell triggered it, an unbearable spike of pain that surged from the center of my forehead sure as hell did the trick.
It was at that moment that I began to scream. It was ear piercing. Such high pitch, that for a moment I could have sworn that my ears were about burst. Said burst sending the eardrums themselves shooting out like popcorn.
The pain must be dulling my awareness of my surroundings. I detected movement around and heard yelling. But the pain, like an X-Acto knife being used to carve on a wood art project to add extreme details except it applied to my flesh, I just wanted it to stop.
"Oh buck, by Celestia, he's awake. Send help and alert the higher-ups. NOW!" The voice sounded feminine and still professional even while panicking. Must be the nurse.
"Help me, please. It won't .... It... It won't....go away." I begged, but she did nothing, frozen to the floor in terror at he display before her on the bed.
Despite not being able to feel my hands I still made way for my attempt to rub my vision clear, but before I could do so I felt something plop down on my stomach and my vision was cleared and focused. What I saw sitting on me was but one of many surprises yet to come. I found a pristine white pony perched upon my stomach. Her main and tail being a cotton candy pink she seemed to be wearing a nurses hat with a red medical cross on it. I also noticed that the same symbol was on her hindquarters, but too much was going on for that to be on the list of things to worry about.
But then, I felt something press upon my cheek with such grace and warmth. And for some reason, it helped dull the pain and suppress the tears that I wasn't aware of until now. And what made me calm down finally was, after deciding to ignore the urge to question how, hearing her words, words that offered comfort.
"Sssssh now... Everything is going to be just fine." right when the heart rate monitor signaled that I was relatively calm, she dismounted my torso and made her way to the door, but before she made it to across the room, said door started to glow, then open.
What I saw beyond the said door wasn't what terrified me, though shocking as it was, but the raw powerful energy I felt as it filled the air.
The nurse gasped and bowed before the newcomer, said newcomer being an intimidatingly tall white pony with wings and a horn, upon addressing her as: "Princess Celestia. As you can see the stranger you asked to be observed has awoken. Though there was a slight problem just now..."
I tuned them out while I inspected my body. With what I discovered during my self-inspection was enough to cause me more than just worry and confusion, that being given away by the heart rate monitor, as I found that where there should have been hands and feet there were hooves. Along with the rest of my body resembling a pony. Fur, tail, mane, long ears, the whole shindig. White was the color of my coat and I also had blue ‘stockings’. But then I found something different when I checked my forehead for clues as to what caused me such pain. My hand, or hoof, bumped into something hard.
"Oi, did some asshole glue something to my head with a hot glue gun thinking of it as nothing more than a prank? That bloody hurt you know." I don't know how, maybe I said it in a way that came across as rude rather than the rambunctiously joking but cross manner I meant to convey, but that reminded them that I was still there and earned a scowl from the nurse. I was starting to think I might have crossed the line when the larger pony cleared her throat.
"Please leave us nurse Red Heart." Nurse Red Heart than left with a respectful bow, and the door shut. All was silent as I tried to see if I could read pony faces. Just from her eyes, I saw willpower, followed by a contemplating look. It seemed she was having a hard time thinking of a way to start the conversation.
"Look" I started, "I can see clearly that you want to talk but I need a mirror first. " She then had a questioning look on her face. So to clarify I added " Because as I have stated earlier some bloke thought it would be funny to glue something to my head with a hot glue gun. Just to make the prank painful. Don't say there's nothing there because I felt it with my hoof and I want to know just how humiliating an object they choose to attach." I finished while tapping on whatever was on my head.
Then Celestia chuckled."That's your horn silly."
"My horn?" I froze stiff in terror. I believe she noticed how I felt because she obeyed before I could repeat my request. Then I saw it. A long horn sticking out of my head. It was still loaded with pain but I still it. I stood up off the bed in front of the body sized mirror for it to show me my full image.
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I know what's it like to write on something that isn't a pc, in my case it was a ps4, but the chapters isn't bad and I see potential in this Story and if a user called DAMN HAMSTER writes something, just ignore it, you don't want to be part of a flam war with him.
9321265
Thanks so much. I meen it. But after i submited it, i got feedback saying there was a lot of syntax errors and i am no good at seeing it. I don't even know what that is. I forgot. That's why i need an editor.
I will try to make the next chapter as soon as i can. But i have school. I also stream youtube and twitch. It can be busy. Firsy chapter took 6 hr straight.
No kidding, bro(ny)
. You definitely need one, no offense.
Looking for Editors
Editors-r-us
More editors
EDIT:
I've seen this time and time again, it's no excuse and it doesn't work
9323364
Plus the fact that sugarcoating criticism or going easy on it won't help you improve. Only constructive criticism will help you; pointing out the bad while offering advice to improve.
9323397
Yah you are right. I just didn't want to see them untill chapter 2 is done, which should be done tomarrow if not tonight.
9323364
Surely you are not suggesting that harsh criticism is justified or appropriate, as it would, by definition, be cruel or severe. That is anathema to the stated mission of this site. It is a reasonable request, which unfortunately has to be made. Your observation that an author who requests that critiques not be harsh doesn't work is more of an indication of the commenters' deficiencies than the author's. Perhaps instead of making conclusory comments, you could offer substantive and constructive criticism.
9338512
even though he might have been rude about it, he does kinda have a point.
Hey darkshin, I had this problem when I first started writing as well, and I found it much easier to use your notes (or even a word processor app), then copy and paste from your document to the website.
For me on my samsung, I use Polaris Office (Should come standard with a Samsung phone, though i dont know about the new ones)
Your best bet is to pass the text through Grammarly tool, it will help you locate and fix most common typos and errors.
Okay, I realize I'm late to this party, but holy crab this chapter needs some editing. There are a handful of basic mistakes in the first sentence, and that's not a promising start. I realize it's hard to get things perfect on the first run while not using a proper keyboard - I've facepalmed more than a few times at the dumb mistakes I let slip past me when typing on my phone - but I struggle to have much sympathy when more than few of the mistakes should have been taken care of by autocorrect. If you're not even just looking over your writing for basic mistakes, what else aren't you putting care into?
9532175
sorry, when I made this chapter, I had a fucked tablet being the only thing at my disposal. I guess that I should go back and edit it.
aaaaaa
I've been reading a long story for a little while and have finally finished it (along with a few others)...
Now I'm back and I dont remember anything... Time to reread. (Then read the 19 new chapters I've missed).
...
I'll start tomorrow, though... it's currently 2am so I really should sleep lol.
At the end of this chapter I can just hear him saying "Oh fuck me...."
This here, this is the most jarring part of the chapter. It's probably because of how it was said. Celestia, prior holder of kindness just said that to a guy she was comforting a few minutes ago.
Then I used my head, and realised that she laughed because
1) He had joked just 10 seconds ago.
2)He understood her at a glance and treated her as an equal,which let her feel instinctivly relaxed.
It's not unusual that she decided to go along with it.
9792876
Well, you see, I have came across a few times where it has been proposed that Celestia would rather enjoy the company of being treated as an equal. So I thought I would experiment with the concept. The result, I had fun and decided to make it a thing.
As I'm rereading this for the first time in years to be ready to continue writing, I decided I'd start leaving a comment after every chapter for my now a days trash opinions.
I do have to say God I was fucking gringy trying to follow the Metta of silly scencorship for one of those lines. I also remembered while typing this up that I couldn't make up my mind of him still keeping some stereotypical brittish slangs. As funny as they are to say aloud, gotta wonder how long it took me before I was too busy too keep it up and drop that. I do remember that I kept tea being his favorite drink to keep the British connection going through the series.
I also remember at one point considering shipping him with nurse red heart later on, but then made other ocs to keep the flavor somewhat up there and avoid stuff people have already seen hundreds of times.