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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh shit discord is pissed
Those two could have blown up the ship from literally miles away. Why are the humans acting so stupidly?! Their big advantage is weapons and yet they aren't using them right!
2749074 shut up and enjoy the story. I am not in the mood right now.
Damn this took a while to make. This can only get better because I mean... new update!
i36.photobucket.com/albums/e46/jabrecko/epic-fail-photos-dating-fails-aww-yeah-drop-it-low.gif
2749146 missing a scene
:/
Marcus hulking out on runic magic would make Wolverine piss himself in fear.
Also, there's a bunch of missed suffixes and letters scattered around the story.
Anyways, I love the origin story of Equus and the explanation for its unusual geocentric system. Nice link to G1 MLP with Tirek too!
The flashback and the conversation between the three princesses was bonechilling. I shudder to imagine what would happen if Dark Twilight Sparkle found her way to this Equestria.
So canon Discord may end up allying with canon Equestria and Humanity? This should be interesting.
Eagerly awaiting the next installment!
This here chapter needs quite a bit of editing.
A bunch of tense errors and such are prevalent.
Aside from that, it was quite good.
The only other complaint was that not much actually happened.
Yes, there was an action packed flashback, and another informative one.
But not a lot of progress was made, you know? They just got to Discord at the end of this huge chapter.
2749378 I was forced to use my phone to write, and any attempt in fixing fails miserably as the internet app shuts down before I can do much.
Still I appreciate the response.
2749361 a idea about the sun spinning around the planet was in my head for awhile. TB3 and I had the same idea about making it seem that the planet just hot shoved off orbit after a huge battle.
2749414
Oh lawdy. I feel for you.
2749414, damn, I have a lot of respect for you now, writing a 13,000 word chapter on a phone!
awsome update
2749140 Don't bite my head off when you literally asked for feedback. Think it was just a little nitpick? Well here's my thoughts on the entire story of late.
First up, is Marcus who is...well. Boring. He's still the overpowered meat-head who's stuck in a "HULK SMASH!" mindset outside of the flashbacks, which by now, have taken up over half the story. He's still overpowered, the runes having absolutely no downside to them that he actually has to watch out for in battle. Mild-discomfort is not a flaw, especially since it doesn't stop him from fighting or effect his performance. I mean he even gets to use magic even when it's not being directed at him any more.
On the upside the backstory did flesh things out a bit more. Quite frankly, I want to no more about Stephen. He gets to kick ass without the superpowers. He's kinda Batman to Marcus's Superman, complete with Supermarcus being kinda bland in comparison.
I know you've said we'll learn the downsides to this runic power, but we haven't even hear whispers of it yet. Quite frankly each of Marcus's action scenes get more and more over the top, so learning the actual downsides would be very good at leveling him out as a character. Because without that, he's really comes off as more of a power trip fantasy, thrashing the evil TCB ponies with one hand while holding his dear wife, Cheerilee in the other.
holy crap! cant wait for the new chapter
What a morning to wake up to a update! Can't read this now! But will later.
2749458stop complaining and enjoy the story. I tried my best damn it, I was forced to use a phone and tried to introduce a weakness..in a roundabout way.
So my bad.
I figured, magic limit and runic burn out would suffice, Sry I wasn't clear on that.
2749458, from what I gather, the runes greatly enhance his aggression, which is simultaneously an advantage and a disadvantage. In addition, it looks like overloading them could kill him.
And there's the fact that using them pretty much ensures some pretty bad scarring.
Fucking awesome sauce! Can't wait for the good guys to open up a can of whoop ass on the Solar Tyrant.
2749482 Except it's never mentioned that overloading them would kill him and they seem to have an incredibly high threshold for overheating considering they didn't even come close to overheating in his battle with Celestia and Luna. I mean Luna throws a killing blow that he shrugs off. using a visual indicator doesn't work well in a story. it works fine for video games or movies, but here it really needs to be told and not very lightly implied.
2749481
Do NOT ask for reviews and responses and then tell people to stop complaining about the story. You literally asked us to point out what is wrong with the story. Don't be that kind of hypocrite.
You know I've been reading this story since it was first posted and overall I still mostly enjoy it, but this chapter was the straw that broke the camel's back, you've got a good idea and some good writing behind it that is entertaining to read, but you've got some serious pacing issues. As it stands right now, your flashbacks and side plots heavily outweigh the actual main story and it's really pulling your plot all over the place. This chapter alone spends half its length on yet another flashback, and the present time scenes just meander around with characters talking about the past and don't really resolve anything until the final few paragraphs. Ever since about chapter 3 you seem to be hellbent on avoiding advancing the plot in any meaningful way or you seem to want to write an entirely different story and are reluctant to get back to the whole "canon equestria and earth fighting TCB Equestria".
Honestly, the whole trixie spy and spike rescue subplot could have been accomplished in a about a quarter of the amount of words you used. It was an entertaining read, but it dragged on way more than was necessary. By about chapter 8 I had honestly forgotten that canon equestria was even in this fic, you seem to care a lot more about meticulously detailing the past of your human OC and writing about the TCB verse than following the plot set up in your summary. It might also be partially because you've got a long time between updates, that certainly seems to be dragging things out as its took over 6 months to get back to focusing on the actual main character of the story, and even then he mainly appears in this chapter through yet another damn flashback.
I really want to like your story, it's well written and the story is much improved over its original incarnation, but at the rate its being written it'll be 2014 before any relevant conflict happens between canon and TCB Equestria, and even then, at this point, I'm expecting that half the chapter will be dedicated to yet another unnecessary flashback or we will start seeing the dreaded flashbacks within flashbacks, or we'll see another 20k words dedicated to another side plot. Ahh well at least you seem to be getting back on track now, I can only hope that things actually start moving along now because like I've said earlier you've got a good story, you just seem to be doing everything in your power not to tell it, rather another story solely about TCB Equestria versus earth.
2749548 whoops. He he. Sry about that. Most of the next chapter will explain the who and why and the how.
But it will pick up near the end and move forward once more. But I am trying to answer many questions, but the only place I figured to put it is in the first few chapters.
Next chapter will be more or less the same, but it will begin to move forward once we move past it.
Sry about that.
I have to agree with 2749548 on this. While I love this story, there are just way too many flashbacks. I know that showing what happened on Earth is important, but when half of every chapter since chapter 3 is either a flashback or a subplot that could have been, and honestly should have been a lot shorter, and then the rest of the chapter barely advances the main plot or not at all, it's gets pretty aggravating. It's gotten to the point where I have a strong urge to just skip the flashback when they happen.
For example, was the, I'm guessing about 6-7000 word, flashback in the beginning of this chapter necessary? All we really learned is more about the runes Marcus has and how they're applied, and that the humans have a bomb that uses magic. And the rest of the chapter was, for the most part, back story about Equestria, Tirek, and the Alicorns. Although, I have to give you points for using an extremely creative way of how the pony potion works. And man, I can not wait to see Discord kick some ass.
Rage...
Quaint.
Huh. Thank God that's featured. No info about update showed on my page.
2749626
Hey hey no need to apologize, like I said I am still enjoying the story, but like I said, its well constructed and even well written, but the pacing is all over the place. Let me break it down into numbers. The average novel is approximately 70 to 150 thousand words in length, door stoppers like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix weighs in at a hefty 255 thousand words and that is considered way outside normal at nearly 3 times the length of the average children's/ teen's published story.
Your story as of chapter 8 weighs in at a hefty 82,266 words, to give you an idea of how long that is the first Harry Potter book is 76,944 words in length from beginning to end. Your story is exactly 5322 words longer than the entire first Harry Potter book. That published novel managed to detail the first 12 years of Harry's life, introduced him to the wizarding world, and described his entire first year at Hogwarts, from making friends, to foiling the plans of Voldemort to obtain the Philosopher's stone. Those roughly 77 thousand words managed to convey the basis for all the future books and resolved the stories central conflict in a way that made it one of the most popular children's stories in modern history.
In your 82 thousand word story so far your main character has: been transported to canon equestria, attempted to kill both the mane 6 and the princesses, get caught in a mind spell that has caused celestia to apparently suffer from Rampant flashback syndrome, and has just now this chapter woken up to yet another confrontation. It has taken you over 80 thousand words to write what most novels accomplish in the first 3 chapters and in less than 20 thousand words. That's not necessarily a bad thing and depending on the story an author is trying to tell it can work really well. In this stories case though you've described it in the description as essentially "human OC gets taken to canon equestria and gets the canon ponies to team up with earth to kick the crap out of the parody of equestria that anti-TCB fics love using". What we've currently got after 8 months of writing and a considerable 82 thousand word story is roughly 3 chapters following the stories original premise, followed by 5 chapters of complete derailment into a completely different story that can basically be summed up as, "humans fight evil Equestria, with a side order of Trixie Lulamoon, super spy". Neither of these are bad stories and by themselves would make good stories on their own or as side stories to this one, but they don't add anything to the core of this story and can basically be skipped without missing anything essential to the core plot.
Let's break down the 2 most egregious examples of this so far, the chapter 8 flashback and the Trixie subplot. The flashback in this chapter was completely unnecessary and even if it was integral to the plot, went on several thousand words longer than was needed. Flashbacks should be short and only used when they are conveying something vital to the main stories plot, the only time really long flashbacks work well is when it is used to reveal something that is critical to our understanding of immediate core plot points. What exactly is the purpose of this chapters flashback? Is it to introduce us to Stephan? Characters should never be introduced in flashbacks, why can't we meet him later when marcus returns to earth? If he's already dead or been turned then he can be introduces and explained later in the story by Marcus rather than through a flash back. Was the point to, Like celestia says after the flash back, to see how humans fight from a first person perspective? Why can't this be shown after canon Equestria shows up on earth, as it is it just comes off as Celestia gushing about how badass and awesome humans are, it doesn't add anything to the story and a reader could literally skip the entire multi thousand word flashback and miss nothing.
The trixie sidestory is interesting and well written, but I have to ask myself, why is it here? Why could this story not be explained after marcus returns to earth, or better yet weave it into the main story instead of having it stand by itself. Imagine if the story had taken place after canon Equestria meets earth and the mane 6 or maybe shining armor and some guards are sent to TCB Equestria to help a resistance spy, who just happens to be Trixie. Now the side story is tied into the main plot and acts to show the canon ponies how things are different in TCB Equestria. If Twilight or some other canon pony or ponies is there to witness the horror of the new foals and the conditions that Spike is kept in; that provides both the readers and the canon ponies with the view of just how evil TCB Celestia is. With how it is now, you've given the readers a view of TCB Equestria, but the canon ponies are still in the dark, so we now have to do the same thing twice to show the canon ponies something that you've already spent 20 thousand words showing the reader. There is really no reason this side story needs to take place in such detail without being part of the core plot, including the canon ponies also allows you to show their reaction to Trixie Lulamoon, super spy, and all the inherent comedy that could come from that meeting.
I know this stupidly long post may come off as very negative, but like I said, I am still enjoying the story, and I still think it has great potential, so many anti-TCB stories just turn into Humanity, Fuck Yeah! and honestly end up making me hate both the humans and the ponies to the point I just want them both to wipe each other out. Your inclusion of the canon ponies helping Earth fight the TCB ponies, is interesting and so far well-written, but like I said earlier, you seem to be doing everything in your power to avoid telling us that story.
2749629 All I can promise that it will be really quick because it will be Discord explaining the missing portion of history, setting it straight.
Pinkie helps...somehow.
Marcus still has a story to tell, which actually deals with Lyra's counterpart. It will tie in everything and the story will soon be flying by the seat of its pants afterwords.
2749843 if you can deal with one more chapter similar to this, then you don't have to worry about after this.
There will be three viewpoints going at the same time at one point of the story, one on Earth, one in Canterlot, and the last dealing with the Crystal Kingdom.
Two of them will have epic battle going on
One will deal with revelation to be expose
And one cursing King.
So, Discord's angry. I think Khorne just shat himself.
And when Discord meets Tyrant Celestia...
2749906
Reminds me of a funny Angry Marine quote...
"When I meet that motherf*cker I'm going to have Khorne on the COB!"
finally a TCB where the author tells us what happened to discord i hate that he's never brought up in most TCB because im sure all that chaos evil celestia causes with her actions against humanity would free him in an instant
So ... many ... errors ...
2750416 WATER FOR THE KHORNE FIELDS! LET THE ACRES DROOOWN IN IT!!!
I love this story because its something I have wanted for a while, The Manestream (pardon the pun) ponies vs their TCB selves, I like the exposition in this chapter as it shows the consequences of Marcus actions on others outside of Ponyville, I also keeps the main story going by providing information on what led up to Marcus arriving in Equestria, finally we get background information on Equestria itself, and more importantly, what powers the Tyrant Sun.
Celstia is right, the moment she is finished with earth her parallel will come to Equestria for the same reasons, the only way to stop her is to fight back, and follow Discords advice, some evils are better removed from the world...permanently
There's a few typos I've noticed. You may need to get an editor to fix them. Such as 'they' missing a 'y' at one point during the story. Another than that it's a nice update.
As much as it pains me canon Celestia is right, you need to study and find your enemy's weakness before doing a potently suicide mission (think Mass Effect 2) against them to save the Human race. Rushing in may sound good, but often it doesn't work out well.
typo's aside I think its great!
2752131 O.k. Skip the next chapter when it comes out.
Holy shite, I just had an amazing idea. The Human forces have specially trained Runic Warriors who specialise in one extremely powerful spell, like a fire-storm of some kind. Think legendary Destruction Magic from Skyrim.
I see you are aware of mistakes which you are somehow unable to fix ... but let me just note for you the ones I found so that you have easy access to both the errors and corrections when you CAN fix them.
They casted out
-I believe "cast out" would be correct.
"Faust work day and night,
-"worked"
could of been."
-"could have"
Faust and Tirek unleashed their largest magical attack at one another.
-Unless they only had a total of one attack going off between the two of them, I believe it should be either "attacks" (one each makes two, plural) or "each unleashed" (they are each launching only one, singular)
Faust attack.
-"Faust's"
force the planet
-"forced"
I also agee with Zervziel and, now that he's pointed it out, eternallybored as well. The flashback stories are often entertaining (Trixie) but can also drag on for so very long, with no obvious need for them to exist (yet). Saying "just one more chapter full of them" doesn't make me feel better about the prospect of reading thousands of words of gratuitous flashback. Please at least try to see if you can't structure your stories so that they don't need nearly as much of them in the future.
Redskin, before you post the next chapter, I strongly suggest you sit down at a computer and edit out all the niggling errors. My enjoyment of this chapter suffered greatly due to it.
Great chapter. This story just keep's getting better.
Well,an interesting TCB Variant, that's for sure.
BUT as others pointed out already: Get to the Point, and get your Flashbacks straight into the Time where they actually helpunderstanding something that is happening right then.
And this whole mess will then be conveyed with a "In the Meantime, Celestia assumeda Meeting with her Lead Military Personnel and the Elements of Harmony, to prepare them for the Way of fighting that was to be expected"
or something like that, 10.000's of words of Memories, handled off in a measly chapter later... this is ridicoulous, and also withdraws from us the Reactions of at least the Mane 6 to certain Events in the Humans Past.
but anyhow, go on, but anymore References to NOT NEEDED Sidestories (i understood nearly everything in that small arc w/o reading the Side Story)... dunno, then i'll reconsider the fave and like you got for now
mfg Nordic
ps: get your German straight, it's meine Liebe, as he's still talking about a female, mein is for males...
2754239 Considering Redskin wrote this monolith of a chapter on a damn phone, I don't mind the grammatical stuff so much. A quick trip to a library or someplace else with a public computer with an internet connection can fix that.
Mistake here:
“That, he large amount of magic in the very air and ground of Equestria would kill them.”
>There is no "The" in Celestia's comment.
I thought we would finally see how Marcus gets transported into Equestria, but it was suddenly just simply explained by Celestia, after Luna interrupts her so she can answer the question. I thought we would see Marcus's last encounter with TCB Twilight before she sends him into Equestria and then the plot will get kicked back up in the next chapter. But at least they already met Discord so they could figure out what to do next and it's surprising that TCB!Celestia killed her Discord, that is what happened right?
Marcus's encounter with Shining is interesting, but I'm confused why the mane cast (save for Twilight and Fluttershy) are not trying to explain to him about what happened in the Library and cool him down and opted for letting the two fight each other. It's like Marcus's hot-headedness is contagious or something. But I am proud that you made Rainbow Dash trying to hint that this whole thing with Twilight's brother is a misunderstanding to him. Strange though, I guess it's just because Rainbow Dash and I are a bit happy that she's not the one rushing in there with a misunderstanding.
I'm sorry to say but I have to agree with 2749458 about the downsides to Marcus's runes yet all we got is hints and bits of it that are too little to hold water in this court. I mean you had Stephen actually asked why the other soldiers didn't get this yet, but was simply glanced off to talk about how their respective armor and abilities will help them commit suicide when it happens. The only thing that I'm guessing is that Marcus will DIE when the story comes to end due to the runes making his life end sooner than it should be, because you marked the story as tragedy which also means this story will end either too sadly or a very bittersweet ending that no one comes out of this mess unchanged.
Discord is taking off the kiddie gloves? This is gonna be messy.
Hmm, I'm feeling story crossover inspiration...
Alright! Just got back early from vacation due to Mono. But this makes up for it.
2752151
The Solar Tyrant is like the evil superman from the game injustice: gods among us.
I would like to see celestia confront the Solar Tyrant similar to this. see the video below:
Are these characters going to make an appearance?:
Gilda
Iron Will
Zecora
Prince Blueblood
Snowflake
Grogar
Screwball
2749534
I'm gonna have to side with Zev on this. If you want feedback, be prepared for criticisms and complaints. Actually, to be honest, I didn't expect to hear such comments coming from an ACBer. Granted, I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, if only a little bit. Besides, criticism, even if thrown at you with the grace and tact of a bulldozer, can still be helpful.
2749843
Now THAT is a review. In fact, I'd call that an honest to god Critique! for you my good sir.
Anywhosit, this chapter was enjoyable to read, even if I was starting to think the flashback would take up the entirety of the chapter.
Now, two pieces of advise.
1-Don't have the pace go from slower than a snail to Mach 5. This will quite frankly (and reasonably so) annoy people. Sure, the pace does need to pick up, but "flying by the seat of our pants" might not be the pace speed we need right now.
2-Set an average word per chapter limit, like say 5000 words per chapter. Also, work on condensing unimportant details and fluff. If you can do it in two sentences instead of four, do it.
For the next chapter, I'd personally set a goal of between 6k and 8k words.
Yeah! Can't wait for the next chapter! This is pure win.
My one question, and one I'm uncertain will be answered positively after everything this story has done, is whether Harmony will actually win.
Not just Harmony for classic Equestria.
Not just Harmony for Earth.
Not just Harmony for humans and ponies together from the two "good" worlds.
But Harmony for the twisted Equestria.