• Member Since 15th Jun, 2014
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Show Stopper


Aspiring writer, extensive reader, fantasy buff, brony. "Not all who wander are lost."

T

Sunset Shimmer ran through the mirror seeking two things: an escape from Celestia, and a way to get revenge. Meeting up with these strange creatures called "humans," she can say with confidence that she has accomplished the first of her tasks.

Now a student of Mahora Academy, Sunset, or Nichibotsu Hikaru as she's now called, must navigate the overly eccentric life of class 2-A, all the while keeping an eye out for any signs of magic. After all, how is she supposed to take her revenge without...

Wait, what do you mean their teacher is only ten years old!!!

(Familiarity with Mahou Sensei Negima is not required to understand this story, but it will definitely help.)
(Featured June 26! Woohoo!)
(Featured October 14!)

Chapters (22)
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Comments ( 275 )

As a Fan of Negima, I must say you're off to a pretty decent start. Granted Sunset hasn't exactly had much of an impact up to this point, but she's an otherwise powerless girl in a world of Superhumans and Mages so It'll come with time.

Granted I'm a little surprised Sunset isn't being a little more on the selfish and manipulative side, but considering she's surrounded by super strong and smart people, it's unlikely any trick she tried would work all to well. Also hoping you DON'T pair Sunset with anyone or atleast not Negi, that'd be Cliche as hell.

Also I agree with Sunset the translation of her name to Japanese is a rough adjustment since the Japanese name doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Still not bad

Curious to see how Sunset progresses, possibly learning about Ki and Martial Arts from Fei Ku. That'd be pretty cool and Sunset is the type who'd wanna learn as much as possible.

Either way nice start.

Personally I'm not a fan of changing an existing character's name.

8606079
Thanks for the feedback. I left a few hints about a crush for Sunset, but it will, unfortunately for her, go unrequited.

As for ki... :pinkiehappy: I do have some plans.

And for her lack of manipulation, she's fairly new in the pond. She's still got to scope it out and see just how big a fish she can be. Plus she's had the LEC to befriend her from the start; they've been a good influence on her.

8606143
Neither am I, but what else can you do? Equestrian is utterly unpronounceable with a human mouth and throat, so she can't even go for "Sunseto Shimma" or something like that. *shrugs*

Le-gasp! The story's first dislike! But why? Why would you ever dislike this story AND NOT GIVE ME A REASON TO HELP ME IMPROVE?!?!?!?!?! *sobs in a corner*

Uh... Sunset a way too approachable and far less bitchy that usual without any apparent reasons.
And why exactly she chose Japanese name whene everyone know that she definitely not Japanese?

This should be fun... already calling it. Evangeline is gonna shit stomp her... cause that little loli bitch aint no ones bitch.

Okay... Sunset pre-friendship laser personality pretty much scrapped and throw away for the sake of faster integration of Sunset into class 2-a. And it feels more like I deal with OC who shared a name with Sunset rather that Sunset herself.
Her softening to Nega also a waaaaaaaay too fast. In canon, she spends years manipulating and being all round unpleasant bitch but here she suddenly grows a conscience in spans of... what, weeks? Why?

8606459
Recall that in EQG, she was able to step out of the mirror and immediately begin her manipulative work. Here, she didn't know the language. She started completely from scratch and was forceably humbled by it. She's had half a year with the Library Exploration Club as her friends before Negi arrived where in EQG she didn't make friends with anyone. All of this adds up to her having a slightly more mature personality than she did in EQG.

As for her name, I already explained it in another comment, but what else was she going to do? Equestrian can't be spoken with a human mouth (my headcannon for this story as shown in the prologue) so her only option was to translate her name. And since she is learning Japanese first, it wouldn't make much since for her to translate her name into English.

It would have been fun to see how 2-A reacted to EQG Sunset, but this isn't her. This is what she would have been had her first 6 months been entirely different. Her base personality is the same, but muted by the last 6 months.

8606390
Oh? What makes you think Sunset will have something to do with Eva-chan?

8606582

Here, she didn't know the language.

And how the fact that she needs to learn language change her nature?

She started completely from scratch and was forceably humbled by it.

She pretty much starts from scratch in canon. Well, besides the fact that she knows the language. Why learning language humbled her? What the reasons?

She started completely from scratch and was forceably humbled by it.

In comics that you used as a Sunset backstory, she pretty much ignores everyone in SGU and refused to make friends. And she studies there for years. But after she goes thru mirror she suddenly fine with making friends? Again, why? I don't see anything in fanfic that brought such major change in her personality.

where in EQG she didn't make friends with anyone

Yes, because she a total bitch back then and doesn't want any friends?

It would have been fun to see how 2-A reacted to EQG Sunset, but this isn't her.

Again, your fanfic has zero reasons why she has such a giant and sudden change of personality. "She needs to learn the language and that humble her" are nowhere as good as reason as you think. Sunset pretty much starts an ugly conflict with one of the closest persons to her for sake of getting more power and chose to leave her homeworld for sake of finding more power and you say that something as trivial as learning a new language would be enough to deeply shake her and change her entire worldview?

8606618
Let's do a little thought experiment. Imagine you suddenly find yourself suck in another country. Egypt, let's say. You don't know anyone there, and no-one there knows you. You can't speak the native language, and no-one there speaks English. You have no useful skills and are entirely dependent on the kindness of three or four people for your safety, survival, sustenance, and education. You have no hope of your situation changing for at least two years.

Imagine yourself in that situation, and tell me you wouldn't be eating humble pie for the first year or so. I significantly sped up Sunset's learning of the language to give her more independence, but she was still absolutely reliant upon Nodoka and the others for the first 6 months. You don't go through something like that and come out the other end the same, cocky, "I can do anything and deserve everything" person that you were going in. That person wouldn't have survived, much less thrived.

8606640
Almost all that you listed (except language) happens in canon as well. Sunset doesn't have money, papers, home, magic and she don't know anyone and don't know anything about a world she ended in. But somehow it doesn't change her all that much.
She has a goal - find a shitton of power and kick Celestia flank. Everything and everyone else just a stepping stones that lead to that goal. If LEC ready to spend time and effort to help her - well, suck to be them. She becomes a demon and got a friendship laser in the face before she changes her goals and worldview.

8606658
You... seriously underestimate the language barrier. She was able to deal with all of that because she COULD lie and manipulate. Take that away, and she's absolutely helpless. She can't put on a strong front. She can't make people think she's more than she is. She has absolutely no way to establish dominance. Quite the opposite, she is now forced into ultimate submission, her fate entirely in the hands of others. By the time she knows enough to lie and manipulate again, she's already become friends with the LEC. Isolationism wasn't an option. All of that softened and humbled her. If you still don't believe me, talk to a returned Mormon missionary who served in another country. They'll tell you EXACTLY how much a barrier language can be.

8606584
After reading all current chapters, i might be taking that comment back... until Sunset sees her use magic.

8606685
Well, I never said that you were wrong. :pinkiehappy:

8606672
And I think that you greatly overestimate language barrier and underestimate how determined humans (and ponies) can be. Really, if a language barrier shook her so much then why she just didn't return back home?
Sunset has a goal. Anything she does pretty much suppose to bring her one step closer to that goal. For the sake of it she ready to steal, maim, lie and do other unpleasant things (like she do in canon). If she didn't know mirror-world language then she needs to learn it - another step to power.
And you pretty much discard almost everything about canon Sunset. It's Sunset in name only (and even her name here is not her own). You can change her name for... I don't know... Sky Blitz and no one sees the difference.

8606709
You're confusing willingness and ability. I don't care how much drive you have, you cannot manipulate a system that you cannot communicate with. And it's not just language, it's body language. She begins utterly unable to communicate either verbally or nonverbally. There are no texts to facilitate learning a new language from her old one, and she doesn't even have an infant's advantage of a brain geared outrageously towards language development. Honestly, me giving her only 6 months to master Japanese and learn English at level is cheating; it COULD NOT happen.

I realize that Sunset of EQG is utterlly manipulative and ruthless, but she was able to carry that over to Canterlot High no-stop. Here she came to a screeching halt, having to start from infant level, likely including soiling herself at least once as she would know neither where the restroom was nor how to ask. Humility is forced upon her, and that changes a person.

8606810

Honestly, me giving her only 6 months to master Japanese and learn English at level is cheating; it COULD NOT happen.

I know a guy who learns Japanese from zero to a fluent enough level that his college chose him to participate in an exchange program. He spends seven or eight months on it. And he just some random otaku who really want to go to Japan (he disappointed in the end). And Sunset most likely far smarter and determined than him.

Humility is forced upon her, and that changes a person.

Yes, because the path from star SGU pupil and personal student of Celestia to a homeless, penniless and powerless nobody definitely not humiliating at all.

Here she came to a screeching halt

Only a small problem here - your Sunset had a better starting point that a canon Sunset. Your Sunset has a home and food right at the beginning. Canon Sunset - not so much. She knows a language? A big deal considering that she don't have money, home and any stable source of income. Before she can start blackmailing anyone she needs to find something incriminating. So before she able to do this she needs to find some ways to get food and shelter. So she either needs to lean on some good samaritan support or find a homeless shelter and me pretty sure that both variants are pretty humiliating for someone as proud as Sunset.

So I stand by mine point - you completely discarded Sunset canon personality without solid explanation why she has such a major shift in her.

...And I doubt that at this point we agree on something. So I just stop.

8606145

Well if you do pair her with someone, I'm wondering would it be a girl or boy. Cause if it's a girl there are a few girls in 2 A that come to mind.

An unexpected crossover, but with the given premise I think it can work. Although I do hope you end up doing away with Negima's more... unsavory elements. The plot and world stand well enough on their own without all the ridiculous fanservice things.

As for the chapter... first thing of note is that you mistakenly called Haruna 'Homura' four times. The Japanese is... not especially good, at least in feel to an amateur like me. But you've already addressed that, so moving on.

Most important criticism is this: why would the Library Exploration Club not immediately try to get Sunset out of there? They know very well how dangerous Library Island can be for the inexperienced, I'd think their top priority would be to get the strange girl who doesn't speak Japanese to safety. The fact that she was in an apparently sealed room would raise questions, yes, but I'd think the girls would just assume that there was another way into the room and flag it for later exploration. Just like they'd probably assume that Sunset was some kind of tourist/visitor who must have gotten into the library by accident, or snuck in, or something; obviously she must have been with someone who spoke Japanese (since she clearly didn't) who would want to know where she was. The fact that they instead decided to leave Sunset in there for literal months so they could teach her Japanese is just... absurd. The Headmaster going along with it only makes it worse.

Like, I assume you wanted to delay Sunset seeing the whole of Mahora before she can have it explained to her or something, but this isn't the way to do it.

It's a big hit to my enjoyment of the story, but I'm willing to keep reading since the premise at least is intriguing.

8608926
That's... a good point about Library Island. It would have been at Sunset's insistence, but she wouldn't really be able to insist if she couldn't communicate. I'll have to screen this story more carefully in the future for logic holes like that. Thanks.

Gah! I knew there was something strange when I read that over! I'll get right on fixing her name. Thanks for the catch.

As for the fanservice, it'll still technically be in there, but since the story is told from Sunset's perspective, it'll be a passing comment, if anything. That was the single most annoying part of the manga for me.

Thanks for giving this story a shot, and please keep letting me know what I can do to improve it!

Okay, second chapter. First off, the simple mistakes: Misspelled Shizuna as 'Sizuna' once, and called Nodoka 'Nanoha' once after she was rescued. The *SOUNDS EFFECTS* are jarring when written that way, as was Sunset basically saying 'grunt' when she was drafted into carrying books. Also, honorifics need to be hyphenated, Show Stopper-san.

Moving on to the meat of the chapter...

Cutting straight ahead to the day of Negi's arrival feels... wrong, to be honest. I presume you wanted to get straight to the plot, but I think there's value in introducing Sunset earlier so she - and the readers unfamiliar with the source material - can get to know the girls of Class 2-A a bit first. It would only really need to be a single chapter to be honest, and would help make some of the dialogue in the chapter feel more natural cause it almost seems to me like Sunset is more familiar with some of these girls than she ought to be. Also an option: putting Sunset in the class after Negi has already started to teach it.

Her specifically being present when Negi enters the classroom and thus sees the bit with the eraser seems forced; I'm probably biased and wrong but it also kinda feels like her seeing that moment was the reason why you decided to put her in the class that same day. I just think she could have absolutely seen it from her seat (now way was Asuna the only one who saw it in canon, she's just the only one the narration brought attention to). She could have also have clued into Negi's magic some other way.

All that kinda ties in to the next point I wanna make: so far, this feels more like Sunset is simply observing canon events rather than affecting them in a meaningful way. And for a crossover like this, that's not an especially good start - particularly since Sunset was absolutely in a position to unintentionally change something by saving Nodoka, among other things.

Speaking of Nodoka... not really happy with Sunset being at all encouraging of the crush. That crush (really, the whole 'harem centered around a freaking 10-yr-old' in general) is one of the two aspects of Negima that I'm most sour on, along with the fanservice. I know it's your story and all... but if it were me, I know I'd do my best to divert things away from that path.

Anyway. The only other thing of note has to do with my comment on the previous chapter; namely, it's disbelief that the Headmaster would allow Sunset, a middle school student, to live in the strange dungeon-library rather than the dorms. I know it's what Sunset wants, but I'm pretty sure the adults would absolutely not allow it. Also, it's a missed opportunity to have Sunset room with one or two of her classmates. Chisame, for instance.

That's all for now. I'll continue looking through this tomorrow. At the very least you may have inspired me to reread Negima at some point in the near future.

8609394
...do you want to be a proofreader for this story?

Let me put that another way: would you please consider becoming a proofreader for this story?! All of what you're saying makes a lot of sense, and I'm kind of wishing I could roll back the clock a bit and make a couple of changes. I don't agree with everything you've said, but you make A LOT of good points.

The editing bits don't hurt either. I thought I'd caught all of the honorific hyphens.

Okay... :ajbemused: (deep breath) DESCRIBE THE MAHO SENSEI NEGIMA! CHARACTERS!!!:flutterrage:

Those who are not familiar with Maho Sensei Negima! are not likely to know these character, in your long description, you said that familiarity with the series is not needed... well I can only picture these characters because I am familiar with the series, if I wasn't I wouldn't know who these girls are.

8609668
This point has been brought up to me. I try in later chapters to be a little more descriptive. Thanks for providing feadback, though. Please let me know if you see anything else I can improve on.

8609430
Hmm... I'll consider it, and get back to you once I've finished reading what you've published so far.

Wow, against my predictions, this fic is actually pretty good, nos, i hope eva chan teach her magic instead of negi, that would be wise interesting, waiting forma the. Next chapter.

Wonder if sunset will actually steal the crown the next time the portal opens, and what about the sirens?

8610984
...I totally forgot about the Sirens.

*evil grin grows*

This is going to be fun.

So, first off, the minor corrections as always:
-Haruna's family name is Saotome, not Kitome. The translations of the early chapters were... not always completely accurate.
-You misspelled Nodoka as 'Nodka' once.
-Negi's activation key is Ras tel Ma Scir Magister; you had Shir instead of Scir I think.

As a related note to that last point, I question Sunset's ability to recognize spoken Latin if she doesn't speak the language.

Other than that... I'm pretty happy to see thing finally start to diverge a bit from canon, even if only a little bit (I'm a tad disappointed you didn't have Sunset head off the love potion thing completely). I'm also glad to see that Sunset's actually being a villainous manipulator-type here.

Best part, though, is her (possibly?) being gay for Nodoka, which I 100% approve of.

8611105
Thanks for catching those. And there's no possibly about it. She's crushing on Nodoka big time. :pinkiehappy::heart:

And the love potion thing was just too funny for me to pass up.

8610984

and what about the sirens?

Unless they find a way to use magic they would have tons of problems in Negima world. As far as I remember there at least several organizations that deal with all sorts of magic shit (IIRC at some point Mana been a part of such organization). So most likely siren either keep a low profile or on the run. Or already dealt with.

8612711
Indeed. My fun will be at the Sirens' expense.

Hmm, I'm nearly at the end of what you've got so far...

Well, let's see. Only minor mistakes I caught were using 'weather' instead of 'whether' early on, and using 'senpais' when senpai is its own plural. Though using the word at all in an English-language story instead of simply 'seniors' is...

Moving on. I question the decision to make Sunset #2 in the school so quickly - she's smart, certainly, but I don't think she's got Hakase beat. And not just because she's new in the world, either.

The names you chose for Starswirl and Celestia are... not really the best. I get that Sunset's new with the language, and I won't pretend like I'm fluent or anything but... Well, Starswirl I think should just be 'Hoshiuzu' - one word, straight and to the point. Celestia is a bit different since it's more of a proper name, but I think 'Tenko' would suffice - 'ten' meaning celestial/heavenly, and -ko being (as I recall) something of a default suffix for women's names?

Anyway. Plot-wise, I'm glad you skipped ahead to this part of canon, though I'm a tad disappointed again you didn't change more aside from the detour to Sunset's old room. Speaking of, I'm glad you finally had her move out - though it's something that ought to have gotten more attention drawn to it in-story. Don't just tell us Sunset is doing these things, you gotta show them too! Don't just stick to the Negima script!

8614590
Thanks again for the feedback. I'm noticing that sticking to the script is a big crutch of mine. I try to distance Sunset from Negi further on, but I'm still going to have to be careful about that.

Thanks especially for the feedback on the names. Hoshiuzu probably isn't going to comeup much, but I was struggling to find a good name for Celestia. "Tenko" sounds a lot better. :pinkiehappy:

As for "senpais," I pulled that straight from the manga but, as you pointed out before, translation of the early chapters was a little off. (I'm going to have to look out for that more going forward.)

8612735
*sighs* poor Dazzlings just can't have any success come their way unless it's after 'generic forced redemption' or anything similiar, right? Not completely serious here, obviously, but I'm intrigued to see if you would be able to pull it of in an interesting way.

Also, GLHF.

Gonna have to agree with several points that others have made, particularly about the descriptions of the characters. Almost all of the characters are unique looking in some way and some are outright exotic (just take a look at this picture of the class, for instance: vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mahousenseinegima/images/8/8e/Turma.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110906160621 ), but it's all kind of just passed over in the fic. I mean, that class is packed with weirdos (so it's really no surprise Sunset would wind up there). I can't recall Mahora Academy (or even the students' uniforms) even being described in the fic, which seems pretty important as the characters almost always wear the uniforms and a good chunk of the story in the manga takes place at the school and the surrounding area. It'd be like writing a Harry Potter crossover fic without describing Hogwarts or the robes everyone is almost always wearing.

Also kind of agree on the points about Sunset's "role" so far. Right now it seems like she's more of an observer/along for the ride. She seems to have forgotten why she's there, particularly early on. I mean, it's nice that she's making friends (and understandable, considering her circumstances), but this seems more like a post-Friendship Laser Sunset Shimmer (interested in making friends, curious, driven, wanting to learn more about magic, still a bit fiery at times but making an attempt to be nice, etc.) than one that hasn't been lasered (particularly the Sunset Shimmer we saw in the first movie).

Sunset being allowed to just squat in the library definitely seems a bit off. The adults in charge just letting some strange girl they know nothing about just hang around alone, basically clueless, unsupervised, essentially homeless, and in a place that's known to be dangerous doesn't really seem like something they'd do. Considering she was found under mysterious circumstances in a place like Library Island, I think the least they'd do is keep an eye on her, possibly even having her move in with one of the staff at Mahora that's in the know. Takahata would be an interesting option (and it'd drive Asuna absolutely crazy that another girl was "getting close to her man" :flutterrage: ).

All that said, interesting crossover idea. I look forward to seeing where you go with it.

8618228
Yeah, I kind of wish I could go back and change the "living in Library Island" bit and put in more descriptions. I'm going to work on the descriptions and on setting Sunset apart more going forward. I would go back and change things, but I want to be able to look back at the end of this and see what progress I've made and what I still need to improve on.

Thanks for giving this story a shot!

8618327
Well, you could always just save copies of the original chapters before going back and altering things. Just add an "(Original Version)" or "(Edited Version)" tag onto the different save files. Kind of have your cake and eat it too, in a way. :pinkiehappy:

8618727
That would also force those who have already read up to this point to re-read. No, I'll just live with my mistakes and try to learn from them.

This teacher could be Evangeline

Hrmmm... you might not like hearing this, but I gotta agree that, at the very least, Sunset breaking down re: Negi's note was way too soon for her. Her (grudgingly) getting along with the Library Exploration Club members both as a means of keeping up appearances and because they are basically her link to the world is one thing, but her being so deeply touched by Negi's kindness or whatever is another. I'm not saying that her response should be a completely guilt-free 'lol thanks for the help ya dumb kid', but like... I think her primary emotion upon hearing that should be annoyance? Due to herself suddenly being out of an easily-controlled magic tutor, and to Negi's whole kinda naive attitude towards helping her as though she hadn't blackmailed him into doing it. And also a recognition that he was pretty popular among her classmates, so his sudden departure was surely gonna make them annoying to be around in a whole new way too.

Anyway, moving on from that. No spelling/grammar mistakes that I noticed, at least beyond using 'shir' instead of 'scir' in Negi's activation phrase. Also, the scene where the girls take their clothes off as a futile means of decreasing the elevator load was something that absolutely should have been cut, in my opinion. It served no actual purpose beyond shitty fanservice in the canon, and you could have easily just had them stop at their shoes or whatever before Negi's decision to stay behind. Yeah, I get that Sunset has no real impetus to stop them from stripping down and she's the only thing that's changed from canon but... like... you don't have to do something just because canon did it. Especially when what happened in canon was dumb and pointless to begin with.

All that aside... I do like giving Sunset a beginner mage set, even if I do kinda question where Negi got it from unless he brought his with him to Japan. And I am looking forward to seeing Sunset learning magic, presumably from Evangeline.

As for my final decision regarding what we've discussed... well, it's pretty late for me right now, so I'll let you know over PM sometime tomorrow.

8638273
I agree that it seems a little quick for Sunset to break down like that, but there's a reason self-sacrifice resonates with her. I'd tell you why, but... Spoilers.

On the beginner's mage set, I recalled that he had several practice wands in cannon, and I figured it made sense that he would continue to study the fundamentals even as he progressed, so he probably would still have his personal set.

As for the elevator bit: was it blatent fanservice? Yes. Could I have cut it? Yes. Did it fit with the personalities of the characters and make sense for them to do it? *sigh* Unfortunately, yes, yes it did. Fortunately, I believe that that's the last plot-relevant fanservice scene that Sunset has to be involved in. The rest can either be easily avoided or won't even be enough to draw much comment from Sunset. Got to say, I'm looking forward to when the story can get more action-oriented.

Huh, so Sunset has discovered friendship already, but is still manipulative and power-hungry ...

I suspect that Sunny will wind-up apprenticed to Evangeline, assuming she can handle Eva's teaching style of course. :pinkiecrazy:

Finally I have her name in Japanese for a fan fiction!!!

What translator let you get ENGLISH Japanese translations?I always get katakana... :derpyderp1:

8710860
...Google translate. It has the Romaji below.

Huh. Well, it matches the tone of the manga, and Sunset slots more or less into the "student up to no good" section of the class. Which ironically you don't really have her interacting with much, but early days.

And seriously, fresh out of the portal Sunset is supposed to be less feral tHan later versions - it's supposed to be a decay function. :trollestia:

I love how you are having Sunset act like the voice of reason in this chapter, I hope that she doesn't make a Pactio with Negi though and I do hope that Evangeline finds out that Sunset is a Unicorn, thought it would be funny to see how Evangeline would react to tasting Sunset's blood though.

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