//------------------------------// // Arc 6.1: Chapter 44 // Story: Student 32: Sunset Shimmer // by Show Stopper //------------------------------// “I didn’t realize how strong I’ve gotten. Evangeline-san and Ku-Fei-san have told me that I’m getting stronger every day, but it never seems real. I mean, I look at where they are, how skilled and powerful and calm they are, and I don’t see myself as making any progress whatsoever.” “Well, I can sympathize with that. My old teacher, Tenko, is the Goddess of the Sun in my world. With that as your benchmark, even true mastery of magic seems like only a small stepping-stone.” “Especially since you and Asuna-san are so strong, too.” “Hm?” “I mean, even before she started training with Setsuna-san, there’s no way that my Kenpo would have stood up to your boxing or Asuna-san’s raw power. And you might not know as much magic as me yet, but you’re catching up quickly, and you already know how to use it so much better than me because of how much experience you have. Even before coming to Mahora, I had Takamichi and stories of my father to measure against. In the face of all that, and especially compared to that white-haired boy from Kyoto, it seems like I’m just standing in place.” “...” “But… that’s wrong, isn’t it? I am getting stronger. I’m learning more spells. My thinking and reflexes are getting faster. I’m able to use my magic more efficiently. Ku-Fei-san and Evangeline-san are good teachers, and I’m learning a lot from them. And, when I have that much power…” “The more powerful the steed, the tighter the reins need to be, lest you lose control of him completely.” “...Heh. I never expected to hear a horse analogy from you.” “Shut it.” “Er, sorry. Anyway, you’re right. I need to keep a tight rein on my magic. And… when I faced that demon… “A lot of people could have gotten hurt. Asuna-san. Nodoka-san and the rest. You and Kotarou. If he’d run somewhere else in the city, who knows how many people I could have hurt? I… I really stopped paying attention to everything but him. I couldn’t see anything else. I couldn’t think of anything else. I just… I… I wanted to… to…” “You wanted to kill him.” “Urg!” “Woah! Woah, easy there! Geeze!” “Ach! Ugh. I… I’m okay.” “Better reflexes is right. I’m surprised you kept any of that from getting on your clothes. Man, now I need to apologize to Satsuki for the mess back here too. I should start a tab.” “Whew. I… I’m fine.” “...you’re really not. You know that, right?” “...” “It’s not an easy thing, realizing that you’re capable of wanting to kill someone. Heck, my reaction was about the same after my first time, and I was nine years your senior. I mean, that warlock had to go down, and he wasn’t my first kill, but… he was the first one I really wanted to kill. And when I realized I could feel like that…” “How… how did you deal with it?” “I got drunk. Like, really drunk. Seriously plastered. Of course, the self-loathing was only worse the next morning once the hangover started fading. So I threw myself into my work instead. And since every aspect of my work was some reminder of what I’d gone through to track that other guy down… Let’s just say I had to go through another round of therapy to deal with that.” “You’re… surprisingly open about going through therapy.” “I’ve been through Hell. More than once. And I’ve seen enough shit tracking down warlocks and seeing the destruction wrought in their wake to give JDF vets nightmares. Honestly, the way this whole damn world doesn’t take mental health issues seriously… “Let me be frank here, Wildfire, because I can tell that this is something that’s weighing on you. You aren’t weak for needing help. You aren’t weak for needing to talk to a professional. You aren’t weak for being seriously messed up because you’ve realized that you’re able to hate someone so much that you want nothing more than to kill him with your own hands. After what you went through, and with how young you are, it’s honestly surprising that you aren’t a soulless, hollow shell of a human.” “...” “Look, I get that you have your pride. I get that you don’t want to seem vulnerable. It’s completely stupid, but I get it. And I’m not going to claim to know you well enough to say definitively what sort of help you need. But… talk to Takamichi, at least. From what I can gather, he’s been through his share of Hell too.” “I… yeah. I’ll… I’ll talk to him. ...thank you, Nichibotsu-sa-” “Nichibotsu.” “Eh?” “Seriously Wildfire, drop the honorific.” “I… okay, N-Nichibotsu.” “And in return… I… guess I can call you ‘sensei’ in class.” “Nichi-” “Only in class! Y-you’re still ‘Wildfire’ the rest of the time. And don’t think it’s a recognition of any sort of authority over me. It’s just… you are a teacher, after all. And you’ve earned that title. It… it would just be petulant of me to insist that you drop honorifics for me and not compromise at least this much.” “Hehe, of course, Nichibotsu.” “Hmph. ...anyway, we seem to have strayed from the main point.” “Er, right. I… I’m going to ask Evangeline-san and Ku-Fei-san to give me something to test against on a regular basis. Something that will let me see objectively how far I’ve come.” “Hm. That’s a good idea. Back when I was under Celestia, I still had other students to compare myself to, and I eventually started testing myself against the Guard and the Mage Corp too. You’ll eventually get a feel for it yourself, but an objective measuring stick should help.” “Mm. And… if you could… I mean, I know you’re still upset with me, and you probably don’t want to spend too much time around me, and you can say no if you want-” “Spit it out, Wildfire.” “Er, right. Could you, that is, could you teach me to meditate?” “...meditation?” “I… I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold myself back if something like this happens again. If I find another demon who was there that night, or find whoever sent them…” “...I see. You want to fortify your mind so that you’ll be able to control your wrath next time instead of it controlling you.” “I know it’s asking a lot-” “It really isn’t. Heck, I could just give you some instructions and leave you at that. But… honestly, I’ve been neglecting my own meditation for a long time now. I need to get back in the habit. And if helping you is the way to do that, then, well, it’s not like it’s an activity that requires a lot of interaction.” “Thank you, Nichibotsu.” “...I guess it’s my turn, then.” “You don’t have to-” “Yes. I do. Because I can fully understand why everyone is so pissed off at me. From an outside perspective, I severely overreacted to you going wild. I could have snapped you out of it without slamming you into the ground and taking you out of the fight. You deserve to know why I went so far. “Back in the Mage Corp, when I was a Warlock Hunter, I never worked alone. You don’t go after people who are that powerful and insane alone. You always have a team with you, I’ve been in more than a few. Few teams last forever. Sometimes it’s just personality clashes. Sometimes a battle formation that works great on paper doesn’t hold up in actual combat. Sometimes people got transferred or retired or changed careers entirely. Sometimes some bureaucratic nonsense would break us up. Sometimes… sometimes you lost someone. Or several someones. Those were always the hardest. And sometimes there was nothing you could have done about it. Sometimes the enemy just threw something at you that you weren’t ready for. Or he was just better with a sword than she was. Or she set up a good ambush. But… every once in a while…” “...it’s someone’s fault? Someone on the team?” “If I ever find where that impatient, arrogant, cowardly son of a bitch ran off to I’ll flay his cutie mark right off his hide before chaining him down in the depths of Tartarus myself.” “...” “...haa. Don’t look at me like that, Wildfire. He got my whole team killed. I’d been with those guys for most of a year. Best comrades I’d ever had. Friends, I guess, looking back on it, though my head was stuck too far up my plot to ever admit it. And he… because of his stupidity and his arrogance a-and his blinding need for revenge…” “...Nichibotsu.” “I… I’m fine. Damn it, it’s been years. I shouldn’t still be crying over this. ...anyway, the warlock started taunting him. He snapped. Rushed in head-first so the mages didn’t even have a chance to start slinging spells. Ignored the other earth po- ...melee fighters and nearly took one of their heads off. And the warlock just kept laughing. Maneuvering so that the fool was always in the way. Focusing her attacks on the rest of us so he wouldn’t notice that she was out of his league. And the rest of us were so focused on trying to calm him down that… “The final blow came out of nowhere. I was far enough back to survive it. No idea how the idiot did; maybe the damned warlock left him alive on purpose. But we were the only two left. Finally snapped him out of it. I pushed him to the ground and faced the warlock one on one. Toughest fight of my life. By the time I finally downed her, the fool had run off. I was too tapped out to chase him down. Never did find out what happened to him. And so I returned home, the great warlock hunter who ‘single-handedly’ took down Raven Dowr. It’s a victory and an honor that my friends and I should have shared. But because of him…” “I… I’m s-so sorry, N-Nichibotsu.” “Haa. Quit crying, Wildfire. Like I said, it was years ago. I’ve moved on… or so I thought. Guess pummeling you into the ground like that means I still have a bit to work through.” “Y-yeah. I… I guess I understand better. I mean, you weren’t really overreacting, because you know firsthand what can happen.” “Which is why I won’t apologize. But… I do regret that it’s put you into this slump for so long. I should have, I don’t know, tried to explain myself. Helped you understand and work through this sooner. That… I will apologize for that.” “You don’t need to-” “Yes I do. I saw how hard you were taking it, and I didn’t step in. That’s on me.” “But-” “Damn it, Wildfire! Just accept the apology already.” “...okay. I… I forgive you.” “Haa… and I guess I forgive you too.” “Then-” “Don’t misunderstand. I meant what I said that night. You and me? We’re done. If our goals align, I’ll fight beside you. But I have no interest in tying myself to you again. Whether you knew it or not at the time, you betrayed me on a deep and personal level. I can’t trust you yet. Teaching you meditation, that’s for my own peace of mind as much as it is to repay you for how I left you to stew this past week. Once I think you’ve got the hang of it…” “...I understand.” “Good. Hup! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go help a certain adorable chef work through an existential crisis.”