Twilight asks Starlight Glimmer what the name of her town is. Chaos and Confusion ensue.
Note: Based on Who's On First?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Nov, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
Silver Inkwell
"Take me away to a dream and I will live like it was real, wake me up to reality and I'll live it like it was a dream."
Silver Inkwell
Joined 21st Nov, 2016 ·
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Rainbow Dash said the first quote, not Pinkie Pie.
8027130
Oops...
(Fixing...)
Fixed.
This was fine, I suppose. It lost a lot of steam and was what I call a "Joke Machine", in the sense that the story doesn't really exist independent of the joke. There's nothing here but punchline.
8027136
EXPLAIN!!!
When there's a typo in your synopsis, I will just calmly downvote and move along.
8027143
Fixed.
8027142 Um...? I don't much like being shouted at, but what the hell?
What I mean is that this isn't a story. Nothing happens. It's a joke, and not even an original one. A comedy story should have a story of some sort to go along with the comedy. This, as it stands, is a Joke Machine. It lacks any sort of substance. This could have, and perhaps should have been a smaller scene from a different, longer, more story-filled story.
EXPLAINED!!!
I mean, it's interesting, but it went on for a bit too long. I'd say 600-700 words would be better for this.
Meh. This needed to either be shorter or part of a longer story.
8027162 I think the minimum word count for stories on here now is 1,000 words.
8027224
Yes, yes it is. But that does not change my statement.
8027265
8027221
8027224
Okay then...
I loved the original skit a lot. And I feel the we didn't need the who, what, etc at the end for hoofball to make the connection.
You have something here in the way of ideas; with a bit more refining to the joke and making it your own could make this stellar.
This piece could do with a more lead up to the punch line as well.
That being said, I still liked the story for what it was. Thank you for taking the time to write this.
8027712
Uh, thanks I guess?
8027737
I honestly did enjoy it. It was good. I was just trying to offer in two cents on what could be changed to make it even better. Of course, with me being on the phone, I may not have expressed a helpful comment? I hope it didn't come off the wrong way.
8027808
It was fine, I mean it was actually good criticism, for once!
8027847
I also think if you had Twilight storming off at this point instead of this line of dialogue she would come off as more in character. I think it would be more natural comedic wise as well.
I think other than that line she was pretty much in character?
Anyone feel free to give their second opinion on this statement.
Who is talking?
BREAK UP THE DIALOGUE!
I hoped the chaos and confusion would derail the canon plot.
I try my best to avoid making critical reviews, but this story is going to challenge me. But that's fine; I owe you a review in exchange for doing the same to mine. There are some things I need to address, but the question is if you'll take it if it's in the form of constructive criticism. I guess we'll find out.
First, you need to watch out for comma splices when you're writing and editing. Comma splices are when you separate two independent clauses with a comma. You can only separate them with semicolons and periods. No exceptions.
Second, be careful on the transitions. Within one very short paragraph, it skips from a semi-dramatic setting to a very, very long joke (which, as others have said, could have been made part of a larger story). In fact, I could probably write a longer one shot created in the completely separate mood set by the first paragraph.
Third, don't limit yourself, man! Bring in the other characters to voice their opinions of the situation; it doesn't have to be the same two characters back and forth for 95% of the story. Create an environment that interacts with different parts like a machine, and maybe then more readers will be satisfied, which brings me to my last point....
Finally, take advice from others. If most people seem to take it as a worse version of the original joke, chances are it's true, even if you can't see it. Most (not all) of the people here were peaceful in telling you your story simply wasn't "good." I feel this is the case with most of your work too, scanning through comments here and there. What I'm getting at is that things like yelling at 8027136 is what gets you dislikes. It's not all about the story; it's about the writer too. If you portray yourself as someone who can't accept advice (note that I didn't even use the term "criticism"), then readers are less likely to give your future stories a chance. This will also send several dislikes in your direction.
As a side-note, it mat be in your best interest to either enlist in a writing class or get yourself a writing buddy because, try as you might time after time, your writing is substandard. If you can't turn it into a high school English class and score at least a B, it's probably not a good idea to submit yet.
Well it starts as a story but then switches to being a dialog script. And the joke goes for too long. Basically all that you have to attract readers and satisfy them is humor and that is subjective.
Honestly I can't say anything more than what has already been said. And no I am not pressing the dislike button.