Our Town
Our Town
Twilight Sparkle was very suspicious of the town that the castle map had sent them to at first but she still had no proof that anything bad or evil was happening… yet… But maybe having a talk with the town leader would clear that up. The ponies slowly (and creepily) took them to the house of their leader called Starlight Glimmer. “We have no idea what monster could come through that door!” Rainbow Dash said once they got inside and saw a door opening up.
But then suddenly a bright purplish mare stepped forward to greet them.
“Well hello there, my name is Starlight Glimmer and welcome to Our Town!”
“Hi there, my name’s Princess Twilight Sparkle, princess of magic and friendship, these are my friends Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy as well, how we came here is a rather long story that I won't bore the details of it to you, but your town looks very nice and orderly, but what’s the name of it?”
“It’s Our Town,” Starlight said.
“Yes, I know that it’s your town, but what’s the name of it?”
“Our Town.”
“Look, you already said that, what’s the name of your town.
“Our Town.”
“Look,” Twilight said while all the others started to scratch their heads in confusion, even Pinkie Pie who had a grin and smile on her face as she tried not to laugh, “I don't think you understand me.”
“Oh, I do” Starlight said, “It’s you that’s the one that doesn't understand me.”
“Okay then, you do know what a name is supposed to be and represent and mean, right?” Twilight said.
“Yeah, duh, of course, after all, I have a name.”
“Okay then, let’s try this again, my name is Twilight Sparkle and you are?”
“Starlight Glimmer, but I already said that,” the mare said getting very annoyed.
“Yes, now then, what’s the name of your town.”
“Our Town.”
Twilight took a very deep breath in, “Okay, calm down, let’s try this again. What’s the name of your town?”
“Our Town,” she said.
"Yes, I already know that it’s your town because you practically made this from the ground up from what I hear from the local ponies.”
“Yes, I did, but this is not just my town, it’s Our Town.”
“I still don't get it; can you try saying your town’s name in a declarative sentence?” she said.
Starlight sighed, “Well okay, fine then, my town is Our Town.”
“Your town can't be our town because our town is Ponyville!”
“I’m not saying that Our Town is Ponyville because it’s not, Our Town is our town,” she said.
Twilight banged her head on a wall.
“Okay, let’s keep trying this, what is the name of your town?”
“Our Town.”
“And your town is not Ponyville, correct?”
“Right.”
“So therefore, it can't be my town, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then that would mean that your town is not our town?”
“No. It is.”
“Okay, now you’ve just lost me again.”
“Don't worry, you’ll get it eventually, don't worry,” Starlight said.
“Well okay, fine then, let’s keep trying this, my town is Ponyville, what’s your town called?”
“Our Town.”
“What’s the name of your town?”
“It’s Our Town.”
“You’ve already said that!”
“Well only because you can't understand what the name of my town is?”
“So is your town called my town?”
“NO! It’s not my town or Ponyville, it’s Our Town!!!”
“Oh, so it’s our town?” Twilight said.
“Yes, in capital letters,” Starlight said.
“Oh, so wait, your town is literally called Our Town then?” Twilight said then.
Starlight sighed. “Finally, you get it, yes, our town is Our Town.”
“Okay then, now I’m confused and still don't get it, but just to make sure, your town is Our Town, but Our Town is not Ponyville because our home town is Ponyville which is different from Our Town and Our Town is your town but also their town which means that Our Town is literally your town then?”
“Uh, yes?” Starlight said.
Twilight nodded, “Okay then, I think that I get it, okay, everypony, welcome to ‘Our Town’, a very stupid name by the way,” she said.
“Hey, it’s not my fault that I wanted a bland town name.”
“Well at least we know the name of your town.”
“Yeah, but there’s still one thing that I don't understand,” Pinkie Pie said.
“What?”
“How come Our Town isn't your town if our town is your town which also just happens to be Our Town?”
“Pinkie Pie, you just lost me.”
“Yeah, me too,” Starlight said.
“Okay, never mind that, why is your town Our Town?”
“Because I named it.”
“But why Our Town then?”
“I’ trying to create equality here princess Twilight, something that you wouldn’t really understand since you’re so much better then every pony else.”
“I’m not better than any pony else.”
“Says the princess of magic and friendship herself.”
“Yeah, but there’s still one thing that I don't understand.”
“What Pinkie Pie?”
“Who’s on first?”
“What?”
“No, he’s on second, who’s on first.”
“I don't know.”
“No, he’s on third, but who’s on first.”
“I don't get it.”
“No, he’s the shortstop,”
“What’s happening right now?”
“Oh, he’s the pitcher.”
“Are we talking about hoof ball right now?” Twilight said.
“Yep.”
“Then why don't you know who’s on first?”
“No, I already know who’s on first, I’m just asking you if you already knew who’s on first,” she said.
“No, I don't know who’s on first because I don't follow hoof ball.”
“Oh, that’s too and, but my question is just like Our Town, it makes no sense and it’s very funny in the end because it’s just completely random!”
“Uh, well okay then,” Twilight said.
“Do you ever really understand her?” Starlight said.
“Sometimes,” Twilight said as Pinkie Pie suddenly turned towards the screen.
“Hey, the reader is on Page One, that’s not fair! But where’s the audience?
Are they reading this? If they are then they’re on the story!”
Starlight looked very confused, “What-?”
Twilight used her favorite motto, “It’s Pinkie Pie, don't question it.”
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Rainbow Dash said the first quote, not Pinkie Pie.
8027130
Oops...
(Fixing...)
Fixed.
This was fine, I suppose. It lost a lot of steam and was what I call a "Joke Machine", in the sense that the story doesn't really exist independent of the joke. There's nothing here but punchline.
8027136
EXPLAIN!!!
When there's a typo in your synopsis, I will just calmly downvote and move along.
8027143
Fixed.
8027142 Um...? I don't much like being shouted at, but what the hell?
What I mean is that this isn't a story. Nothing happens. It's a joke, and not even an original one. A comedy story should have a story of some sort to go along with the comedy. This, as it stands, is a Joke Machine. It lacks any sort of substance. This could have, and perhaps should have been a smaller scene from a different, longer, more story-filled story.
EXPLAINED!!!
I mean, it's interesting, but it went on for a bit too long. I'd say 600-700 words would be better for this.
Meh. This needed to either be shorter or part of a longer story.
8027162 I think the minimum word count for stories on here now is 1,000 words.
8027224
Yes, yes it is. But that does not change my statement.
8027265
8027221
8027224
Okay then...
I loved the original skit a lot. And I feel the we didn't need the who, what, etc at the end for hoofball to make the connection.
You have something here in the way of ideas; with a bit more refining to the joke and making it your own could make this stellar.
This piece could do with a more lead up to the punch line as well.
That being said, I still liked the story for what it was. Thank you for taking the time to write this.
8027712
Uh, thanks I guess?
8027737
I honestly did enjoy it. It was good. I was just trying to offer in two cents on what could be changed to make it even better. Of course, with me being on the phone, I may not have expressed a helpful comment? I hope it didn't come off the wrong way.
8027808
It was fine, I mean it was actually good criticism, for once!
8027847
I also think if you had Twilight storming off at this point instead of this line of dialogue she would come off as more in character. I think it would be more natural comedic wise as well.
I think other than that line she was pretty much in character?
Anyone feel free to give their second opinion on this statement.
Who is talking?
BREAK UP THE DIALOGUE!
I hoped the chaos and confusion would derail the canon plot.
I try my best to avoid making critical reviews, but this story is going to challenge me. But that's fine; I owe you a review in exchange for doing the same to mine. There are some things I need to address, but the question is if you'll take it if it's in the form of constructive criticism. I guess we'll find out.
First, you need to watch out for comma splices when you're writing and editing. Comma splices are when you separate two independent clauses with a comma. You can only separate them with semicolons and periods. No exceptions.
Second, be careful on the transitions. Within one very short paragraph, it skips from a semi-dramatic setting to a very, very long joke (which, as others have said, could have been made part of a larger story). In fact, I could probably write a longer one shot created in the completely separate mood set by the first paragraph.
Third, don't limit yourself, man! Bring in the other characters to voice their opinions of the situation; it doesn't have to be the same two characters back and forth for 95% of the story. Create an environment that interacts with different parts like a machine, and maybe then more readers will be satisfied, which brings me to my last point....
Finally, take advice from others. If most people seem to take it as a worse version of the original joke, chances are it's true, even if you can't see it. Most (not all) of the people here were peaceful in telling you your story simply wasn't "good." I feel this is the case with most of your work too, scanning through comments here and there. What I'm getting at is that things like yelling at 8027136 is what gets you dislikes. It's not all about the story; it's about the writer too. If you portray yourself as someone who can't accept advice (note that I didn't even use the term "criticism"), then readers are less likely to give your future stories a chance. This will also send several dislikes in your direction.
As a side-note, it mat be in your best interest to either enlist in a writing class or get yourself a writing buddy because, try as you might time after time, your writing is substandard. If you can't turn it into a high school English class and score at least a B, it's probably not a good idea to submit yet.
Well it starts as a story but then switches to being a dialog script. And the joke goes for too long. Basically all that you have to attract readers and satisfy them is humor and that is subjective.
Honestly I can't say anything more than what has already been said. And no I am not pressing the dislike button.