• Member Since 26th Feb, 2017
  • offline last seen Monday

mobius_


My obsession with a flying rainbow pony made me do this.

Sequels1

Comments ( 206 )

You could tell he was trying to be rude,

Methinks the rest of that sentence disappeared into the void between Zephyr Breeze's ears. :trollestia:

Other than that and maybe one other thing, it's not bad. Might track this one to see where it goes. :twilightsmile:

Nice to see you post it here as well.

Ignore the instant dislikes anything with the human tag gets btw. Misanthropy everywhere.

7985715 Thanks for the catch! I do all my own editing so I appreciate any critiques.

7986444 Yeah I remember someone suggesting that I upload it here a while ago. It just took me a long time to find the motivation to reformat a small novel's worth of words.

the worst thing about this fic? Is that I can't forget it so I can read it again and fall in love with it all over again

This is really enjoyable. I'm always down for a good 2nd person rainbow pone fic, but the premise and situation makes this extra interesting!

My interest has been piqued. Added to tracking. :rainbowkiss:

Hey, at least you can keep a regular update schedule. It's been almost five months since I published a chapter on my story! :rainbowlaugh: :fluttershysad:

One quick thing to edit, though:

The siloughette of her head pops over the edge of the cushion,

Should be "silhouette."

Wow, this story is so well written, and it's a Dashie fic, so I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter!

Why isn't there a Zephyr Breeze tag?

8000436
Thanks again for the catch I never liked that word. I expect that your vigilance will find many more errors in the days to come.

8062326
Couldn't find it when I first posted. Updated, thanks.

8062326 Because, like Rainbow, we all want him gone?

rebel appliance

You are part of the rebel appliance and a traitor.

And here I was ready to praise how the story didn't turn the canon character Zephyr into a creep just to prop up the human OC and give him a reason to be "badass".

Spacecowboy
Moderator

7987721 where was it that this was originally posted at? I'll admit it's nothing groundbreaking, but that hasn't kept it from being enjoyable for a semi-plotless Dash & Human story. Technical side of the writing also seems to be quite strong, there weren't really any issues or typos that got my attention during the current set of released chapters.

A cute, fun little chapter. Love the end of the chapter.

8085390
I started writing it on /mlp/ last summer and put it in a pastebin. Someone recommended that I post it here so I've been reformatting, correcting mistakes, and making minor adjustments. It almost takes as long as writing from scratch so that's why I can't dump the whole story. Glad you like it.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

8085586 Ah, a pastebin and /mlp/, two reasons why a search of various items did not really return and results, as I really don't pay either of those sites a visit.

And I understand on the editing, sometimes it's easier to just start with a blank page knowing what you want to write rather than edit. You're doing a solid job on it, so keep it up. I also wouldn't recommend dumping the entire story anyways, a chapter every X days/weeks really works out better in your favor, more exposure and what have you that way. I know I pretty much called the story simple, but I am looking forward to what you plan to do with things (and if the plot does pick up, or remain mostly fluff with stalker pone being the main conflict).

I also think that once this story is finished and fully posted, I'll be keeping an eye out to see if you come up with more stories. Hope you have a good evening.

8085724
Thanks for the advice. I find that I'm starting from scratch on a few portions of the story, but the vast majority is salvagable despite the horrendus grammar.

Everything happens from Anon's perspective so all the plot development that occurs is either explicit or alluded to through his observations. My entire goal for this story was to make Anon's "slice of life" as realistic as possible for the fictional setting. A lot of the world building and plot development occurs a bit later and it will progress beyond the little feud. Unfortunatley I ended before the next conflict could be fully fleshed out, so I may end up writing a sequel if people like it.

Thanks and have a great night as well.

Finally realizing her blushing wasn’t going to recede you give her another peck, refreshing her grin. How is such a simple action so satisfying? “Just be careful alright. Between my park brawl and your restaurant fight we just might become the next Bonnie and Clyde.”

He's joking about it now, but it's actually a serious issue. They both need to work on keeping their impulses in check.

creates anti particles called positrons and shoots them through your head where they interact with a chemical indicator and annihilate in your blood stream.

I love how violent that sounds.

How long is the completed story?

8111672
Origional was around 86k, but with the edits I think it will end up closer to 90k.

8115373 And I'm loving every extra word.

Hope you decide to make a sequel afterwords. So much I would love to see your version of.

Like dashes friends reactions for example.

That ending was cute

“I’m going to be right here when you get back, and I promise we’ll spend all day in bed if you want.”

No drama or Sad tag..... so I guess the Death Flag is not actually set.....

As clop, 3 out of 10.
As real plot and character development, 10.5 out of 10.
Usually it's the other way around. Thank you for doing it this way, rather than focusing on the other 'plot'

The clop is very detailed and leaves little to the imagination which is great for un imaginative people like me. I understand that some might not like that but the way you wrote it really emphasized the connection between the characters and I love it. This easily ranks as one of my favorite sex scenes (and I've read a lot).

You still working on this? I hope so.

8188270
Still working on it. Almost have the next chapter ready I've just been busy with finals and work. Should be a lot more consistent for the rest of summer.

You dead, or nah? If not, pls work on this, it's a great story.

"You notice quite a few manticores and griffins milling about as well."

Uhh, that doesn't seem very safe. Think you meant minotaurs.

8203508
Fixed, thanks.

I was starting to wonder what was happening with this fic, then bam heres a new chapter. Love it Mobius keep it up!

Please continue my dude. (This is dank)

Dude! Fantastic work on this. Keep it up!

Excellent Anon. One of the few fictions I could read over and over again.

You’re reasoning nullifies 

*your

Luckily you’re apartment was fairly secluded

*your

a bald monkey for one…you’re existence

*your

I think that's all of them.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass. Two spelling mistakes in the first paragraph of the description is not encouraging.

8234670
Thanks, I really need to take more time re reading or find an editor.

8234725
Never noticed those. Fixed.

8234773


Also, as for the description:

Rainbow-maned friend

Rainbow should not be capitalized. You're not actually saying her name there, after all. You're just describing her hair color.

I got a bad feeling that if anon goes through with
Breaking up with RD very bad things will happen mostly to him/reputation

8234725
your lose.

8234773
oh good, i was starting to think it had dissapeared from my favorites list completely. Still loving it mobius.

I only have 1 gripe with this chapter (and the original green) and its simply that; the resolution here with zephyr feels a little bit 'too easy' you know? without going into spoilers for the people who havent read it, it just seems that more could have been done with Zephyr all together, unlike everything else in his life he doesnt seem the type to give up easily when it comes to RD, if how he pestered her in Flutter Brutter is anything to go by, he's been at this a while.

Loving it, keep up the excellent work!

I love the story can't wait to read more this is my most favorite story yet! :rainbowwild:

This is cute so far.

Btw do you have a link to the green pastebin? I'd prefer to read it in full honestly.

You were born in the dark. Molded by it.

Pffft, nice one. Did you get a ban for this?

Also, really enjoying this. Look forward to reading the rest of it.

My god you improved the hell out of this chapter. Love it, so much detail, so much dash! You write her so well.

Login or register to comment