• Member Since 12th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Amethyst_Dawn


A good story displays a moral, the best ones attach you to the characters who display them.

Sequels1

E

When Thorax saw the destruction and pain his species was causing in Canterlot, he couldn't help but feel guilty. But, some new, unknown emotion welled up inside him, one he didn't want to control.

(Extended on 10/4/2016)

Besides, what made you think he just stood idly aside?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 71 )

Again, a good story, and an interesting idea on this subject :rainbowdetermined2:

Does Rainbow appear in this story, or did you just choose the cover art because it looks cool?

7615720
Thanks!

7615782
Both: he takes the form of Rainbow at some point. Something I took from a canon scene most would consider an animation error.

Not bad, but I think that Fleur was a bit too hasty in apreciating Thoras help, specialy kissing part. I mean sure, thanks for the help, but you would expect less friendliness from the ponies who just got invaded.

7616974
Thanks!
And, yeah, I had a feeling it felt a little rushed. :facehoof:
Though, this is Fleur de Lis we're talking about here. :rainbowlaugh:
Jokes aside: thanks for the feedback! I'll get to work on extending it. :twilightsmile:

7616974
If you don't mind rechecking it, is that any better?

Man I might recheck it again, but keep in mind I do suck at deciding what makes a good story. Altough if yours would been written really terrible, then I would have noticed it.

7617747
Noted, I just like to see how I can improve. And your little pointer helped a lot. :twilightsmile:

7617769 Sharing is carring am I right :)

Well this time it looks much better, I see you added more details. One thing which was weird, and I am not sure if it was there before, is the gore scene when Thoras and some changeling fought. I know this might sound weird, but in the show, there were no deaths, except for king sombra, and no one likes to talk about that either. Still I liked what I read.

Well this time it looks much better, I see you added more details.

Thanks!:twilightsmile:

One thing which was weird, and I am not sure if it was there before, is the gore scene when Thoras and some changeling fought.

That's the part I added. I hoped it would make the romance more believable.

I know this might sound weird, but in the show, there were no deaths, except for king sombra, and no one likes to talk about that either.

Doesn't sound weird to me. Legitimate point.
However, if there ever was another death, would it not be during a all-out siege like the attack on Canterlot?

Still I liked what I read

Thanks! :pinkiehappy:
And thank you once more for the feedback: It's always welcome.:twilightsmile:

7619452
Whoops, forgot to tag you. :facehoof::twilightblush:

Now this is my absolute favourite story that you wrote Amathyst Dawn. I especially love the romance between Thorax and Fleur de Lis and I cannot wait for To Love a King and for them to be united again.

7903858
Thank you so much! :twilightblush: :twilightsmile:
I hope you enjoy the sequel.

7904053 No problem! When do you think it will come out?

7906369
Hopefully, as soon as I can get back to work on it. The first segment was almost done when my laptop went out. :twilightblush:

Damn this is so cute...:rainbowkiss:
I need more:trollestia:

7941759
Thanks. :twilightsmile:
Rest assured, moar will come... :trollestia:

That was enjoyable to read:twilightsmile: A few spots here and there was a bit rough in my small opinion but overall good.

Wait whaaat? How is this "sad"? Did you play us again lol?

8068321
Because- until recently -I left it off as if he never wanted to go back. :twilightsmile:

"Okay, bad hiding spot. We need to get you to a safer location..." It hissed, picking her up and shoving her towards another building.

'It hissed'? Shouldn't it be 'he hissed'?

When she clambered to her feet, Thorax poked his head in, and pointed to a closet nearby.

The part where it says 'feet' should be 'hooves'.

"Mr. Changeling! Over here!" Sounded a familiar voice.

It would actually sound better if it was 'shouted' rather than 'sounded'.

Next thing he knew, he was being flung through space, and a mysterious heat welled up in his chest, which he was not sure if he liked.

It would sound better if 'he was being flung through the air' instead of through space.

"I'm... not too sure. but one thing's for certain..."

There is typo either there should be a comma instead of a full stop in front of 'but' or it should just be 'But' with a capital letter.

8076235
Thanks for these, I'll fix those errors. :twilightsmile:

'It hissed'? Shouldn't it be 'he hissed'?

That's actually from Fleur's point of view, and at that point she's still not sure what these things even are.

8076339 Notify me when they are fixed.

Comment posted by Gustav Ferreira deleted Apr 6th, 2017

she waited for a second, but no blow came. Instead, she heard a frenzy of hissing outside the tunnel: and pained shrieks from two creatures. She opened her eyes to see something she'd never expected to see...

Typo, the beginning of this paragraph should start with a capital letter.

Fleur and Fancy as siblings? I accept this unusual headcannon!

It hurt him to have a pony at his mercy, and too see such a beautiful example of their race in such utter terror.

'too' should have one 'o'.

Short little tie in stories are always fun, I've written a few myself. :pinkiehappy: Fun to see what Thorax was doing during the attack. Like!

8097100
Indeed, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

She noted that his lips tasted of changeling blood. :trollestia:

8103689
Heh, must taste like love. :ajsmug:

and glared at the mare as screams echoed through the city.

I feel that the 'through' should be 'throughout'.

8405314
Perhaps. I'll see how that looks.

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