• Member Since 29th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Raikiry


Im a friendly guy i only can but take my cookie ill bite your handoff :3

E

This story start off with a Young colt who moved into cloudsdale and was having trouble making friends. Until he meets a young filly named rainbow dash and she became his first Friend. while the years go by and these friends become closer like brother and sister and blitz have encountered a great Feelings towards The beautiful Rainbow Mare. But what happen when he saw something that broke his heart and left town. Now three years past and he went back to a place where it all started.

Chapters (13)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 74 )
Comment posted by Asashi - Dark Fist Inari deleted Jan 18th, 2016

A few spelling and grammatical errors but a interesting world to move around and grow as a author in.

So shoot to the stars or sink to the bottom. ill be watching you climb or fall either way

Two years had past and Blitz graduated and became a doctor

Well, that was fast. Congrats, Blitz...

6852030 well i know its fast but it equestria logic so yolo xD

Comment posted by Vitae deleted Jan 24th, 2016
Comment posted by DarthChan deleted Jan 24th, 2016
Comment posted by Vitae deleted Jan 24th, 2016
Comment posted by DarthChan deleted Jan 24th, 2016
Comment posted by Vitae deleted Jan 24th, 2016
Comment posted by DarthChan deleted Jan 24th, 2016

I got deja vu when it got to the medic part!

Like every normal pony up in the sky, we see a dash of rainbow flying across the sky.

The ponies in Cloudsdale are not normal, they are pegasi. You should replace ‘normal ponies’ to ‘pegasi’. I think that not everpony would be able to see Dash do her speed trail, I would be using the phrase ‘A majority of the pegasi saw her' or something of the sort. Dash is not used to describe things in the sky, I suggest using streak instead.

{Please note, that the stuff I am writing are just suggestions and I am not forcing you to use them.}

Everypony in Cloudsdale focused their attention as they spotted the fastest filly in all in Equestria.

It is supposed to go like this ‘Everypony in Cloudsdale focused their attention on (Insert Noun Here)’.

“ALRIGHT! 10 SECONDS NEW WORLD RECORD,” said filly Rainbow Dash, who was cheering for herself when she did a speed trail all over Cloudsdale

I think cheering should not be used here, cheering is used when someone is doing the actions that the cheerers support in the present time. You should use ‘congratulating’, remove the ‘for if you are going to use the word I just said.

While she was walking to the nearest shop to buy a drink, she notices a new pony moving into Cloudsdale.

Maybe you should try, ‘While she was walking to the nearest shop to buy a drink, she notices a pony she does not recognize.’ How would she know they are moving in? They could have just been visiting relatives or something.

She was interested in who it could be. She rushes into the nearest bush and sneaks her way to a tree. While she was hiding in the tree

You can plant trees and bushes on clouds? Wow I guess my idea on living in a cloud might work! I’m being sarcastic.

there were couples of bullies calling him a loser or small fry or other names

Here, ‘there were couples of bullies calling him names’

I didn’t like those so-called friends of yours that you use to hang out. There behavior towards you was unaccepted

‘I didn’t like those so-called friends that you used to hang out with. Their behavior towards you was unacceptable’

“Well thank you Rainbow Dash. My name is Great White, and this is my wife, Sapphire, and my son, Red Blitz. See son, you can make friends in no time. Well, I’ll leave you two to know each other,” Blitz’s father said while Sapphire follows behind him

Are Blitz’s parents this irresponsible?

A smirk came across Blitz’s face and thought about something to see if she wasn’t kidding if she was more than a fan then him

‘A smirk came across Blitz’s face, he thought about something to see if she wasn’t kidding that she was more of a fan than him.’

Blitz honey, it’s late. Say goodbye to Rainbow. It’s time for dinner.” Sapphire said which Blitz told his mom he was coming.

Please insert this sentence before this one I just quoted. ‘Sapphire walked into the scene.’

“Heh, you’re so on! I think I believe I made a new best friend. Well, I’ll catch you tomorrow Blitz.” With that she flew up and wave goodbye to Blitz, flying away and disappearing into the dark.

I’m pretty sure that people don’t just say ‘You’re my new best friend!’. After what Rainbow said ‘With that she waved goodbye to Blitz, flying away into the distance, until Blitz could see her no more.’

Five years have past and Blitz moved to Ponyville when he was old enough and can afford a house. His parents still lived in Cloudsdale..

‘Five years have past and Blitz moved to Ponyville, when he was old enough and can afford a house. His parents still lived in Ponyville.

Blitz said while pushing his sled down the mountain going full speed. He couldn’t stop the sled and notice that he was heading to Ponyville.

‘Blitz said while pushing his sled down the mountain, going full speed. He couldn’t stop the sled and noticed that he was heading for Ponyville.’

As he recovers his conscious

As he recovers his consciousness

“Well, at least that’s out the way. What’s next on agenda?”

‘ “Well, at least that’s out of the way. What’s next on the agenda?” ’

He was about to yell her name, but hid behind the tree and notices an orange pony with a cowboy hat

‘He was about to yell her name, but noticed an orange pony, with a cowboy hat, and hid behind a tree.’

interrupted by a twig snapping getting both mares attention.

He deliberately stepped on a twig to catch their attention. He is really good at making things more dramatic.

Sorry, but I can only do one chapter per day.

>Bad grammar

>7 deleted comments

>11 likes, 2 dislikes


whatthedickdong.jpg

6960762

I can't do it anymore T~T it hurts to read...like actually hurts my eyes to read gl man I gotta go get glasses now.

Doing my best, but hasn't been easy to edit.

Well now... this story does have my interest to see. I feel so bad to see Red Blitz just got heart broken. Wonder if he'll be alright to see if he doesn't want to meet Rainbow Dash and/or Applejack too soon cause it'll be either good or really bad. Still though, I wonder if Rainbow did actually talked with her friends if they've seen her friend, but probably not I guess.

Okay well this took an unexpected turn of event and I really like the HELLO song. I wonder what'll be happening in the next chapter?

Damn... that escalated real quick and a shocker. I'm guessing that both Rainbow Dash and Applejack will be suffering a lot of consequences like Karma, loneliness, regrets, and/or probably guilt for what they did to their own friend Bolt and his own feelings.

that Escalated very fast and my god... Rainbow sounded like a little kid when she had that explanation. They had no right to unleash their anger at him Rainbow and Applejack. Both of you need to go to anger management.

Wow. That was quick. :moustache:

Hooray for new cover art!

Needs more editing. But it is a nice start. I'll see where this goes.:moustache:

I like how tbis story is progressing!:moustache:
Can't wait to see what will happen next!

TLP

Another good, but dead story

Damn it

7448724 Actually is not dead I have the chapters ready but I'm looking through if I didnt rush nothing so it's not dead so stay tune for the next chapter :ajsmug:

7450774 why is Red Blitz called Bolt in chapter 5? :rainbowhuh:

*Silently Prays For New Chapter Soon* Plz

I can't even get past the story description. Spell checker. Or an editor.

I thought this story was dead,glad I was wrong:yay:

New chapter and hit straight in the feels!:moustache:

Keep up the great work!

Good to see that BM is so supportive of him coming back. And I can guess who that is in the dream.:moustache: Good chappy!

“Can I ask you a question, Red?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Um…Sure.” He looks at the filly and waited for the question.

“Why didn’t you stay dead?”

Oh the little manure....

Yeah, I gotta say you lost me here.

7721576 i know, never thought Applebloom would be so dark :fluttercry:

i love the fact that the story is updated, but WHEN ARE APPLEJACK AND RAINBOW DASH GONNA REALIZE THEIR MISTAKE THEY MADE 3 YEARS AGO AND SUFFER THE SAME PAIN THAT THEY GAVE TO RED BLITZ THEN AND NOW?!?!?! :twilightangry2: :flutterrage:

7454489 I Apologize ill fix it right away also that name came out from my other fic i'm currently working on both.

I really hope Red Blitz gets the respect he deserves...

I recently heard a song that would suit this story somewhat well at the part where Apple Bloom says "Why didn't you stay dead?" It's called "Welcome To My Life" by Simple Plan

7721892 lol, i guess you watched the cartoon movie Bolt and that name got stuck in your head? :derpytongue2:

Good chappie. Only, for personal taste, the protagonist suddenly gets too OP here.

Also, LYRA!

This has just enough to add to my favorites. I'm guessing English isn't your first language? Because there are various grammical errors and some spelling and structural issues. It is slightly rushed. Overall it's a great start.

7731590 That is correct my good sir, my first language isn't English and also i know there might be alot of errors in the story but like i said i'm doing this cause of the fun of it and the imagination i have in my mind. i also i'm trying to not rush things, cause i read alot of fics but in all way it was good but it was way too rush in the romance, but i'm not going to do that cause i have plans for future chapter on what's going to happen. So i really hope everyone who's reading this Story is enjoying it and waiting for the next chapter. i also working on two more fiction that few readers are dying to read another chapter. if your interested to read one of them check out my work and hope you like it. ^^

Why do I get the feeling Applejack and Rainbow Dash are going to do something to mess with Red Blitz in the future?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!