The Chapter Where Ship Hits The Fan
By appearances, it was a perfectly ordinary Tuesday in Equestria. The birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing from flower to flower, and a small burst of light heralded the arrival of a snakelike spirit of Chaos outside the garden of a tiny cottage on the outskirts of the pastoral village of Ponyville.
Discord bent his long head and sniffed one of the pale yellow flowers in Fluttershy's garden. He crossed his arms, studying it; then snapped one of his claws, conjuring a bouquet of them.
He looked at the bouquet with a frown. “Probably too much,” he muttered, snapping his claws again and turning them into a small bunch of balloons. “Too… Pinkie Pie.” Another snap of his claw, and he was left with a tasteful glass vase with three of the yellow flowers, with a pink ribbon tied on to the neck of the vase, leading up to a single slightly darker pink balloon.
He smiled, gripped the vase, and gave the flowers a long sniff. They smelled like…
Discord paused, lowered the flowers, tilted his head to one side, and breathed deeply a few more times. “What is that?” He opened his maw and gave a few tentative smacks of his tongue against his teeth. “The air tastes like… some kind of magic. But what...”
A warm, insistent sensation on his scaly leg drew his attention. He turned his head and did a wide-eyed double-take at the sight—and feeling—of a small, patchy-coated dog getting much too familiar with his leg.
“Hold on there, mister...” He thrust his lion paw downward and picked the creature up by the nape of the neck. It continued panting at him in a manner he didn't feel entirely comfortable with. “At least buy a guy a drink before you go for the funny business, big… guy?”
Discord brought it up to eye level and performed the brief ritual described colloquially as “checking under the hood.” He raised an eyebrow, lowered the animal a few paw-spans, and batted at a few insects that had begun to buzz around him. “Or girl. I suppose that can be a thing…”
The dog yipped at him. It squirmed, making a clear bid to shake loose from his grip. Then, as if sensing the futility of its attempts, it went limp and began to howl.
Discord frowned at the animal. He snapped a claw, summoning a soft but firm muzzle and harness for the creature. That dealt with, he sighed, wondering what he should do with it.
Another several buzzing creatures distracted him again. But then something on the periphery of Discord's hearing drew his attention. He looked back toward the nearby Everfree, squinting at first, then using his free claw to extend his eyes out in the manner of a pair of binoculars.
A group of animals was emerging from the tree line and seemed to be heading his way.
He frowned and re-formed his eyes. “Now, wait a minute.” He started watching the bugs around him, then struck with unlikely speed, pinching one between his thumb and index claw, and bringing it up in front of his eyes. Which he promptly shaped into a pair of microscopes.
“Female,” he muttered. He looked back toward the creatures stampeding his way from the Everfree, then raised his claw and brought his head down to his armpit. “I didn't accidentally put on Eau de Kavorka this morning, did I?” He sniffed, then scowled. “No, that's definitely Eau de Toilette...”
Another glance at the creatures brought the sight of several bears and the silhouettes of still less pleasant things behind them. Discord swallowed, then set the dog down. It came after him again, so he erected a small bubble of force around it, then conjured a small egg-timer and dropped it nearby. “That buys us a few minutes without you, missy. Now, maybe Fluttershy knows what's going on...”
He picked the vase back up again and started slithering part-way up the path to her house, but eventually stopped and stared at the open door. He couldn't see much inside, save that it was dark, which was unusual considering the number of windows she had. Discord looked down, gathering his thoughts… and spotted a number of small red things adorning the path.
He bent down, picked one up in his claw, sniffed it, and ate it, just to be extra sure they were indeed rose petals.
He looked up again. “Uh, Fluttershy? Are you… in there?”
“I am,” she called back from the darkness. Her voice was quiet, as always, but this time also seemed… strong. Insistent.
Discord took a few more steps toward the door, holding onto the vase like a life-line. “Is everything alright?”
He heard a small laugh. “Oh, yes. Everything is going to be all right, now that you're here.”
Discord reached the door and craned his neck around. He could see that heavy drapes had been hung over the windows, but most of the rest of the inside was dark. The only real illumination was provided by tall beeswax candles that were set here and there throughout the front hall and living room, and that really only let him see enough to get the impression that her floor's usual mess of feathers and shed hair had been meticulously swept clean.
He glanced back at the animals who were still heading toward him. “Well, I can't say that I quite understand your choice of décor, but would it be alright if I came in and shut the door? The animals seem to be acting a bit… well, drawn to me today.”
He heard a giggle from around a corner in the living room. “I would love nothing more than for you to come in and close the door.” Another giggle. “Actually, I might like what'll happen after even more."
Discord blinked a few times, then shook a thought loose from his head.
He turned and closed the door.
“Go ahead and lock it,” Fluttershy breathed.
Discord obliged. “Now, I really must insist that you tell me… ee… eeee...”
Fluttershy emerged from around a corner, moving slowly, keeping her lidded eyes fixed on him as she exaggerated every motion. Discord's eyes were drawn to the sheer black negligee she wore, which swished seductively, and somehow made the ordinarily unclothed pegasus somehow look… well, naked.
He picked his jaw up off the floor, realizing only after the fact that it had fallen. The vase had, too. “Oh sorry, let me...” He snapped a claw, and the shattered mess of glass and flora transformed into a large and heavy iron shield.
Discord looked down at the shield, then at the pegasus slinking toward him, then at the shield again, contemplating both why he'd inadvertently created it and whether he ought to pick the thing up and use it.
She moved up close to him, met his eyes, and reached her forehooves up toward his shoulders. “I thought we'd have a little something different for Tuesday Tea.”
Discord opened his mouth to protest, but shuddered with sensation as her hooves began to press down into his shoulders. “Sweet Celestia, that spot's been tense since I got out of that statue...”
Fluttershy gave him a knowing smile. “Maybe you should lie down and let me… do some work?”
Discord began sweating. He’d played-out such a scene with her in daydreams more than once, and to make matters worse, his shoulders really did need a once-over. But he could still smell the cloying scent of ambient magic all around them, and his memory of the dog was far too recent. “Fluttershy, this is all a bit...” He waved a claw indistinctly as he struggled for the words.
She lowered her hooves to the ground again. “Do you like what I've done with the place? It's all for you, you know. Well, for both of us, really...”
Discord fidgeted with his tail, stalling for time to think. “Uh… those animals out there seem very… interested in me. There was this dog...”
Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “That bitch!” She burst out laughing, then draped her forelegs around Discord's midriff. “Oh, I'm sorry, I just had to say it. Patches is a good little doggie, but she should know the studliest Draconequus in all Equestria needs a real mare.”
“Heh. Heh.” Discord swallowed. “Fluttershy, what's going on here?”
She ran a hoof southward across his torso. “I’m just saying ‘hello’ to the stallion who I know will warm up my days and set fire to my nights!”
Discord jerked backward. An iron chastity belt flashed into existence over his loins. “Fluttershy! Y… you can’t do this! I mean, this simply isn't like you!”
She smiled and shook her head. “I know you think it isn't, but you don’t know my little secret.” She adjusted a strand of mane hanging down over her face. “I know I'm quiet and… well, shy around most ponies, but for a while now there's been a part of me… that wants a part of you… that I would like to be a lot less shy with.”
Discord startled at a series of heavy thumps that fell against Fluttershy's door. Grunts and roars from outside told him that the animals were trying to get in.
Fluttershy sighed. “Here, let me use my stare to send those girls away. You just wait right there, and we can get more comfy in a moment.”
Discord backed away. “Oh, don't you worry my dear, I don't have the least urge to investigate why the females of all species in your corner of the Everfree seem to want to jump my magnificent bones today! And I'm definitely not taking a mental inventory of who could help me with that.” She gave him a sidelong look, but turned toward the door… and as soon as her back was turned, Discord snapped his claw and flashed out of her home.
Discord flashed back into reality at the entrance to the Map Room in Twilight’s castle.
“What a dump,” he said, scanning the place. On a good day, it tended to look like a tornado of books had blown through; but this was worse even than the norm. It was like there was a two-inch-thick strata of books covering the entire room. The map table itself usually glistened in the sunlight streaming from the windows, but it too was awash in books.
Discord spotted movement amid the books on the center of the table. What had at first appeared to be an oddly-shaped tome rose, revealing itself as the horn of a bespectacled Twilight Sparkle.
She studied him slack-jawed. “Discord!” She began to pant. “I didn’t realize you would show up here, in the flesh…”
He took a step forward, trying to jam his hoof through a small gap in the book-layer separating him from the actual floor. “Yes, well, I didn’t realize somepony was going to cast a cruel spell on poor Fluttershy. Is there any chance you might know anything about that?”
Twilight reached for one of the books. “I might. A couple months ago, I was running an experiment that accidentally detected a new source of background magic. I still don’t know what’s generating it, but I’ve observed all kinds of disruption to female test subjects of all species when I’ve artificially induced a high concentration of it. And over the last thirty-six hours, its concentration has started growing exponentially, all on its own. I’ve been trying to warn the Sisters, but they’ve gone silent…”
Discord studied the ground, seeking another place where he could step. “Well, that’s not reassuring.” His quest for a free patch of ground wasn’t yielding much. He sighed and looked up again, taking in the room’s fully disorganized splendor. “If I may share an ancient Draconequus compliment, my dear Twilight, I’ve got to say you’ve really let yourself go.”
Twilight laughed, but it didn’t carry even the faintest hint of amusement. Discord wondered if it was, perhaps, meant to be ingratiating.
“Oh, I really haven’t, yet,” she said, batting her eyes at him. “But maybe you could help me with that?”
“Um, actually I was hoping you could help me with that spell on Fluttershy…”
Twilight rose on her hind legs and put her forehooves on her hips, giving him a flat look. “Come on, are we going to spend our whole day talking about her? What about… us?”
Discord gawped.
Twilight’s features softened, and a smile reemerged. “Now I’ll confess you’ve caught me just a little unprepared. I mean, look at this place!” She turned to look at the Map Table, and her horn lit up, and all the clutter on it was simply swept aside. “Much better, don’t you agree?”
His jaw worked soundlessly as he struggled to find any but the most obvious explanation for what the Princess of Friendship was doing. “Um, Twilight, you should know that you’re easily one of my top-three favorite ponies who I’ve ever had the pleasure of bothering… and at the same time I’ve been glad to be your friend, but…”
“Oh, will you shut up?!” She reached out with her magic, slung a band of purplish force around him, and began dragging him toward her through the midst of the book-covered floor like a heavy-prowed ship breaking through a floe of ice. While doing so, she also took the time to clamber atop the Map Table and recline there, wriggling and grinning ear-to-ear.
Discord tried to struggle free of her magical grasp, but found it much too strong. “Well, that’s just great,” he muttered. “If whatever’s going on has started affecting Twilight now too, I’d better bring in the big guns...”
He snapped his claw, flashing out of existence.
Discord appeared inside the throne room in Celestia's and Luna's castle in Canterlot. Or at least, he appeared inside the flaming wreckage thereof. The thrones themselves were toppled-over, and the majestic, red-carpeted steps leading up to them were scorched and covered in random detritus. Discord's jaw went slack as he looked around. He noted major structural damage, shattered stained-glass windows, and small fires licking here and there.
He nodded to himself. “Looks like Celly finally changed interior decorators.”
Discord turned as a gruff voice from the side of the room shouted, “There he is!” He saw a group of stallions with spears and battered armor charge in from an adjoining chamber. He was just beginning to think of a witty rejoinder when, from his other side, he heard, “My Lady, we've found him!” Discord looked the other way, and saw another group of guards charging in as well.
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, all right, everypony...” He threw his arms wide, there was a flash, and he was suddenly bedecked with parachute pants, shutter-shades, and a number of gold chains. “Stop! Discord-time!” Twin waves of force projected from his paw and claw, knocking both squads of guards off their hooves. “I don't know what's going on, but I'm just here to speak with...”
“Discord!” came a voice from the side of the room where the first squad had come from. He looked, and spotted Princess Celestia's elegant long-horned head poking out from around a corner. “Quickly, to me!” she shouted.
Discord flashed his new accessories away and slithered over to her. “Thank… well, you that I found you. I haven't been outside my home dimension for ten minutes, and it's all I can do to beat every female I run into off with a stick.”
Celesia laughed. “'Beating them off?' That sounds a bit… provocative.”
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Ha, ha. Very funny. Now look, we've got a serious problem here.”
Celestia beckoned him around the corner into a very dark room. “Sounds a bit like my day. Come on, we can talk inside.”
Discord studied the heavy door he was about to walk through. It looked like a great slab of dark marble, but with silver filigree around its edges. “Is that a rune of warding?”
She chucked as she lit up her horn and pulled him into the room. “It's ten runes of warding.” She released him, then closed the door and actuated its handle with her hoof. It was almost pitch-dark inside. “I just sealed it. There's no way she can get to us now.”
Discord heaved a sigh. “That sounds good, but who is trying to get to me? I mean, what's going on here?”
He heard the sound of hooves on stone. “Why, Luna, of course,” Celestia said from somewhere in the darkness. “It sounds like this isn't your first stop on the material plane today? So you've seen this happening elsewhere, too?”
Discord squinted. “Sorry to hear about ol' Moonbutt. Honestly, I can't believe whatever this is has spread so far.”
Celestia laughed again. “She was always a bit jealous of us, or don't you remember?”
Discord sighed. “Seriously? I thought you never wanted to talk about that again. I mean, it's been ages. Literally, at this point.”
“Yes, but I remember...” Discord couldn't see much, but he could feel that she was closer now. “Do you remember our last night together?”
Discord's back stiffened. “Um, Celestia?”
He felt hot breath on his face. A glow split the darkness before him. Celestia was close indeed. She reared up with her forehooves, brought them up against his chest, and pressed him—firmly but carefully—down to the ground.
She smiled and lidded her eyes. “I remember you reversing gravity, switching its polarity, and just doing that over and over again...” She moved astride him, and lowered her warm body to nestle with his. “And even though it's been forever, I just wonder if you still might be able to do that again...”
Discord shoved her with all his might. “Sweet Tartarus, what are you doing?!”
Celestia licked her lips. “Feeling a bit rough tonight?” Her horn flared, and Discord yelped at a rump-smack from a whip made of energy.
He scrambled back up to his hooves. “You can't possibly be serious. You broke things off with me!”
Celestia threw her head back and gave an almighty laugh. “And am I not allowed to change my mind? No, I tire of watching from afar as Twilight seeks an understanding of her desires from a book, and I tire especially of hearing about Fluttershy and her ongoing attempts to make you gentle.” She stalked toward him again. “They are mortal; they can't know the fire you are capable of.”
Discord backed away from her. “Celestia, I'm flattered, really I am. But… if you must know, I've been holding myself back since being set free for a reason. I made such a mess of things with you last time… I mean, you petrified me for a millennium, and I can't say that I didn't deserve it.” He swallowed. “And… as much as you may not want to hear this… I've kind of moved on...”
Her muzzle crinkled with anger. “Nonsense. What we had was true love.”
It was Discord's turn to laugh. “Well, excuuuuuse me, princess, I thought what we had was a good time.” He quieted. “Which… honestly, was a big part of why it never would have worked between us in the long run. I mean, you're immortal. I'm immortal. Can you imagine trying to put up with each other's quirks for all eternity?”
Celestia's nostrils flared almost as much as her horn was doing. “Care to run that by me one more time?!”
Discord tapped a claw on his chin. “True love.” He cocked his head to the side. “Princess-level magic, and true love.” He gave Celestia a wry grin. “When this is over, I promise I won't make too much fun of you. All of this really can't be your fault.”
He smirked and snapped a claw.
Absolutely nothing happened.
Celestia smirked back at him. “Ten runes of warding is a lot to get through, lover.”
Discord's face fell. He picked it back up and formed it into a deep scowl. “You have to let me out of here. If even you have been affected by what's going on, there's no telling what state the rest of Equestria is in.”
She brought her face right up to his, and gave a predatory smile. “I'll make you a deal. You give me what I want, hard, and I'll give you what you want, easy.”
A massive pounding noise, accompanied by a powerful shaking sensation, forestalled Discord's thought process. “What was that?”
Celestia snarled and looked in the direction of the door.
The world bucked again. Discord also looked at the door. “That can't be...”
The door exploded inward. Both Discord and Celestia erected bubbles of force to keep the remnants of heavily-warded marble from harming them.
In the hall outside was the silhouette of another tall figure with both a horn and wings.
“Thou shalt give up thy prize, sister!”
Discord and Celestia exchanged glances. “Hi, Luna. Thanks for breaking the seal,” Discord taunted. “But it seems like what we have here is a problem of love gone bad, and when it comes to love, there's only one pony who sits at the forefront of my mind...”
“Who?!” the alicorn sisters hissed in unison.
Discord gave them a roguish wink before flashing out of existence again.
Discord reappeared in the throne room of the Crystal Palace in the Crystal Empire. His breath was visible as he exhaled, and he shivered a little as the chill of the northern air washed over him.
“Discord?!”
He turned, looking up at the crystal throne, seeing a very pregnant Cadance sitting very cross-legged in the throne. There was a wild look in her eyes, and the fur around her lower lip looked ragged, as if she had been chewing it.
“My goodness,” he said. “First, congratulations seem to be in order...”
“THANKS!” The word came from behind Discord, and made him jump. He turned and found himself uncomfortably close to a bloodshot and wide-eyed Shining Armor. The unicorn prince’s face twitched several times in rapid succession.
Discord raised his paw and claw defensively. “Ah, you must be the… lucky father. Twilight's brother, right?”
Shining barked a laugh, then gritted his teeth, looking uncomfortably similar to an unhinged Twilight. “Oh yes! We're happy! We can't WAIT to have that foal!”
Cadance gave an odd laugh at that, and began chewing her lip again with a fury. “Yes… we must have the foal...”
Discord looked back and forth between the royal couple. “Now, if you'll forgive my being a bit forward, it seems apparent here that something is… amiss.”
The royal pair exchanged strange laughter and meaningful glances again.
Discord sighed. “Would anypony be so kind as to drop me a hint or two about why the buck every female in Equestria has been trying to hump me all day?” He looked at Cadance. “I suppose that is, except for you, my dear…”
This set off another eruption of unfunny laughs from the royal couple. Cadance shuddered. “Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I mean, I'd like to… well, I mean, just not with you...”
Shining laughed so hard that he began to cough and hack. “Oh, not at all. The things she thinks about you… tell him, dear…”
Discord furrowed his brow.
Cadance twitched. “That was part of why I started thinking about you, actually. I'm sorry, but to be brutally honest with you… I find you the least attractive creature in all Equestria!”
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. “Will somepony please start making sense here?!”
Shining Armor grabbed him by the shoulders. “It's the foal, Discord. We can't risk harming the foal!”
Discord looked between them again. “Who's talking about harming your foal?”
Cadance laughed. “Oh, it's just something that my mother told me. Can't have… you know.”
Shining barked another laugh at him. “YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS!”
Discord cleared his throat. “Do you, by chance, mean… l'acte d'amour?”
The royal couple howled with nervous laughter. Cadance was the first to emerge with a semblance of working speech. “Yes! Yes! She told me… after we had been engaged… she told me...”
Shining pressed down on Discord's shoulders, and began to throttle him. “WE HAVEN'T DONE IT IN AT LEAST SIX MONTHS!!!”
Discord slowly removed Shining Armor's hooves from his shoulders. “So… let me get this straight.” He pointed a claw at Cadance. “You are the Princess of Love, and you're happily married, and very much in love, and pregnant as a result of that happy marriage and love, but somepony told you something monumentally stupid, and now you're inadvertently messing with the hearts of all the females in Equestria because you're just holding all that love-energy up inside you instead of siphoning it off occasionally with your loving husband?”
Cadance twitched. “Am I doing that to all Equestria?”
Discord tapped his chin. “About the only thing that doesn't make sense is why every female seems fixated on me.”
Shining snickered. “IT'S BECAUSE SHE HATES YOU!”
Cadance tutted at him. “I don't hate Discord, Shiny; I just think he’s really unattractive.” She blushed. “Sorry, Discord.”
Discord sighed. “Yes, well, no accounting for taste and all that.” He pursed his lips. “So, you realize that there's no established scientific evidence that doing… reasonable things during a pregnancy can threaten the foal, right?”
There was a blur of motion, and Shining's hooves were on him again, and the unicorn's face was pressed so close to Discord's that the Draconequus contemplated forming a hole to admit Shining's horn. “DUDE, DO NOT EVEN MESS WITH ME ON THIS OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!!”
Cadance yelped. “Shiny!” She paused, composing herself. “Discord, I want to believe you, but what you’re saying sounds like a bad joke. I mean, could I have truly unleashed a burst of uncontrolled love-energy throughout Equestria just by holding myself back from Shiny for too long and focusing my thoughts on you instead?!”
He exhaled, wishing with all his might that Shining would take the hint. “Look… I’ve been a total train-wreck when it comes to love. All it ever got me was…” He frowned. “Loneliness. And, y’know, turned to stone. So yeah, I’m being honest. You guys have a good thing; there’s no need to torture yourselves.”
Shining and Cadance locked eyes for a moment. Then the prince turned back to Discord. “DOES THAT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS?!”
Discord batted him away. “Well, I certainly hope it means that I can get some tea and some actual conversation at some point today...”
Shining leaped away from Discord, already galloping toward the crystal throne. Cadance shrieked, hurling herself off the throne and gliding down toward him. The two met in a furious whirlwind of touch and kissing…
...and almost as an afterthought, the two looked up at Discord, and set their horns alight.
A hammer of magical force slammed into Discord. He was blown backward and out through the heavy crystal doors of their throne room. The doors closed behind him with a crash.
Discord groaned and scooped himself up off the floor. A small group of royal guards clustered around him, whispering. He shook his head, bringing them into better focus. He frowned as he realized they were all female, and all smiling.
“Ladies, please,” Discord said, raising his paw and claw before him. His eyes darted toward the door. “Now, if you'll indulge me...” He reached into a fold in his torso that hadn't been there a moment before, and pulled out a pocketwatch hanging from a long chain. “Would anypony care to take bets about how many seconds it'll take for those two to...”
The guards all shuddered as one. They looked at the ground and each touched a hoof to their foreheads. Then they all looked up at him again. Each bore different looks on their faces; some seemed confused, while others were disgusted, and a few even seemed to look horrified.
“Everypony loves a happy ending,” Discord simpered. “Though I do suppose I ought to go see how the other three are doing...”
He raised his claw to snap it, but paused, and inclined his head toward the door. “And thank you, Shining Armor, and your je ne sais quoi that may have just saved all of Equestria.”
He snapped his claw, and disappeared.
Discord reappeared in Celestia and Luna's burning throne room. However, things were already looking a bit better; crews of guardsponies were hauling buckets of water here and there, extinguishing the small fires and discussing plans to deal with bigger ones. Discord looked about, hoping to spot the two Princesses, but didn’t see them.
He made his way to the side of the room, seeking the warded chamber he'd escaped not long before. He poked his head around the corner, seeing that the chamber was still awash in darkness.
There was a sobbing sound from within.
“I'm so sorry,” Celestia bleated.
“Nay, Sister,” a voice thick with tears replied. “I cannot believe I was so taken with that awful creature...”
Discord coughed. “Hello, awful creature here. Is everypony all right?”
There were the sounds of two large ponies sucking in breath. Then the sound of hooves approaching. Then Celestia began to emerge into the light.
She inclined her head. “Hello, Discord. I trust you were the one who uncovered the source of the horrid thrall that the females of Canterlot have been under?”
Discord sighed. “Left-hooved with your compliments as always, Celly. Well, if you must know, Cadance was at the heart of all this.”
Celestia's eyebrows climbed. “Is she alright?”
Discord gestured with his claw, trying to think of the best way to express what had happened. “I… believe so, yes. Though really, I can't take credit for… helping her. It's Shining Armor who deserves the credit. Well, and I suppose, so does Cadance herself...”
Celestia cocked her head. “Do I want to know the details?”
“Let's just say that, as long as those two stay on good terms, Equestria should be safe from anything like that again.”
Celestia nodded. There was a moment of quiet between them. Discord started to reach a claw toward her, but then set it back against his side. “So… you still think about the gravity thing, huh?”
From inside the room, Luna shouted, “What gravity thing? Sister, thou dost never tell me anything!”
Celestia drew herself up to her full height. “Go now,” she hissed. “And we never speak of this again.”
Discord took the hint and flashed himself away.
Discord appeared back in the book-miasma of Twilight’s Map Room. He looked about, and shuddered as his eyes fell on the still-clear Map Table. “Twilight?”
There was a rustle from the back of the room. Discord turned to see a purple head poke itself up from a pile of books, though he frowned at the realization that it wasn't the purple head he'd been expecting.
Spike balanced twin stacks of books in his outstretched claws. “Uh… Discord? Do you know what's been going on here?”
Discord frowned. “Where's Twilight?”
Spike's brows furrowed. “Well, that's the thing. A couple minutes ago she ran past me up the stairs, crying and shouting that I should go clean up the Map Room. And… she said something about sanitizing the Map Table itself. Did… do you think she got something on it?”
Discord facepalmed. “Oh, for the love of… no, Spike, nopony got anything on the Map Table. But did she seem okay? I mean, was she just… embarrassed?”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, her face was pretty red, too. Seriously, do you know what she was up to down here? All she's said for the last couple of days is that she needed to research something, but some of these books she'd pulled out...” He blushed, then pointed a claw at a random book laying on the floor. “I glanced at that one. Turns out that it's… dirty. If y'know what I mean.”
Discord shook his head. “Y’know, kid, what’s ironic is that this was the last thing I wanted to end up doing to any mare in Equestria, much less to my closest friends.”
Spike stared at him with a blank expression. Then his eyes narrowed. “Did you do something to Twilight?” His nostrils began to flare. “Did you do something to Rarity?”
“No and no… but hey, look at the time!”
And with that, he flashed away.
As he floated in a moment of pure nothingness, Discord weighed the question of where exactly he wanted to reappear for his last planned visit of the day: Inside or out?
“Better not risk the dog thing again,” he muttered into the void.
With a flash, Discord was back in Fluttershy's front entry way. He looked from side to side, noting that the home was still darkened, and the candles were still lit. Fluttershy sat on the couch, still wearing the gauzy negligee, but now holding a porcelain cup in her forehooves as well. Another cup sat steaming on the small coffee table before her.
Discord stepped closer. “Hi, Fluttershy. Are you… how are you doing?”
She blushed, but patted the spot next to her on the couch. “I'm okay, but… you probably guessed that there's something I'd like to talk about.”
Discord studied her expression before slithering over. “Thank Celestia,” he said, settling in and picking up the tea. You won't believe the day I've had, and I've not been in the material plane for fifteen minutes!”
Fluttershy's smile faded. She looked down at her tea. “It seems like something… happened, both to me, and to all the girls out there.”
Discord waved a claw. “Just a little bad parenting advice from Cadance's mom.” Fluttershy gave him an incredulous look. “No, I'm serious. That's all it was in the end.”
Fluttershy frowned. “And… you gave her good advice, to fix it?”
He choked on his tea. “I can't take credit for fixing it. Thank Twilight's brother for that.”
Fluttershy pursed her lips and nodded. “So, her magic went haywire?”
“Completely.”
She nodded again. “And was... every female in Equestria after you as a result?”
He laughed. “Everything from the bugs all the way up to Celestia herself.” Seeing Fluttershy’s surprise, he shrugged. “It’s more believable than you’d think. We had a thing back in the day.”
Fluttershy frowned. “So this magic… made them feel things… that they otherwise wouldn't have?”
Discord nodded. “And thank Celestia that it's over. Or, well, thank Cadance. Whatever.” He furrowed his brow. “Fluttershy, you seem awfully bothered about this. It's okay, really; you don't have to feel bad about what Cadance's crazy magic made you do. I know you're a good friend, and I'm… happy with that. I really am.”
Fluttershy's expression hardened. “What happened wasn't entirely Cadance's fault.” She looked up, meeting his eyes. “I don't think that I was… there yet. But I might've gotten there.”
Discord stared at her. “Fluttershy? What are you saying?”
She set her tea down, and gestured at her negligee. “I bought... this... a few weeks ago. You know, before it all started.”
Discord laughed, but then stopped and went silent. “You… wait, you mean...”
Fluttershy blushed, and looked at the floor. “It was silly. I don't even know if you could ever feel the same way about me. I mean, you're...” She looked at him with misting eyes. “I mean, I'm definitely no Celestia...”
Discord snapped his claw, turning his mug of tea into a large, pillowy handkerchief. “No, Fluttershy, please don't cry. It's not silly. It’s just something that I… I don’t know if I can do right now.” He daubed at her tears, then laughed. “Though for what it's worth, I'm glad you're not Celestia.”
She looked at him again. “I’m not sure I understand.”
Discord smiled. “Fluttershy, before I met you I'd had lovers here and there, but never a real friend. And… I don't want to ruin that.” He touched his paw to her chin. “I don't exactly have a good track record with love, but I do think… honestly, it's not a question of interest for me. I just… need to not screw things up with you. And I always screw things up, eventually.”
Fluttershy sobbed into the handkerchief. She inched closer to him on the couch, and against his better judgment, he found himself encircling her in a hug, pulling her closer, feeling both her softness and the gentle abrasiveness of her negligee.
Her crying slowed, and she stared up at him with eyes that wetly reflected the room's candle light. “I'm sorry that this was the way you had to find out how I feel.”
He took a deep breath. “And… I'm sorry that I'm… scared.” He sighed. “You'd think that an immortal would be better about time management vis-a-vis figuring out how to not mess up a relationship he cares about. But… maybe I've just never… had one before.”
Fluttershy half-sobbed a laugh. “You probably shouldn't tell that to Celestia...”
Discord laughed. “Ah, no, it turns out she's still kind of sensitive about it.” His smile faded. “I need time, Fluttershy. Time to think… to figure out if I can do this without… hurting you.”
She raised a hoof up to his cheek. “I'm not immortal,” she whispered. “I can wait for you, but not forever.”
Discord swallowed. “I… know. And I promise, I'll figure this out.” He chuckled. “Maybe I can get some advice from Cadance. She probably owes me one.”
Fluttershy nodded, then lowered her head and pressed it into the side of his body. A long silence stretched between them. The only sounds were of their breathing, and of the occasional adjustment of Discord's body against the couch.
Eventually, he ran a claw through her hair. “I know this isn’t quite what you had in mind, but it has been a long day, and we both seem pretty comfortable...”
“Mm-hmm.”
Discord hesitated. “Fluttershy?”
“Mm-hmm?”
He took a deep breath. “Would you... like to sleep with me?”
A pause. And then: “Mm-hmm.”
Discord slowly began to recline back onto the couch. He pulled her just a little closer, and then closed his eyes. Fluttershy adjusted with him, and eventually she ended up lying on top of him.
There was another long silence. Discord’s breathing became slower.
“I can hear your heart,” she mumbled, waking him back up a little.
He lowered his paw onto her side, grinning. “I can feel your undies.”
Fluttershy snickered, then gave him a soft hit with a forehoof.
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New story hype!
Reading this hilarious story was a pleasure. I'm glad it's finally up!
Like I said, the closing scene with them on the couch is adorable, with Fluttershy's insecurity and Discord reassuring her that he just wants to do things "properly" with her.
Yay, it's up!!! Thanks for letting me read this awesome story!! Now there's only one thing left for this story to do!!
Hit the feature box!!!
Aw yeah! Fluttercord HYPE! Believe it or not, I got to read this story too. My sis, OneFluzzyPuppy, let me. Also, congrats on feature box hype!
It was pretty good
So I had seen your blog post about asking people to read it before you posted it, but I held back. I had a feeling this would be a good fic, and since a lot of the good writers who usually leave reviews volunteered, I wanted to be able to read it fresh and leave a review. So I will!
So this was fantastic and let me tell you why.
Discord was mild, funny, and totally in character. And please know that I mean 'mild' in the best of ways. There are a lot of ways to mess up Discord, and two of them go hand-in-hand. Some make him so normal it's almost painful, where he sounds like he's as generic as people say Flash Sentry is (though I have nothing against Flash, I'm not even into Equestria Girls that much). Others, however, OVERdo it as well. They make him violent and nonsensical in a way where he really DOESN'T make any sense at all whatsoever, like he's just speaking gibberish. And make his goals things like "I WANNA KILL CELESTIA, YESSSSHH. CHOCO MILKY FOR MEEEEEEE~"
You balanced his personality and humor really well without doing either of those things. I could hear his voice in the story, which is pretty much the best sign that you're doing well. And in your case, you did very, VERY well.
And all the interactions were just hilarious and made me laugh, and the ending made me so, soooo happy. I gotta admit, I LOVE it when Fluttershy is the first one to develop feelings or admit to having them for Discord, instead of the other way around. Because that's an entirely possible scenario, but a lot of the time, it's Discord. And I agree with Woolly on the ending. Not only do you have Discord emphasize the importance of friendship in the midst of all the sparks flyin' around (though he does it subtly, of course), but he's definitely not turning her down either. I feel like it could be interpreted in different ways, and the way I see it, he's interested, but scared, so he'll take it slow. Love that.
And I'm really glad Fluttershy was back in-character in that scene too. I was honestly a bit nervous about that, when she called her dog a bitch. But that was from mere shock, which can be a good thing for a writer, because I suspected she would never say that about her beloved dog, unless magic was making her language a bit looser from all the sexual tension. But there's also the fact that if you take the word 'bitch' literally, then Patches really IS one. She is a female dog, and that is one of the word's two definitions. But Fluttershy was awkward and sweet again at the end, so now I know for sure that you know how to write Fluttershy. Forgive me for that. I knew what you were doing, but I got nervous anyway. You did great.
I also loved your demonstration of Discord knowing languages such as Prench/French. That's something I do myself a lot. And you did it a lot for humor too, which is always one of the best ways to do it. For instance, you wrote this...
Oooh, one more thing. I love it when people kind of make up their own magic things. Such as making Cadance feel so, ahem, needy for Shining Armor's, erm, uh, touch that she has to think of the most unappealing creature she knows to turn off that 'need', because her mother says that fulfilling such a need could harm the baby. Which is a concern that some women have in the real world, so it was a legitimate cause to Discord's dilemma. And in this struggle, Discord's the one that has to pay the price. XD
But he fixed it! He fixed it!!!! :D That whole scene was just GOLD, and I imagined both of them perfectly, going crazy as they try to hold back in fear for the baby, but ooooh, there he/she is right there, oooooh, so hot...
So I think I ranted enough. This was a hilarious and believable fic that ended in a nice warm moment to help meet my daily requirement of fluttercord. I already upvoted and favorited it.
Now STOP....Sequel time!
6655427
I think that was actually the point to it -- that Fluttershy was joking, because Patches really is a bitch, in the literal sense of the word. (Every so often I say to my housemate's dog, "You're such a needy bitch," because she totally is. Calling female dogs bitches and taking advantage of the double meaning of the word is funny.) I don't think she would have said the same thing of a cat or a hamster; she's joking. The joke is ruder and darker than Fluttershy usually is because she's under the influence, but she's not actually insulting Patches by calling her a bitch; she's being funny, because Patches is a bitch. And Fluttershy is the kind of person who might very well use the correct terminology for a female dog when she's talking about breeding and suchlike because she's much more focused on animals than on what ponies think of her, at least when the subject matter is animals (which is about the only time she can escape thinking about what ponies think of her.)
6655476
I agree, which is also why I apologized to CoffeeMinion for talking about it in the first place (well, asked for forgiveness) because I thought about that too. It's also why I continued on with the story. And I actually call my dog that sometimes too, because she's literally one of them. I really loved the story and will probably read it again. But yes, you're right. I think I knew that too, I was just shocked and didn't expect it. I didn't mean it as a criticism. I don't think it needs to be changed. ^_^ I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, really.
Oh you can't begin to comprehend how much I enjoyed this story.
I give you an A+
No.
Screw that.
The school grading system isn't good enough to grade this story. I can't give you a high enough grade that way!
So instead of that I will be using the mustache scale! Which is way more strict that the school grading system!
Oddly enough, even then I have to give you a perfect score of five out of five mustaches.
/
Which is kinda like an A+++++++
As far as I'm concerned this story is perfect in my eyes and I wouldn't change a single thing from it.
Every story can't be improved and this is sure not to be a exception so it's really more of a failure on my part for not being able to see how that could happen.
For all it's worth I award you 10,000 points and a donut.
krispykreme.com/SharedContent/User/97/972786a8-7d91-4d82-983e-6b67a4a93865.png
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120228224010/mlp/images/e/ec/FANMADE_Twilight_Clapping.gif
Congratulations.
~Leonzilla
PS: This just hit the feature box with 47 upvotes and 4 downvotes.
I confess. I came into this story expecting... something else. *blushes and coughs* Instead, to my delight, I found a funny, hilarious story that had a touch of feels at the end, with some Fluttercord cuteness. Well done! Fav'd and save'd.
You know, the absurdity of this fic's premise does call for a new word to accurately express one's shock and interest for it.
......
Alternative Story: Discord has to hide for five months until Cadance pops the bun out of the oven.
Run run run as fast as you can...
...I want a sequel to this.
Really fun. Surprisingly adorable at the end. And interesting to see Discord being one to hold back for reasonable reasons.
wlam thought process:
'haha oh wow that sounds interesting'
'oh god no please not a Sex tag'
'*phew* it has a teen rating'
'now to enjoy the story'
Getting back to you about the rest of that.
That was a great fic, was afraid it would be more generic "main character confused by all females chasing him", but the best thing about this is that Discord is powerful enough to handle almost anyone, so its more funny than ever dangerous. Aw, and really sweet Discord and Fluttershy scene, glad it cleared up that she was feeling like this before it all started. And the image of a crazy Shining Armor is hilarious, it would probably run in that family. You wrote Discord's random personality pretty well, though the show usually has him as more of a jerk. The comics usually have him lean more towards the nicer side, and glad this fic is similar to that.
Definitely and totally honestly not fibbing at all truly.
Fun fact: There is actually reasonable evidence that it is good for the child. Rhythmic exercise and such, you know. It's not like anything can get in there during that period, anyway.
The ending really was very sweet, though. Personally, I think anythingcord is dumb. I mean, even more than most pairings are. The guy really does not have chemistry with anyone. You gave it a fair (and really funny) shake, though.
Also, poor Spike. There are things you just don't do to a book.
Sorry, but this is just too way out of character for me.
6656447 ignore all the alarms telling you they are acting out of character and just pretend that for a moment that's how they would act in a what if scenario.
That's what I did and let me tell you it worked wonders.
Every character quirk you see in the story is appealing in some fashion so it's just a matter of being able to see the characters differently, as in more than unidimensional characters to be able to fully appreciate what the writer puts on the table.
~Leonzilla
You and alararogers are now on my list for authors who write discord really well.
I always enjoy seeing Discord off balance, in canon and fan work.
And while a human fetus is clearly separate from the, er, action zone. I seem to recall that that is not the case with some quadrupeds, that one can reach in to manually check on the late term fetus. So Cadence's mother could technically be right. However, I really don't feel like looking into the matter.
Daaaaw at the ending. I loved it, please write a sequel to this.
6656775 If my experience tells me anything, it will probably be clop.
6654840
6654853
You guys are the best.
6655427 Thank you for your awesome review.
I don't know why the French kept popping up in my head, but I decided to roll with it. As for the "female dog word" thing, 6655476 is right about the double meaning that prompted me to keep it in. But I actually owe MissyAngel HUGE credit for calling me out on an overuse of it in the first draft. I don't usually swear in my stories, and I have a poor gauge of when it works and when it doesnt... and it wasn't working. But that instance of it worked.
6654959 Your words were prophetic, it turns out.
Thank you (and 6655277) again for pre-reading what turned out to be my first featured story!
6655916 It's really a word, I swear!
6656753
So her mom was right after all?! Curse my ignorance of equine reproductive anatomy!!! 
6656238
6655657
6656595
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
6656775
I have a possible partial idea, but IMO an integral part of this story (albeit one that no one has commented about yet) was its structure... the Fluttershy -> Twilight -> Celestia progression, followed by working back outward from Celestia to Twilight to Fluttershy, was really all a means to (1) entertaining people and getting featured 
, and (2) establishing the parameters of why it's difficult for Fluttershy and Discord to fumble their ways toward each other. I don't know if I could replicate that, much as I might like to try!
6655953
6655427
I'll be honest... I don't know if I could write a direct sequel.
6656494 It's not that I hate this story with a deep hatred (there are few stories to garner such from me). I do appreciate and encourage new material and concepts author's can cook up. And yes I acknowledge that the story is indeed funny and full of laughs and that you have a valid point I was just saying that I thought that even though he most certainly have a tough/hilarious time dealing with the situation Discord would be acting like a entirely different character when going full egg-head. So no I wasn't attacking this fic. Instead I was trying to give constructive criticism, sorry I didn't convey that across in my previous comment. And adventuresofthemeems.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/i-feel-sheepish.jpg?w=584
6657070
Counterpoint: What are you even doing expecting the Lord of Chaos to consistently stay in character?
that was both hilarious and incredibly D'AWWWW there at the end. have an upvote
6657070
Technically Discord is an egghead, just the mad scientist version of one.
Magic is obviously a sign of high intelligence in Equestria, which is why Twilight Sparkle is a prodigy and studies so hard. Discord is obviously a highly powerful wielder of magic, and was probably self-taught. Twilight Sparkle seems to often conduct science experiments in the name of magic (or vice versa) and Discord seems amused by the prospect.
When I write Discord, he's totally an egghead scientist type, he's just SILLY about it as well. So I don't actually see this being that out of character. He knows a lot, he's just not very SENSIBLE with his knowledge.
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/_s5e224.png
I love this story, it was adventure from start to end. I epically like that cheeky little bit at the very end 'I can feel your undies' I just gasped and flapped my hand *oh discord* :)
haha, Pleasantly surprised by this fic. Nicely done!
that was some truly adorable shipping. there's one thing i think you could change to make this better, though. when discord leaves twilights castle he said he was going to bring in the big guns. but in canterlot's throne room he puts on those clothes... and no big guns. give him some big guns there, and have him shoot bubblegum bullets at the guards' hooves instead of just telekineticly pushing them back. after all, we know discord doesnt like using brute force if he can help it
This was awesomely hilarious, great job! I love how you wrote Discord. So many writers tweak his personality and quirks even if it's not an alternate universe story, but in my humble opinion, you were spot on. Looking forward to more stories from you. :)
Great story, i hoped it would had the rest of the mane6 feature in there because i was curious how Rainbow Dash would react :D
6657070 I hardly thought you were attacking the story, don't be so harsh on yourself.
The way I see it you were simply expressing a reason you were having a hard time enjoying the story and that is valid criticism, that counts as feedback for there is no argument that was your perspective and opinion.
All I did in response was suggest a different way to look at it that might help you and others who also find the characterisation of the characters to be too unusual to be able to enjoy the story to the fullest regardless.
Hope this makes sense.
Oh and one more thing,
Ignore that silly downvote in your comment, some people like to use downvotes casually to express that they disagree with the opinion of a certain comments without going through the trouble of actually expressing why that's the case, and often enough is easy to see that red mark as a sign that you upset somebody when infact the person casting it might just have being too lazy to reply or some other silly reason like that.
Of course downvoting comments it's also a way of feedback, but unless somebody replies to address the reason behind the downvote at most it is left to interpretation and as a result it's not likely to be very useful feedback.
~Leonzilla
6658409 Yes thank you for the advice, but I've had my fair share of experience on this site.
Sacre blu! How dare you make such a mistake! Ce, "Je be said pas que"!
At least, I think that's what it is.
Anyway, great story!
6657469
I have a line in a story I'm writing where Discord claims to have conducted an experiment, Twilight points out that that seems overly science-y for the Lord of Chaos, and Discord replies with something like, "Twilight, if you had any idea how weird the universe really is, you'd never ask that question." :-)
My word, you managed to straddle the line between Mature and SFW while keeping the characters fairly in tone and even managed to SURPRISE me! As a teacher that surprise alone is worth a like and a follow. It's a fairly straightforward story, but you didn't take it down the well-rutted jokes (forgive the pun) that so many others would while still managing mirth and, dare I say it, a slight touch of class. I look forward to writing up a formal review of this. Thank you for brightening my day. I look forward to seeing your further works as well.
6659502 A fellow student of French?
It's probably true that I could have been more accurate, but I decided to sacrifice accuracy for the sake of keeping the focus on humor. Google Translate helps keep me honest that "I don't want to say" should be "Je ne veux pas dire", but not very many people are going to know that. "Je ne sais quoi" literally means "I don't know", and while Discord certainly knows, most people aren't going to dig that deep; they'll vaguely recognize that they might've heard that phrase before, and laugh, and move on.
6658367 Oh, there's reams of fanfiction about how Dashie would react...
6658077 Lol, thank you.
That was actually a last-minute change I made right before submitting it. The first joke I'd come up with was laaaaaame...
6658221 Very glad you enjoyed it; this was my second time writing Discord, and I feel like he came across better this time. Please consider yourself invited to follow along for whatever comes next! If you do, I can promise you two things... (skip to the 12 second mark)
Cute.
This was not what I expected. It was better. Very cute.
6655786
6660461
I'm glad I could inject a small amount of happy surprise into your day.
6660022 Thank you, and this is high praise indeed!
6657668 I just tried to think of the most "guy" thing he could possibly say at such a moment.
Haha, love this story!
I see your game.
Hit me over the head with a delightful combination of humor and well portrayed characters to distract me, and then when my guard is down, blindside me with a cute and touching shipping moment that was more convincing than many other attempts I could list...
Bravo!
A short-ish, fun story filled with a few scenes, but all were exactly to the point.
Great read, thanks for that!
6660107
YOU DARE GIVE EXCUSES?
EXCUSES ACCEPTED!
On a separate note, when I typed that comment on my phone I forgot to correct the autocorrect.
Stupid auto correct. Il ne comprende pas francais!
6661327 Mais oui! L'auto-correct, c'est la merde!
6661327
FTFY