Can Ponies Even Look At Their Navels?
"What was that?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she stood on a ladder in order to place a three of spades at the top of the house of cards she was busy building on top of the cutie mark map. Stupid map, she thought, never asking me to help with a friendship problem. "I didn't hear you, Fluttershy."
Twilight Sparkle looked down from her makeshift perch and saw her timid pegasus friend hiding beneath the cushions of a large couch. Her eyes poked out from the front and her tail poked out from the rear, and in the center of the cushion was a bulge from her paunch. Fluttershy stuck her head out, sending her almost offensively excessive amount of mane cascading to the floor.
"I said," Fluttershy began, spitting out a bit and piece of lint. "Would it matter if zebras invaded Canterlot instead of changelings?"
Twilight Sparkle coughed, and the house of cards nearly toppled over. She kept everything in place with her magic, however. Not cheating, she thought.
"How would zebras have managed to do that?" she asked Fluttershy, who was now pulling herself out from beneath the couch. "And why are you asking this?"
"Well," Fluttershy replied. "The princesses have been talking about profiling changelings. We went through this with zebras, remember? Remember how Jet Set and Upper Crust started that political party in Canterlot stereotyping zebras as thugs and welfare queens? We just don't need to do that."
Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes and flew down from the ladder. She placed a hoof on Fluttershy's withers.
"What are you saying, Fluttershy?" she asked, waiting for the inevitable mumbling. "Just say it."
"We need to make sure not to stereotype all changelings just because of one encounter."
"There, that wasn't that hard, was it? See how much time you save when you stop asking hypothetical questions that don't actually answer the question you really wanted to ask?"
"Yes," Fluttershy said as she flapped her wings. "I do get it."
"To answer your question, yes, it will be in ponies' nature to look at changelings with suspicion for a while. That is inescapable." Twilight Sparkle levitated a ten of hearts to the top of the house of cards. "What we can make sure when we are trying to discover suspicious activity is to recognize that this bias exists. It will still be there, but as long as we keep that fact in our conscious minds, it will reduce the likelihood for tribal or species profiling."
Twilight Sparkle flew into the air. Fluttershy flew just behind her.
"Wow, Twilight, what a simple, nuanced answer. It's almost as though you aren't acting like some Celestia-type being who makes pronouncements that everypony has to follow."
"That's what happens when you stop naval gazing and just realize there are two sides to every question."
"Thanks, Twilight."
Twilight Sparkle sighed as her friend flew out the window. She glanced back at the house of cards. As she balanced a five of clubs, she stopped herself.
"Wait," she muttered. "Why am I building a house of cards?"
"Twilight!"
The house of cards burst apart, revealing Pinkie Pie sitting on top of the table, rocking back and forth in a ball.
"Pinkie, what are you doing?" she asked.
Pinkie Pie leaped from the table to the couch and bounced on the cushions. "I just thought of something. What if I'm not the real Pinkie Pie?"
"Pinkie, I'm sure that..." Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Wait, what?"
"What if I'm one of the ones who was meant to go into the mirror pond?"
"Pinkie, you're you," Twilight Sparkle pulled her eyelids down. "You know you're you. You aren't one of the Pinkie clones."
"Would it matter if I was?"
"Yes it would!" Twilight Sparkle shouted as cards continued to fall from above.
"But how do I know I'm me?"
Pinkie Pie cried as she curled even further into a ball. Her snout was pressed so close to her body that her eye touched her belly button. Twilight Sparkle glanced around as the final cards fell to the floor. She took a few steps forward until she stood just in front of her needlessly random friend. She pulled the earth pony's face away from her own navel and stared directly at her.
"Pinkie. You aren't a clone."
Pinkie Pie paused. "But asking that question is important, right?" Pinkie Pie giggled. "I mean, asking about whether or not I am me shows that I'm deep." She pointed to the library behind Twilight Sparkle. "The Haycartes book says so."
"Questions about epistemology are a lot more detailed than simply saying, 'am I me', Pinkie. It's not like it's something you ask and discover the answer to in a thousand words."
"Oh," Pinkie Pie replied, drawing out her voice to a near irritating length. "Thank Celestia you didn't patronize me by trying to give me a simple answer in a sentence or two."
Twilight Sparkle smiled and helped her friend up.
"You're right," Twilight Sparkle replied as she stared straight out, as though looking past some translucent screen. Twilight Sparkle gasped when she noticed a soap box appear right next to her. Regardless, she stepped on top of it. "It would be arrogant of me to think that in a brief conversation like this, I could go into the incredibly complex issue of identity politics and philosophy. Furthermore, I--"
The doors burst open, and Fluttershy ran into the room.
"The Word!" she called. "Oh, The Word!"
"Fluttershy?" Pinkie Pie asked. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm looking for The Word! He has my blue flower."
Twilight Sparkle glanced back at the library. "You were just here, Fluttershy." She pointed to the books.
"No, Twi," Pinkie Pie replied. "Her bird."
"Her bird?"
"Yes, her bird."
"Have you heard The Word?"
"What do I call the bird?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
"The Word," Fluttershy replied.
"Yes, what do I call the bird?" Twilight Sparkle repeated.
"The bird is The Word."
"The bird's name is Bird?"
"No, the bird is The Word!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
"What word?"
"Oh, this is hopeless," Fluttershy sobbed.
"So, wait, what is the word?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
"You know," Fluttershy said as she sniffled. "You remind me of The Word."
"What word?"
"The Word with the flower."
"What flower?"
"The flower that's blue."
"I do?"
"It's true."
"It's True?"
"Yes," Fluttershy sighed. "You remind me of The Word."
Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie laughed incessantly. Twilight Sparkle's eye twitched and she backed away from the soapbox and her laughing friends. Their laughter echoed through the room. Something's not right, she thought, running away. Though she kept running, the acoustics of the castle made it so that the laughing only intensified. She found the nearest door, leaped inside the room, and slammed the door shut.
"Oh thank Celestia," Twilight Sparkle sighed. "That was--" The mare's eyes widened when she saw who was in the room with her. Big Macintosh sat at a small table, holding a tiny bone china teapot. Her eyes narrowed when she saw what was in the chair across from him. "Is that... Smarty Pants?"
"Oh, uh..." Big Macintosh blushed. "Care for some tea?"
What in Tartarus is going on? Twilight Sparkle wondered. Nevertheless, she felt herself pulled towards the table, as if by an unknown force. She took a seat just as the stallion poured an imaginary cup of tea into her old doll's cup.
"So, where were we Missus Pants?" Big Macintosh asked.
I was simply saying that the sequined sash I saw at the store was simply sensational, Big Macintosh said in a high pitched tone that sounded a bit like Sapphire Shores.
"Do you... do you think it'd look good on me?" Big Macintosh asked as he scratched his forelegs together.
Oh honey foal, the emerald dress would compliment your eyes so well.
"Are you all right, Big Mac?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
Why don't you ask her? Big Macintosh said, using his Smarty Pants voice.
"Ask me what? I'm really scared right now."
"Twilight," Big Macintosh asked. "Would it matter if I were?"
"If you were what?"
Twilight Sparkle's eyes softened when she saw Big Macintosh's head hang down. Oh no, she thought, must use friendship powers. "Hey," Twilight Sparkle said as she touched Big Macintosh. "Don't worry. I've read up on this stuff. I can help you through this."
"Do you think I'd be beautiful?" the stallion asked, his emerald eyes glistening with pools of almost shed tears.
"Sure," Twilight Sparkle replied. "There are mares that are on the larger side."
"Oh I..." Big Macintosh's voice trailed off. His eyes took on a steely glare. "Excuse me?" he asked.
Oh, mare, no you didn't, he added in the Sapphire Shores voice.
"You got a problem with big mares?" Big Macintosh continued.
Mare, please, there ain't no problem if a mare got flank. Because you know they all about that flank, about that flank, no stifle.
Twilight Sparkle screamed and galloped to the door. She heard the sound of Big Macintosh's massive thighs as he thundered across the room. She could hear the sound of the stallion's voice as it pretended to sing a Sapphire Shores song.
Stallion's ain't got no room
For them thighs that don't go boom
So if you got that flank to shimmy
Make them stallions all shout gimme
Twilight Sparkle shrieked and ripped the door off of the hinges. She ran and she ran until she was out of breath. She found herself in her bedroom. What is happening here? she wondered as she fell onto her bed. The moment her head hit the pillow, she felt herself grow tired. Sleep she thought, so... Twilight Sparkle jolted up from the bed.
"Of course!" she shouted. "Princess Luna?" Twilight Sparkle got up and galloped around in circles. "Luna? Luna!"
"Yes, my little pony?"
Twilight Sparkle turned around and cried in happiness when she saw the Princess of the Night standing on her balcony. She pranced over to the alicorn and wrapped her in a hug.
"Oh, Luna," Twilight Sparkle sniffled. "I've been having such an awful dream. Of course, you'd know about that, since you are in my dream right now. I'm just so glad I can get this dream over with and can wake up." Twilight Sparkle sucked a huge wad of mucus that had appeared on her muzzle back in through her nostril and looked up at Princess Luna. "Princess Luna? This is a dream, right?"
"Would it matter if it was?"
Twilight Sparkle screamed.
*****
Discord glanced through the small orb that hovered in front of him. Occasionally, he would stick a talon inside of it, and he would watch as the pony inside would run in one direction. He'd stick a paw inside and then laugh as the pony would turn around and run in the opposite direction. Discord adjusted the pillow beneath his head and looked up at the bed canopy. He snapped a talon and one of the ropes tying the curtain back turned into a licorice snake, which slithered down the bedpost into the draconequus' open mouth. As he slurped the candy down, he snickered to himself as the door behind him burst open.
"Hello, Luna," Discord said in a singsong voice as the mare galloped to his side.
"That is the last time we ingest ghost pepper burritos," Luna shouted over the sound of an incredibly loud flushing toilet. She glanced into the orb. "What did we miss during our bowel movement?"
"Oh, I think I finally broke her," Discord replied as he pointed to the orb.
Luna leaped onto the bed and snuggled up next to Discord, and together they watched Twilight Sparkle fall to her knees.
"Oh, and Luna?" Discord asked.
"Yes, shnookums?"
"Don't say bowel movement. Just say sh--
*****
"--it has to have a reason." Twilight Sparkle tore through every book. "Why am I having this dream?"
Twilight Sparkle watched as the dream Luna shimmered in the middle of the room.
"Do questions always have to have meaning?" Dream Luna asked. "Think about it, Twilight. Why do ponies like asking hypothetical questions like the ones with which you were presented?"
"Because they're curious?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
Dream Luna shook her head. "No. They want to appear curious. They think that by creating a hypothetical situation and sitting back while other ponies argue about them, those ponies will think they are smart." Dream Luna walked over to the now still Twilight Sparkle, who was now seated on the couch from before. "Anypony can take a single thought and create a scene around that thought."
"I don't get it," Twilight Sparkle replied. She heard Dream Luna sigh and wave her hoof. An orb appeared in the middle of the room, and when Twilight Sparkle saw what appeared through it, she scowled. "Discord."
"Now, now, Twilight," Discord smirked as he waved his paw around the table. The crystalline structure turned to rock candy and he broke a piece off, tossing it into his mouth. "Surely you had to sense I was involved."
"Why am I dreaming about you?"
Discord smiled devilishly and looked down at his posterior. "Because you're all about that flank, about that flank, no--"
"Stop!" Twilight Sparkle yelled. "Just get this over with."
Discord coughed and snapped his paw. Three orbs appeared: one held the image of Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy, one held the image of herself and Pinkie Pie, and one had an image of herself and Big Mac.
"Now, do you see what your mistake was?" he asked. When Twilight Sparkle said nothing, he sighed. "When you write dreams--"
"Write?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
"Yes," Discord said, clearly frustrated. "In the medium of dreams, they are written, so to speak. Anyway, when you write dreams, anyone--"
"Don't you mean anypony?"
"Anyone," Discord corrected. "Can allow their characters to become a mouthpiece." Discord pointed to the pony. "You allowed yourself to become a mouthpiece. In any good dream, even the dreamer is flawed. Neither side is ever one-hundred percent correct."
Twilight Sparkle rubbed a hoof to her chin. Suddenly, her eyes brightened, as if a light went on in her head.
"I get it," Twilight Sparkle replied. "When you write dreams, any creature can write a dream that makes them appear smart simply by asking random philosophical questions. In order to write a good dream, you have to create unique situations with unique characters rather than go off of stock ideas and cliched plotlines."
"Now you're really dreaming," Discord said as a chalkboard appeared in front of him. On the chalkboard was his name written in acrostic. "D-I-S-C-O-R-D."
"Discord?" she asked as random music started to play.
D is for Dreaming of a world you wish to write
Discord magicked an umbrella. He took it and used the umbrella to fight gravity as he hovered up to the top of a bookcase.
I is Imagining the creatures which reside
Discord's tail snapped, and two dust bunnies scampered from beneath the couch and danced with one another.
S is for Situations they may or may not fight
C is for Comprehending each and every side
As Discord sang, the bunnies started to fight one another. Twilight Sparkle watched in horror as one bunny ripped the head off of another. For some reason, she snickered when she imagined that bunny to be Fluttershy's pet.
O and R both stand for Objectivity with every single being,
Regardless of how you make them first appear in what you are...
"Dreaming."
By this time, the books were now fluttering about like birds. The crystal walls twinkled to the beat of Discord's music. Twilight Sparkle felt the magic of song well within her. Discord stood in front of her, and the mare held out her hoof for the draconequus to take. Discord now stood before her, wearing a monocle and a vest. Twilight Sparkle blushed and she was pulled into his arms.
"Don't copy me, now, Twilight," he said as he let her go.
D is for Daring to imagine
"I'll let that one pass," Discord said.
I is for Immersion in the world
"Okay," Discord said as he stroked his beard.
S is for Stop Stereotyping
C is for Cliches to destroy
The two danced in midair around the room, books flying by and candelabras spiraling near them.
O is for Original Tales that
ARE not Restricted by the trite conventions of the masses
that is how one becomes...
"Daring!" Discord shouted with glee.
"I get it!" Twilight Sparkle cried as she clapped her hooves. "I finally get it!" She smiled and spun in circles. As she did, everything around her faded. By the time she stopped spinning, everything around her turned to dark. "Hello?" she asked as he vision went away.
*****
"Do you think she learned her lesson?" Luna asked as she watched the pony sleep from within the orb.
"Oh yes," Discord replied as he twirled a finger in Luna's mane.
"But what of the others?" Luna asked. "Surely, there are other who believe that the ability to think in hypotheticals means they are inherently of higher worth than others? Shouldn't we fix them, too?"
Discord kissed Luna's forehead. "Don't be a silly filly. Let us give these ponies some credit." He snapped his talon, and the bed covers wrapped around the two of them. "Could you imagine how depressing a world it would be if you woke up and saw one pony talk about some random hypothetical situation and all of the other ponies trip all over themselves about what an amazing concept that was?"
"Oh please," Luna replied as she booped his snout. "Ponies aren't that stupid."
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Yo dawg I heard you were being meta so we went and applied meta to your meta meta.
Of course, with the one cover of MLP Friends Forever #20, I can all too easily ship Discord and Luna right now.
Funny
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11123/111231183/4691331-xeqqn9t.png
Lol!
I mean, it wouldn't work without the original to riff on, but it's pretty funny and well-written regardless.
Typo alert: I saw a "jusy" in there.
I like this one. It actually has a moral, even though it's satire. It's meaningful.
Tis great, that's all I can say.
Neat.
I like it! Very nice
Oh boy, here we go again!
It only matters if what matters matters, as a matter in fact.
And...That made my day
I feel old now. I couldn't help but hear the music to this.
This. This right here. Thumbs up.
I'm
So
Meta,
Even
This
Acronym
I love it. Love it love it LOVE IT!
At first, I was like Here we go again, another one of these "Fluttershy asks Twilight deep philosophical question about identity and whether it does or doesn't matter" stories.
But this isn't a rebuttal, or a wacky parody, or even a rewrite. This exposes the entire "genre" for what it is, a cheap way to foment a heated debate where neither side is completely right, nor completely wrong, so both sides will argue forever. The person who posed such a prickly question is then lauded as "smart" for encouraging such discussion, even if the discussion is fairly pointless as it assumes that the real world is split into black and white, good and bad, right or wrong.
The Emperor has no clothes, and this story, like the child, has pointed it out for us.
6488036 Ha, turn it up my friend!
No! We don't stop!
Ha! We rock the spot!
No! We don't quit!
Get ready! Oh! this is it!
...Sorry. I just have that stuck in my head now because of you.
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images.amcnetworks.com/ifc.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/unnamed.jpg
"IS THAT YOU, PONE NEIGH-YNE?! IS THIS ME?!"
imfdb.org/images/thumb/6/65/FMJ_208.jpg/400px-FMJ_208.jpg
"HEY, START THE CAMERAS, THIS IS 'EQUESTRIA, THE MOVIE'!"
douchetalks.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/fmj4.jpg
"JOKER CAN BE PONE NEIGH-YNE. I'LL BE A HORSE!"
I have only thing to say about all this meta:
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Is this a thing now? XD
There's some good writing here, very funny, but I'm not sure it doesn't cross the line a little by dismissing all philosophy-based idea fic as an ego grab on the part of the author. There are hundreds of reasons to write, and to suggest that for one specific genre of story we can boil them all down to "lol this will make me look smart" is a disservice to a fic that elsewhere proudly proclaims that there are two sides to every question.
Amazing. You absolutely destroyed me with this one. :D
6497433
Well, this story is exactly what it is complaining about. I'm not sure if that's intentional meta-comedy or not.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
6497433
6506376
Think of it this way. Imagine two story outlines:
Story One:
After the Changeling Invasion, Twilight Sparkle begins to notice certain characteristics about Fluttershy: how every animal seems to love her, how she seems to 'feed' off of this love, her staring ability. Rather than talk with Fluttershy about it, Twilight Sparkle begins to spy on her. As the ponies of town take notice, they learn what Twilight is doing. A whisper campaign begins, culminating in all of the townsponies refusing to let Fluttershy take care of their animals.
Story Two:
Fluttershy asks Twilight a hypothetical question about if one of their friends was a changeling. They debate about whether or not who they are is more important than what they are.
Both story ideas say the same thing. But which story would you feel more emotionally drawn into? Which story would take more effort to write? I was so frustrated with the original story exactly because it could have been a great story, had it been more than two characters discussing a hypothetical situation.
6507049
I think it is important to recognize that something requiring more effort to write has no bearing on its goodness; things aren't better because they require more effort to produce. And things aren't better for being longer, either.
Those two are very different stories. GAPJaxie's story is supposed to be short, punchy, and ambiguous. The question there is "Would It Matter If I Was?". It is about Twilight being directly confronted with the possibility that her friend is a changeling, and having to make the decision as to whether or not it DOES matter, with her friend confronting her over it. It is also meant to make the audience question whether Fluttershy is actually a changeling, and a big part of the appeal of the story is making the audience wonder along with Twilight about just how hypothetical this question is, as well as feel Twilight's guilt over whether or not she should be worried about it. We're being taken on a ride with TWilight, here. But it doesn't linger on it excessively, or actually answer the question of whether or not she is a changeling, because the question is "does it matter?", not "Is she?"
The other story is focused on paranoia and distrust on the part of Twilight, who is, in that case, spying on Fluttershy but failing to confront her. It is a much longer piece, and less focused on the immediate issue of trust between Fluttershy and Twilight; the question here becomes "Is Fluttershy a changeling?" instead of "Does it matter if Fluttershy is a changeling?" The two have different focuses, and different feels to them. Twilight and Fluttershy's conversation was short and intense; this would be more long and drawn out, with more tension and hurt feelings over the long term, and potentially much more damage from fallout. Its not the same story and it isn't asking the same question.
A better example of a long-form version of GAP Jaxie's story is Who We Are by Kits, which is a story about one of the Mane Six being a changeling, but no one knows who - and they have to struggle over the course of the fic as to whether or not it matters who the changeling is, as well as with the question of which one of them it is.
6507561
Damn, the world must be ending. We actually agree on something.
6505554 Thank you, and thank you for the review. I'm really wondering if I should try to focus on being more random. I've noticed a lot of people confusing the categories of Random versus Comedy.
6507561 Thank you for that. Even though we disagree, I'm appreciative that you still took the time to review it and feel it at least worth reading.
OH MY GOODNESS.
I HAVE SEEN THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
6508256
I like crackfics. :V
6508288
Marvelous, dear child, simply marvelous. Everything is going...
38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrfuciqxct1r2av34o1_500.gif
according to plan...
Follow DISCORD!
this is the best one.
Yeah, this was probably the most enjoyable of these I've read. Good points all around, and leave it up to Discord to drive home the main point.
Now hopefully this god-awful fad will die. But we know it won't.
The LoHAV stories had a similar satire story, and it did nothing to stem the flow.
I, uhm- what? okay.
"Don't say bowel movement. Just say sh--
*****
"--it has to have a reason."
AHAHAHAHA I GET IT! Sh-it HAHAHAHA
I had a laughing fit as soon as a bunch of random stuff started to happen in the story, especially the "Bird is the Word" part, Big Macintosh singing "All about that flank", and the ponies asking Twilight "Would it matter if/I was/were?".
Also, the singing part with Discord and Twilight was fun to read, too.
This reminds me of going on a ride in Disney world where a character called Figment is going around trying to express the idea of Imagination on a ride about the five human senses.
"No, What is the second basemare."
8879908
Silly dreaming Twilight! Everyone knows that
What have I just read
?
Alright, let us see here. Do I get this straight?
So, basically he gives an advice on writing fiction?..