• Member Since 31st Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Sunday

NoLongerSober


Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Sequels1

T
Source

Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape.

After one-thousand years of being bound in the celestial body, Nightmare Moon is free! Right alongside the poor sap that got bound with her.

Thrust into an unfamiliar world, with scars and memories that are now drastically out of place, this is the story of the former guard captain, Magic Barrier.


Do the words above sound familiar? If they do, then you've probably read my other story, A Pony Displaced. This tale isn't a sequel. It isn't a rewrite, though you might consider it a re-imagining of sorts. It is a tale of progression, one that I hope will show my development as a writer in both skill and quality. But more importantly, it is a story that offers exploration into one simple question. What if Magic Barrier had trotted down another path?

As always, thanks go out to everyone who helped me get to this point. In particular, thank you to Alticron, for editing, proofreading, co-writing, being my idea-wall, and arguably the single biggest reason this story saw the light the day, and thank you to Word Worthy, formerly Izanagi, who also edited, proofread, and threw ideas around with us. It wouldn't be possible without these two. In addition to those two I'd like to thank the newest member of the group Omnicron25 for his efforts in proofing/editing as well. Damn glad to have you on board mate.

Additional thanks to Wing for keeping me company late nights and for being a wordsmith when I needed one.

Chapters (54)
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Comments ( 1022 )

Great to see things finally up and running, Sober! :)

A wonderful start, I look forward to more!

I enjoyed the first one, so now I shall enjoy this one as well!

Lets see were this goes good start

For the record, the English pronoun 'thou' is exclusively singular; "thou honorless bastards" wouldn't be proper usage. Though whether Old Equestrian follows all the same rules as early Modern English is subject to your interpretation as author, I suppose.

6524045 Heh. Truthfully I didn't write any of the olden speech. I tried and I am atrocious at it. I wrote standard dialogue and my editors did their best to translate it for me.

Interesting.

...there they all al standing in a row. :pinkiehappy:

I like the cover art, from the tags I guess we are going to see some Daring Do in this story.

Aww yeah... more Sober updates. :P

6545716 I can neither confirm nor deny.
6545774 Ah! Back! I have a restraining order!

6545784 In a manner of sorts.

So...will twilight and barrier have a heart to heart moment.

Are you still depriving your editors of their basic rights as humans as all good authors should do or are they running free, rioting, and looting?

6556671 I keep them on a leash in the backyard, of course. What sane author would allow his editors free will?

I like this version of Magic Barrier. He seems more authentic, considering where/when he came from.

Confound these meddlesome mares! Doth they not know Barrier seeks to perform Shakespeare in the Rain?

Poor guy. Everyone has the same question too.

I very much liked the original of the story, and I'm enjoying the reset as well. I have to say though, the early modern English needs some work. If you intend to keep using it, I would be happy to polish it for you--as you seem to have everything else well polished for the most part. Also, here's a link for a decent reference: It's fairly simple, but it covers much.

Now then, I have a few error corrections:
Thou haveth my word, Doctor
The 'haveth' is with thou, thus should be 'hast'. Also, if he respects the doctor at all, Barrier would address him as you as was common practice. In context of the time, he's basically belittling the doctor (who is currently of higher station than Barrier himself). Written the way it is, as I know not whether it was your intention, it makes Barrier basically a dick.

several years your senior!
Judging from the fact he says 'mine own' in the next sentence, Barrier would say 'thy' as Twilight is both on familiar terms with him and his minor.

own judgments and I judge
A sentence over, you forgot the comma. I almost missed it myself.

Note! The words meaning true were much more varied. 'Sooth' was another word for truth (as in soothsayer). If you wish to vary it that is.

Thou hath made this
Again, the 'hath' should be 'hast'.

and gone and I’m alone in
Again, you left out a comma between 'and' and 'I'm'. Completely missed this time the first time through

My only skill lies in
While not technically wrong, 'My' is in front of a vowel and would typically be 'Mine'. However, it does sound strange. I'll admit.

Perhaps you’re right, Miss Dash
I'm assuming you are showing the readers that Barrier has gained a lot of respect for Dash with the change to you're (which would have been 'thou art' otherwise). Also, 'Perhaps' is a fairly recent word--only around two hundred years old--thus 'Mayhaps' would be more of Barrier's era. In addition, 'Miss' is actually a shortening of 'Mistress' and was a friendly jibe in that time period toward adolescents or kids. Just a suggestion though.

Thank ye for thy concern
No. Just no. Please, pick one or the other. A person of the time period would think you drunk or a foreigner with that type of pronoun confusion. Also, ye is plural for FORMAL occasions, as in "Hear ye! Hear ye!".

sun traces its path from horizon to horizon, and ever the moon follows
While not wrong, 'traces' and 'follows' could be replaced with 'traceth' and 'followeth' for extravagance, and because it's a saying. People of the time liked to embellish their quips and poetry.

Thou ponies are nosy
'Thou' is a singular term only. 'You' would be the proper term here.

Thank thee for thy
Instead of saying simply thanks, like one would in passing, Barrier's thanks seemed more genuine. May I suggest 'Many good thanks' or 'Gramercy' (meaning in Barrier's case God's' grant you mercy)? It's something of the era. I can only imagine how rude we English-speakers are today would be to the people of back then. Also, 'm'lady' was something reserved for nobility, something--as much as she wishes--Rarity is clearly not. I would suggest 'kind mistress' or 'sweet mistress' instead.

Pray tell
Yea! Many hearty thankings unto thee for a-using that!

Sorry for that! I guess I got carried away, but alas, I wish to see you do well with the older language. I hope I helped somewhat!

-Omnicron

6572927 I appreciate the help. Truth be told, I can't old-english for the life of me. I write it out as modern-day and my editors do their best to translate it for me. Luckily by around chapter 12-15 it'll be dropping out almost completely. Will go through and correct them for this chapter before I try to figure out the next 10 or so I'll need to check. :3

Thankies sir.

Edit: Done and done, I think. :3 I appreciate the help. I can't old-english for the life of me. Tried it for a few chapters. The results left a lot to be desired. That said, if you ever decide you wanna grind along my currently unrelased chapters lemme know. Always room in the backyard for another editor/proofer. ;)

6572939
Doth sound top notch to me. Methinks I can do much to help thee in thine endeavor. Sendest me a line if thou wishest to have me review thy script.

Hehe, sorry I don't get to show off my Elizabethan much. I'll be happy to help though, and if you need any help with ideas, send me a message. I know quite a bit about how Elizabethan era people acted from studying their speech.

Also, I'll go over chapter one ... in a while, probably tonight. I don't remember anything too glaring though.

Also, you forgot the comma after Gramercy, and I liked you use of Miss with Pinkie. It shows how much he dislikes her and thinks of her as a child--not that she would notice. ;)

6573026 Tight, I'll drop you a line. :3 And that sounds about right. As far as punctuation goes comma's {followed closely by semi-colons} are by far my weakest point. I just can't seem to grasp them.

6573104
Eh, no worries. I've been tinkering with the English language as a hobby since I was in 9th grade. If I didn't know as much as I did, as well as admit I still make a lot of mistakes myself, I'd punch myself.

Comment posted by Rhombicosidodecahedron deleted Oct 27th, 2015

Wonder if this rampant sexual magnatism is a curse for the poor guy.

:3 Poor, poor Barrier.

I read parts of your first story (when it went in the revenge direction, I lost interest), and this first chapter shows just how much you have improved. Well done!:twilightsmile:

Oh dear heavens :rainbowlaugh:

Barrier has no fortune when it comes to this job procurement, does he? Carrot's line cracked me up though.

6594274
It's so much fun to give him a hard time.
6594319
Mm, yeah, it ended up getting scrapped fairly quickly within the original story. Just didn't fit the character I envisioned him as originally.
6594349
Fortune and Barrier don't even belong in the same sentence. ;)

Well, this is certainly better than the original version, so I shall keep reading and see where it goes.

“Shoot, and he had the perfect flank…” the stallion observed with a sigh. “Well, maybe Cresent will take his place for the night…”

Wait a second... When did I become a part time baker in Ponyville?

6594506 The Tuesday after the Tuesday before last.

Your progress is certainly noticeable! :) And the editors are clearly doing well with their chains or whatnot.

Umm aside from grammar and formatting I'm not sure it's "improved" but defiantly a much different taken on things. I guess not good but not bad either?

He should probably stay away from ANY recommendation Rarity gave him.

This is a-starting to seem like one of those poorly scrawled erotic novels I would frequently find the cadets a-reading…

Since a-when did Barrier a-turneth into Mario?

6597677 Well you see, Princess Peach and Princess Celestia were college roommates from way-back-when and during the first Great Mushroom War, Princess Celestia loaned Barrier out as a 'mercenary' of sorts. Barrier and Mario spent nearly the entire war together, so it's only logical that he inevitably picked up some of Mario's speech patterns. :3

Okay i like it but i do notice a difference in both barrier's relation to sparkle and his reaction to everything as a whole

6597677
XD
Believe it or not, putting an "a-" in front of a progressive tense word was not all that uncommon. It was just part of the language back then. In fact, common contractions today like "can't, won't, and isn't" wouldn't be in Barrier's language if he was going full early modern. It would make things even wordier then they are now though, so liberties have been made.

AU for A Pony Displaced? I'll read it.

6599211 OMG THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME NOW! Oh my gawd!

I bet this is ware he meets Daring Do.

Another swag chapter, Sober. :)

6617196 Lord Binary used foresight!

6618059
It was super effective!

And that's Lord_Binary to you.

Why is it so much fun to write all ponies as horrid sexual deviants?

Why hello, irony. How are you today? I think I have another idiot you need to visit.

I'm going to read this story, and you know why? cause you had me at "right alongside the poor SAP that got bound with her"

LMAO

That last line! Hah! Nice one man. I like how different it is from APD. Keep on.

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