• Member Since 29th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

BAR0SS


T

My name is Orion and I'm a human, well sort of. I have a condition. That condition has led me to have to be under the care of military scientists. And yet I find myself in a place I don't belong.

This is a story of how I got here. I hope you enjoy it.

Based after season 2. I wanted to make a HiE story and this is what came out. I still need critisism though. Im still bad at writing.

There should be weekly updates. Oh. And there will be no clop unless someone eles wants to write it. Also some bad languege.

Cover art done by Dysyndicate

Chapters (24)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 620 )

Huh. Well, I liked it at least. Fun story!

Not bad, some spelling errors here and there and the wording could be touched up a bit. Pretty good story so far, keep it up!

3384328 Thanks man. I typing all of this up on a mobile phone with small ass keys so I'm bound to make mistakes. But thanks for the vote of confidence.

I was briefly part of a writing wiki called SCP. They were very pretentious and full of themselves, hardcore gritty realistic HORROR types. They liked a good story, but had a prejudice against "x-men" characters. They didn't think they were interesting: Superpowers, great fighters, treated well by whatever "holding facility" was holding them (SCP is a fiction "Secure, Contain, Protect" Area-51 style setting.)

Their rule about x-men type characters is that something should suck about their life. Either they're assholes, or stupid, or their superpower comes with a major drawback. :pinkiecrazy:

Getting frozen against your will is a start... on to chapter 2. :pinkiehappy:

Minor quibble: first person perspective shifted from Orion to Derring Do. Was confused. And "some of the ponies had hors" forgot the "n" in "horns"

Good x-man story. I like x-men. Keep it up!

3384775 I fixed the missing 'n'. Can you tell me how the perspective change was confusing? I plan to do It a few more times. But not as commonly

I currently don't know what to think of this so far, but I think I'll keep track of it for the time being.

3388286 I don't know if I agree to that but I don't care. Its fun

Hey, can you add my oc? It's not the one on my user image, it instead has a lighter green and silver (quite classy!).
Also his name is enigma

lol I meant to say lighter green and silver hair lol

He doesn't have too be an alicorn if you don't want too

Yeah, no OC insert requests from me thanks, just a congrats on the chapter! I'm starting to like it more and more, and you seem to be spreading things out a bit more, that's good. Anyway, I look forward to more!

3413712 Thanks. I hope I can keep you entertained.

Did not expect him to teleport:rainbowderp: but still awesome

You might say it's bad but when orion went qaudrupel and "you should have seen the look on her face, pricelles". I laughed my flank off:rainbowlaugh:

3416788 I aim to please. I still feel it could be better

>>anon1000 you should aim to please:twilightsmile:but that does not take away that this shows a LOT of potential:pinkiehappy:

3416844 well this is one of three practice stotys that I'm going to write before myself and some friends start our big 'project'. Simply because I need to get better before that.

Comment posted by Emerald Shield deleted Oct 29th, 2013

3416866 probs shouldn't have mentioned that yet but what ya gona do.

i think this is a very good story so far and i can't wait to read the next chapter of this story. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

another very good chapter so far and i can't wait to read the next chapter. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

I noticed some grammar errors that weren't too bad, and you used the word "your" the wrong way a couple of times.

But safety requires that you be locked up until we think your safe

**you're**

Its ok Dee. Its me, Orion. Your going to be ok. I'll make sure that your safe

**It's**, **It's** **you're**, **you're**

There's a couple of examples. Gotta work on those 'your/you're' moments! :pinkiegasp:

Despite the grammatical errors though, this was a good chapter.

3438139 Thanks for the heads up on them errors. I've been using an app called kingsoft office to write this up. And Its's spell check is the most stupid thing in the world. I'll fix the errors when I can.

3438717 I just use Microsoft Word for my writing. With it's nifty correcting, and English being my best subject, I hardly ever make errors. Microsoft Word does most of the work for me though. All I have to do is type down what I think and there's no in-between. :pinkiesmile:

3438738 Yeah. I would too. But you can't get microsoft word on a android mobile. My laptop is broken so I can't use that. I've just been improvising

3438764 and if you want to know. My phone is a telstra frontier 4G

3438772 Oh I see. Writing this must be pretty tough then. I don't think I'd have the patience to write on a phone. :ajsleepy:

I can usually crank out 1k words in half an hour, but that time would probably quadruple if I was using a phone for it...

Anyway, good for you for staying committed! :twilightsheepish:

3438797 its not all that bad. I can get 1k in about an hour and a half if I try.Im more worried about getting arthritis in my thumbs in the long run. Overall, it's still pretty fun.

Some major things in this chapter that just didn't make sense, for instance, ""Look man, I'll make you a deal. If you give me my stuff and lead me to the... zebras... you bought me from, I will see if you can get you money back for you and I won't have to drop you too. How's that sound?" I asked. I didn't want to belive that actual 'zebras' were holding Daring, but with how broken this place seemed to be, I was willing to bet that they were.", this just didn't make sense, why would orian get his money back for him? He was holding him prisoner and didn't give a crap about him and was going to use him as a contestant in an arena for money! Personally I would not give this guy mercy.

NUMBAH 2: ""Ok then. You wanted to know what I was capable of right?" I asked with a grin. He nodded quickly and smiled. "Well then, watch this."

I began to transform into my hybrid form again, but bipedal this time knowing that I might need the agility of this form. If these zebras and gryphons knew to get tranq darts between my scales, who knows what else they could do.

After I had finished transforming, I applied a forcefield over my body. To anyone else that saw it, the forefield would just look like my scales had a white glow.

"Ah. A dragon. And you look more capable like this. Much more capable that that pink fleshy thing you were not a moment ago" Black Wing said happily.

"I'm sorry Mr Black Wing. But I'm afraid that I will have to decline you offer. I need to go and find someone so can you please tell me, in which was the place that you found me? And I'm going to need my stuff back, like now." I said. It was time to track down Daring.

"You don't have a choice. I had spent a rather large fortune on you. And I'll be darned if I'm just you walk away. Guard's! Get in there and teach this thing a lesson!" Black Wing yelled.".

I find lots of things in this wrong, why would orian show what he was capable of, he was dragged away into a dirty cell, unconscious, and practically being spat at, and he has the sense to show what he is capable of! Common sense blown out the window. And I understand you are doing this from a phone, but that only excuses spelling errors.

NUMBAH 3:
"I looked over my weapon to see if I can find out what was wrong with it. Nothing was visibly wrong with it. I pulled out the mag and checked the chamber. No damage what so ever.

'Screw it. I'll deal with it later' I said to myself. Putting it back into my pocket. I looked over and saw her standing there with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that. Your weapon was just as effective. I said and her brow furrowed.

"How you do that anyway?" She asked.

"Look, I would rather not have to explain that right now. And I don't even know how it works. I just know that it dose ok?" I said."

First off, she would mot be confused, she would be frightened and huddling in a corner crying or whatever because she would automatically assume it was a blowdart in some ways, thus not making her question a being that could crush her skull in less than a second.

I could go on forever with this but if you need any advice just ask me! :coolphoto:

3439131 I'll try to clear ut up as best as I can.

#1: Orion is an ass. But he is not a brutal serial killer. And he is trying to make some allies before he makes more enemies. Getting Black Wing his money back was his way of saying thanks for showing me where Daring was being held.

#2: I tried to make it that Orion transformed basicly to defend himself better and to intimidate the gryphons. Getting out would have been a lot harder in his human form. He didn't really show what he was capable of. Just a small portion of abilities.

#3: I probably could have worded it better. But the idea was that not only did she not know wat it was, but it wasn't even aimed at her. So she couldn't have know what it did. Oh and ther is a reason behind why it just clicked insted of fired.

That's the best I can clear these cases up aside from the fact that I was rushed and wrote this chapter in about half a day while talking to friends on xbox live while they were playin gta 5. I do however thank you for telling me this and I would greatly appreciate any help you could provide

As I made my further back, Ingot a tingle in my spine.

As I made my way further back in, I got a tingle in my spine.

at leas 700 000 years old.

at least 700 000 years old.

My and Rare were also exploring

Rare and I were also exploring

H had just made the biggest find since the founding of Equestria.

He had just made the biggest find since the founding of Equestria.

I could be that simple could it?

I couldn't be that simple could it?

I paniced thinking I didn't do it properly.

I panicked thinking I didn't do it properly.

He and the guards tried to stifle their laughter but sun were just laughing as hard as the could.

He and the guards tried to stifle their laughter but sun, they were just laughing as hard as they could.

"I'm sorry miss Do. I didn't mean to scare you like that.

"I'm sorry miss Do. I didn't mean to scare you like that."

Then th most strangest thing happened.

Then the most strangest thing happened.

I think something is comeing!

I think something is coming!

Why was I in that thing and was I so weak.

Why was I in that thing and why was I so weak.

I really diddn't want harm them but

I really didn't want harm them but

I promesed myself I woulnd ever do that again.

I promised myself I wouldn't ever do that again.

Sorry for posting on an old chapter, I only found this story just now. It's pretty good so far.

3468256 Thanks. I'll fix them when I can

Good chapter keep up the good work :pinkiehappy:

Still cradleing my head

Still cradling my head

hard time believeing my eyes

hard time believing my eyes

'The only way she could be here too is if she made contact with me before I ported.

'The only way she could be here too is if she made contact with me before I ported.'

more of just a concave in the wall of a small hill.

more of just a concave dent in the wall of a small hill.

around a tree ti try and

around a tree to try and

A lot better this chapter. Nice work.

keep critesizing please.

Criticising

That's the only thing that sticks out to me.
I like this chapter, looking forward to the next one :twilightsmile:

Getting better, the only thing that really bugs me is the fact that dark wing is now practically 'buddies' with them, someone who kidnaps you and try's to beat you to death should not be hanging out with you. Other than that it is getting better.

Nice chapter! I see a lot of improvement ! One thing though- I think Pinkie's eyes are blue, not pink. Other than that, keep up the good work!

3468963 oh yeah they are to. Opps. I'll fix that later. Its 3am wher I am

You're getting better, once again, this is an ok fic, again I can't talk. Good job :twilightsmile:

A Steyr M9-A1 to be precise. Still in the grip of somebodys skeleton.

Oh shit! They froze him then shot themselves?!
What the heck happened?!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!