• Member Since 31st Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen February 12th

NoLongerSober


Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Comments ( 560 )

Wow, that was your first story? I'm very impressed.

5546540 Thank you; it's the first thing I've written with the exception of a few story-assignments in English way back when. Can't take all the credit though - my two editors/proofers helped me tremendously.

too soon to judge in my opinion. Or maybe "not enough you need more" is a better way to put it?

5547135 Mm, what do you mean by more? Do you think the chapter should've been longer or more expansive or something else? Sorry if the question bothers you, I'm just desperately trying to grasp some form of feedback. ^^;

5547162
More than just this first chapter before I feel I can drawn any conclusions about the story quality.

I like what I've read so far, but it's very little to go on thus far. I look forward to more chapters.

You may want to separate some the text to indicate a transition, it currently seems like no time at all passes when the armor's taken off, even though Magic Barrier was apparently knocked out for days.

5550310 Thank you. I wasn't exactly sure what to do to signify the passing of time...I didn't want to just put a bunch of space for fear of it looking ignorant but...yeah. ^^; I'll add the space in from now on. Thank you.

5550349 I find a good way to do so is by putting hr in between some brackets Like these []. It gets results like this


I hope this helps.

5550359 I ended up putting a section-break in to split the scenes up. I think it worked...better than before, at the very least.

5550401 I think it works better as well, it makes things much clearer.

5550414 Right, back to chapter 3. Thanks again for the advice.

5550419 You're welcome, I hope this helps.

Comment posted by NoLongerSober deleted Jan 26th, 2015

Looks like Shining Armor, really interested in Twilight's cutie mark, named MAGIC Barrier. Well what his hunch is isn't hard to guess, suppose the "meat" will have to be the reaction. Only complaint I can think of is the chapters are pretty short, but no real problem

Nice chapter, but there's a few minor things you may want to edit.

“we don’t have any particularly accurate history books about pre-nightmare moon life!”

I think all of those should be capitalized.

Inwardly, Barrier grinned at the unicorns comment about his age.

That should be "unicorn's".

“Your majesty is she…?”

And I suggest adding a comma after "majesty".

5552914 Done, changed, and done, thank you. :3

I certainly like the possibilities this story has. I would suggest you work on making he chapters a bit longer, or, in your case, combining a few. The grammar is quite good, and very fluent. Keep it up!

5554142 Thank you - I'm actually in the process of trying to lengthen my new chapters. Hoping to get to an average of 2200-2500 per before long.

Whaddya know, it did sound better in his head.

5556380 I know, I know >.< Was originally going to try to work in "I boinked your grandmother" but couldn't find a comfortable way to do it.

5556416
Although, considering the thousand years and all-- 'Ancestor' would fit better. :twilightsmile:

5556425 Very true. Might change it tbh - the last bit didn't come out like planned. It really sounded funnier in my head. x.x

5556430
So in other words, the chapter title fits both autor and character? :raritywink:

“I’m your great grandpa.”

I do hope this is just him wanting to keep the title short, because unless unicorns live for 300+ years, there's a lot more great's to be added in. At least ten, I'd think.

"I'm your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa."

And silence.

5556611 It was. Added it up with 80 years as the average lifespan. I'd have had to put like...12 greats in there.

This is a nice chapter, but there some things you may want to edit.

“How in hell do you downgrade] armor!”

You may want to delete that.

The blond unicorns expression turned from superior to contemplative to stupefied over a period of three seconds and no retort seemed to be forthcoming; all in all, in was quite amusing.

That should be "unicorn's".

“You dare laugh at me!”

I think there should also be a a question mark before the exclamation point.

“Until three weeks ago, I killed ponies for a living…open that open that meat-hole of yours again and I’ll have all the reason I need to come out of retirement.”

You may want to delete those repeated words.

“your daughter Twilight, and especially this Shiny character.

And you're missing a quotation mark at the end of this.

Now, you're gonna make me blush. I told you I don't need any credit.

Nice chapter, but there's some things you may want to edit.

“I wasn’t afraid to bring it up. I wasn’t sure if she would react positively or negatively; I decided I would talk to you two before-hoof.”

I think that should be "was", since he didn't bring this up with Twilight before.

As for Twilight, I honestly think she’ll be ecstatic at the prospect of having a relative from so long ago, so long as you’ll answer het questions.

"her".

She didn’t take very calmly; the next thing I knew I was face-down with Nightmare Moon beating my flank like it was her job.”

I think some words are missing there.

Running his gaze over Shining Barrier, finally a stopped, a wide grin on his face.

I think that should be "Shining, Barrier finally stopped, a wide grin on his face."

seriously, was our flank looks like it was sculpted out of pure marble.

I think "was" should be deleted.

As terrible as the Nightmare War was, it told the reset of the world just how capable the Princess’s were.

First, that should be "rest", and second, that should be "princesses".

“Contrary to belief, our princess’s aren’t infallible. They’re ponies with emotions, same as us.”

See my previous note.

Cadance stopped walking, trying to process Barrier’s response and emotionless delivery; the unicorn kept wheeling along casuallyl.

And you'll want to delete that extra "l".

5575843 I tried throwing my cousin's kids in front of it but it wouldn't stop.

5576661 Does their mom hitting me count? She has a helluva of a right.

5576700
Ouch. Should have LEFT it up to her to deal with, eh?

5576810
That is a great pic. However, I should probably stop with the puns before it gets worse...





Nah. That pic fit just right.

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I feel like Vinyl will be Barrier's connection to Octavia.

5588299 I can neither confirm nor deny; I can only say the next two chapters are already done.

Well I decided to give this story a chance and so far I like what I'm reading so I will be tracking this.

Great chapter, but there's a few really minor things you may want to edit.

Seeing the unicorns horn light up frantically, Barrier lashed with his right hoof, striking the base of his opponents horn, his metal horse-shoe sending a crack up the length of the horn and sending a surge of magic back down into the unicorns skull; he was unconscious before he hit the ground..

First off, that should be "unicorn's". And second, you have two periods instead of one.

With a rapid-teleport, Barrier vanished and the earth-ponies hooves travelled through empty space.

And lastly, there should be an apostrophe at the end of "earth-ponies'".

Different....the pacing could use some work though, unless you are planning on slowing it down now that hes on his own away from the rest?

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