Chapter 1

The room was quiet, both its inhabitants sleeping soundly in the same bed. Twilight and Spike, close like most families, were just as prone to arguing over trivial things. Both dreamed deeply with no intent of waking up any time soon but suddenly Twilight’s cutie mark started to vibrate and a ripple of magical energy coursed through her body. Her sleep disturbed and her mind becoming alert, Twilight slowly opened her eyes.

“Ughhhhhh, who is calling me this… early in the morning?” Twilight groaned loudly, her eyes still half-closed as she turned to the window. She saw the sun barely start to rise way off in the distance.

A loud groan and the feeling of movement at her back legs reminded her that there was a baby dragon sleeping at the foot of her bed.

“Twilight, go back to bed,” Spike grumbled. Keeping his eyes shut, he grabbed the edge of the blanket covering Twilight’s body and yanked it closer to him.

“Don’t take the whole blanket, you goof,” Twilight groaned with annoyance, her body and cutie mark exposed. “Besides, you need to wake up.”

“No, it’s too ear…” Spike trailed off, trying his best to get back to sleep.

“I have a cutie call,” Twilight said noticing her mark glowing with light. Rolling onto her stomach and raising her body up, Spike groaned as she pulled the sheets off of him.

“Well answer it then,” Spike said matter-of-factly. He tried to grab the sheets but Twilight pulled it out of his reach.

“Spike, you know it’s hard for the receiver to hear me, considering I can never get a proper connection without your help.”

“So you’re admitting you’re hopeless without your number-one assistant then?” Spike asked with a grin, opening one eye partly to look at her.

“Oh yes, I’m hopeless without my number-one assistant,” Twilight replied, her eyes rolling and her voice melodramatically low. “It could be someone important.”

"Could be that coltfriend you always wanted," Spike said with a yawn as he pulled himself up.

"Could be, but at least someone is thinking about me then," Twilight rebutted with a smirk, causing Spike to open his other eye and glare at her. "Anyhow, could you answer that?"

"Ugh, fine." Spike hobbled over to Twilight's flank. “Sometimes I wonder how well you would function without me,” he grumbled.

“Like I said. You know I would be nothing without my number-one assistant,” Twilight cooed at him.

“True enough. I swear you wouldn't be able to make yourself breakfast without burning something.”

“Hey you know very well that gas oven is a tricky appliance to work!”

“Twilight, you burnt a glass of juice the last time you cooked.”

“Well, how was I supposed to tell the frozen juice from the frozen butter? Both looked the same and both were in unmarked containers.”

Spike said nothing and just rolled his eyes and shook his head. Quickly grabbing her tail with one hand, he slapped his other against her cutie mark and pulled the tail straight up into the air.

"Oww, not so hard will ya!" Twilight yelped as she felt a bit of pain burst from her rear.

"Don't you like it rough?" Spike said with a smirk before he brought his face close to Twilight's rear and began to speak. "You've reached the residence of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her number-one assistant. How can we help you?"

Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes.

"H-hello? Could... you speak up?" A voice spoke out, barely audible to both Twilight and Spike.

Spike jerked Twilight's tail to the left.

"Can you hear me now?" Spike spoke louder.

Nothing but static played out.

"Try the other side," Twilight suggested.

Spike tilted the tail back the other way.

"Can you hear me now!?" Spike asked, raising his voice a little bit.

"I hear... better... can... adjust.” The voice was so full of static the two of them were barely able to make out what they said.

"Fiddle around with it I guess," Twilight said in return.

"This would be easier if you didn't eat all those hay fries and burgers, Twi," Spike answered back as he moved the tail around. "You know the extra chub in your butt makes connecting to calls harder."

Twilight blushed and gave him an angry glare. “Keep those witty comments up and maybe I’ll start eating bean burritos more often. Considering you are in charge of answering my calls, I’m sure you know how unpleasant that can be.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Spike froze up.

Twilight said nothing and instead looked over her shoulder, lowered her eyelids and simply grinned at him.

“Ok… you would.” Spike made a mental note to never make a fat joke about Twilight’s butt again.

“Besides, it’s probably not my butt. This castle always interferes with calls,” Twilight said, staring at the crystal walls around her.

“Sure, whatever you want to believe,” Spike spoke with a sigh before mumbling under his breath, “You still have a fat ass and you know it.”

“You say something?” Twilight asked. “I didn’t hear you.”

"I said can you hear me now?" Spike said as he focused back on the caller patiently waiting for him.

"Sir, can you speak more clearly into your pony’s rear end?" the voice asked, now free of static. “You’re too quiet for me.”

“Heh, at least he didn't hear me and Twilight arguing,” Spike said quietly before he cleared his throat and spoke again. “I said... Can you hear me now!?"

"Do you really have to scream at my butt like that?" Twilight asked with annoyance.

"Well considering I'm the only one who will ever talk to it, I don't think you should complain." Spike smirked, letting go of her tail and allowing it to stay pointed in the proper direction.

"Even if that was true, at least I don't give my genitals names," Twilight said with a smirk. She held his gaze for a moment before she let her eyes drift down his body to rest on his crotch. "Isn't that right, Little Spike?"

"H-hey, not while i'm on the line!" Spike stammered out, crossing his legs out of instinct.

"Um sir... I can hear you now," the voice spoke.

"Ah, sorry about that. So, what do you need, my good sir?" Spike asked as he straightened up, now speaking in a formal tone.

The voice didn't reply, instead Spike was able to make out the sound of papers being shuffled and things being dropped. Wondering what was happening, he was about to ask if the creature on the other line was still with him, and after several moments passed in relative silence, he heard a click.

"Are you on your hooves all day? Does the constant pounding cause your knees and back to ache?" a robust and hearty voice played out.

"Ugh... Twilight, it's just another one of those telemark-whatsitsthing," Spike groaned, rolling his head back.

"What are they pitching this time?" Twilight asked, rolling her eyes out of annoyance.

"This is S. Hill and I am here to tell you about the wondrous new product called Hoof Gel!" The voice said, its tone chippy. “Whether you’re an Earth pony, a Pegasus, or even a Unicorn, you deserve the comfort of Hoof Gel. Stop spending hundreds on inferior horse shoes. Remember, nothing absorbs pain better than Hoof Gel!”

"Doesn't sound like something that will improve your sex life," Spike chuckled as he lowered Twilight's tail. “Plus it’s too early for this crap.”

“But wait! There’s mo-” the voice said before Spike hung up on it.

"Better to improve my sex life than not having one, am I right, Spike?" Twilight answered back in a sarcastic tone.

"W-whatever, Twilight. I'm going back to bed," Spike said, before moving back to his spot on the end of her bed.

“Mhmmm, that sounds like a good idea. I don’t even think it’s past seven yet,” Twilight said with a yawn.

“Yeah, yeah... whatever,” Spike grumbled.

“You know... you’re still my number-one assistant~” Twilight cooed, knowing she hit a sore spot with her previous comment.

“Meh.”

“Best number-one assistant in all of Equestria!” Twilight rubbed Spike’s back with her magic.

“Me…. mhmmmm, hey that feels nice,” Spike started to grumble but found Twilight rubbing a sore spot in his back.

“My number-one assistant deserves the best back rubs.” Twilight moved her magic harder against his scales and in return Spike rose up on both his hands and legs before stretching his body out.

“Mhmmm, do I ever,” Spike purred.

“If you make me breakfast at nine o’clock.” Twilight stopped rubbing. “I’ll rub your belly next.”

“Worried you’ll burn the juice again?” Spike asked, lowering himself back to the bed. He yanked some of the blanket back over onto his side.

“Do you want a belly rub later or not?” Twilight asked with a deep frown.

Spike smirked at her and Twilight chuckled slowly in return before they lay down and began to doze off.

9,598 views

583

Comments ( 101 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 101
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Vibrant Emotion

Vibrant Emotion #1 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 3 · ·

I guess Spike is the booty warrior. Okay it's a bad pun, but it's funny.

Skeeter The Lurker

Skeeter The Lurker #2 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 32 · 1 ·

Well... That happened.

~Skeeter The Lurker

LayTheBlackToRest

LayTheBlackToRest #3 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

But what about quesadillas?

lazyreader19

lazyreader19 #4 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 3 · ·

Well..this was...endearing? Certainly odd, that's for sure

Summer Dancer

Summer Dancer #5 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 10 · 3 ·

...Why are they sleeping in the same room?

djthomp

djthomp #6 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

It's good to have you back, Titty.

sbloom85

sbloom85 #7 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 27 · ·

6428756
derpicdn.net/img/2015/6/29/926292/large.jpg

Minevera

Minevera #8 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 3 · ·

I was there when the thread appeared on 4chan.
Good times.

Rainedash

Rainedash #9 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 12 · ·

That was a fun read, and well worth five minutes of my life. Have a thumbs up.

Alticron

Alticron #10 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

Nice story, but there's one little part you may want to capitalize.

"H-hey, not while i'm on the line!"

The Slending Angel

The Slending Angel #11 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 3 · 1 ·

This is S. Hill

...

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPESOMUCHNOPECAN'TEVENCOMPREHENDTHESHEERAMOUNTOFNOPE

livinthelife

livinthelife #12 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 4 · ·

Welp, that sure was a thing that I read.

sbloom85

sbloom85 #13 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

6429210
I saw that as both Silent Hill and Sam Hill, but my brain told me to go with Sam Hill.

The Slending Angel

The Slending Angel #14 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6429240 It sure as hell scared me as to whether or not this story was taking a dark turn.

Forgoten Null

Forgoten Null #15 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

That was a good thread

Majestic Hamster

Majestic Hamster #16 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

This was one of the funniest stories I've read in awhile. Great job sir.

OmniFox

OmniFox #17 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

There's not much Hatchling Spike fanfics lately.

Eclipse_filer

Eclipse_filer #18 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

So, what does the flank beeper (that's what I'm calling them) work for the rest of the main 6 or what?

Myrandall

Myrandall #19 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 9 · ·

Not a Comedy tag?

TheArchive

TheArchive #20 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 11 · ·

6430493

Of course not. After all, couldn't you tell from the story that this is nothing more than Spike answering a phone call using Twilight's butt? Obviously such an ordinary occurrence wouldn't need a comedy tag.

DarkDMan

DarkDMan #21 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 2 · ·

Low blows aside, this was fun.

Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles #22 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 13 · 1 ·

In Canterlot, Spike finally got ___________.
i.imgur.com/Po3v5TX.png

Swashbucklist

Swashbucklist #23 · Sep 16th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6430312 I'm sure it does. No doubt Rarity likes to keep Spike around as often as possible in case of a call, and he is happy to comply.

Christs Disciple

Christs Disciple #24 · Sep 16th, 2015 · · ·

Odd. But okay. So, thumbs up.

CjTheDragonWolf

CjTheDragonWolf #25 · Sep 17th, 2015 · · ·

HAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH *wheezy breath* HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS AMAZING HAHAHAHAHAHAH *later found dead of improper breathing*

musicman722