• Member Since 16th Feb, 2014
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catcatpuss66


loves mlp and cats nya


T

Twilight, who was walking home from a princess summit, finds two young foals alone in a trashcan, beaten and skinny. She does the responsible thing in this situation, she gets them some milk then takes them to the hospital.


Nyx is from Past Sins. Link.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 98 )

Really like the story, when will the next chapter be out?

Not a bad start will track and vote later. don't trust spell check
the pegasus was more better off [more better]???

she summons some milk for the two [summoned]

''Thanks you too, 'night.'' [Thank]

All over the young foal body was cuts and bruises, and he/she clearly had a black eye, with a broken eyelid.

You want to see a broken eyelid?
i.imgur.com/hPSux54.png?1
You don't know broken eyelid until you've used Garry's Mod or the Source Filmmaker, son.

Also: this wasn't exactly A-grade literature, you need to work on your grammar and spelling. I suggest getting a proofreader.

Looks good so far.

But I think Twilights decision to adopt them is a bit quick. The first chapter should about how Twilight find them and takes them to the Hospital where they get treated. And then in the second chapter Twilight decides to adopt them.
That's my opinion.

I really like this story so far hope to read more soon

Good story but I can't favorite it for some reasons. One; some grammar errors, not much but just enough for me to mentally edit it in some cases. Two; the lack of emotions throughout the whole chapter is off putting in someway, Twilight found two foals in a dustbin, which were severely beat up. I'm sorry but if I was Twilight I would be panicking a lot. That is all I have to say for now.

But if you'd like I could help in the edit of your chapter, and future chapters.

5359392 You could help if you want....but I'm not that good with getting people to help me...Plus, I'm not fully sure about emotions which is probably why many of my works are rushed....

5359684 No problem I can help with that. With your permission I will start doing revision on the first chapter?

slow down!!
nice story but really, slow down.:derpyderp1:

Besides some grammatical problems, this is very heartwarming.

aw, no earth pony.

5361834 Well, the twins will be making friends with Pound, Pumpkin and Cream Puff and Skyla, so we have all 4 actually.

Aww this is so sad. But a nice story.

I've always loved stories about adoption. I will make this my next new favourite.

I don't want to come off as insulting or anything...

But next time, don't use "Unloaded Source Engine Texture Placeholder" as your palette of choice when designing an OC.
cdn.akamai.steamstatic.com/steamcommunity/public/images/items/4000/5182552889af62a2ae66b8c79cd41d1ff66b03ad.jpg
The colours clash and are frankly painful to look at. Perhaps you could at least desaturate the pink a tad, and brighten the black to a more grey shade.

5366043 ...Um I use bases and paint to design my characters....

5366084 Oh, I think you misunderstood. What I meant is that the colours you chose for the pink OC don't go together very well. Pink and black contrast each other heavily, especially when the pink is as saturated as it is here.

A palette, if you didn't know, is a word used to describe the set of colours you use for a picture or something similar. I called yours "Unloaded Source Engine Texture Placeholder" due to the fact that the pink and black used are very similar to the ones found on the pink and black checkerboard pattern I linked. That pattern appears in Source Engine games when the engine fails to load a texture.

If you want to keep the colours, I'd recommend desaturating the pink a bit, to make it less "glowing" so to say. I'd also recommend making the black more of a dark grey.

5366856 I like using them colors, I used pink because of Aura's eye color...just to make them look more like lets say sisters...And black, because then I could give her rather cute pigtails when she grows up and have them look natural...

As the sun was setting just below the glistering sunset, Nyx walked along the dusty streets of Ponyville with the CMC, they had been out crusading and she was now heading home. She smiled, but then she noticed that the door was shut, normally when her mother was in, the door was left open for anypony looking for a book.

Nyx

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/554/333/d52.gif

5369512
What he means is you added a famous character from another person's story into your own. Nyx has been used by many people to make their story more… I really don't know. For some reason people think it's a good idea to add Nyx to their story. My advice. It isn't… It never is.

5369534 Why?

I'm only adding Nyx so the twins have somepony to relate to, as a older sister.

5369534

Shockwave— This story actually reminded me of you. I was hoping you never found this for your own health.

5369540
Because some people don't like Nyx, and others have no idea who the hell she is because they've never read Past Sins. I haven't even read it, but I only know her from other stories that have her in it. Again, you're using an OC from someone else's story. It's not too hard to understand why it's not a good idea.

5369544
Someone referred this story to me already.

Veal? I think u mean veil

5369555

Confirmed. If an older sibling is needed for this story, why not Spike? Everyone knows who he is, he's more like a child of Twilight thus can relate to the two children taken in by Twilight, and you won't have people turned off by the story because of Nyx.

Besides, at the time of this comment, there is no link to Past Sins. Don't you think that having knowledge on a character like Nyx would be helpful? But that's okay, sometimes you can get away with that by properly explaining who Nyx is. Here though, we don't get that. It's like everyone should know who Nyx is going into it. Worse yet, you could do the story she comes form discredit by poorly conveying that character.

You also need an editor. Someone who can get rid of errors. Trust me, everyone needs an editor. Bad grammar and poor formatting can throw off potential readers. There's plenty of groups around that you can search for.

I like the idea of the story, now you need help crafting it.

5370132 Spike is more of a uncle to me...After all, Twily was a filly when he was hatched making him more of a younger brother..

Plus, I didn't think of linking it as many people know who Nyx's is.....

5370168

And some don't. You gotta keep that in mind when writing a side story. But the important thing right now is for you to get an editor.

5370253 I have one who sorted ch 1 out, but he/she hasn't done chapter 2 yet...

love it hope to read more soon

5370256 Yeah right now I haven't started reading it yet, catching up on today new chapters release and all.

5370256 And I might do a reediting of chapter 1 sometime after editing chapter 2

5370782 Good news; first half of the chapter is done. I'm impressed really it is very well written, apart from little bits of error here and there it is much more cleaner and easier to correct then the first chapter.

Also I have added little thing here and there as well to help with the fluidity of the chapter over all, so expect the edited version in tomorrow. :pinkiehappy:

Not.. bad so far. There's a great amount of grammatical errors and I feel like the story needs a lot of proofreading.
Also I completely agree with Dementia Ravenmane (Love the name) The pink foals colors are very veeery soar to the eye. I feel if you brighten the colors a lil, It'll be just fine.
Altho.. they really don't look like siblings to me ouo;;
Also I'd look up how much damage a small child can take, cause if a baby is underweight, beaten nearly to death, 'broken.. lid'?, and thrown into a dumpster..
They'd probably be dead. (But I suppose Twilight could have shown up before anything bad happened?)

great story so far. hope you continue it.

If this could've evoke any kind of feeling beside utter annoyance about the absurdly obvious grammatical errors, terrible pacing, illogical and meaningless rubish and next to no sympathy-stirring ability this thing could actually have went through the approval test. Seriously, other than the formatting there is absolutely nothing positive I can tell you about this story. Thanks for making me lose all my faith in this site.

How does this thing has 70:7 rating again?

Comment posted by Kobitsu deleted Jan 1st, 2015

have you heard of a wing surgery which can sort that out?'' Redheart

You're a fucking nurse, you should now this

''Well, there so young that I don't want to put them in a orphanage

Because orphanages are so evil

5450505 Okay, the orphanage one I slightly get but the doctor one, ugh. Redheart was ASKING TWILIGHT if she knew of the surgery, so she already knew about it herself.

5373863
I agree with this. Although this seems to have a well thought out storyline, there are some errors. It's just constructive criticism.

5452281 He is confused not you.
I think you may have meant it like in a "have you heard the effects of wing surgery?" kind of way.

Nyx is back? :heart::raritystarry: Yay :heart:
And great job.
13/10

5650948 Way to overate just for Nyxie (Nyx)

5650956.
Nah! You really can't overrate Nyx (in my opion).
keep up the great work

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