- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2018
Not_A_Hat
That sunny dome! those caves of ice! And all who heard should see them there, And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
Not_A_Hat
Joined 22nd Oct, 2013 ·
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Quite possibly the best story I've read in years, and it has such a great feel to it. The hoard items and dragon-magic was written well enough to be accepted instantly without a thought otherwise. This is definitely how I'd want Spike to be in the future, and I'm loving your shaman.
10/10
That was... Amazing!!! These kinds of stories never really appealed to me before, but now that I've read this one, I can't imagine why! Thank you for writing this! I especially loved your choice of diction!
I sense a disturbance... as if Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda were combined into a Zebra.
I am also ok with this.
5162393 Thank you very much! I was a little chary of publishing this, since the first draft was just intended for practice, but after my proofreaders put a lot of effort into helping me improve it, I thought it was worthwhile.
The dragon magic is actually something I thought up for another (much longer) story, which I've been considering as one of the options for my next project.
5162397 Thanks! It seems to me lots of the shorts on this site tend towards either random or dark, which I'm not a particular fan of myself. I was trying for a more hopeful tone, so maybe that's part of it.
5162596 Heh, that might not be far off; with a sizeable dose of world-weary snark, perhaps. I had fun writing Rishi, although I considered using Spike as the viewpoint character, I'm glad I didn't.
A truly amazing piece of writing, needless to say I loved it. I also love your idea of dragon magic, I've been trying to think of my own ideas for dragon magic but never came up with something so original or fitting for a dragon. Once again excellent work!
Pulled me in from the first paragraph and just delved deeper and deeper. Magical and profound, just like your last story I read.
As Spike flew home on his new wings a panicked thought crossed his mind.
'What will Rarity think? I just flamed her cloak she designed specially for me!'
"I'm dragon toast!"
Tolkein reference. +500 points.
5163493 Thank you! I simply tried to organically extend the principles seen in the show, and that's where I ended. If you find it interesting, by all means use it.
5164354 Thanks! I'm very happy you enjoyed it so much.
5165085 Man... I didn't even think of working Rarity into the story like that. It could have been part of his hoard.
5165125 Caught the (very obscure) Tolkien reference; +9001 points. :P It was going to be either Ancalagon, Ninereeds (Terry Pratchett), or Shimergloom (R.A. Salvatore), but I love Tolkien's pithy names the best.
You wrote this for practice? I think you're ready.
Honestly, I loved your depiction of Dragon magic and biology, it works well. Plus I love seeing Dragons as ultimate lifeforms. Spike has become very wise already.
5166027 I, uh... thanks?
5167755 Thank you very much! I did spend a considerable amount of time polishing, but I didn't set out to write a story to publish; that came after one of my pre-readers put a lot of work in, and I started feeling invested.
I've seriously considered submitting stories to paying venues. Maybe one of these days I'll have a non-MLP idea that really grabs me. Or maybe I'll spend my time writing the longer Spike-centered story I pulled those ideas for magic from.
One word Wow.
Such wisdom. I like how you portrayed Spike.
5169819 Thank you!
5170202 Thanks! I changed several things in order to make their conversation seem more genuine, and I'm glad it worked.
5163142
I was thinking the magic of the dragon hoards is not unlikely the one of the "Keys" which opened the box of the Tree of Harmony.
Pretty damn good. Of course, when you write like this, you know I'll always want more, especially back story-wise.
I knew a guy named Rishi in secondary school. Punched him in the fucking face.
That was quite the interesting story. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, but I liked it. Good stuff.
5189268 Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.
Magnificently done, good sir.
5191856 Thank you!
Wonderful oneshot. The polishing and editing you claim to have done shows, as the whole thing flows and transitions very smoothly. Spike's three-paragraph description of his adventures gave me the same rousing feelings as the opening crawl of a Star Wars movie, coupled with the mystique of PJ's Tolkien adaptations. And Spike's blazing climax could almost be called exhilarating!
5322269 Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm very happy both the flow and the 'adventurous' feel I was going for came across well.
Hmm... encouraging comments... I should write more. :P
Amazing. I disliked it because yin-yang and shit. But still, amazing.
-SYA, The Horse
5421048 Well... ah, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :/
Really liked this a lot although I'm not entirely sure I saw the wisdom. Well, Spike certainly did and he did it beautifully and very much in matured character.
Heh, story of my life.
Good work.
5442349 Well... to be honest, I never intended to write a 'deep' story. My aim here is to entertain, so I grabbed some concepts and wrapped them up in interesting characters. For what it's worth, though, Spike's realization was intended to be something like: what's valuable doesn't need to be far away or hard to find, and 'freedom' is not always as simple as 'a lack of boundaries'.
Still, all that is filtered through both my narrative and the reader's experience, so the story may convey something entirely different. I'm happy enough that people have enjoyed it.
5442812
And good on you for that. There are too many 'deep' stories that don't have clearance for larger boats so to speak.
It's a very enjoyable story and it gives a good many points for the reader to relate to.
The old shaman's mutterings at the end give it a beautifully worded moral and good closure though.
How...
is that the right question to ask? I surely feels like it. But I know that asking it would be meaningless, for it'd not give me the answer I expect, but the one you belive would be right, and despite how egotistical it might sound, what you think and what I want are not the same.
All I think I should say right now is "thank you". I think about many other words and sentences that should follow those "thanks", but they eventually turn into "thank you's" as well.
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...
I'm bowing down even if you can't see it. I respect you and your work. I respect the way you choose your words and the order you write them in. I've learned a lot I can't put into words right now. I'm not even sure I understand half of what I've in my head now.
I've to thank you just one more time.
I owe you a present. I'll finish it some day. It'll be a story I hope you enjoy then, nearly as much as I enjoyed yours now.
5443912 ...how? Well, it goes something like this...
Life.
You're welcome, and I'm glad you've enjoyed my words. I'll eagerly look forward to your story, and whether I enjoy it or not, I'll definitely cherish it, because a honest gift is a wonderful thing.
5165167 This is a bit silly but I didn't know that you had replied to my comment so I just wanted to say thank you thats a very kind offer and I appreciate it. Obviously if I was to use your idea I'd ask for permission and give credit but first I need to find the courage to start a fic lol. Seriously though thank you and good luck with your current/future projects. P.S. Sorry for taking so long to respond.
10\10 love
5510101 Hey, no worries; things are easy to miss. No pressure, but you should definitely give writing a shot sometime. I might be biased, but I think it's a lot of fun.
5522277 Thanks!
I quite like the story. It plays around with a lot of common elements that one typically finds in these types of stories, like old and wise zen masters, legendary trinkets, etc. I like how Rishi seems more eccentric and down-to-earth compared to the usual givers of knowledge in such stories (like Rafiki in Lion King or something), how mundane things like the skystone and Spike's hoard actually were (even if they did end up having a pronounced effect on him; some very interesting ideas you've got there regarding dragon magic). And ultimately, turning these tropes on their head helps contribute to the moral of the story - how important are vague, mysterious riddles that are only ostensibly wise? How important are treasures that are nearly immeasurably valuable without loved ones with whom to share those values?
One other thing I do find noteworthy is the sudden shift in tone when Rishi calls Spike out by name. By that point it was already pretty clear who the dragon was, but just revealing it like that, along with the playful banter regarding Zecora, changes the ddirection the story felt like it was headed towards drasticdrastically. While I'm not complaining about the end result, I do wonder what direction the story would have taken if there wasn't the name drop. I imagine it'd be more sobering, among other things. Would that be an improvement to the story? I dunno. It's definitely not a major factor, but food for thought nonetheless, I suppose.
All in all, I think it was quite an enjoyable read.
5692514 Thanks! The dragon magic is a system I roughed out for a much longer story, which I've shelved for the time being.
I drew inspiration for Rishi from Terry Pratchett's witches; Granny Weatherwax in particular. I've always liked his down-to-earth mystics.
I'll be honest; I didn't intend a tone shift when Spike's name is said. It's more likely the tone shift unconsciously happened when Spike decides to return without the skystone slightly after, as that's more of a turning point in the narrative; if I hadn't mentioned his name, it would have likely continued in exactly the same way, just without those few lines. If he had taken a piece, the narrative would have ended quite differently, possibly on a nearly opposite note.
I wrote a review of this story; it can be found here.
Man, I really enjoyed this.
The beginning, as most beginnings tend to be, was a little overwrought, but it contained enough powerful and distinct images to justify it. It also did a good job of introducing Rishi, so well done on that count.
The middle was where this was strongest. I enjoyed the guarded dialogue between Rishi and Spike, each of them testing the waters, trying to figure out the other's motives and intent -- great stuff. The explanation of dragon magic and the significance of the hoard was wonderful. A fantastic piece of law.
The ending was the weakest part. Clever, crafted dialogue devolved into lengthy monologues, which felt like they should be inspiring but missed the mark. Spike's realisation also felt a little clunky.
One thing that particularly annoyed me was the sudden one-eighty that Rishi pulled. In the middle, he is awed by Spike's trinkets, and yet here he dismisses them -- the oricalcum he calls copper, the tears salty water. The inconsistency nagged at me.
But that moment Spike gets his wings made up for it. Damn was that visually impressive. I loved every moment, from the wings of fire, to the tiny holes in his back. Great writing.
So yeah, on the whole, I thought this was a great piece. Nice stuff, Hat!
EDIT: Rishi was great.
5877500 What Risihi is supposed to be doing when he comments on the hoard a second time, is highlighting how value is something we attribute to things. None of Spike's treasures are valuable for what they are; they're valuable for where they're from, or who gave them and why. Tears, for example, mean a lot more when they're shed for people instead of onions. It's intended to play into Spike's realization that he doesn't need a new treasure; he needs to value what he has more strongly. But I may have mishandled it somewhat, if that's not clear.
Still, I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the comment.
5880470
What he is trying to do is clear, but I still feel a little bothered by it. That's just a personal reaction, though. Feel free to disregard it
I think that should be "IT doesn't look like much."
"...finally freeing A small cubic crystal."
6069239 Fixed, thanks!
...sorry, I sort of intended to do that and then forgot.
I like this one. An interesting look at draconic hoarding. I'm curious though, how old did you envision spike while writing this? Or at least, how much older? It's definately an interesting concept how direct you made the correlation between his magic and what he treasures.
Also made me think a bit, if dragons live for thousands of years, maybe they're not as selfish as everyone thinks. At the rate most humans collect trinkets and keepsakes, they would have quite a hoard after a few thousand years.
I think you mean "crude".
Double space.
7377519 "Rude" is an old-fashioned way to say "crude, primitive, natural", from about the same time that "nice" was a way to say "detailed, precise, delicate, small".
7616581 Fair enough. Suppose I should've double checked the definition on that one.
Cool story bro ;3 i'm new here and idk how this works yet lol
I've grown and so has this story on me.