- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2018
Not_A_Hat
That sunny dome! those caves of ice! And all who heard should see them there, And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
Not_A_Hat
Joined 22nd Oct, 2013 ·
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It is a pretty nice one shot and an amazing first time as well.
An interesting first attempt at writing Pony Fiction. Structurally sound and very good on the mechanics and grammar front. The O.C. could have used a little fleshing out, and the background conflict could have used some elaboration, but in all a very worthy effort. Good job!
For a first time it was fantastic, ive read storys by more experienced writers that paled in comparison you certenly have talent now all you need is time.
This, is really good.
I smell talent.
I HAVE FANS!
SQUEEEEEE!
Seriously, though, these compliments made my night.
The back-story remaining unexplored was intentional; I didn't want make it the focus of the story. Thanks for the criticism; I'll take it to heart. Now, to bed!
Wow! This was a very good story. You've done a great job, definitely keep on writing!
This is amazing
I loved this read! It made me smile the whole time. I'm glad Spike wasn't completely changed when everyone he knew left him. This was really touching.
This work of fiction has intrigued me. You obviously have talent. While I personally do not enjoy this part of the ponyfics- namely, sad fics about the inevitable death of mlp, or similar subjects (a personal issue)- this was still very well written, and executed. I especially enjoyed the characterisation of Maple Sugar.
I would love to see what you could device based on the present day Equestria. Perhaps stories of an oc in another city? just throwing the idea out there...
3459329
Thanks! I'm very happy you enjoyed it, even though it is a sad story. I agree with you, actually; sad, dark, and tragedy are tags I don't really want to read much, either. On the other hand, I very much want to be able to write sad.
I don't think I'm going to go full OC. The mane6 are popular, and have so little charachterization anyways...they make for great fanfiction, in my opinion. I have considered extending this story, though I think I may have made the backstory a bit too dark for comfort. I think Ancient Dragon Spike has a lot of potential as a 'powerful mentor' charachter.
The story I'm currently working on for FanNoWriMo is a Human story, actually, about a guy who escapes from a changelings gladiator arena with a dangerous artifact of dark magic embeded in his chest. I'm not really a fan of human, either, but that's more to do with the fact that so many of them are cookie-cutter-copies. I hope I can avoid some of that. I should have a chapter or two ready after the weekend.
...I can honestly say I did not expect to enjoy this as much as I did. Bravo, thumbs up, etc. It's a shame there won't be more.
... To short, to many questions left unanswered. Not enough development.
3473187 Sorry to disappoint. :(
I liked this. Good story.
Wait what?
This is the first thing you ever wrote? I call BS!
While it has its faults; it's mostly due to the fact that it's a one-shot, and further more, a short one at that. I read that last paragraph expecting to click to chapter two, and was supremely disappointed. I mean, "...Part of the set is gone for good."
WHAT THE-
Hold on. Gotta restrain my novelist self wanting to immediately fill in the blanks of what would cause one of the Elements of Harmony to be lost/destroyed over the course of 1300 years.
Anyways, very good/nice/whatever, but please. This is top-notch work for a one-shot. I beg of you to continue the story!
(P.S. If you're gonna write a one-shot, I'd personally prefer for it to stand-alone and resolve itself; or not, if it is designed to be written that way. This doesn't have that feel. But yeah.)
4547554 Not the first thing; the first pony thing. Thanks for the compliments! I intended to resolve the conflict Maple had, and I think I did that; the rest was intended for flavor only. Perhaps it was a bit heavy-handed. Still, it was intentionally marked complete.
I did have ideas for a longer sequel... in essence, a set of ponies would 'inherit' power from several of the show's characters, and turn the tide back. Potential mentors were Discord, Celestia, and Nightmare Moon... but I don't currently plan to continue this; it's honestly on the dark side for what I enjoy. I have a story I'm currently devoted to, and I'm outlining another for when that's over. But there's always a chance I'll come back to it.
Or, if you really like it, feel free to grasp whatever inspiration you can find and carry it off. I'd even send you my thoughts.
4548553
Heh. It's all about the little words.
I would consider continuing it, but I myself am a weak writer. I appreciate the notion though; and heavy-handed flavor or not, I loved it.
That reminds me... I need to catch up on Gladiator!
Though, if I ever get bored, I'll consider drafting a chapter. I'll send it to you if I ever end up getting something somewhat satisfactory.
Nicely done,
5165148 Thanks!
It's alright.
Hm... a nice and different one that.
Your imagery is very evocative; makes it really easy to see the scenes before you. You did great on that aspect, really.
The story stumbles somewhat when we get introduced to the 'why' Maple is in that Celestiaforsaken mountainous wasteland. The ongoing crisis feels somewhat contrived and flat when compared to that extremely vivid experience you just served up until that point. You kind of involuntarily shine a spotlight on your not so great work on world-building by setting the bar so high. ;)
Anyway, world-building issues aside, this is a very nice read.
I already liked Maple when she reached the cave mouth and you managed to convey a lot about the character simply by describing the descent into the Dragon's lair. 'Show don't tell' as it should be.
She's certainly convincing. As for Spike, I like your take on him; others won't. Who can say if this 1300 year old creature is ooc or not.
One nitpick is the attempt of using the written word to express actions by itself.
-hic- ...should be something like 'she hickupped between sobbing the words'
'Waaaaaah' ...should be 'she wailed'.
It disrupts the flow and kills the atmosphere as it can only ever be a very pale imitation of what was actually happening in the scene.
Oh look, an essay. Heh.
And that on your first FIMfic. Ah well, I enjoyed it.
Good work.
5442591 I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I really do appreciate that you took the time to write up a critique; it's always useful to hear someone's thoughts.
Looking back, I think the 'contrived' feeling with the backstory comes with such a sudden switch from 'showing' to 'telling'. I didn't want to linger on that long, but I probably rushed it too much. Spending even another paragraph, and perhaps injecting more of Maple's emotions, would have likely helped.
As for the sound effects...You're probably correct. I don't think I'd have written that bit the same way if I was writing it now. Still, I like the idea of actually chopping the sentence a few times; describing someone's voice breaking, right before or after a full, unbroken sentence, doesn't quite feel right. But there's likely a better way to do it than the way I did.
5442702 Thanks for the elaborate reply; it's much appreciated!
I think you're right concerning the background story, that is that you landed right in the middle of two passable options and the story sat there and felt uncomfortable.
If you didn't have more background thought up than this I guess a very short and even more nebulous info-dump would have sufficed. You give the protagonist some reason to be there but don't distract from the ongoings in any way.
If you did have more background and thought it important then I think you should have Maple actually tell it from a very personal point of view that only gives you a little piece of the grand picture, thus leaving everything up to imagination in a similar way as the short and vague info-dump. Unlike the info-dump though, this could have been a very gripping scene with your demonstrated ability for bringing this character to life. Anyway, both approaches would probably work fine.
As for the sound effects: I'm with you on the continuous sentence vs chopped up speech. Maybe it could work like this? Just an idea. I'm having fun now ;)
She gave a devastated wail before shouting "I... I hate you!" Anguish filled her voice. "You're awful! I wish you had just..." She gulped for air, making her hiccup between the choked out words. "...eaten me like I thought in... instead! Even if it... it hurt; at least I... wouldn't have to feel this h... hopeless!"
Any thoughts on this? I'm happy to learn myself and right now you seem to unwittingly be helping me with my writer's block
Well, good night from Denmark and congratulations for keeping me from going to bed at a reasonable time :)
5442922 I tend to think of stories as threads, or flows. I guess the 'background' scene's real problem, in my mind, is that it interrupts the 'flow' I'd previously established. It's like... well, show/tell is often quoted and misunderstood, but here's how i think of it. Telling is useful for speeding up a story, while showing is useful for drawing the reader in. (Showing isn't as simple as complicated description, and telling isn't as simple as beige prose, but... even though I know how I think about them, I don't have a simple explanation.) I didn't want to spend much time on the backstory, because it's honestly not very important. However, I think I switched too quickly from showing to telling, so I broke the flow. To smooth it out, at the very least I'd try to make the transition more gradual. Now, I might have Maple narrate it, like I did with Spike in Wings... if I felt i could keep it to a reasonable length. But I've grown a lot as an author since I wrote this story.
With the sound effects; yeah, that's probably more how I'd write it if I was doing it now. I don't know if I'd cut the sound effects completely, but I think your paragraph there works pretty well.
I work night shift, so staying up super-late is normal for me. Sleep well. I'm glad I could help with your writer's block; if you ever want to talk about writing, feel free to msg me. On the weekends I'm often at loose ends, and it would be nice to have more friends who shared my hobby.
5443020
Good morning!
I think I can agree with you on the 'flow' and your perspective on the show-don't-tell; that's a good way to put it.
And yeah, of course you've moved on and grown as an author by now - I just had fun dissecting this piece and discussing it with you :)
Anyway, I might just take you up on that PM offer.
Cheers!
5444824 Good afternoon! Anytime, sir. Anytime; I usually enjoy discussing writing.
feet :(