- Member Since 24th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 9th, 2023
zalla661
Trixie Senpai FOREVER!!! Ship Trixie with anyone and you'll make your fic 500% cooler/awesome! Also remember to give the golden mares some love! Mayor Mare, Cherry Jubilee, and Harshwhinny!
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Well this is an idea I like to see, two showmares on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Interesting to have another thread of the story be bullying, seems Spitfire got to be on both sides of that and is trying to change. I'm interested to see what Trixie's perspective on that is, so far we only know she intervened in a case, but there is also her behaviour on stage that was pretty much bullying her hecklers, so there may be more there.
I look forward to seeing more of this, keep up the good work.
Now for a few things I noticed while reading:
Sat*
Within his* grasp
Asked*
For thought dialogue, it's usually a good idea to use Italic, to set it apart from the rest.
At*
Wow, wait, what?
1, I am rather surprised to see swearing out of the blue.
2, Spitfire assaults her commanding officer TWICE, (a slap, which got no retaliation, and now a headlock,) for saying she is late on dates? I feel like we're missing mountains of context here. (I realize there is some later on, but it seems kinda flimsy. Like if Spitfire had been teasing her with a dead foal or something I might have understood. O.o)
3, "Struggling Spitfire" needs a comma in between. There's a couple more examples where you could use a comma in this story, but I didn't want to nitpick all of them. (But hey, as long as I'm on this section I may as well include it.)
Missing a " mark at the start.
I think that some point during this paragraph the speaker changes to Trixie?
If so, it needs to split into a new paragraph.
I hope this helps, good luck. ^^
5054811 Thanks for the help there. I was hoping after a week of reading the same text I'd caught all that. Still thanks for the bold encouragement. I promise the reason for Fleetfoots reaction will be explained later, for now it's a mystery.
On a more personal note it was your story Trixie's Forest Retreat that inspired me to write such a story. That and I like the idea of two showponies together from different backgrounds. Should I have put a comma back there? "That, and? or no?
Also you're right the swearing was a bit much. I didn't mean for that to happen honestly it just came out.
Seriously though thanks for nitpicking for me. Can I interest you in a permamnet position as nitpicker of my story?
5055456
Unfortunately, the brain is really good at seeing what you meant to write, rather than what it actually says.
But you definitely put in your due diligence. I'm glad to hear that there is in fact more context that we're currently not seeing. I'll impatiently wait to see it revealed then.
It's not necessarily wrong of course, since it's your story and you can make the characters say whatever you want, but I'm glad we see eye-to-eye on this one.
The change looks good, "Jerk" is definitely more fitting here.
Good taste in scenario.
I honestly have no idea... Which brings us to:
As I just so elegantly displayed, my own grasp on punctuation is not quite where it should be yet either, and I wouldn't want to enforce any bad habits in you.
If you like, I can proofread to pick out the things I am able to, but I would still recommend getting an actually competent editor.
It is really good, i say it often, but right now i feel like it was really worth my time. Well let say i hope this isn´t a short story, always the good story´s are really short. If you make it a short one i would like a sequel. If you keep up the good work i can say i really want that sequel or a long story.
5069943 Thanks I'm glad you like it. I dare say Trixie is my favorite character in the series too, they should do more with her personally.
Anyway hope I can keep you and everyone else entertained for the time being.
Yet I feel they won't. So here I am filling the gaps as it were.
Wow, Trixie's living conditions are horrific. I do wonder how Trixie got that wagon. It cant be her original wagon since that was destroyed, but judging from the condition perhaps she picked this one up from a trashheap just so she'd have something. Worse, it might be the only thing anyone was willing to sell her for whatever bits she had left. Since Trixie claims the suitcase is all she owns, it seems most likely the wagon isn't technically hers.
This might sound cruel, but I was really hoping Fleetfoot would hate Trixie (at the very least innitially), lovely to see that come true. I can't wait to see to what kind of conflicts that will lead. Quite nice that it's more out of a sisterly devotion than just random hatred. It makes a lot of sense Fleetfoot wants to protect her sister from her own bad decisions, such as taking a homocidal wizard under her wing.
Now on to a few notes:
Curiously, you used {} for thoughts instead of Italics in this one instance.
Nicknames are treated the same as names. So capitals and comma's as per usual.
"Hey there, Hon, you come this way often?"
Pace*
Passed*
Missing a space.
One of these is unneeded. I suggest removing the first one.
Because this uses a said tag, the dialogue would end with a comma.
Forgive*
You do this correctly everywhere else, so it was probably just a typo, but since this is a 'said tag' it would be: she*
I think some kind of verb is missing is here?
Also, the sentence should end with a period in this case.
Now for just a general comment on the use of punctuation:
Names/nicknames in dialogue have specific rules.
1. A name/nickname is always capitalized. (This is always true regardless of dialogue or not.)
2. The name/nickname of the person being spoken to is always flanked by comma's. (Unless it is a sentence start/end, then only one side has the comma.)
Example:
The reason is to avoid confusion. If you take the Fleet example. The first sentence states that Spitfire is saying that she knows who Fleet is. The second sentence states that she is telling Fleet that she knows something.
Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. ^^
Oh my, the plot thickens.
Seems Fleetfoot has some history that makes her even more eager to protect Spitfire from insane ponies like Trixie. Of course we're only teased with this and have to wait to find out more, curses!
I rather like short chapters so hurray. ^^
Some notes:
Here*
The {} make a comeback, though only half of them this time. ^^
Pony's
Strangely, Fimfic is not displaying the line break here, but it does show up if i copy+paste it.
{" where I think you meant to use Italics.
Are you using some kind of program that changes {} to italics? Or is it something you do during writing to remind yourself to change it later?
YOUR*
Fleetfoot
I lack the ability to explain why, but this sentence seems off.
I understand what it is meant to say, yet I do not think it is correct.
Were*
You change the meaning of "her" in this sentence.
I suggest changing the first "her" to "Spitfire's".
She*
Did* (past tense)
This would need a "with" in the middle.
Also, while I'm here. You could use a comma before "trying"
Other than that. The same thing about names/nicknames from the last chapter still applies, but considering you had both chapters out before I had time to read and reply that's kinda Obvious. xD
You're doing pretty well on the whole really.
My abstract suggestion is to learn more about punctuation. In particular the usage of comma's. Through out the story you tend not to use them systematicly like:
Good luck on your interviews!
Or, if they've already happened, erm, good luck with getting calls? I dunno what to say. >.>
5078058
but I try to raise the bar if I can! 
Thanks for the tips friend. I'll try to put them to good use. Also The first interview went well still got ten or so to go. Also Thanks again for being my go to proof reader. It helps me greatly improve my writing. I'm sad to say that as art is my specialty, I was severely lacking in grammar in school,
5078058
Embarrassing for realsies.
One other thing, yes I do use the {} as a reminder to use italics later. Sometimes I miss them though, so yeah.
Also I'm glad you liked the feelings Fleetfoot has for Trixie and Spitfire. Honestly, I feel sibling bonds are wonderful. I never had any, so I take pride in putting such elements into my stories when I can. I'm also surprised by you friend. Most comments I read, and I do READ them, yo're surprisingly insightful and have a keen eye for details. Lot's of people would probably have wondered where Trixie got the wagon and/or say "continuity error" or something. Don't worry all will be explained in time until then, keep watching!
5078247
Heck, you are already better than I was when I started, so I have no doubt you will improve quickly. xD
About your {} system. Personally I like to type out the italics command "[ i ] words [ /i ]"(without spaces) while I'm writing, but I can imagine you might not like to do so. In your case you could also use the search/replace function to replace all {'s with [ i ] and all }'s with [ /i ] to ensure you hit them all. ^.~
What I can hearthily recommend, as it really helped me, is the school-for-new-writers group. Heck, who am I kidding, it still really helps me. ^.~
They have excellent lectures that are really worth reading through and bookmarking for reference. I learned many things that I didn't even realize I didn't know.
(An added bonus is that since they are a fimfiction group, I found it much easier to pay attention to the lectures since the examples were about ponies instead of abstract boring things like two laywers or whatever that other sources tend to use for their examples. ^^)
Upon rereading the above, it kinda sounds like an advertisement. >.>
I'm just trying to say, give it a try.
Enough about this boring stuff.
I'm excited to see that you will be elaborating on the wagon, because I suspect it will be part of us finding out more about how Trixie's week has been after she was chased out of Ponyville. So I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter and the Fleetfoot/Trixie showdown. :D
When you said an epic clash between Trixie and Fleetfoot, I did not expect you to mean in a dream. xD
Now, I do not like to start off negative, but since I like to go chronologically… I’m gonna just straight up say it. I don’t really like the dream. This mostly has to do with the notion that dreams aren’t real. What happens in a dream is just allegory for what the character is preoccupied with, and usually you do not need to spend much time to get the message across.
In that sense, it actually starts off rather well. In just under 200 words you do a good job of showing us Spitfire ‘living her dream’ as it were. Free of all her usual responsibilities, just doing what she really loves doing most, flying. It does well in relating to the reader what Spitfire actually wants. Which makes sense really, if you assume Rainbow Dash is an accurate representation of Wonderbolt hopefuls, Spitfire probably never wanted to be a Captain or deal with regulations, it just came with the territory of being a Wonderbolt, which while being the place the best fliers end up, is also much more than just flying. We do know that Spitfire’s original motivation was to change herself and put smiles on faces, not being a military commander.
After that, we step into what Spitfire actually fears: the two ponies she cares about not getting along, and being unable to do anything about it. I think you did a good job in displaying the helplessness by making Trixie and Fleetfoot huge forces of nature that Spitfire couldn’t hope to stop. The fight between them is a good way of showing what Spitfire is afraid of, but I feel it goes on too long and with too much detail. You do not need to do a blow by blow account of their clash. Really, the message you were trying to get across was loud and clear the moment they started fighting. Because it is a dream, the details of the fight are practically irrelevant and there is no suspense on who is going to win.
Okay, that’s enough of me ragging on dreams again. Let’s move on to some last minute revelations we got out of it. It’s interesting to see Spitfire is aware that her feelings for Trixie already exist, and that it is not the same kind of “lil sister” feeling that she has for Fleetfoot, but Spitfire isn’t quite aware what that feeling is yet.
Working out is part of Trixie's routine? I never really thought about that. I could see it though in the sense that Trixie pulls her own wagon, so she’d need to be strong, and she probably is plenty motivated to keep her figure so might need the other exercises to keep her body from ending up looking unbalanced.
Edit: I nearly forgot this part. The uneven patch of fur on Trixie's back. This seems like it was recent, and we're told that there was 1 other pony who was nice to Trixie aside from Pette, which I imagine will have to do with this shaven bit of fur. It seems possible that the fur was shaven in order to tend to a wound Trixie sustained at some point after getting run out of Ponyville, possibly due to her reputation as an evil wizard.
Chipmunk Trixie is awesomely cute. Unless I missed something, this is her first meal since she met with Spitfire? If so, her behavior is excusable. If they already ate something ‘off camera’ before though, then this way of eating might suggest something pretty dark about Trixie’s history if she feels compelled to eat quickly and as much as possible when the opportunity of free food presents itself…
Spitfire grooming Fleetfoot, that was just such a daww moment, I loved it. It goes a long way to show what kind of trust and comfort they have with each other despite what happened at the bar. They seem to be aware of the sister relationship they share, the only surprise for Fleetfoot was for how long Spitfire had actually felt that bond already. I am really enjoying their little moment together there where they show how much they care, talking about the past, and wanting that back.
The rough housing that proceeded it was also a nice bit of sibling affection. ;3
Now here’s where I’m gonna put on my detective hat. At the start of the story Spitfire is looking at a picture of the day she made her first friend in Flightschool, and it’s her fav picture. We now know that she met Fleetfoot in flightschool, and they still have a solid loving sister relationship. I suspect Fleetfoot might be that friend, and it makes sense that she could keep a picture like that around. What’s especially interesting though, is that the picture brings up the memory of Vector, the cruel school bully, and it is implied that this was around the time when Fleetfoot’s mother left her. Especially since Spitfire talks about feeling especially ‘big sisterly’ after something that Vector did, which given the context, seems likely to be some kind of really sickening bullying of Fleetfoot about losing her mother. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what actually caused Spitfire to break Vector’s leg, and possibly the reason why she did not get suspended as administrators felt it was appropriate and looked the other way, though that last bit is a stretch on my part.
Course, I could be completely of the mark. I'll find out in the future.
Now for some notes.
First of all, I'll post this again as you are still having a little trouble with it, but I did notice you capitalized the nicknames now so you are half way there.
If anything is unclear about this do let me know. I'll try to elaborate.
Double, I would suggest making the second one just "city", but in the first place it is a little redundant as we're basicly told twice that it's morning. ^^
It's probably better to remove one of the two sentences.
Capitalize "In"
Were*
Double, I'd suggest changing the second one to "it"
saw*
This may need a little rewording.
notice of*
Though this is a little awkwardly phrased, I think. Something like "Which did not escape Spitfire" might work?
were*
"Trixie, Captain?" *
Italics for these two.
in*
I'm assuming this is referring to the bartender in the first chapter. Pette*
Also, It's worth noting that I did not actually remember the name, and was confused initially. I suspect others may not either. So you could do something like:
"Aside from Pete, the bartender, no other pony—etc"
"the door, Spitfire," she said"
1, since Trixie is addressing Spitfire, there needs to be a comma.
2, since this dialogue has a said-tag it ends with a comma rather than a period.
You did correctly refrain from capitalizing "said" though so well done. ^^
This could benefit from some rephrasing.
saw*
Hey*
Looking forward to the next chapter. It better actually feature some of Trixie's side of the story this time though, or I will find you. It's not fair, keeping me in suspense like that!
5108146 OK. Let me start by saying, that dream wasn't the epic climactic clash between Fleetfoot and Trixie I promised. I always wanted to do a dream sequence, so I did one YEAH!
I feel it was necessary in it's own right to go into detail, but that's just me. Don't worry you'll get your mare on mare fight soon enough.
I do so enjoy these exchanges though, you help give me inspiration! Lastly here's a song I listen to while making my story, it helped make me want to write.
Secondly, you HATE dreams? Why bro? Why so salty and ragging?
Don't worry I'll put a dream sequence in each arc JUST FOR YOU... >.>
Next to address the exercising. Yes, I imagined Trixie as the on the road type. That being said, I feel it is necessary to make Trixie into a competent pony in terms of strength, does that make sense? She travels all across the land so she needs to be fit to travel, fight, or flee if needed. Also before I forget, I remember the nickname rule from before, it just hasn't reached me as habitual quite yet, but thanks for reminding me again!
Next, I'm glad you liked the sisterly bonding time. I hope others liked it as well. Now, as for Trixie she'll get her screen time next I promise. I also promise that I won't make you wait another chapter before I give you the "FVT Clash". Buut, you DID make me wait to find out what happens to Derpy and Dinky in Trixie's Forest Retreat, sooooooo....
Honestly, I had to have the comment response you gave and my response on different tabs because I laughed at your rage on my dream. I still am even now actually.
As for your detective hat time, I like that, everything will tie together. Well, not EVERYTHING but many things will. Actually I have a surprise for later chapters that I hope will blow some minds away. As for Trixie's fur, that's something that did happen as she was heading to Manehatten and will tie together later.
I feel kind of bad that I don't put as much response effort as you do to me. I 'll comment on every chapter to make up for this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvDem5oyHXc
5108719
I liked plenty of things about it, just not the length. 
Upon reflection, maybe I do hate dreams. It's twice now that somebody wrote a dream and I ragged on it for length. I can't possibly hate dreams though can I? I mean, I write dreams. On the other hand, maybe I hate myself!
Oh, come on. I tried really hard not to let my raging fury shine through too much.
Of course, I just want to make this perfectly clear: It's only my opinion. You are perfectly justified in disregarding it, especially if the dream scene was how you wanted it to be.
Nice to hear we are going to see the FVT is approaching. I'm especially interested in what you are going to do for Trixie's story. Poor Spitfire, at least she should have better luck preventing physical violence than in her dream this time, heh.
I can't wait to see how you are going to tie everything together, but I guess I will have to. Guessing at the big twist seems innapropriate, so I'll hold off.
What, is this payback? Dang, I hope this won't be an ongoing thing cause Dinky and Derpy aren't planned to show up for a lil while.
Finally, don't feel bad, it's not a contest or a trade.
If it helps you in anyway either through improving, inspiring, or motivating than I am more than happy already.
Not that I'm telling you not to comment, cause goodness knows nothing motivates me more than comments, which is part of why I love paying it forward.
Awesome song. I have tried on occasion to listen to something while writing, but it just ends up distracting me, it's really silly.
5109879 OK now I'm curious. I'd like to hear what you have to say about dream sequences in general. What do you like/dislike about them? And how would YOU use them, IF ever?
I use them as a foreshadowing tool, like I do when I DM Dungeons and Dragons, and always have a metaphorical representation behind them. Sometimes I use several metaphors, but they always foreshadow something in my works.
So, what do you think of them?
5112900
I was largely just being comical. I don't hate dreams.
That said, I spent a bit of time thinking on this question, and I think that ultimately it comes down to length.
Generally a dream has a message. It might be: foreshadowing, revealing something about the characters mental state, something they are preoccupied with, something subconcious, some aspect of their character, how they feel about something, etc, or any combination of those.
I feel as though once the message of a dream is delivered, the dream is just dragging on and should wrap up, or move on to the next message. If it lingers, it just keeps hammering on the same point. Even though the actual scenes taking place may be different, it is repetative because all that matters is the message, which is being repeated.
This is as good as I can express my feelings on this at the moment.
5077954
Can't forget Trixie's special move
XD
I was severely disappointed that that the dream didn't end with some sort of wrestling move.
Anyways, I like this story and can't wait to see where it will go.
5131531 I'm sorry you didn't like the No wrestling finisher.
Don't worry it gets better, IT"S GETTING BETTER DAMN YOU! -Vegeta
5129128 I'm TOTALLY using that one in the future! Trixie's secret technique Blazing Inferno Suitcase of Death!
5133927
haahahahhahaha yeah thats reallly cool you should do that i cant wait fory ou to do that ahahah
ohhh i think the little pup is going to be killed, otherwise i don´t know why he isn´t at her side anymore. Well i know there are more ways, but i don´t think she meet more of them does she?
5139862 I do have plans for him.
Hope you like what i have in store for the little guy.
as if she'd flown*
I'm not sure how I missed this the first time around.
My distaste for Snips&Snails is slightly lower now, after the suitcase letter.
As you know, I'm always trying to help, so don't take any of this as damning.
This chapter felt very different in quality and style from the rest of what you what you wrote so far. The first thing that puzzled me was that you usually tend to pick a character and use their PoV for a while, primarily Spitfire (this is called 3rd person limited), but this chapter you went with giving us access to the thoughts and intentions of all 3 of them (3rd person omniscient), which was jarring. When the story begins, you do swap back to just Trixie's PoV.
So, I have to admit, I was entering a kind of 'what?' state about half way into this. I'm just going to try to summarize the events thus far and hope it helps me. As far as I understand it, we start off with Trixie, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot together and beginning Trixie's story, so far so good really. Trixie is enjoyably full of herself. Though I have to wonder if she was really bluffing, since she apparently knew a very effective stun spell, that did good work against the timberwolves(who are supposed to be nearly immune to it) so presumably it would have worked great against the ursa minor. It does make me wonder why she didn't use that spell though, and used her party favors instead when faced with the ursa. Perhaps that will be explained later. Of course... one explanation could be that Trixie is making up the story about the timberwolves, or at least parts of it, to make herself look better.
Anyhow, we switch over to the past. I think it may be worth to use a [ hr ] for this to make a clear mark that the scene has changed.
Now, Trixie hears some ponies in trouble.
Trixie, you unfeeling monster.
By the way, I may have missed it, but it's never mentioned who this familiar voice belonged to, or why Trixie knew that pony.
Trixie finds what I think is Silver Spoon and her family, along with the Maud Pie and her family. Which strikes me as a very odd combination, but it might not be Silver Spoon. I'm also a bit confused as to why the Pie's are out here, and neglected to pay Pinkie Pie a visit at the time. It feels a bit like an excuse to get Maud an awesome cameo, not that I mind seeing Maud
. However, I kind of like the idea that this sets up a prior meeting between the rock farmers and Trixie, as she ends up there later on at some point in the show (though not necessarily in the universe this story takes place in.) After Maud uses rocksmash, it's super effective and they get ready to continue their journey while the timber wolf regenerates. However, Trixie realizes the wolf is regenerating, loads up a stunspell, 'spidermans' through the trees, and keeps the wolf stunned while the group ditches their wagon and runs away by hoof... This is the same group that just a second ago had Maud effortlessly wreck the whole pack, and they are running away from a slightly bigger wolf that is currently being stunned repeatedly, rather than say, smash it again, and learn from Trixie to make a fire to kill it? Also, they leave their wagon behind seemingly randomly, though that is somewhat explained later when we find out there is a timberwolf cub in there, but if they ditched the wagon because of the cub, wouldn't it have been quicker to throw the cub out of the wagon?
You mentioned that you rushed it a bit, or that we might feel like it was rushed, and I think I'd have to agree with you. When I look at the events themselves: Trixie stumbles upon a small band of travelers who are dealing with a timberwolf attack, presumably brought on by their decision to keep a timberwolf cub with them for an unknown reason. One of the travelers is a capable fighter, but not aware of the attributes of the creatures she's fighting, while Trixie knows them. Trixie joins in the fight, the timberwolf is driven off, and Trixie comes into possession of the timberwolf cub.
When I look at it in abstract, the overall sequence of events you thought up is good. The execution is lacking though, which might be attributable to rushing it a little. For example, given no indication that Maud is incapable of aiding Trixie. A paragraph that might show Maud tries to help, but doesn't have the strength to do the boulder thing twice in a row, could fix that. If it was just a random group of ponies, then you could get away with them leaving Trixie to her fate, but this is the Pie family, who we have reason to believe are upstanding ponies, so we need more.
I do understand that you needed them to act the way that they did in order to get Trixie caught at the inn with the timberwolf cub, but I think you could have done it differently. For example, Trixie and the Travelers join forces, Trixie informs them they need to make a fire while the timberwolf is stunned in order to scare it off. After they scare the timberwolf off, it is revealed that they have the cub, maybe they found it when it was hurt and tried to help it, and Trixie scolds them for being idiots, then plans to take the cub back to the part of the forest they found it in. Which happens to be on the other side of the inn, Trixie stays the night, but the cub is discovered and hell breaks loose when they beat the cub, making it howl and draw in the timberwolf pack. Resulting in the mother getting killed, and now Trixie can't just let the cub loose anymore since it has no home to return to.
I feel like we might have been well served to briefly have a scene where the timberwolf hunter and her lil sister are introduced before they become antagonists. Like just something simple such: Trixie comes in to rent a room and get a snack, meanwhile listening in the background to a conversation about the little sister telling an inn story of her big sister defending a caravan or something. Since they appear to be significant characters this would have been a chance for Trixie to learn their names.
Man it's late, I better wrap this up.
Okay so, you have a bit of an issue with writing out actions. I actually had to go back to previous chapters and check just to make sure you wrote this chapter, because I cringed a lot more frequently than I remember doing for your story. I figured out what my issue was though. Normally, you have a reasonably large amount of dialogue so the story isn't carried solely by the actions being taken, and I enjoy the dialogue you write between the characters more than enough to overlook the action bits. This is not something I usually comment on, because it is something that you will naturally get better at over time as you read and write more, but I felt that I couldn't in good conscience not mention it after a more action focused chapter.
Some notes:
First of all, you have a number of times where the speaker keeps changing within the same paragraph, especially when Trixie argues with the other ponies.
I think this can be removed.
prevent*
used*
A tad redundant, I'd recommend removing the first one.
1. spell* (though it does use her horn.)
2. a little jarring. This might be the result of you rushing it a bit, but I'd recommend actual descriptions.
as a*
locked
Keep up the good work, and take your time.
5142208 No you're right, the stun spell was more annoying to the timberwolf than anything, but I'll explain that later.
As for "Silver Spoon and her mother", I actually did leave that vague to keep people guessing, glad it worked. I would reread the earlier chapters cause I think you did miss the reference early on. Don't worry, This was ALL planned, but had horrible execution. Kind of like Aliens Colonial Marines.
It's an embarrassment, and I feel ashamed of myself.
And as I've said before there are many reasons why I had done this chapter the way I did, but I promise the next one will make up for it.
LOL 
AND good sir/ma'am, Trixie is no unfeeling monster, she is the most generous, selfless, caring, feeling, and nicest pony in all the land worthy of Princess hood!
I actually can't wait to get started on the next chapter, I feel better and motivated again after sending that 'letter'. I'm actually rereading my story word for word to make sure I get everything lined up so I don't screw it up. As for the dialogue, at least there wasn't a dream sequence!
The two OCs, yeah, I did just kind of threw them in didn't I? Well what's done is done I guess. I would rewrite the chapter, but I feel that's cheating. Cause after hearing someone say it as you did, it's hard to ignore just how poorly written the chapter was. I'll give it some thought.
5142398
Thank Luna we were spared another dream sequence.
Upon reflection, I believe I figured out who the voice belonged to now. I was thrown off a bit because I have no firm grasp on how ponies age, or what ages they even are. It seems like this is the same filly that Trixie helped in the playground. For whatever reason, I thought Trixie was a filly back then too, so I expected that filly to be a mare now. I was wrong about that though, since it states Trixie graduated magic school and she refered to a young filly, which was a few years ago. I guess it's an just a filly now ^.~
I look forward to seeing what you do with the next chapter, there's quite a lot of setup that needs paying off right now, and I'm sure it will be entertaining and/or hearthbreaking.
5143042 Don't worry I can explain this one. You see, in my story Trixie graduated CSFGU, and was going to celebrate at her favorite restaurant about two years prior. She was still in her late teens by then, and the filly was only 10 or so. Again that was roughly two years ago. I leave it open ended so there's no absolute dates, it makes it easier.
Yeah so this is all at the end of chapter one. But for my story Trixie graduated school in her late teens. Hope that clarifies it.
5144094
Excellent. ^^
Just my faulty memory screwing around before I actually checked.
5144157 It happens to the best of us, don't worry you're not alone. I often get Trixie stories mixed up because that's ALL I read for the most part. I use to get Yukito's stories mixed up all the time with one another. Most of them involve Trixie or Diamond Tiara, so I read all his Trixie fics, especially A TrixDash Love Story.
I want to be honest, at the moment i don´t need an evil being in every adoption or romance story, i think i had to many storys which went this way. On the other hoof, i start to like your organization, but i am not sure if i would like it if the new Enemy turned out to be "Queen Fire storm or something, i mean a new Alicorn. I say i am not sure, but maybe you make it good too.
Right now i think there is maybe a fight in the end with Trixie, Spitfire and maybe Fleetfoot Versus the new Enemy, and i think i would like it, i just hope Trixie is not the damsel in distress again, i would really like them to go together against them. I trust my first reaction and it was that i like the story how it is right now. Probably i just don´t like Villians in such storys, because the story usually end if the Enemy is beaten, but i hope they have their nice moments, maybe you can let the end be an open one? I mean i would like if you are still able to do a seuel if the story is really going to be as good as it looks now.
PS: You probably want a opinion to the voilent in the chapter, ....for me it was more than okay, i am fine with it.
It is really strange and normally i would hate it, but i am really okay with it. I have to be honest, i know what she is doing there more or less, but i would like to be sure. Has this insane mare just take one or both of his presoius jewels? And is he still a stallion or is this .....no you know what, i am pretty sure she take one of his balls and closed the wound painfully... right?
For a moment i wanted to be sorry for him, but i think it helps that he tried to save his sister. Right now i think he could not be helped in this moment, i think he has no choise probably. No one powerfull enough was near there, but i like to think with a little bit training, Trixie can learn to be stronger too. She can´t really be that week how she sometimes looks.
Still a favorite and you are able to make something good for me which i normally would not like.
Right now i notice that ironic headline
5172372 I'm gald you liked it. It was actually my first time. see what I did there?
And no he's a stallion he only lost one his jewels and his manhood is still intact minus one jewel. I actually have plans for this family of ponies and plan to make a side story. As long as I don't get raged at by people. Honestly I thought I went to far with the whole cleansing with fire, but that's what I wanted.As for alicorns, screw that idea. I'm not touching a new alicorn I promise. 
Still honestly thanks for staying so positive about my story. I'm actually happy for that. I agree villains appear to often at the end of stories of romance, but spoiler they're not villains in my story. I pinkie promise. I don't want to spoil anything so I'll leave this at that.
Have a ball.
ha I crack myself up sometimes.
Yeah...This felt completely unnecessary and honestly just came off kinda dumb. That's just my own thought. Just the idea of making an entire chapter for this. Sorry. It just felt really bleh. I feel like this part could have been either completely kept away or explained later.
I know I sound harsh and I apologize for that but that's just how I see this chapter. I love the rest of the story though.
5173041 Don't worry that's what constructive criticism is for. I know it wasn't important, but the ponies in the story will be important later. I was actually planning on making a side story for them specifically. But that'l come later if I feel like it.
I'm actually curious what you think of the rest of the story since you commented. You thoughts if that's OK?
5173556
I love new Trixie ships so that's a huge plus for you XD
I can't really say anything against the story so far aside from what I already said in my last chapter but that I'm excited for you to continue Trixie, Fleet and Spit Xd
Just when I was beginning to worry, suddenly you update.^^
I can see why it took a while, there's two of em, and one chapter is massive. xD
Trixie and Link playing is pretty cute. I hope nothing goes wrong. (Oh who am I kidding?)
I was going to make a joke about how this sounded so wrong, like there was some kind of incest as the prize, but then I read the next sentence and holy hay I was right! O.o
Suddenly the change to sex and adult rating is explained. xD
I learned a new word today, pretty cool. Also, they sure didn’t stay stealthy for any longer than strictly nessisary. xD
I notice that the story went from strictly Trixie’s PoV to including Ruby’s (and later also Blaze’s). Which, together with the ‘meanwhile inside the pie bar’ and ‘Links pov’ thing, is a little puzzling if this is the story Trixie is telling.
I’m sure Blaze will kiss it better. ~.^
Seriously though, Ouch. O.o
While we’re on the fight scene, why is Blaze completely blind now? Trixie only poked her in one eye, right?
Thus Link dies, or so Trixie thinks. It seems like in reality he was teleported by Ruby. His reward was getting stabbed in the dick, heh.
I wonder if the big unicorn is a horse from Sadle Arabia. That would explain the size difference, and since it’s probably a hot country, it may also explain the focus on fire magic.
Notes. I should mention I am currently at the start, and I'm kind of scared by the prospect of how much time this will take. xD
(Maybe we'll get Lucky and I won't have much to comment on.)
1. This can be it's own sentence.
2. "cared for, and protected him"
3. quite
acted like one*
how*
returned*
Either 'Journal' is a pony that was skipped during introduction, or it's Scribble by a different(possibly early draft) name?
If his full name is Journal Scribble, I'd suggest writing his full name at the introduction.
Based on the context here, I don't think this bit quite says what you meant it to.
I could be wrong, but it seems like "If I hadn't recognized her..." is more in line with the paragraph, as her being there was not actually enough to cause her to act since she ignored the other cries for help. She did not innitially think strangers were worth helping, but seems to recognize her mistake after speaking the strangers (now friends) she rescued in the heat of the moment, everypony is worth helping. She proceeds to vow to always help, as that is what decent ponies would do.
Course, I could have completely missunderstood. ^^
You're*
When used to adress a person directly, names and substitute names are always capitalized and flanked by comma's.
Said tags use a comma rather than period.
I thought about how to say this concisely for a bit, but I think this is most effecient:
"Now, Son, don't crowd her that's rude."
"Yes, Father, sorry, Miss Trixie," he said sadly.
Keep in mind this is true for every other time they address someone in this story too, but I can't point all of them out individually. ^^;
So, based on what I just said, it may be correct to capitalize and comma this bit... but it does feel a little wierd to see it capitalized, so maybe I'm wrong. Do whichever I guess. xD
1, Needs comma's on both sides.
2, Needs to be capitalized.
hold*
Continuity error?
friend*
placed*
nothing of it, *
friend's*
dealt*
Pette* Seem's his name was changed in this chapter repeatedly.
in*
an*
outside*
"Better hold that though, sis, I fond who we're looking for."
thought*
found*
or*
an*
pony's*
lunged*
Either that melted his scalp off, which I wouldn't put past Blaze Starfall at the moment, or one of these two sentences isn't right.
too*
It was a good idea to put an authors note at the start to warn of what the chapter involved.
I read it, but I won't be going through it with a fine comb. I don't have the stomach for this.
Looks like gryphons are involved too. Not sure how they fit into this yet.
5176440 The PoV thing I'll explain that first. It's was what all my Professors called readers analytic reading or something. Basically, when I write something the way I have as a flashback specifically, when changing perspectives from one character telling the story in his flashback, to another character, it's up to the reader to know the difference in the two and relate relative information based on the characters PoV.
I don't use it too often for this very reason. It really was just an error in judgment on my part to use that technique without proper implementation if it confused you. Sorry.
On another note, the 'continuity error' has been fixed Lyra only heard about the incident at Ponyville from a letter she got from Sweet Drops or Bon Bon as I'll call her. So, she wasn't there Bon Bon was. Good old Pette is a pony, and he owns Pette's Pie Bar. There we go no mistaking the name now, I was just being a dunderhead.
The helmet from a royal guard was not the same helmet the Ruby was wearing. Ruby's helmet looks like and Covenant Rangers helmet from Halo Reach. Two completely different ones.
Back to the fight scene I forgot to tell how Trixie dispelled her candlelight spells after she nutted Ruby. Being a guy I actually felt what I was writing too. O.o Poor Ruby. Don't worry Blaze made it all better. I actually have a story for these ponies as well as their relationships, and family that'll be explained later. Good guess on the Saddle Arabians though but spoilers iitdllthem! Well, not coasjhlly atagway.
But I wont say any more!
I'm actually surprised no one raged at me for the family bonding chapter. I was really expecting a lot of hate for that chapter. Huh. Well the more you know.
Actually while I'm on the subject of the Kindle Trinity, now they not be villains. They're classified as antagonists currently, but i hold the right to change that in the future. That being said they're the Team Rocket of my story, just not a bunch of idiotic morons.
Glad you liked it. Was it worth the wait?
I want my MAUD BUTTON!!!! MAUD IS BEST TRIXIE SHIPMATE!
See what I did there?
5176473 Why you hate my Family Bonding Time!?! It wasn't incest is wincest! It should have been.
It wasn't that bad.... Was it?
So, what do you think of the Starfall Clan Watson?
5177790
I never said I hated it.
Fine, fine. I will take another look at it tomorrow.
For the record, wincest is fine (though i am a terrible sexist, cause im kinda sad Ruby is a colt now
).
The more ballsy part of the chapter, i had little desire to read closely. Cause ouch. *cringe*
I skimmed through it to get the gist of what was going on, so i couldnt take nuts... Erm, I mean notes.
Edit:
Big Sis*
5178190 Yay! You make me a happy panda!
right. Gonna do my thoughts on this one before bed. It was neat. BUT.
Fleet seemed way to quick to accept the story and just as quick to go after Trixie. Those two together didn't make much sense.
Had Fleet NOT believed Trixie's story and then gotten mad at her it would have made more sense. Since she would have gotten angry about being lied to her face.
Works better as
5180048 I get what you mean really I do. The truth is Fleet didn't accept the story 100%. It was more like she knew from what she read in the paper, and that was it. I pegged her to be the emotional aggressive type that's quick to judge. Clearly I didn't do my job making this point clear, well a rewrite is in order! Thanks bro! Hopefully I can fix this quickly!
Dang, this was quick. xD
This sounds like Trixie is expecting her time with Spitfire to be short. Whether because she intends to leave, or because she expects Spitfire to be burned to a crisp, I'm not sure.
Well now. We get our fight with Trixie and Fleetfoot. I liked the part where Fleetfoot humilates Trixie by summing up facts. Sure it was a mean thing to do, but it was a good response to Trixie trying to claim she was better than her.
Let's answer a few questions:
Probably a lecture on Fleetfoot bullying Trixie. I suspect there will also be, some kind of talk about their past where Spitfire tries to get Fleetfoot to relate to Trixie through something in her history. Since Spitfire has mentioned she expected Fleetfoot 'of all ponies' to understand.
Yes. In fact, I bet she will be pretty pleased soon, due to a bundle. Though she probably will have Spitfire to answer to first, which won't be a happy conversation.
(Edit: If said bundle is indeed Link, that would corroborate Trixie's story too.)
It was Ruby. He did not actually kill Link, but hid him. This scene is Ruby bringing back Link, and the flash is Ruby finally getting his cutiemark, representing his relation to the flame family, and his big heart. Also, it looks like he can use his flame magic as a jetpack. o.O
(Alternatively, the cutie mark represents he's good at hurting love, since that follows the logic behind the burning timberwolf cutie mark. He's tortured Link to the point of near death, intending to have Trixie suffer, but I don't think that's it.)
Pette's Pie Bar. Obviously. xD
Notes:
it's*
1. will* (based on the context of the sentence.)
2. lets*
Is Trixie stumbling over her words? Or is there an issue here? It might need some punctuation to make that clear.
both her*
I will go along with using hoofs as hands for near any purpose, cause thats what the show does, but you can't start talking about clenched hoofs. xD
Suddenly, Applejack is narrating the story. ^.~
the*
the situation escalated mybe a bit to fast and i would think that Spitfire maybe could stop this sooner, actually i only thought it was enough as Trixie was nearly crying and attacked. Even if Trixie seems to be a bit too weak, if i remember it right she isn´t that healthy at the moment right?
I know she is not as strong as Twilight, but with everything i get to read i think she should be able to do as much as an average Unicorn could do.
Right now i think i can´t explain it good enough, but i like it. Well has Trixie attacked Fleetfoot with swords? And Fleetfoot attacken with furnishment? I have nothing against the violence, but i don´t see a reason for Trixie to be that crazy to attack with swords. It looks like they wanted to kill each other, but i think their brain switched off. For Fleetfoot well she was awful jealous.
To be honest am a Trixie fan, she is one of my favourite Ponys, but even if we haven´t seen that much about her magic yet, i don´t think that she is really weak, she maybe just don´t know that many spells and don´t train the right one.
If i didn´t said it already it is still good, maybe it is a bit to soon for the other side to get their appearance but i just wait and see for a moment.
I would like a nice moment between Spitfire and Trixie again, maybe with Spitfires friends or something like that and a nice evening follows.
Well befor the action is back
5180643 Nope they just wanted to cripple each other, it was actually a reference to the dream for Spitfire not as an actual thing. Of course they wouldn't attack with weapons to kill each other, hey hate each other but not that much.
I don't know if you remember but Fleetfoot and Trixie were always at each others throats since the beginning. This was just the last straw for Trixie piled with the insults Fleetfoot gave like in the episode Boast Buster with the mane six members.
Don't worry Trixie is better than the average unicorn, but we never said better than the average pegasus.
I'm glad you liked it though, I've been planning this for a while and I've gotten three completely different response from you, and two others. Lastly Trixie will be spending more time with Spitfire, but first the bonds must be rekindled.
5180591 Yay! My editor has not lost faith in me! He even taught me a new word corroborate! Nice!
Twilight approves.
It's funny I get three different responses from three people on this story, it's good and fun all at the same time! I'm glad you approve of the scuffle between Fleetfoot and Trixie, the others were less enthusiastic, but I thought it was clear that neither really liked each other. (I'm so sick other saying each other I always put them together.)
I felt it would be a nice touch, since we all know Trixie resounds best to insult. Applejack must have come and edit my story cause I ain't no country folk talkinin ma simple tongue!
AJ doesn't approve of me. Anyway I have big plans for next chapter! Hope this'll keep you hungry for more.
5181039 i maybe don´t remember every detail, because i read to fast again, but i think i simply forgot about that dream. After i read it again, well the last part i understood it a little bit better, i really forgot the dream and was probably suprised about the sudden fight. I think the last chapter made me thinking they were really trying to do somethin horrible.
Well for a bit i understand Fleetfoot too, i wasn´t really sure if it was the true what happend to Trixie but i chooes do believe it and it looks like it was true.
After a second thought i like the little fight too, i have to stop and answer with my first impression, or at least i should stop to right between reading. I am still glad that you don´t plan to make Trixie to weak, but after i read again there was no real need to think like that.
I don´t like it if it happens, but i think i have read to fast again and wasn´t able to get the important part right. Normally i know i have to read slow if i want to translate everything right in my head.
Thanks for the imput, know i got it.
I
5181336 Hey don't worry friend. I know English is a dumb language to the rest of the world. I have no problems helping out if I can. I'm glad you think Trixie doesn't need to be weak, Trust me she'll get better as time goes on. After all the saying goes, once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up. And Trixie will skyrocket! Not to alicorn status, but she'll improve.
I hate characters turning into alicorns. It's stupid deus ex machina.
Hope the next chapter doesn't take too long to make.