Trixie and Spitfire fall in love and life is always throwing curve-balls at them around each turn. Join them as they venture through life and all the unexpected turns it has to offer. Now an Arc series.
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5133927
haahahahhahaha yeah thats reallly cool you should do that i cant wait fory ou to do that ahahah
ohhh i think the little pup is going to be killed, otherwise i don´t know why he isn´t at her side anymore. Well i know there are more ways, but i don´t think she meet more of them does she?
5139862 I do have plans for him.
Hope you like what i have in store for the little guy.
My distaste for Snips&Snails is slightly lower now, after the suitcase letter.
As you know, I'm always trying to help, so don't take any of this as damning.
This chapter felt very different in quality and style from the rest of what you what you wrote so far. The first thing that puzzled me was that you usually tend to pick a character and use their PoV for a while, primarily Spitfire (this is called 3rd person limited), but this chapter you went with giving us access to the thoughts and intentions of all 3 of them (3rd person omniscient), which was jarring. When the story begins, you do swap back to just Trixie's PoV.
So, I have to admit, I was entering a kind of 'what?' state about half way into this. I'm just going to try to summarize the events thus far and hope it helps me. As far as I understand it, we start off with Trixie, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot together and beginning Trixie's story, so far so good really. Trixie is enjoyably full of herself. Though I have to wonder if she was really bluffing, since she apparently knew a very effective stun spell, that did good work against the timberwolves(who are supposed to be nearly immune to it) so presumably it would have worked great against the ursa minor. It does make me wonder why she didn't use that spell though, and used her party favors instead when faced with the ursa. Perhaps that will be explained later. Of course... one explanation could be that Trixie is making up the story about the timberwolves, or at least parts of it, to make herself look better.
Anyhow, we switch over to the past. I think it may be worth to use a [ hr ] for this to make a clear mark that the scene has changed.
Now, Trixie hears some ponies in trouble.
Trixie, you unfeeling monster.
By the way, I may have missed it, but it's never mentioned who this familiar voice belonged to, or why Trixie knew that pony.
Trixie finds what I think is Silver Spoon and her family, along with the Maud Pie and her family. Which strikes me as a very odd combination, but it might not be Silver Spoon. I'm also a bit confused as to why the Pie's are out here, and neglected to pay Pinkie Pie a visit at the time. It feels a bit like an excuse to get Maud an awesome cameo, not that I mind seeing Maud. However, I kind of like the idea that this sets up a prior meeting between the rock farmers and Trixie, as she ends up there later on at some point in the show (though not necessarily in the universe this story takes place in.) After Maud uses rocksmash, it's super effective and they get ready to continue their journey while the timber wolf regenerates. However, Trixie realizes the wolf is regenerating, loads up a stunspell, 'spidermans' through the trees, and keeps the wolf stunned while the group ditches their wagon and runs away by hoof... This is the same group that just a second ago had Maud effortlessly wreck the whole pack, and they are running away from a slightly bigger wolf that is currently being stunned repeatedly, rather than say, smash it again, and learn from Trixie to make a fire to kill it? Also, they leave their wagon behind seemingly randomly, though that is somewhat explained later when we find out there is a timberwolf cub in there, but if they ditched the wagon because of the cub, wouldn't it have been quicker to throw the cub out of the wagon?
You mentioned that you rushed it a bit, or that we might feel like it was rushed, and I think I'd have to agree with you. When I look at the events themselves: Trixie stumbles upon a small band of travelers who are dealing with a timberwolf attack, presumably brought on by their decision to keep a timberwolf cub with them for an unknown reason. One of the travelers is a capable fighter, but not aware of the attributes of the creatures she's fighting, while Trixie knows them. Trixie joins in the fight, the timberwolf is driven off, and Trixie comes into possession of the timberwolf cub.
When I look at it in abstract, the overall sequence of events you thought up is good. The execution is lacking though, which might be attributable to rushing it a little. For example, given no indication that Maud is incapable of aiding Trixie. A paragraph that might show Maud tries to help, but doesn't have the strength to do the boulder thing twice in a row, could fix that. If it was just a random group of ponies, then you could get away with them leaving Trixie to her fate, but this is the Pie family, who we have reason to believe are upstanding ponies, so we need more.
I do understand that you needed them to act the way that they did in order to get Trixie caught at the inn with the timberwolf cub, but I think you could have done it differently. For example, Trixie and the Travelers join forces, Trixie informs them they need to make a fire while the timberwolf is stunned in order to scare it off. After they scare the timberwolf off, it is revealed that they have the cub, maybe they found it when it was hurt and tried to help it, and Trixie scolds them for being idiots, then plans to take the cub back to the part of the forest they found it in. Which happens to be on the other side of the inn, Trixie stays the night, but the cub is discovered and hell breaks loose when they beat the cub, making it howl and draw in the timberwolf pack. Resulting in the mother getting killed, and now Trixie can't just let the cub loose anymore since it has no home to return to.
I feel like we might have been well served to briefly have a scene where the timberwolf hunter and her lil sister are introduced before they become antagonists. Like just something simple such: Trixie comes in to rent a room and get a snack, meanwhile listening in the background to a conversation about the little sister telling an inn story of her big sister defending a caravan or something. Since they appear to be significant characters this would have been a chance for Trixie to learn their names.
Man it's late, I better wrap this up.
Okay so, you have a bit of an issue with writing out actions. I actually had to go back to previous chapters and check just to make sure you wrote this chapter, because I cringed a lot more frequently than I remember doing for your story. I figured out what my issue was though. Normally, you have a reasonably large amount of dialogue so the story isn't carried solely by the actions being taken, and I enjoy the dialogue you write between the characters more than enough to overlook the action bits. This is not something I usually comment on, because it is something that you will naturally get better at over time as you read and write more, but I felt that I couldn't in good conscience not mention it after a more action focused chapter.
Some notes:
First of all, you have a number of times where the speaker keeps changing within the same paragraph, especially when Trixie argues with the other ponies.
I think this can be removed.
prevent*
used*
A tad redundant, I'd recommend removing the first one.
1. spell* (though it does use her horn.)
2. a little jarring. This might be the result of you rushing it a bit, but I'd recommend actual descriptions.
as a*
locked
Keep up the good work, and take your time.
5142208 No you're right, the stun spell was more annoying to the timberwolf than anything, but I'll explain that later.
As for "Silver Spoon and her mother", I actually did leave that vague to keep people guessing, glad it worked. I would reread the earlier chapters cause I think you did miss the reference early on. Don't worry, This was ALL planned, but had horrible execution. Kind of like Aliens Colonial Marines.
It's an embarrassment, and I feel ashamed of myself.
And as I've said before there are many reasons why I had done this chapter the way I did, but I promise the next one will make up for it.
AND good sir/ma'am, Trixie is no unfeeling monster, she is the most generous, selfless, caring, feeling, and nicest pony in all the land worthy of Princess hood! LOL
I actually can't wait to get started on the next chapter, I feel better and motivated again after sending that 'letter'. I'm actually rereading my story word for word to make sure I get everything lined up so I don't screw it up. As for the dialogue, at least there wasn't a dream sequence!
The two OCs, yeah, I did just kind of threw them in didn't I? Well what's done is done I guess. I would rewrite the chapter, but I feel that's cheating. Cause after hearing someone say it as you did, it's hard to ignore just how poorly written the chapter was. I'll give it some thought.
5142398
Thank Luna we were spared another dream sequence.
Upon reflection, I believe I figured out who the voice belonged to now. I was thrown off a bit because I have no firm grasp on how ponies age, or what ages they even are. It seems like this is the same filly that Trixie helped in the playground. For whatever reason, I thought Trixie was a filly back then too, so I expected that filly to be a mare now. I was wrong about that though, since it states Trixie graduated magic school and she refered to a young filly, which was a few years ago. I guess it's an just a filly now ^.~
I look forward to seeing what you do with the next chapter, there's quite a lot of setup that needs paying off right now, and I'm sure it will be entertaining and/or hearthbreaking.
5143042 Don't worry I can explain this one. You see, in my story Trixie graduated CSFGU, and was going to celebrate at her favorite restaurant about two years prior. She was still in her late teens by then, and the filly was only 10 or so. Again that was roughly two years ago. I leave it open ended so there's no absolute dates, it makes it easier.
Yeah so this is all at the end of chapter one. But for my story Trixie graduated school in her late teens. Hope that clarifies it.
5144094
Excellent. ^^
Just my faulty memory screwing around before I actually checked.
5144157 It happens to the best of us, don't worry you're not alone. I often get Trixie stories mixed up because that's ALL I read for the most part. I use to get Yukito's stories mixed up all the time with one another. Most of them involve Trixie or Diamond Tiara, so I read all his Trixie fics, especially A TrixDash Love Story.
Well! It looks like
Aww...they only burned them? They didn't fashion them into ocarinas, or masks?
On that note, was the song that the matriarch sang to Link this song, perhaps?