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On the Sliding Scale Of Idealism Vs. Cynicism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon page.)



Twilight's just received her official government escort license, which allows her to legally take on passengers during a teleport. Unfortunately, the fee was hideously expensive -- enough to completely wipe out all her spare bits. And there's a major purchase coming up which she refuses to put off. So what better way to raise the money than by giving her freshly-approved skill a workout? After all, it's winter, it's cold, ponies will get home all the faster, and since Twilight knows what 'escort' means, so will everypony else.

It's probably best not to bet on that last part.

(Part of the Triptych Continuum, which has its own TVTropes page and FIMFiction group -- but can be read as a stand-alone, and no knowledge of the other stories is required. New members and trope edits are welcome.)

Now with author Patreon page.

Cover art by EquesTRON.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 132 )

I cannot wait to read this when I get home.


I'm only partially in so far and already I'm cracking up like a hyena. :rainbowlaugh: Oh Twilight, what a mess you've created. And you don't even know it :trollestia:

Next week, Twilight decides to take up hoof painting and puts out a flier advertising hoof jobs for 10 bits each, 15 bits for both forehooves.

Holy Celestial I'm famous now.
Hide me?

It...would have made for a great episode if you could figure out a kid-friendly way of saying "escort".

Seriously. It's got all the right elements.

That clickbait title.

Added to read-later, natch.

Oh gods his was beautiful. :rainbowlaugh:

16,000 words? Well, to the read later stash! I must sleep! I shall return!

Hm. I'm not completely satisfied with this story. It was an obvious setup for a humor story, and yet the story seemed to vary between "funny" and "serious and kind of depressing"; the story was quite long and it felt like it was a bit disconnected with itself at times and didn't really quite know what it wanted to be. I liked some of the ideas it touched on but it never really stuck with any one thing long enough to really be what it was. Though the poster was hilarious.

A thought on the poster: you might want to put it in a quote box, to set it off from the rest of the text.

EDIT: Also, I have to say that I didn't buy Twilight's whole "first edition" thing; that actually felt a bit out of character for her.

A new Estee story...and I find it before 1 AM? I...I don't have to leave it in an open tab, taunting me all night? :raritystarry:

I like it. That poster is amazing. The story as a whole feels like an episode, other than the subject matter. And the stinger at the end was great.


If I were one of Twilight's friends and saw that sign, I might think that I'd wandered into the

Twilight Zone.

I'll see myself out.

Wait, how does Rainbow know what it-

Oh wait, Daring Do probably gets teleported all over the place as the need arises, and of course she ends up saving her arm-candy chauffeur from the villain of the book.


So does she get her first edition?

I enjoyed every post in the blog that set this story up. The tale itself has surpassed my (high) expectations. Congratulations.

Many thanks for the credit on my insignificant contribution.


Rainbow grew up in Cloudsdale, a major city. That's probably why she immediately thinks of transportation, not prostitution.

That was great :twilightsmile:
Twilight suddenly adopting a collector's ethos with regard to the book is a bit odd, but it wouldn't surprise me if, in the Triptych 'verse, there are major academic institutions where you will get worse grades for citing insufficiently prestigious copies even of the same sources, and that young Twilight hasn't quite shed the convention yet.
...There's probably some more potential in that idea, actually.

Found one typo:

He could clear a banquet hall in nine seconds flat, and that as an invited quest.

I assume that's supposed to be "guest".

Also: the last line of the poster made me guffaw heartily.

ETA: ...It occurs to me that, years later when Twilight is a princess, those last two surviving posters are going to be collector's items at best, and fodder for a Murdocks-sparked revolution at worst.

I am listening and nothing answers
I am shouting and nothing hears me
I am lost

So, that's what turns Applejack's stomach when she is brought through between. Interesting. Very appropriate, given how strong she seems to be in her ability to sense.

You continue to amaze me.

Ahahaha! :rainbowlaugh:

Twilight's escort poster was just pitch-perfect in its ambiguity. Entirely reasonable and inoffensive, if you know the meaning she means... and all too fitting and plausible if you don't.

I think it fits, actually. Twilight, especially in the early seasons, seems to have a problem with Impostor syndrome, constantly worried that she doesn't deserve the success she's had, that she's just faking it all, and any moment now her friends and Princess Celestia will realize it too, and then it's back to magic kindergarten, friendless, for her. So it's not surprising that she's focused on grabbing the first editions of the textbooks she needs, to prove herself and everyone else that she's a Serious Scholar Pony, and not an amateur who's just faking it. (See also 100% Move = 50% Fire, where this tendency comes to head.)

Okay, first of all, I like this story. There is one thing that doesn't make sense to me though and it's not really part of the storyline. It's the idea that escorts are kinda like psychiatrists, I don't disagree with this assessment exactly, except that psychiatrists are doctors but leaving that aside. I thought the point of using an escort as a date, or companion as Rachette did, was that no-one knew they were an escort. Because if everyone knows then they know you paid to have a companion and that kind of makes you look pathetic. Am I wrong about this? Cause if I'm right how could an escort be successfull in a small town like Ponyville? Okay, she could still be hired for sex but why not just be a prostitute?


Higher-class escorts are often used as symbols of status and wealth. The escortee is saying 'I can afford this'. It's not that they have to pay for companionship, it's that they can.

I absolutely loved this. A perfect balance between humour and "serious" slice of life and long enough for my tastes.

And then the next story starts with Rainbow Dash in Jail. :ajsmug:

4927395 Okay, I can see that working, but that would only happen if the more subtle kind of service existed first I think. What you describe is more of an evolution of the idea I think. I could be wrong though. Also remember Twilight was being inexpensive, so nobody would have seen her as a status symbol for another pony, just saying.


I was just talking about high-class escorts as an answer to your question. Kinda left the context of the story behind a bit. :twilightsheepish:

4927638 I see, it's cool.:twilightsmile: Stilll not sure an excort would really work in a small town though.


Well I'd think that having the princess's student on your arm would have a certain amount of prestige regardless of what she charges.

However, I sort of think it might be AJ's terminology being overly polite, she refers to the Ponyville prostitute as an Escort because it sounds better, maybe given the size of the town she (or he, it wasn't defined) wasn't quite as grand as she (or he) was described. Still it can be nice just to have someone to talk to or break the ice at social situations.

And we now have two new words for the Triptych-verse dictionary: severance and re-connection. I take it that that's not an issue if an earth pony just jumps?

Also, is it weird that I want to see more of Rachette?

Edit: I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that this is already in the Feature Box.

Oh wow, this was hilarious. And in-character too; I could totally see Twilight doing something like this :rainbowlaugh:

BAHAHAHAHAAAaaa... Poor Rainbow Dash.:rainbowlaugh:

This was fantastic. The fact that something like this actually could and probably has occurred only makes it that much more realistic.

Great job! :raritywink:

Twilight's reasoning for the 1st edition vs 2nd edition bothers me, since in regards to textbooks the second edition is revised and often has more information, sometimes making the first addition out-of-date.

Sorry, it's just having to spend boatloads of cash on textbooks for university really gives you an odd perspective. Would love to see Twilight trying to explain "escort" to Spike.

A major city you say? It seems to me that Rainbow should be confused and then wonder which kind of escort Twilight would be, because, you know. Big cities means there are a LOT of escorts.


I think where ever you go while teleporting is 'very' far away from the ground resulting in a greater disconnection then just being a few feet above the ground. Plus she seems to have caught him entirely by surprise which didn't help, I'd think jumping, or falling wouldn't be anyway near as bad.

Applejack might not have been to happy when Twilight used the cloud walking spell on her to go to Cloudsdale though.

I often wonder what the purpose of winter is in Equestria. In yours, it actually makes sense; with so much of the weather wild, it's easier to go along with the ambient temperature than try to fight thermodynamics for three months... except for Weather Bureau HQ. :ajbemused:

The geometric price scale for teleportation testing does seem rather self-defeating. Just have the tester sign a waiver that makes it clear that he or she is doing this willingly and absolves the testers of blame in the event of injury or death due to overexertion. Then let the bits of the overconfident roll in!
(Yeah, fully aware that there are quite a few issues with that idea.)

Twilight demonstrates that sometimes, she's not as rational as likes to think she is. I can't help but remember Fluttershy experiencing the opposite phenomenon in The Hypocrisy of Tolerance, shelling out for the very latest edition because of, at most, two updated paragraphs. Still, it's always a joy to see the growth of Twilight's stunted interpersonal skills.

That flier is a masterpiece of miscommunication. Very well done. :rainbowlaugh:

Caramel's disconnection was a very nice touch. It makes sense. I wonder how many other earth ponies had similarly distressing experiences...

I'm quite surprised at Mr. Waddle. I thought he was a stallion of the cloth!

Rachette is adorable. I'll be honest, if Twilight were ready for such, I'd ship it.

In all, a fantastic story over a surprisingly tricky homonym. Thank you for it. :twilightsmile:

The Twilight niavety plot has been done before but this is a very good one. :twilightsmile:

I'm only partway through, but I want to take the opportunity to mention that I love you and that you're one of my favorite authors on this site.

While this was just as funny as I hoped from the description and title, I think my favorite part was the interactions between Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight. The way they cared for her came across clearly and it was very sweet.

Still waiting for more "Orange is the New Blue..."

Sind #44 · Aug 31st, 2014 · · 1 ·

Eh. This story drags on a bit too much for my tastes; you have included a ton of lines that were in my opinion really not needed.
Also, you do sometimes have a slight case of "explaining the joke" in the narrative =/

Still, it does have some really nice scenes, and the blog post discussions were really fun so =p

Hey, it's a great story you've got there.

I'm curious about Ratchette, and I would like to know if you'de lend her to me for a small story.

I loved the dry elaborated styling of the humor in this. In fact, I scrawled a few jokes in the margin, metaphorically speaking. Twice I encountered a joke that seemed briefer than the others and wrote a few more sentences to expand on it. This is not a complaint. I found myself following in avid amusement.

I think it's an entirely different thing. Even flying is okay, because the Earth is down there all the time, and any pegasus who forgets that better be good at lithobraking. But when you teleport, the world just goes away... :pinkiesick:

4927764 Good points there, it would be rather prestigious to show up with Twilight. But I agree with your second point, it was probably just polite terminology.


That ending, that entire bloody fic was pure comedic gold! I loved reading every bit of it!

Most excellent.

Congratulations: this story is now on top of the mature feature box. You have beaten the clop :pinkiehappy:

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