Being brought out of prison is one thing. But to be brought out after 1000 years and to find your body has aged 10 years but your mind hasn't is a completely different thing.
Such a thing happened to a boy shrouded in a dark forgotten past who at just eight years old was trapped inside the Crystal Heart for a reason he doesn't remember.
Armed with a shard of the Crystal Heart in place of his own and an underaged mind will he be able to find out why he was brought back into reality, why he was trapped in the first place and what's changed about his body and the world around him.
Featured: 19/06/2014 (We did it guys :D )
Chapters (8)
11/10 Super intruigingly interesting! Can't wait for more.
More, please.
Intriguing.
Aw yeah, I don't like Cadence's or Twilight's reaction so it's time for some ass whoopin'.
You mess with the Crystal Heart and you get torn a new one, update soon! :D
No idea where this is going to go but I like it so far.
I don't quite get it?
Wow, that was pretty harsh
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nice story I'll be shore to stock it >:) ..... AAAHHH I HIT MY TOE ON THE TABLE what :| why am I STILL TYPEING??!!?!!?
My attention has been grabbed.
4568566 Initiate Operation Fire Pheonix Sargent Chapter 2 is a go
So...
The pony foster mother has a human name, that bugs me a little.
Second, who the hell is Jesse?
Third, even despite Chris's tears I'm surprised that Celestia didn't reveal Chrysalis immediately.
In fact, why hasn't any pony become wary of her, much less let her roam free?
Next, anyone else find it strange as to why Chrysalis was in Cadence's dungeon?
There are several grammar and spelling errors but that's always expected.
Other than just about everything I have listed, I find fine.
This story is rough, WAY rough, but it still looks interesting.
I await the next chapter.
Yes. Just like Celestia told you.
4569068 small mistake on my part, different story character, thanks for pulling it up even though I could've sworn I word checked for it. Also I'll try to provide more answers in upcoming chapters and not just leave random stuff out
Oooh! I like this! Good job sir! You've got my favorite.
Just a quick FYI: the possessive of the name Chris is simply Chris'. No additional "S" at the end
caught my attention, patiently waiting for more
Alright, I'm seeing a few problems so far.
Firstly, you constantly forget to add punctuation after dialogue.
Secondly, you make the wrong form of punctuation when you actually have it there.
Thirdly, you capitalize words for no apparent reason.
Fourthly, the emotions of the characters seemed a bit haphazard. Slightly rushed, and with no real transition.
The story has potential, though.
Great origanel story. Can't wait to see where this goes
Really, how is this a problem for ponies?
They're naked almost all the time.
4569696 there used to be humans in the crystal empire so there would be records that they usually wore clothing. So it would be awkward if the first human appeared half naked.
I do see your point however
well now....got a new story to look forward to now.
keep it up.
I'm going to keep my eye on this, it seem like it can go great.
I love it!!!!
Must..... Have...... More.......
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4569256
Actually, that's not entirely true. While you never put an S after the apostrophe with plural words (ponies' for example), you can do it either way with singular words that end in an S. So Chris' and Chris's are both correct, as long as the author is consistent.
As for the story, it's an interesting idea, but I'm really not enjoying it. The biggest problem is that most of the characters are acting like idiots for no clear reason. Chris can have a pass because of his age, but you have given no good reason for Cadance, the princess of love, to immediately attack him and toss him in jail. And then Chrysalis, when she had the opportunity to escape, just sat in the cell and waited for Chris to sleep. Speaking of Chrysalis, there is absolutely no way she could have been imprisoned in the Crystal empire for six months.
So I'm sorry, but this story is getting a definite downvote from me.
4569109
Awesome, if you can clear it up next chapter then things would be great. :)
And for some reason, it's starting to look like that Cadence is turning into a villain or something... I mean, she's starting do do a bit a mean stuff like during the Canterlot wedding and Chrysalis was impersonating her.
Just pointing it out, she has abnormal behavior.
Anyway, carry on.
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4570224 Chris's is the proper way of writing it according to British English. Chris' is correct in US English. From what he's written, he's going for a more US version. Granted, he's mixed up the rules here and there, but the majority is US.
Must wait for more, at least I have things to do while I wait for the next chapter of this, and good job, I like this very much, really can't wait for more
Fav and liked, but please, please, use full stops or comma's!
My only complaint is his treatment at the end. The Crystal Ponies seemed happy or at least interested, whereas Cadenza turned into a bitch, Twilight doesn't understand personal space and the guards need to be court martialed. I don't understand why Cadenza seemed angry nor why the guards tossed him in the cell. If these are things that will be explained latter then okay, but having alil more context right then would have been nice.
I believe this picture accurately describes my feelings towards this story
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Great introduction and development, cant wait to see what comes up next.
4570719
Are you sure about that? I've wondered if it's one of those British vs American things, but I've never seen any evidence for the idea or any source that confirms it.
But either way, I still say it's okay as long as it's consistent.
HOLY SWEET
CELESTIA
I LOVE THIS STORY!!! Plz continue this!
Alright! Critique time!
First off, Love how he can hear the voices of the Crystal Ponies. nice touch. At first I thought you were trying to simulate schizophrenia, but then I caught on.
Heh, I see what you did there... But it is actually spelled 'Somber' It is a rather common mistake due to literature in an earlier time using it. *Shakes fist at William*
Now to get into what I have a problem with this. The characterization is just.... OOC to me. Instead of curiosity, Twilight is practically being a minor antagonist, and don't get me started on Cadence! Like it was stated before, you made her out to be a total bitch. Kind, loving, sweet Cadence isn't here. Instead, I wonder if it isn't Chrysalis back again.
Your protagonist seems a little odd, like you already have in mind how he is going to turn out in the end, and then decided to just make him like that as soon as he appears.
I'm still debating if I should waste my time on the second chapter...
SunButt becoming a SunBro,why not
Great story,but I want moar.
They left him to die? Woah, now that's Cold.
4571181 I can see where he's coming from on why Cadance and and Twi were mad. If some creature that isn't even supposed to exist appeared and started making rude remarks about those you care for I don't think you would be just like "Okay, let's be friends!"
4571663 If they left him to die, why would he care if she was alive and caring?
4572146 “When his human family left him on the side of the road to die" HUMAN the form that Chrysalis took was of the pony that raised him as his adoptive mother.
4572384 okay, then here's another question. Why is there no Queen Chrysalis tag? She obviously is going to be a main character. Unless its just sombra in disguise, but that would be ridiculous.
Wait, that's all the chapters? NO, I want more, I nEeD mOrE!!! Hahahaha*crazy laugh*hahahaha
Alright, so I read this fic and now it's time for an honest opinion of what I saw. No offense meant to the author, but I may get a little heavy on some points. Take what I write as a grain of salt.
Wow, what can I say? The idea is actually unique. Something that is seldom seen on this site. I know that I've never read a premise like this before and I find it rather refreshing. Now, having said that. I think this fictions could use a lot of work. I'm not going to say that the grammar is horrible. Hell, i'm not really in a position to judge others on grammar. So i'm going to hit you with what I think is the biggest problem with this fanfic.
Consistency. Yes, consistency. Not to be confused with pacing. Consistency is based on the world you've created and also the universe the fic resides. Brother, you've got major consistency problems going on here. Allow me to get down and dirty with this one.
Largest flaw, Chrysalis. How and the hell did she get into the crystal dungeon?! You need to keep in mind that Chrysalis was annexed from Equestria after her attack on Canterlot. An attack I might add did not happen until the finale of season 2! The empire didn't come back to Equestria till the start of season 3 and it could be speculated that episode didn't happen for a few months. So how did she get to a place that was actually locked away by Sombra's dark powers? That is a very large plot hole and i'm interested in how you could possibly explain how it happened.
The second flaw I see in character consistency. While I know that many people have their own head canon of characters. There are just some versions that don't makes sense when you don't lead them to your personal head canon. Case in point, Celestia. I think is largely accepted that she is a motherly type and very calm and collected. Even in the worst of situations. What I find rather inconsistent is this particular reaction.
I know this may seem small to some reader, but to me this came off rather jarring. Taking in the whole scene, I couldn't help but feel this part was off. Why was she angry? Did she not like the fact a friend was locked in the dungeon? That Cadance was acting rather hostile towards him? We don't know, because you never tell us why.
I would’ve rather preferred a reaction like this. She hears the joke, looks shocked and then teleports to the dungeon. Something as simple as that reaction does two things. Shows the urgency of her actions, as well as how much she must care for this human. It’s also rather consistent to the general view of how Celestia is.
That’s not the only problem. The main character shows large issues in consistency as well. Now I know that is normal for a child, as they are always back and forth. What I don't like however is how his mind set can change from juvenile to an adult like aspect. He will constantly use words that no regular kid would know. Using a thesaurus is cool, but not when you use it on a kids speech pattern.
^ Also, this is called a horizon. I suggest you use them when breaking points in the story. Just use this code [*hr*] Without the *.
There are many other codes that come in handy as well. Such as Italics [*i*][/*i*] . Which I personally use to exaggerate words. "You've got to be kidding me."
Adding small things like that can allow a better reading flow, as well as help you add focus to a word without breaking the pattern.
So, yeah. Other than that I like what I see. I hope this can grow into something interesting, but don't push too hard to get chapters out. I felt this chapter was rather rushed.
4572990 thanks for the huge post man, I read everything just like I do with all posts but most of the time I don't reply because I do it on my phone. What you wrote is definately true in all aspects and I will admit that the second chapter was extremelly rushed because i'll be completely honest right now.
I got really excited that the story was being viewed in such a positive light and it made me feel like I needed to have another chapter out immediately.
Which resulted in a lot of problems as I'd expect the second chapter wasn't nearly as good as the first and left a lot out of the picture.
So I will not take what you wrote with a grain of salt, i'll take it with the whole damn shaker and use it to better the upcoming chapters