Rude Awakening
Crystal Chris's Heart
Slumbering.
Slumbering is something that has become somewhat of a second nature to myself, lying inside this cramp confined space with nothing other than my thoughts to keep me company; so naturally I’d find solace in my dreams. And finding myself left inside a dream was always something that pleased me to no end, to be anywhere but trapped inside this stupid crystal, unable to move, forced to hear the constant voices that swirl through my head like a whirlpool.
At the moment I was of course asleep and dreaming a rather pleasant dream about my life before being trapped inside my small confined prison. This dream however was abruptly ruined when my prison began to move around, waking me from my dream, also waking the voices that screamed in my head about betrayal and sadness.
Looking around my lightless prison I found nothing ajar compared to the previous time I’d woken, although by now the only way I could tell whether or not I was awake was if I was somewhere else. I gave up on trying to find a means of escape and closed my eyes; hoping to return to my dreams.
“The Heart, Where is the crystal-?” These words echoed through my tiny prison like thunder and shook me awake, I now knew I was awake and decided I needed to see what was going on with the ‘Heart’ this unknown voice had been talking about. As I tried to penetrate the darkness that covered my view I felt another bit of movement and began being tossed around; completely helpless and unable to save myself.
“Here it rolled over to me when you dropped it.”
‘IT’ I questioned myself and ran my hands down my body, nope I still had a body, so why were they referring to me as ‘IT.’
“Don’t Move” I heard the first voice command, it sounded feminine and rather intelligent.
I couldn’t help but laugh a little ‘Move? I’d given up on moving around after the first week of being in here.’
The voice spoke up again, “You can move, just not towards me” This sentence was followed by a brief sound of magic followed by a clunk against crystal, ‘Ouch, must’ve hurt.’
“How could I have been so foolish, I was just so eager to get it.” The same voice called out yet again, I was starting to think that the voices in my head had collaborated against me now and were simply messing with me in a new way. ‘Foolish? Ha, maybe next time don’t just grab the floating crystal when you see it’ I let the thought go through my head, in complete silence; the voices had gone.
Wait a second where are the constant voices about sadness and depression?’
“But then I saw what was going on outside and I.”
’WAIT A SECOND’ I shot the thought through my head, ’What’s going on outside, is something happening to the empire again? Is he back?’
The previous, almost forgotten voice chimed in again. “You have to get out of there Twilight, you have to be the one who brings the crystal heart to Princess Cadence, if you don’t then you’ll fail Celestia’s test.”
’Three new names that I’ll probably never hear again’ I thought as a sombre look fell across my blackened face.
“King Sombra is already attacking the empire, he could reach the crystal ponies at any moment. Reach Princess Cadence, my brother, my friends, there may not be enough time for me to find a way to escape.” The voice I pieced together as Twilight spoke, her tone becoming more and more depressed.
I opened my mouth to scream at her to not give up but found no sound escape my lips, although before I could try again I heard Twilight speak again “You have to be the one to bring the crystal heart to the fair.”
’That’s more like it’ I cheered from my crystal prison and awaited to be lifted into the air again, ’Time to kick some serious ass’ my happy thoughts were cut short when the unknown voice responded again.
“Me? But Twilight” Before I could tell him to grow a pair he was commanded by Twilight again.
“Go”
“But-“
“GOOOO” The voice of Twilight was immediately silenced by something I had no idea about. Then I was up and being thrown around like a ragdoll in my prison, the sounds of crystal’s growing around me was becoming threateningly close.
I felt myself stop and was beginning to wonder if my carrier had perished due to Sombra’s traps he had placed around the heart, if my hope of escape was really just that, Hope.
Then the voices returned and I felt them stronger than ever, the first one to come back was a female who screamed out “He’s back, I can’t take it.” This was followed by hundreds more, all flooding my mind in seconds.
Then we were moving again, but I couldn’t even comprehend where I was at the moment due to the immense screaming that was going through my head at the moment, “Hey we’re here.” The voice called out again, “We got the crystal heart.”
’Woah, careful buddy’ I managed to get one coherent thought through my head as I felt myself being swung around in circles while descending and then I felt the unknown figure holding me let go, then I felt nothing but weightlessness.
Then I didn’t feel myself falling anymore, incredible and indescribable warmth was spreading through my entire body; for the first time in possibly years I actually felt warm inside. I felt myself fly through the air while the voices faded away and I began to hear voices in reality, all exclaiming in amazement at whoever was carrying me.
“The Crystal Heart has Returned” I heard an unfamiliar voice echo through my prison, “Use the light and love within you to ensure that King Sombra does not,” and then it was back to weightlessness for a few seconds.
Until I felt myself snap into place, the voices in my head were non-existent and I heard an all too familiar voice call out, “No Stop.”
Light spread through my prison blinding me slightly, my body becoming visible for the first time in what felt like centuries, my body began to grow to its full size; the size of a fully grown human. I felt myself be propelled away from the prison which once held me and land on the hard crystal floor.
I heard Sombra’s voice echo in the distance, drowned out by the roar of the crowd for everyone but me “I will return.”
My body landed on the cold floor with a thud, cloaked in a long jacket that left most of my chest exposed, white drawstring pants were covering my lower region although my chest was completely bare. My skin was a ghostly white, due to being trapped in darkness for an unknown time, although a particular part of my body stuck out; my upper left chest. Right where my heart would be underneath my skin, although at this time my skin was a soft blue around that area, glowing softly against the crystal floor, the reason for having this glow was gone to me as my head swam, clouded and torn asunder; leaving my past a complete mystery.
But one thing was certain to me; the glow was somehow connected to my heart being made of the same crystal as the heart behind me, which had served as my prison/room for the past millennia I would wager. The reason why it was glowing was gone to me as the only thing I remember about it was it was made of crystal.
I was at this time unable to move as a roar engulfed my hearing, I guess that Sombra had been destroyed, although I knew he wasn’t completely gone; otherwise I wouldn’t have reappeared, although I didn’t know much about my past I knew this. Rolling onto my back I glanced up at the sky and noticed a magnificent rainbow was colouring it, like the northern lights.
“That brings warmth to my crystal heart” I spoke and found my voice sounded a lot deeper than I remembered it being, looking down at my body I found It was rather thin but also much taller and leaner than I remembered.
“I don’t think I’m eight years old anymore” I spoke and was startled by my new voice, “That will take some getting used to” I almost laughed, the shouting began to die out as I was laughing at my new body.
As my gaze dropped I noticed that the roaring of excitement had died down, now there were only a few murmurs followed by a group of slow hoof and footsteps. “It’s a Human” I heard one voice call out from the crowd and immediately the murmurs increased in volume.
“But they’ve been dead and gone since Sombra rose up a millennia ago” Another voice echoed through the crowd
I planted my hands onto the smooth crystal surface and tried to climb to my feet, this wasn’t an easy task; falling down more times than I could count, everypony eyeing me, almost daring me to make a wrong move.
I still found I was unable to stand after a few minutes so I dug deep into my soul and began to work some magic that I held within my body, although it was a tiny amount I was still able to conjure some small magic; so a staff would be hard but I could handle it.
I had a realization as I thought of this, I was able to take in the feelings of any creature around me and they would manifest inside me until I could form a tangible object for usage.
I held my hand to my heart and started to concentrate, drawing all my emotion out from my body and forming it into a tangible shape, shocked voices raged around me as the staff formed and helped me to my feet. One particular voice rang out with the sentence “It’s the Fabled Crystal hearted Human.”
Upon reaching my feet I felt myself being pushed back down by an invisible force, my head forced against the crystal and my staff disappearing and fusing back with my body, as a shadow loomed over my immobile figure.
“What are you doing here?” I heard a voice call from directly above me.
“I’m thinking the same thing” I voiced in comedic fashion.
“This isn’t a joke” The voice called out in annoyance.
“No because a joke is something a lot funnier, like why was Celestia’s flank red and sore… because she’s got a sun on her butt” I spoke and couldn’t help but giggle a little immaturely.
A hoof stamped down beside my face and was followed by another set of hooves that rushed over, the voice I recalled as Twilight spoke next “How could you make such obscene gestures about Princess Celestia” She complained.
“Because I’ve known her all my life, which is wayyyyyy longer than yours” I tried to move my head but was unable to and so I just lay there in silence.
“Well so have I” Twilight responded with smugness, “I’m her number one student.”
“Oh that’s cool” I responded sarcastically while rolling my eyes unenthusiastically.
“I know right” Twilight responded with happiness evident in her voice, the tension disappeared in the air for a moment before I was reminded of my place.
“Twilight hush… Listen whatever your name is” The first voice came back into my ears. “How do you know Princess Celestia and where did you come from.”
“Also how did you make that Staff appear” Twilight chimed in.
“Yeah, that too” Cadence added.
I managed to roll onto my back; the magic that was holding me had faltered for a second and allowed me to move before setting back into place. I set my young eyes on the two ponies that stood above me, each one holding a different expression.
One of the ponies was a light pink colour and had wings and a horn, obviously a princess unless Alicorn’s were born more frequently since I had been trapped. Her coat was light pink and her wings were tipped in a light purple hue and her hair consisted of three colours that blended effortlessly into each other; violet, rose and then pale gold, she seemed to hold a crystalline sheen that looked immaculate and just how I remember it to look.
The other Pony I figured out was just a Unicorn and had a light lavender coat; her mane was violet in colour and held a rose streak through it, she also held a crystalline sheen.
“Why don’t you just tell us everything” Cadence decided to add in since I had been quite silent since rolling onto my back, taking time to examine the two ponies.
“Well can you give me a bit of time?” I asked and was met with the Unicorn pony getting fidgety.
“Time is something I don’t have at the moment” The Unicorn spoke before looking behind herself and towards somepony or something I couldn’t see.
“Twilight you should leave them” The alicorn spoke without taking her eyes off of me, “I guess I can wait until you return before looking over him, since you seem so interested in him” It was now that I noticed the Unicorn had been examining every part of my body that was visible to her, thank Celestia I was wearing clothes.
“Really!” She seemed extremely excited about what the Alicorn had said, “I’ll be back immediately” She spoke before rushing off, her hooves fading into nothing as she left me behind.
“Now then” The alicorn spoke with an aggravated look, “What is your name? So I’ll know what to call you.”
I let a smile cover my face as I tried to remember what my own name was, “Ch-Chri-Chris… Yeah I’m pretty sure my name was Chris, but everyone just called me Crystal or CC”
“Well then Chris” The Alicorn started to speak, “Let’s get you somewhere more private and comforting” she held an indescribable look on her face; almost angry.
“Well that should be good” I let a smile cross my face as the magic surrounding me began to release its grasp and I was allowed to stand, with the help of two guards who for some reason stayed extremely close to me and held my arms very firmly.
“Take him away” The Alicorn spoke and received a curt, “Yes Princess” in response as I was carried off.
“I wonder where I’m being taken.” I thought out loud and couldn’t help but notice one of the guards snicker at me, my eight year old brain was unable to comprehend why he was laughing so I ignored it and became lost in my thoughts which for the first time were completely barren of the fear and hatred of Sombra that once plagued them.
New body, new voice, new people to become friends with and I’m being taken somewhere by the princesses’ orders. How could this day get any better.
We rounded a corner and started to descend some stairs until we reached a set of halls where no light other than torches and magic could penetrate, I was led down the hall until we stopped by a large cell with metal bars. The door was opened and I was tossed inside, scraping my knee on the hard floor and landing on my face with a thud.
“Stay here until the Princess comes to retrieve you and don’t even think of calling for help, nopony would hear you anyway” The guards spoke in unison while slamming the cell door shut and walking off with a laugh.
“I can deal with sitting in here while waiting” I spoke with haste, “But keeping silent is something I can’t do because I hurt myself” I began to sob at the end and just as I finished tears burst forth and I gripped my knee and face in pain.
“Why would you do this?” I wailed to the air as blood began to soak through my fingers, “weren’t you ever taught to treat others how you’d like to be treated?”
I stopped sobbing the moment the realization came to me “Treat me like this and I’ll treat you no better,” I let a devilish grin cross my face as the soft glow of my chest turned a slight shade of red and I began to focus the magic that manifested inside my body, closing my eyes and allowing my muscles to relax.
“I’ll treat you just like you treat me, just as Celestia told me” I opened my eyes which now were glowing red instead of their usual green.
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11/10 Super intruigingly interesting! Can't wait for more.
More, please.
Intriguing.
Aw yeah, I don't like Cadence's or Twilight's reaction so it's time for some ass whoopin'.
You mess with the Crystal Heart and you get torn a new one, update soon! :D
No idea where this is going to go but I like it so far.
I don't quite get it?
Wow, that was pretty harsh
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nice story I'll be shore to stock it >:) ..... AAAHHH I HIT MY TOE ON THE TABLE what :| why am I STILL TYPEING??!!?!!?
My attention has been grabbed.
4568566 Initiate Operation Fire Pheonix Sargent Chapter 2 is a go
Yes. Just like Celestia told you.
Alright, I'm seeing a few problems so far.
Firstly, you constantly forget to add punctuation after dialogue.
Secondly, you make the wrong form of punctuation when you actually have it there.
Thirdly, you capitalize words for no apparent reason.
Fourthly, the emotions of the characters seemed a bit haphazard. Slightly rushed, and with no real transition.
The story has potential, though.
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My only complaint is his treatment at the end. The Crystal Ponies seemed happy or at least interested, whereas Cadenza turned into a bitch, Twilight doesn't understand personal space and the guards need to be court martialed. I don't understand why Cadenza seemed angry nor why the guards tossed him in the cell. If these are things that will be explained latter then okay, but having alil more context right then would have been nice.
Alright! Critique time!
First off, Love how he can hear the voices of the Crystal Ponies. nice touch. At first I thought you were trying to simulate schizophrenia, but then I caught on.
Heh, I see what you did there... But it is actually spelled 'Somber' It is a rather common mistake due to literature in an earlier time using it. *Shakes fist at William*
Now to get into what I have a problem with this. The characterization is just.... OOC to me. Instead of curiosity, Twilight is practically being a minor antagonist, and don't get me started on Cadence! Like it was stated before, you made her out to be a total bitch. Kind, loving, sweet Cadence isn't here. Instead, I wonder if it isn't Chrysalis back again.
Your protagonist seems a little odd, like you already have in mind how he is going to turn out in the end, and then decided to just make him like that as soon as he appears.
I'm still debating if I should waste my time on the second chapter...
4571181 I can see where he's coming from on why Cadance and and Twi were mad. If some creature that isn't even supposed to exist appeared and started making rude remarks about those you care for I don't think you would be just like "Okay, let's be friends!"
You need to correct your errors man. I'd comment on something else but the errors in punctuation and such are a bit glaring.
I hate the reaction of Twilight and Cadence, inconsiderate, cold, hard bitches.
That was a quick mood swing there
The premise behind this story was beyond intriguing, but this first chapter was not executed well.
I can see more than a few problems with this story: the pacing poor, the character doesn't act very much like an 8 year old, the dialogue isn't too good and it's really hard to understand who's talking during the opening. I'm also a bit annoyed by the banter between him and Twilight.
Me gusta. Muy Bueno, amigo. Like where dis is going!
BUT, one question. Chris is an 8 year old, right? Or at least has the mind of one. The whole story seems like it was maturely said, like an adult or a young adult's point of view and knowledge of words, which is really great, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't that much of an expert at the English language when I was 8 years old. I mean, unless there is something behind why he talks like an adult, then it would make sense. I'm just saying, as a (bad) critique, shouldn't chris be a little more childish at the way he talks, story wise?
I … wow. I really don't understand how this could have made it to the featurebox. It's an incoherent mess. Have you tried checking with groups like Looking For Editors?
You can't just string together cool-sounding elements and call it a story. A good plot is driven by characters acting realistically based on having things they are attempting to accomplish (as Kurt Vonnegut once said, "Every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water"). Let me pick out a random example from near the end of the chapter here:
For all stars' love, why would Cadence lie? She's already got him in a suspension field, with guards around; she doesn't need his cooperation in any way. And lying only gets his hopes up for a few seconds because she immediately marches him off to a dungeon. So she's being gratuitously cruel — she gets no benefit at all out of talking about somewhere "comforting".
(Why did Cadence do that? What does she want?)
And all of your ponies seem to act like this. If you're operating under the assumption that Equestria is some sort of tyrant dystopia and every single one of the characters are jerkasses, at a minimum you need to tag this "Alternate Universe".
But I don't think that's what's going on here, because even your OCs act in completely bizarre ways:
I have never, ever seen someone, much less an eight year old child, realize that they were hurt and then sagely and calmly piece together a multi-part refutation of a logical statement which amounts to "I am going to refuse your order of silence because you just injured me badly enough to spill blood", followed by collapsing into incoherent sobs. What the hell, man. Is he hurt badly enough to freak out and start crying, or is he shrugging it off well enough to converse with the guards? You can't have it both ways.
(And why is he gripping his face in pain if it's his knee that's bleeding?)
JESUS CHRIST, YOUR NARRATOR HIMSELF SAYS HE'S EIGHT YEARS OLD.
Please, do yourself the favor of getting a good editor to rip your stories apart before you post them. Cool ideas deserve the best writing that you can throw at them, and that means not just taking the time to write, but also being willing to revise and throw out ideas that fall apart the instant you poke at them.
this is interessting, i just hope he is not suddenly reborn with the mind of an adult.
oh shit !!!!!
I never expected that a human was in the crystal heart all this time.