Letter from the Editor
The Glaring Gaffes of Gabby Gums
By FEATHERWEIGHT WESTWIND
In recent weeks, the Foal Free Press has expanded from the humble voice of a single school to one of the most eagerly read papers in the Canterlot metropolitan area. However, this incredible expansion did not come without a price. Under the iron hoof of former editor-in-chief Diamond Tiara, a reputable paper became a tabloid, and the crown jewel of its tawdry scandalmongering was the work of Gabby Gums. But the three fillies who shared that nom de plume would not have been able to inflict nearly as much damage to nearly as many fine ponies' reputations were it not for me.
My photographs "grace" almost all of the Gabby Gums articles. They were often taken without consent, knowledge, or even warning. Tiara told me to document everything, and Celestia help me, I did. My photos were even used to coerce the writers of the Gums columns to continue producing them after they realized the error of their ways. Only after they issued a public apology was Tiara knocked down to operating the actual presses and I, of all ponies, was put in her place.
I didn't have the courage of my former coworkers to perform the true duty of the journalist: To tell the truth. The truth is that I was Tiara's lapdog, and I know it. But now I am in a position to make amends, and I fully intend to do so.
In ancient Haygyptian mythology, the god Osiris weighed the hearts of deceased ponies against truth, symbolized by a feather. Only those souls whose hearts were not burdened with dishonesty were permitted to pass into the afterlife. With every seemingly incriminating photograph, I betrayed the feather of truth on my flank. It is my hope that by listing the corrections, clarifications, and retractions of the exaggerations and outright lies Gabby Gums wrote in the name of "juiciness," I can begin to atone for my part in their perpetration.
Apparatus Alarms Appleoosans: The Foal Free Press cannot confirm the presence of inventors Flim and Flam Flimflam in or near Appleoosa at the time this article was published, the existence or specifications of a prototype Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 9000, nor the feasibility of creating a localized time acceleration field to allow cider production at any time of year.
Applejack: Asleep on the Job: The picture of Ms. Apple was taken after a typical hard day's work. All comments attributed to family and coworkers regarding a subpar work ethic were inventions of the reporters.
Big Macintosh: What's He Hiding?: Mr. Apple has offered no comment on this article. At the reporters' suggestion, Twilight Sparkle was also asked for comment. Her only statement was, "It's complicated."
Blueblood Bawls! Crying Jag at Canterlot Shindig: A spokespony for the Assembled Bloodlines of Canterlot had this to say when asked for comment: "That [expletive deleted]? Pfft. [Expletive deleted] him. Every word those fillies wrote is as true as if it came from the mouth of Celestia herself. Bless every one of them."
Confectioner's Corny Cost Cutting: The Foal Free Press would like to thank Bonbon Dulcinea for offering numerous demonstrations that she has never substituted high fructose corn syrup for cane sugar in her products.
The Drama Queen Diaries: Despite numerous letters from Rarity Belle insisting that we state otherwise, this article was, in fact, transcribed from her private diary. While the Foal Free Press regrets and apologizes for this invasion of privacy, we cannot deny the truth of the story.
Hoofball Hero Denies Allegations: The National Hoofball League is not currently investigating Magnum "Captain Fantastic" Belle for use of magical performance enhancements during his years in the league.
An Inventory Expansion Long Overdue: Ballpoint Davenport, owner of Quills & Sofas, has confirmed that he has made no plans for adding spatulas to the store's signature line of writing and sitting utensils.
Local Lyricist's Looniest Lines: The purported "exposé of a massive Canterlot conspiracy" was actually a fantasy novel Lyra Heartstrings has been writing in her spare time. While the Foal Free Press cannot comment as to the ultimate existence of humans past or present, we can confirm that Ms. Heartstrings does not believe in them beyond their use as an intriguing antagonist for her story.
Mare Shier Than Her Vanities: It is true that Fluttershy Poseysfilly has received tail extensions in the past. However, a source close to her, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Foal Free Press that she did so after donating the majority of her tail to charity, not wanting to make a major production of the donation.
Massive Scandal Rocks Wonderbolts: While it is true that Carbo Load, personal trainer of the Wonderbolts, adjusted Soarin Markov's diet shortly before the publication of this article, it was no different from the changes made for each member of the team. Copious weight gain from excessive pie consumption was not a factor.
Motivational Minotaur Milks Manehattan: It is true that famed motivational speaker and labyrinth enthusiast Iron Will did not appear during the three hundredth anniversary of the founding of Manehattan. However, this was because he was not scheduled to appear. He certainly did not collect more than B200,000 in appearance fees.
While the Foal Free Press maintains that no racially charged language was intended in this article, we would still like to apologize to our bovine and semibovine readers for any offense taken from the use of the word "milk."
Rainbow Dash: Speed Demon or Super-Softie?: Shortly after the article's photograph was taken, Ms. Dash refused the hooficure, citing discomfort with another pony touching her hooves. A spokespony for the Luxuriant Lotus Spa confirmed that Ms. Dash has not made an appointment there in the past year.
Scootaloo Twister, one of the three writers under the Gabby Gums name, would like to personally apologize to Ms. Dash and wishes it to be known she had no hoof in this article.
A Royal Cakewalk: It is the regrettable duty of the Foal Free Press to confirm that Her Royal Highness the Princess Celestia did indeed eat forty cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
Secrets of The Great and Powerful Trixie Reconcealed: It is only speculated that Patricia Lulamoon, also known by her stage name, The Great and Powerful Trixie, personally transmuted the text of each copy of the article "Secrets of The Great and Powerful Trixie Revealed" into repeated instances of the sentence "Passersby were shocked by the copious amounts of pudding." Any proof of such presented in this article was invented by the reporters.
She Could Just Dye: The Foal Free Press would like to apologize to Mayor Marion Mare for the invasion of her privacy and thank her for her understanding of the coercive circumstances.
In a rare case of positive consequences for the work of Gabby Gums, Ponyville's stores have apparently agreed on an unofficial 50% discount on grey mane dye for Mayor Mare.
Shocking Confession! "I Married an Alien": This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Ditzy Doo-Hooves were inventions of the reporters. Neither Dr. John Hooves nor Sparkler Hooves is an extraequestrian life form, nor was Dinky Doo-Hooves synthesized through advanced magitechnology.
Tension Takes the Cakes to Brink of Divorce: This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Cup and Carrot Cake and Pinkamena Pie were inventions of the reporters. The sidebar on potential custody of Pumpkin and Pound Cake by legal analyst Truffle Shuffle, while moot, is technically accurate.
24/7/3.14: While the reporters insist that this story was heavily exaggerated, its subject, Pinkamena Pie, is equally insistent as to its veracity. Under the circumstances, the final judgement is left to the reader.
Twilight Sparkle: "I Was a Canterlot Snob": This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Spike Keyfahdon were inventions of the reporters. The article's photograph was taken immediately after asking Ms. Sparkle her opinion of legends of zebra curses.
Featherweight Westwind is editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press.
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Ah, my. That does seem like something Fluttershy would do....as well as a darned good episode......
>Soarin Markov
I see what you did there. Great story, mate.
While I enjoyed this I only have a glare towards the Markov pun. I don't mean to make a critical statement about it but I personally frowned on it. All in all I found it a great read and I will not reveal the location of the original manuscript of Lyra's thesis to Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns as her independent study final project. Ms. Heartstrings and [name withheld] are both determined to reveal the truth, I refuse to speak any further on the "human" subject.
Faaaaantastic!
T'was pretty cool.
Very nicely done! Grammatically flawless, very formally written and highly amusing all throughout.
Faved!
Hilarious!
"That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible." BWAAHAHAHAHA! That made me laugh quite a bit.
Pinkie insisting that a made up article is utterly true is both entirely like her and also proof that those events really did happen as she described. How this is possible is left to the imagination of the reader.
416142 You wouldn't expect the son of Duke Blucher Markov to deny his storied heritage, would you?
As for the Heartstrings/Withheld collaboration (really, like square brackets and decapitalization would throw me off the case,) Editor-in-Chief Westwind had this to say: "The Foal Free Press is now committed to striking a balance between reporting the truth and respecting personal privacy. However, if an alien species really was present in Equestria, the revelatory nature of the news would outweigh any and all privacy-based objections. Indeed, I would personally take up the camera again if needed to cover such a scoop." It should be noted that Mr. Westwind refused to comment on whether or not this actually was the case. Spokesponies for Their Royal Highnesses the Princesses Celestia and Luna and for the Search for Extra-Equestrian Intelligence had no comment on the matter.
–FOOTNOTE APOCRYPHA
I liked it. I did feel that the message of the episode was undercut by some of the plot holes, such as:
1. Why start making stuff up? If the point is that gossip is bad, like the stuff about the Mayor or reprinting Rarity's diary, why start fabricating stuff whole cloth, like the Cakes splitting up? It was a little confusing and I don't think it was needed. Gossip is bad enough regardless of its accuracy (which it seldom is to begin with)
2. And the appointment of Featherweight to editor was a little bit...off. But this story really makes it work and I love the mention of the heart and feather. It was really clever.
This was really funny, really cute, and really well done.
Bravo!
Very nice work. Nice touch with those extra stories.
Diamond Tiara's stint printing didn't last long, she got so angry when her classmates were laughing at her for geting her comupance she kicked over the press breaking it. After that Cheerilee gave her detention for the rest of the school year for damaging school property and conduct unbecomeing a good student.
416409 Actually I represent a long time friend of Lord Markov. Namely one Baron Vladimir Sengir, currently interred for crimes against many species. Mostly from making vampires out of them...
Should I begin to loose money by being removed as a loyal lawyer for my vampiric client, or be ousted from my office in Manehattan, then I will gladly provide you with the truth located in that manuscript. After all, I will have nothing to gain by keeping it secret, or my personal contributions.
Funny little story ;3
It is the regrettable duty of the Foal Free Press to confirm that Her Royal Highness the Princess Celestia did indeed eat forty cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
You can not start to understand how much I laughed at that.
Great stuff! Very cute titles and apologies.
Okay, this is officially awesome.
Awesome job!
I like how you made Featherweight so eloquent, when he had no lines at all in the episode.
I must describe Iron Will as a "labyrinth enthusiast" at some point in the future.
I like that Soarin has a Russian surname.
And yes, that is the entirety of what I feel is necessary to say about this.
No, that's not a bad thing.
Very cute stuff! I appreciate the attention to detail.
And it's imaginative, too!
Great fic. I added this to the "One Shots" and "I found it rather silly" folders in Twilights Library
I'm not familiar with Blueblood Bawls.
Is that like the drink?
Or perhaps closer to a case of Blue-b**ls?
2872166 Bawls, as in crying.
A "Lex Luthor stole forty cakes" reference immediately followed by a print-only Onion reference? Faved.
Fluttershy's last name was a nice touch as well.
Hello. I’m here with the Good Grammar Directory, which your story was submitted to. Your story almost qualifies.
This story is pretty grammatically sound. The only gripe I have with it is the formatting in the first four paragraphs. Paragraphs are separated either by indents or by vertical spaces (or by both, if the writer so chooses). Most of the paragraphs are separated by vertical spaces, which is good. However, the first four paragraphs are not separated this way.
If this was fixed, I’d approve this story. I understand that you may not want to change this, or you yourself may not have submitted your story to our group in the first place. However, if you do decide to change it, feel free to pm me, and I’ll probably approve it.
Otherwise, have a good day. :)
Edit: I see you've now changed the formatting. This story has now been approved and added to our folders.
I was actually somewhat surprised that Angel didn't forcibly remove the CMC from the premises in that episode.
So... many... references...
Soarin Markov...
You get so many geek points for that one.
5423882
Well, given that I've written a number of Friendship is Magic: the Gathering crossovers (including "Markov Distinction," where I make further use of this joke,) I'd be remiss if I didn't make that pun.
Faved for the Royal Cakewalk.
So many references, I think most of the comments have covered them. However:
Dang. Good job on explaining Featherweight's cutie mark. Did not see that one coming.
May steal it sometime.
6304314
You're welcome to it.
Cute one-shot, very cute. Not terribly heavy on the comedy, but then again, a fic this short could only have so many laughs. There were, however, a few that stood out to me and tickled my funny bone quite a bit.
Sometimes pony puns are painful, but this one both made an odd bit of sense and at the same time was just hilarious, the two qualities you want out of any pony pun. Well done.
This fic gets a favorite alone for that allusion to the Super Dictionary.
All in all, this fic was rather clever, and just a fun, quick read.
That's a lot of candy.
I was kind of cringing at the sheer amount of fandom references in this, not realizing just how old it is. :O And they weren't all unfunny, either! This holds up well. :D
Soarin Markov? Seriously?
Only you, FoME.
7975515
Son of Frau Blucher Markov (panicked whinnying) of Transylmaneia.
And this was my first non-crossover story on the site. I wanted a bit of a security blanket.
7975661 Understandable.
What's a crissover?
7975666
A crossover, as interpreted by hasty use of an iPhone keyboard with autocorrect turned off.
7975691 Hah.
So, I'm thinking of doing Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, but as ponies. Any ideas?
The one criticism I have, and it's really only a nitpick considering how old this is, is that every title did not have some form of alliteration
Well, at least Snips and Snails were happy with the sort of fame they got out of it. Hmm, wasn't it Sweetie Belle even who told Featherweight to take pictured of them when they were making asses of themselves?
Wait... was that a reference to Jenny from Doctor Who?
I wonder what could possibly be in those diaries that would be worth it's own news story.
I fail to see how 'milk' can be considered racist coming from a bunch of mammals.
As far as you know.