The Glaring Gaffes of Gabby Gums
By FEATHERWEIGHT WESTWIND
In recent weeks, the Foal Free Press has expanded from the humble voice of a single school to one of the most eagerly read papers in the Canterlot metropolitan area. However, this incredible expansion did not come without a price. Under the iron hoof of former editor-in-chief Diamond Tiara, a reputable paper became a tabloid, and the crown jewel of its tawdry scandalmongering was the work of Gabby Gums. But the three fillies who shared that nom de plume would not have been able to inflict nearly as much damage to nearly as many fine ponies' reputations were it not for me.
My photographs "grace" almost all of the Gabby Gums articles. They were often taken without consent, knowledge, or even warning. Tiara told me to document everything, and Celestia help me, I did. My photos were even used to coerce the writers of the Gums columns to continue producing them after they realized the error of their ways. Only after they issued a public apology was Tiara knocked down to operating the actual presses and I, of all ponies, was put in her place.
I didn't have the courage of my former coworkers to perform the true duty of the journalist: To tell the truth. The truth is that I was Tiara's lapdog, and I know it. But now I am in a position to make amends, and I fully intend to do so.
In ancient Haygyptian mythology, the god Osiris weighed the hearts of deceased ponies against truth, symbolized by a feather. Only those souls whose hearts were not burdened with dishonesty were permitted to pass into the afterlife. With every seemingly incriminating photograph, I betrayed the feather of truth on my flank. It is my hope that by listing the corrections, clarifications, and retractions of the exaggerations and outright lies Gabby Gums wrote in the name of "juiciness," I can begin to atone for my part in their perpetration.
Apparatus Alarms Appleoosans: The Foal Free Press cannot confirm the presence of inventors Flim and Flam Flimflam in or near Appleoosa at the time this article was published, the existence or specifications of a prototype Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 9000, nor the feasibility of creating a localized time acceleration field to allow cider production at any time of year.
Applejack: Asleep on the Job: The picture of Ms. Apple was taken after a typical hard day's work. All comments attributed to family and coworkers regarding a subpar work ethic were inventions of the reporters.
Big Macintosh: What's He Hiding?: Mr. Apple has offered no comment on this article. At the reporters' suggestion, Twilight Sparkle was also asked for comment. Her only statement was, "It's complicated."
Blueblood Bawls! Crying Jag at Canterlot Shindig: A spokespony for the Assembled Bloodlines of Canterlot had this to say when asked for comment: "That [expletive deleted]? Pfft. [Expletive deleted] him. Every word those fillies wrote is as true as if it came from the mouth of Celestia herself. Bless every one of them."
Confectioner's Corny Cost Cutting: The Foal Free Press would like to thank Bonbon Dulcinea for offering numerous demonstrations that she has never substituted high fructose corn syrup for cane sugar in her products.
The Drama Queen Diaries: Despite numerous letters from Rarity Belle insisting that we state otherwise, this article was, in fact, transcribed from her private diary. While the Foal Free Press regrets and apologizes for this invasion of privacy, we cannot deny the truth of the story.
Hoofball Hero Denies Allegations: The National Hoofball League is not currently investigating Magnum "Captain Fantastic" Belle for use of magical performance enhancements during his years in the league.
An Inventory Expansion Long Overdue: Ballpoint Davenport, owner of Quills & Sofas, has confirmed that he has made no plans for adding spatulas to the store's signature line of writing and sitting utensils.
Local Lyricist's Looniest Lines: The purported "exposé of a massive Canterlot conspiracy" was actually a fantasy novel Lyra Heartstrings has been writing in her spare time. While the Foal Free Press cannot comment as to the ultimate existence of humans past or present, we can confirm that Ms. Heartstrings does not believe in them beyond their use as an intriguing antagonist for her story.
Mare Shier Than Her Vanities: It is true that Fluttershy Poseysfilly has received tail extensions in the past. However, a source close to her, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Foal Free Press that she did so after donating the majority of her tail to charity, not wanting to make a major production of the donation.
Massive Scandal Rocks Wonderbolts: While it is true that Carbo Load, personal trainer of the Wonderbolts, adjusted Soarin Markov's diet shortly before the publication of this article, it was no different from the changes made for each member of the team. Copious weight gain from excessive pie consumption was not a factor.
Motivational Minotaur Milks Manehattan: It is true that famed motivational speaker and labyrinth enthusiast Iron Will did not appear during the three hundredth anniversary of the founding of Manehattan. However, this was because he was not scheduled to appear. He certainly did not collect more than B200,000 in appearance fees.
While the Foal Free Press maintains that no racially charged language was intended in this article, we would still like to apologize to our bovine and semibovine readers for any offense taken from the use of the word "milk."
Rainbow Dash: Speed Demon or Super-Softie?: Shortly after the article's photograph was taken, Ms. Dash refused the hooficure, citing discomfort with another pony touching her hooves. A spokespony for the Luxuriant Lotus Spa confirmed that Ms. Dash has not made an appointment there in the past year.
Scootaloo Twister, one of the three writers under the Gabby Gums name, would like to personally apologize to Ms. Dash and wishes it to be known she had no hoof in this article.
A Royal Cakewalk: It is the regrettable duty of the Foal Free Press to confirm that Her Royal Highness the Princess Celestia did indeed eat forty cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
Secrets of The Great and Powerful Trixie Reconcealed: It is only speculated that Patricia Lulamoon, also known by her stage name, The Great and Powerful Trixie, personally transmuted the text of each copy of the article "Secrets of The Great and Powerful Trixie Revealed" into repeated instances of the sentence "Passersby were shocked by the copious amounts of pudding." Any proof of such presented in this article was invented by the reporters.
She Could Just Dye: The Foal Free Press would like to apologize to Mayor Marion Mare for the invasion of her privacy and thank her for her understanding of the coercive circumstances.
In a rare case of positive consequences for the work of Gabby Gums, Ponyville's stores have apparently agreed on an unofficial 50% discount on grey mane dye for Mayor Mare.
Shocking Confession! "I Married an Alien": This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Ditzy Doo-Hooves were inventions of the reporters. Neither Dr. John Hooves nor Sparkler Hooves is an extraequestrian life form, nor was Dinky Doo-Hooves synthesized through advanced magitechnology.
Tension Takes the Cakes to Brink of Divorce: This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Cup and Carrot Cake and Pinkamena Pie were inventions of the reporters. The sidebar on potential custody of Pumpkin and Pound Cake by legal analyst Truffle Shuffle, while moot, is technically accurate.
24/7/3.14: While the reporters insist that this story was heavily exaggerated, its subject, Pinkamena Pie, is equally insistent as to its veracity. Under the circumstances, the final judgement is left to the reader.
Twilight Sparkle: "I Was a Canterlot Snob": This story was an outright fabrication. All statements attributed to Spike Keyfahdon were inventions of the reporters. The article's photograph was taken immediately after asking Ms. Sparkle her opinion of legends of zebra curses.
Featherweight Westwind is editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press.