• Member Since 9th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Sunday

Mooncalf


E

When Trixie finds a magic mane pin that will make everypony love and adore her, she decides to use it to get revenge on the residents of Ponyville, one group in particular. But there are some things about friendship that she never expected...

This story replaces "Magic Duel" chronologically.

Approved for The Goodfics Bin!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 64 )

Mooncalf old buddy old pal,
you wrote a story?
You know what this calls for!
*Pulls out a small box with a red button on the top*
Super muffin Engage!
*Presses the button.....nothing happens*
Wait for it......
*Suddenly a small shadow forms on the ground*
Hehehe
*As the small shadow starts to rapidly grow he looks up to the sky*
Behold The super muffin!
*Suddenly from out of the sky, a muffin the size of a large house crashes into the ground*

As I told you before I really like this story, I could see it as an actual episode of the series. The plots a little implausible but it fits with the series' tone.

The addition of the friendship report at the end is nice as is the vague Trixie / Twilight shipping.

Revengeance?

i.imgur.com/Nb8ks4N.png

Anyways, it was really sweet. Pinkie's dad being in on it explains pretty much everything.

A very clever premise. Rather than just straight-up tricking Trixie, they got her to recognize and admit her faults on her own. Joss Whedon has said that a more satisfying way to deal with a villain than killing them is to get them to realize how villainous their actions are. I also enjoyed the market scene, in which you not only compensated for every slick trick the merchant could have pulled (as opposed to just having Trixie get duped without ever suspecting a thing), but also had Trixie herself attempt to catch him on those tactics to show that she is a shrewd pony. And even then, she was not without a sufficient measure of her typical idiocy. There was a lot of subtle humor throughout that had me grinning several times and laughing out loud more than once.

At first I was on the fence over Ponyville's natural sense of community fooling Trixie or the merchant having sent a message to Twilight explaining the situation. I started to suspect the latter when I remembered that Applejack had planted herself on the road in, then specifically guided her to Twilight. Every clue afterward supported that conclusion.

It was all fun until Twilight implied that she lives alone. Mood went back up when Spike's absence from the party was explained, but it still felt as though he had just been shoehorned into that scene so you could pretend to avoid pro-pony favoritism while continuing to portray the “mane six” as a circle of friends he isn't part of. It's sad to think that the lead character's most supportive and familiar companion would have to be shoehorned anywhere. Those ponies would be hard to like if they allowed their demographic similarities or EoH status to decide who their closest friends should be. It was never mentioned why he wasn't at the picnic, either (he once joined his friends at the spa, of all places). I actually groaned in frustration when Trixie started to come clean; to me, it was just another bonding experience that he would be excluded from for no reason whatsoever.

Your synopsis is also a little flawed: Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie never said a thing against Trixie, and Spike was one of the spectators who did. Trixie would only desire revenge against four ponies and a dragon, not six ponies.

It was a fun, gratifying story, but it had my good mood going up and down like the thermometers around here, and it left me at a low point.

3402648 You're a silly pony. Thanks.

34027743402858 Thanks!

3402873 It's Pinkie Pie, what can you expect? Thanks!

3403885 Thank you for the in-depth analysis. I enjoy that.

Nice to see that you caught on that early. It's not a competition, of course, but it's fun to know how well people does.

Sorry to hear that you took offense at Spike's absence. I assume he's a favorite of yours? There's a reason why Spike wasn't at the party, and this is a spoiler for anyone reading the comments before reading the story: He was avoiding her. Because Spike doesn't, at least not initially, like Trixie. Same reason why Rainbow Dash doesn't get any mention until the end. She may have been at the party, but she did her best to not talk to Trixie.

Besides, the story is from Trixie's point of view, and filtered through her perceptions. This is why, for instance, nopony gets named until Trixie knows who they are. Things happening that she's not aware of or doesn't care about don't really get noted. And although she slowly warms up to the others, the pony she's most focused on (besides herself) is Twilight, which is why she gets so much spotlight.

I have no idea why you think Twilight implied that she lives alone or that Spike was excluded from the picnic.

Thanks for pointing out the error in the synopsis, it was a rushjob. Will fix.

Sorry to hear you didn't enjoy the ending.

3405567
Hey i take offence to that!
Err wait,
i am silly...
Never mind:pinkiehappy:

I had a feeling the pin was fake, but you worked this so well that I had to do a re-read to pick up on everyone's intentions. Good job---and that last line made me laugh. :)

3445870
Glad to hear you enjoyed my stories. And nice to see that you caught on to the subtle hints. I wanted the reveal to be surprising, while at the same time make sense. It seems I've struck a good balance.

This was... NEARLY... Flawless.

However you had Trixie 'saying' '...' several times in the story, when describing her silence would have been, in my opinion, the better choice.

In addition, while the overall character arc was great, I found the resolution to be a tad rushed.

But there is one totally unforgivable mistake in this story that needs to be rectified!

There is no sequel.:trixieshiftright:

Also, while I picked up on the fake/malfunctioning pin, I didn't suspect that the Mane Six were behind it all along.

3483159

However you had Trixie 'saying' '...' several times in the story, when describing her silence would have been, in my opinion, the better choice.

It's a bit of an affectation that not everyone agrees with. (Including EqD's prereaders, apparently.) Personally I'm rather fond of it as a kind of 'audible silence', the character wanting to say something but being unable to find the words. Might revise in the future, though.

In addition, while the overall character arc was great, I found the resolution to be a tad rushed.

How do you mean? Should I have developed more on the opening of the last scene instead of summarizing? I admit that they do drop a whole bunch of new info on her very quickly, but that was the point. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak.

But there is one totally unforgivable mistake in this story that needs to be rectified!

There is no sequel.:trixieshiftright:

Well, not right now. We'll see in the future. I have a few wild ideas, but nothing concrete or that fits as a continuation. Obviously Trixie is wise to her friends' cunning mind games now. Still, only the future will tell...

3483310 I may not have been especially clear.

By rushed, I mean that I'd have liked to see more of Trixie's thought process during the end.

Throughout the story we got alluring peaks into Trixie's psyche, and I suppose I felt like I couldn't connect as well to her thought process at the end.

3483329

That... is actually a good point. Looking through the scenes, her internal monologue is a bit spotty. Of course, towards the end it's probably mostly Wait wait wait what?

I'll see what I can do when/if I do a rewrite. I submitted it to EqD, and got back a very terse rejection letter with a bullet list of badly explained errors. We'll see if I find the time to do something about it.

Hiya, Moon! I really liked this story :twilightsmile: Though now I'm kicking myself because I can't make the same jokes anymore. :derpytongue2: Spot-on Pinkie there at the end by the way. xD

That was pretty great, and it's awesome that you used part of my backstory for Trixie so thanks :pinkiehappy:

3505862 I like the idea of Trixie having a checkered and adventurous past. And I wonder how overconfident her uncle must've been, using a name that marked him as an actual criminal? She's had to have picked it up somewhere...

Thanks for the fave! They're like chocolate for my ego.

I am sorry to say, I kind of figured it all out at the Applejack scene. I just had this feeling that this was going to turn out like this.

Doesn't change it from being a great fic though

oh at the confession I was playing this

I felt it nessecary

I enjoyed it. And really, since "Mare Do Well" it's hard to say the main characters wouldn't try to fix someone's personality problems with a hair brained scheme.

3702864 I wanted there to be hints of what was really going on, so the ending wouldn't feel like a complete cop-out. Of course, that meant that some readers would catch on early. I don't worry, though; as long as people enjoy the story, they can read it any way they like.

Good to know that the heartwarming friendship ending I was aiming for qualified for a heartwarming friendship song. :twilightsmile:


3726246 Hair brained schemes are the best schemes. Whether they fall apart completely, or somehow manage to succeed in some absurd fashion, they are always fun to watch.

I really like this story. The characterization was superb, the plot was clever and fit into the series' general feel, blah blah blah, general rambling about the Great and Powerful...ness of this story... Just a few things:

Does it make me a bad person if I pictured the curio shop owner's voice with the cliched, cheesy Asian stereotype? Does it make me worse if I found it amusing?:fluttershysad:

A big, thick cake, frosted look like Trixie's coat, with her cutie mark emblazoned on it... does that mean that everypony there was eating Trixie's big, fat fl-- :rainbowhuh::derpyderp2:NOOO!!!! BAD BRAIN!!!:flutterrage: What was I thinking?:facehoof:

He said it was a miracle you didn’t explode from all that anger and revengeance talk

Is this a not-so-hidden Metal Gear reference? I wouldn't know. Never played the games, though I do know there is a title called Metal Gear Revengeance, or... something like that... I know it stars a cyborg named Raiden and that is about it...

Also, how does one decide how to type what a raspberry sounds like??? I never understood...

3805741

Does it make me a bad person if I pictured the curio shop owner's voice with the cliched, cheesy Asian stereotype? Does it make me worse if I found it amusing?:fluttershysad:

Given that is presumably the same guy who sold the Alicorn Amulet in canon, I don't think so. As long as you don't think any lesser of him, I think we're all good.

Is this a not-so-hidden Metal Gear reference? I wouldn't know. Never played the games, though I do know there is a title called Metal Gear Revengeance, or... something like that... I know it stars a cyborg named Raiden and that is about it...

Just Pinkie being Pinkie. She was going for 'revenge', realized 'vengeance' sounded more dramatic, then managed to mix them together somehow.

Also, how does one decide how to type what a raspberry sounds like??? I never understood...

Just go with the feeling. Onomatopoeia is tricky.

I'm glad you liked it!

3949913 Woo-hoo! Thank you!

I see someone missed the upvote icon.:trixieshiftright:

Trixie idly wondered how magically mind controlling another pony into being her friend had somehow landed Trixie with unexpected favors to do. And why do I actually feel okay with it?

This is a key line. The answer is "Because Trixie isn't evil, what she really wants is to be loved, rather to harm others." Even though she's gaining friendship by evil means (mind control) she is responding to that friendship as if it were genuine, and this makes her feel obligated to return it. She also isn't using the advantage she's gained to inflict harm on the ponies of Ponyville, even though she could. At her core she's a decent and honorable Pony; she's just uncertain about her ability to win friends by honest means.

The irony, of course, is that she could always have won friends, simply by being friendlier herself. As you indicate by making it a Magic Crow Feather. :twilightsmile:

Incidentally, I think you capture Trixie's personality and "voice" perfectly. And I'm demanding when it comes to Trixies -- I think most writers either have her be too sweet (she's sour, at least on the outside, which is why she's so lonely) or mistake her for a true villain (she's not all that bad either, or she would have been much crueler under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet in the main series continuity). You also don't have her turn completely sweet at the end -- she's still recognizably Trixie, just Trixie in a happy mood.

I initially thought that the pin would affect Trixie herself instead of the ponies around her, but the way you actually handled it works better I guess; I enjoyed the read :twilightsmile:

4173509 That would have been a pretty interesting twist, certainly. Nice thinking. Glad you enjoyed it!

This was very nicely done. I suspected what was going on fairly early in the story, but it still played out very enjoyably.

4207248 Indeed. The hardest part in pulling a twist ending is that it has to make sense, so you have to provide some support to it, and people often catch on to that. It's a balance thing - not too much, not too little, and depending on how genre-savvy they are, some readers will figure it out ahead of the plot.

Glad to hear that you liked it!

I have added this story to my new recommendation group here.

4232962 Thank you! I'll be sure to check your group for interesting stories.

This was really good. Made me feel the feel.

"...fine. “But it"
Inappropriate quotation mark.

I would have liked this more than 'Magic Duel'. Have a like and a fav.:pinkiehappy:

I saw the twist coming, but I still enjoyed the story nonetheless.

5296495 Yeah, I believe that a plot twist needs to have some grounding and shouldn't just come out of nowhere, so there had to be hints the reader could pick up on. Also, thanks! Nice to know that the older stories still get some attention.

That I managed to see the twist coming partway through in no wise detracts from the excellence of this work. A tidy little production with a very nice ending.

That was fantastic and well played. I'll admit, I didn't fully see the twist coming. The fact that you had me actually laughing out loud just from reading is rather impressive, multiple times actually. :rainbowlaugh: Putting Trixie in a new light like that where she actually got tricked by herself is something I would like to see happen in the show. :trixieshiftright:
High compliments to you for such a good story!

An enjoyable little piece, twilight's plan was a bit far reaching but it still kinda works as all the characterizations were so solid and enjoyable. (that and you lampshaded it in the end heh). It's nice to see a straight up story of friendship without crowbaring sudden romance into it as it usually the case with Trixie stories. easily became one of my favs.

"Don't worry, miss... you will get what you deserve, I'm sure."

That's a horrible thing to say. :-(

4083562

Feels like WAY too elaborate a deception IMHO.

Now I imagine a nasty showing up in Ponyville during this, Trixie tries to use the pin to get them to be her friend too (since they never bothered to include any 'limits' to its description) and gets the Tartarus beaten out of her.

5629959 That's a horrible thing to wish on anyone. Besides, if anyone tried to beat up Trixie just because she tried to be their friend, they'd have the rest of the protagonists on them in a heartbeat.

5632397
I meant a nasty on the level of say Tirek.

Awesome, this is better than the actual episode. The Alicorn amulet should not have been allowed to exist. Fav'd, will probably follow if the next thing I read of yours is this good.

I friggin love this! Tied with Revisions for best Trixie story on the site, heck, best story on the site ^w^

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