• Member Since 10th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Tofazz


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Moxie gazed over the stallion in front of her, as the crowd stared at them in turn. Fellow nobles, dignitaries, and her parents had all gathered here, in the balmy mansion of her birth, to witness this occasion. The final words had been said, and they were now officially husband and wife. But she was not happy; this was not her wish.

She ran her hoof down the lock of blue hair entwined in her mane. Her whole life had been decided for her, everything coordinated to the tiniest detail. What she had learnt, how she spent her leisure, who she knew, whose company she enjoyed, whom she had pledged herself to, everything... except the one trip she had taken to Canterlot without the permission of her parents, that is. The glimmering blue strands linger as a testament to her last free action...

Featured on EqD: 13-11-2013

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 113 )

This is great! The scenery in the beginning is set up wonderfully, and the interpretation of Saddle Arabia is interesting.
Can't make an in depth review 'cause i skipped over the sex scenes (i just ate breakfeast i dont want to read about disgusting sweaty horse poons)
BUT BESIDES THAT TENOUTTATEN

:pinkiehappy: I liked the story; It was pretty good definitely in my favorites.

Reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet, except this romance is actually fleshed out.
Bravo good sir!

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Thank you all for enjoying my work. :twilightsmile:
Your comments are very much appreciated.

In my read later list immediately! :pinkiehappy:
Gosh, I have now 109 stories in said list :twilightoops: But this will be a top priority of course... when I'm done with summer exams. :ajsleepy:

Excellent.
Maybe Trixie was a bit too forward, but it's OK.

2841597 That's cute, try 150 :twilightoops:

Glad to see you finally got this story out, Kim.
Hmmmm....still see a lot of swallows, a few more and I would suspect a bird feeder somewhere.
Great job with the story line, nevertheless. You better do a part II! :pinkiecrazy:

-Root

Beautiful, absolutely stunning. The only bit of criticism I have is that "hoofs" isn't a word, it's hooves. Keep writing, you've earned a like and a fave.

2853311 I'm very happy you liked my story, and thank you very much for the feedback.

I really appreciate any criticism given, and your concern.

But I have triple checked the grammar on hoofs, and according to the book I'm using, hoofs is correct in plural.

See quote given from the Marion Field's grammar book 'Improve your Punctuation and Grammar'

"Unfortunately some words ending in 'f' keep it before adding an 's'.
Singular Plural
Hoof Hoofs
Proof Proofs

Although, I believe both hooves and hoofs are accepted use.

Cheers! :twilightsmile:

2853376 Okay, it's just that I've never seen that done intentionally.:twilightsheepish:

Wow... where do I even start? I'm so confused right now... but in a very good way.
The writing is pretty much flawless, the descriptions are always well done and never too long and I couldn't find any grammar issues (at first I thought hoofs was a mistake too but then your comment taught me something new) and I can always understand the characters' feelings very well.
Congratulations with the sex scenes, I really mean it. I'm not a clopper so the thought of pony porn makes me feel kind of uncomfortable, but here the sex is so soft and romantic that I never felt the need to skip any part.
And the story... sweet Celestia, it made me think so much and it gave me so many different emotions! I felt rage and sadness at how some societies still treat love as some kind of business and women as some kind of merchandise, I thought about how happy and sad at the same time it is that sometimes the only solution is finding the good in the bad life you have to surrender to... and I could go on and on about the content but I think I'd end up rambling!
Seriously, I'm trying so hard to find something to criticize but... I just can't! This is definitely one of your best works so far, it definitely needs to go into my favorites! :raritywink:

2871526 Oh, such praise! :twilightsheepish:
I'm very happy that you enjoyed it.
I'm happy with how it turned out.

I can also happily announce that the sequel is in the works.

2871624 Really? That's good, I'll be happy to see what happens next :raritystarry:

Added to Twilight's Library.

Now this was a great read. It reminded me of what some women truly go through in the middle east. I don't know if the marriages are still arranged amongst the rich and powerful still, but this story really put forth what someone might feel if they found out they were going to marry someone preselected for them. I would say Moxie was lucky she ended up marrying someone she knew and liked as a kid. It was good in the end that Athaal's anger was from a misunderstanding from lack of cummunication and that it was solved when the two had some time alone together to straighten things out. I enjoyed this story very much. Hopefully some more good stories to come. Did you really come up with all that just from looking at the picture?

2894737 glad you enjoyed my work.

The picture was made for this story.
The one whom created that picture had insight to the story from beginning to end.
As she will with the follow up as well.

Cheers.

Normally, I don't read stories like this. But a good friend of mine reccombended it...and it was certainly worth my time.
Thanks for writing it.

3002614 Thanks for enjoying my work. :twilightsmile:

And thanks for taking the time to leave a comment, I appreciate it.

3010437
You're welcome, ABronyFromItaly certainly knows his stuff.

GUESS WHO HAS A NEGATIVE VOTE NOW?

YOU DO! HA! NEEEERRRRD

3076299
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/0/01/RD_disappointed_S3E07.png
Do me a favor some time in the future, Kopheay.
Grow up. :ajbemused:

3076325

Nah, I've seen the people who do. It looks boring.

I was raised by parents who act like 18 year olds, so that might be part of this whole thing.

Wow. That was... Wow. Great job, seriously!

3164321 Thank you, glad you enjoyed my work. :twilightsmile:

Cheers!

This needs more views! It is beautiful!

I can't believe I held off on reading this for so long. I don't even know what I was thinking.

First off, let me say that you really portray Moxie and Athaal extremely well. Though I only saw their wedding night, I could definitely tell how much they cared for each other. Granted, her father was kind of a dick, but that was just what I picked up.

There were a few minor things that may have bothered me, but none of them were severe enough to detract from the overall story.

So let me be one of the many people to compliment you on a job well done, you magnificent author, you.
-SoI

3193227 Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

Also, feel free to point out those things that rubbed you the wrong way.
I would love to know what it is so I may improve upon it.

Cheers!

What an excellent read. Surprisingly deep and mature for what you would expect out of a My Little Pony fanfiction. Great work.

3299433 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed my work.

And thank you kindly for the favorite, much appreciated. :twilightsmile:

Cheers!

I heard from Hathound that you might be making a sequel to this story. Possible confirmation? :duck:

3340643 I'm happy to confirm that the sequel is in the works.

I don't have a release date for it, so don't get too excited too early.
I'm hoping to have something to release around Christmas time.

Cheers! :twilightsmile:

3340657

This was surprisingly good, I look forward to the sequel.

I very rarely read anything with an OC in it, but this was very well done, and you characterisation of Trixie was probably my favorite of all time. :trixieshiftright:

You have earned a follower for your good grammar and your great story telling ability.

3433316 Thank you for the fave and watch, I'm very grateful.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :twilightsmile:

What a very well written story that was! You should definitely continue to keep writing many more stories in the future.

3076299
That is a jerk move man.

That was amazing. I absolutely loved it.
I have lived in a place called Qatar, (which is an Arabic country) and this definitely depicted the feel of Arabic culture.
Thank you so much for this wonderful fanfic, instant fav.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many fanfics involving these strange little magical technicolored equines can run their readers through virtually the entire gamut of emotions. Seriously that story was awesome and you should feel awesome.

This. This right here is why I love this damn site.

I'm taking action. This has been approved for Twilight's Library.

Just... Damn, man.

Well done. VERY well done.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Ok... SO someone already added this to the Library.

In that case I'll just leave this here:

i14.photobucket.com/albums/a331/brittmcgee/MLP%20Minecraft/TLSOA_zps2aa17c49.png

Mind you, don't put it in the description, there's a rule about not doing that on the site.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Is anyone else at least a little creeped out by how predatory Trixie seems here?

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I thought the same thing. Although she states that she'll respect Moxie's no, her actions do not back it up. Still, this is a story of a forced marriage for a mare who was never taught to refuse the will of others, so if this was rape, it only adds to the tragedy of Moxie's life when being forced into bed by a pushy Canterlot unicorn is the most defiant, consensual act in her life.

I was all prepared to be angry with this story for being just another story about escaping the practice of arranged marraiges. I'm glad that I can throw that away.

Awesome job.:twilightsmile:

Disapointing. :fluttershysad:

This was great, it really was. I really enjoyed how you explored a wide spectrum of emotions and changed my perspective on those around Moxie as the story continued. If I had one complaint it would be how forward Trixie was, I thought there could have been a bit more build up there. Apart from that, I really enjoyed it, and I look forward to seeing more from you. :twilightsmile:

Very well written, and an interesting insight into several sides of planned marriages. :twilightsmile:

Wow, just wow. I am impressed, you really did a number on me with this story. Normally it's very hard for a reader to feel sympathy towards a totally new character in such a short story, but you were able to pull it off. I got to say that this is really good.

Now for the full review:

First as usual we have the style and writing. The style you used in this was fairly appropriate, but it could have been done a bit better. You could have balanced out the physical descriptions with the emotional ones better, as you concentrated more on the physical and some more of the emotional would have been desired. The flow of the story was pretty average and that there isn't really a lot to say about it. Only that it didn't slow down or speed up as much as I would've liked or found appropriate. While the pacing was good it was clashing with the flow a bit, which made it a bit uncomfortable to read continuously, for me anyway.

Now I can go into more depth into what I thought about your characters. And let's start with Moxie. Moxie is a wonderfully made OC, her reactions and her feelings towards her people's traditions and marriage were very appropriate. Any mare put into that position would react similarly. Her resentment to her parents for arranging the marriage, her distaste and fear towards the groom by the way he was treating her and not understanding what had happened to her foalhood friend and why he was acting that way when they got engaged, how she was angry towards the wedding guests with their selfish reasons for showing up. During the times she mused of the time she went to Canterlot I liked the excitement and culture-shock she felt, it was properly done. Her meeting with Trixie and the reason as to why she was unable to resist our lovely azure mare's advances. Next we have Trixie. Now, I wasn't surprised at the way Trixie was characterized in fact I expected it. WIth her personality it wouldn't be surprising that she'd ignore social norms for what she wants. Apart from that, there isn't much else to say. As for Moxie's mother, I feel that her scene could have been handled better and that it would've been deeper if it had a bit more buildup. For the groom, I find that he was pretty interesting. The way he acted towards Moxie that came from thinking that she slept with a common stallion ruffian from a foreign country and that's why he was so rough with her, along with the anger and resentment towards himself, thinking that she would choose somepony that she met overnight over him, someone that she knew for years, that he wasn't enough for her. His inexperience, upbringing, and culture explained his actions very well when he confessed how he truly felt near the end. I found that sweet in a way.

I was intrigued by the way you depicted the Saddle Arabian culture and how it's different from Equestria. The reason why they don't have cutie marks and how living in the desert instead of the lush fertile lands of Equestria. The way the nobles and working class treated each other and one another was also interesting. I liked the way the wedding was handled, the words of binding and the entire ceremony was quite creative. Their culture is quite interesting and I would love to see if you can make a story revealing more of it. It would make a great adventure/political drama for Twilight. I'm sure that it will be very creative and interesting.

So overall I liked this fic. It's not perfect, but it's good it its own unique way. Again, I hope to see more of this type of interpretation of the culture within Saddle Arabia because this is very original and creative. Good Job!:twilightsmile:

3510689 Huh, a review, didn't expect that; always nice to get one though.
While I feel that a few of those points are based on opinion, I have no problems seeing the other points.

One can never stop improving in terms of writing, and it's good that things like flow and pacing is pointed out.
It only means that I have to scrutinize more on the sequel.

Glad you enjoyed my story, and thank you for the review.

Cheers! :yay:

3514746

Hehe. You're welcome. :twilightsmile:

Yes quite a few are opinionated, and I was being completely honest with you. And yes I too love getting in-depth reviews like that so I try my best to give them in turn to help other writers improve.

And there's a Sequel!?:pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:

3514784 Oh yes, a much bigger project as well.
It will not be released before it is 100% done, so it's still a while till anything of it comes, but it will come, and I hope people will like it as much as this one. :twilightsmile:

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