• Member Since 10th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

Tofazz


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Today, Sweet Apple Acres will be visited by somepony special. They haven't been there for a while, and they're sure to make a big impact when the time comes.

A/N: Thanks to Arbarano (again) for getting rid of those grammar errors, and for helping me with the dialect of the apple family.
And http://sanora.deviantart.com/ for allowing me to use his picture.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 34 )

wow. well, that was.....dark.:rainbowhuh:
But a mighty good story! :pinkiehappy:
You, my friend, have officially earned a mustache. :moustache:

great story, i could really see this in the featured :yay:

'Sad' was an understatement, that should have had a 'tragedy' tag...
I didn't want to read something this depressing...

The tone is slightly rushed in some places, but ultimately achieves its desired effect. The perspective switch was a good addition, great work.

This story is great in the sense that it achieves the effect, its something that a lot of us can relate to. It's sad but it has a lot of meaning behind it. I vote for this to be in the featured.

mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7625-manlytears.png

.......No dislikes?.......*dislikes*, HAS ONE NOW!!! :trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

1197587 Thank you kindly for the mustache, it will go great with my beard.
1197716 Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:
1197721 Opps... sorry... :twilightblush:
1198167 Thank you kindly, glad you enjoyed it, even with the small flavs. :rainbowkiss:
1198435 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed my little story. :twilightsmile:
1198562 Eh...? is that good or bad?
1198613 Allright, if thats what you want. :applejackunsure:

*'CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.*

:fluttercry:
:raritycry:

:applecry: This made me shed a few tears and (much to his displeasure) tightly hug my dog after reading it next to him.

:pinkiesad2: 10/10

You had a wonderful story, I just had a couple of little grammar suggestions. Take them as you will
When Big Mac was talking to himself about Applebloom "Forgive her today, maybe?” and "A job for Applebloom?" why did you end those thoughts in question marks. It looks like your missing a word or two in these phrases, they just read akwardly. Hobbled is something you do when your injured. Hobbled -To walk or move along haltingly or with difficulty; limp". You might want to choose a different synonym for walking.
These little hang-ups didn't take anything from a wonderful story. I truly enjoyed it
Thank you dear, a few changes in word choice and this would be perfect :raritywink:

I noticed this put in Struggling Authors, and so I decided to see if I could give you any tips. Take these with a grain of salt; I myself am not very good at writing, but I'll try to help as best as I can.

First off, let's start with your grammar, which isn't really a big deal. Your grammar, for the most part, is solid. You used the correct you're/your throughout, and you used the correct its. Very well done.

I must point out where you did mess up, though. Twice you should've capitalized the word "apple" since it was referring to the family name. Here are those cases:

Faint thumping noises echoed over the apple family orchard; the sun had barely risen, bathing only small part of the farm in sunlight.

A shadow casted itself behind the house; at the peak of the shadow stood the apple family.

That was the only thing that really caught my eye. There are other mistakes in there, but nothing consistent, I think.

Prose-wise: as Raydner has already said, this story does suffer a bit from pacing issues. You used the four-star (or whatever these * are) and three-wavy-line (or whatever these ~ are called) to switch from family member to family member, but then you have places where the scene changes completely and there needed to be an indication of that. Here are the two places I can remember that happening:

She watched it sit there for a while, inspecting its own foot, before it jumped back into the grass. Smiling, she chuckled to herself. “Wait ‘til I tell Applejack ‘bout this.”

She felt the warm sun bathing her face; she squinted down the road, spotting Ponyville in the horizon.

“I should probably try Rarity’s place first; Sweetie Belle’s often there.”

A small chime echoed through the store. Applebloom shifted her eyes through the room, seeing nopony. “Hello?!”

Here, Apple Bloom's talking about going to Rarity's Boutique, and then out of nowhere, she arrives there. We just sorta jump there without any indication that we've gone there.

Applejack squinted as she heard the door open, and she saw four yellow hooves standing there.

“Oh... oh my!”

Feeling weight getting lifted off her shoulder, followed by gentle steps fading inwards (by the way, this sentence is awkwardly incomplete). Applejack felt fatigue cloaking over her, softly pulling her eyelids down.

Applejack was awoken by Fluttershy softly tapping on her shoulder, Her head turned upwards; meeting a set of blue eyes, glistening with a brilliant luster (This is all one sentence, and it should probably be two separate ones. Also, "glistening with a brilliant luster" is superfluous and unnecessarily clashes with this scene's atmosphere).

Here, Applejack collapsed from exhaustion, and then at the very next sentence, she's waking up. There needed to be maybe a solid line or maybe something in between there to indicate that a significant amount of time had passed.

Two more things about your prose: I felt like the funeral scene could've gone on for longer, and that it was a bit too rushed. Also, I think you overdid it with description.

In conclusion of that, pacing seems to be what you should practice on most, in my opinion.

Now we move on to the much more important matters!

Let's begin with the atmosphere you created. I must admit that I liked where it was going in the first 3/4 of the story. The humdrum, everyday vibe I got from it helped me appreciate Winona's company. Your setting descriptions were nice as well, giving it a clear early-morning image.

That being said, I think the atmosphere suffered from the rushed scene at the end. There wasn't any time or action to appreciate the gravity of the situation there (for me, at least).

Moving on to characters. I think you excelled with characterization, and I personally think you used ech character almost, if not completely, to their full potential. I think your story would've benefited from having a small scene with Granny Smith interacting with Winona, like the other members of the Apple family had, but that's just me.

Then, finally, I reach your plot (no, I mean the story-related plot! :twilightblush:). It moved along at a leisurely-enough pace, but it does rush through at certain parts, much to your story's detriment. Also, that scene with the ribbon holds no importance as far as I can tell, and you could've cut that out. The events that transpired were well-done except for your rushing through some parts, like the funeral scene.

Overall, this was a good story. Your characterization and plotting were solid, you had good control of your atmosphere, and for the most part your grammar was good. You just really need to work on your pacing; it moves too fast for the reader (well, me at the very least) to appreciate the gravity of what's going on.

Again, this is only my opinion, so take it as you will. I wish you the best of your talents with your next story!:twilightsmile:

wow, sad. But sad is great.:fluttercry::fluttercry:

Love it great storycdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-soaromg.png but wow granny your into younger stallions

1199261 Thanks alot for the tips! Although, my reasoning for Big Mac sentences to end in '?' is that he's a laconic fellow. So I feel that while economical on words, he will talk to a dog or maybe a dead object. That is atleast what I tried to show here, that he was talking to Winona, and not himself. I obviously failed at that, so I thank you for pointing that out.

1199314 A grain of salt? I welcome any helpfull critic! I will take what you said and improve upon them in my next fic. :twilightsmile: So thank you kindly for taking the time to write that wall of text of yours. :rainbowlaugh: And about that ribbon scene, while it have no big significance as to plot. It was my way of playing on the sisterly bond they have, and the kindness strangers sometimes can present to others.


1199924 I'm really glad you liked it. :yay:
1199135 I'm glad I brought some discomfort to your dog, I'm sure he appreciates it. :rainbowlaugh:
1199062 Thank you, thank you kindly. :raritywink:

1200851 Haha, I'm glad somebody picked that one up. :twilightsmile: And thank you, glad you enjoy my work.

HONK BLARG SPOILERS
Soon as I read the part about the Apple parents coming back, I knew this was going to be a sad one. And it was. Great job.

i started hyperventilating when Applejack was running to Fluttershy's :fluttershbad:
Then i couldn't help but cry so much :fluttershysad::fluttercry:

1200914 And about that ribbon scene, while it have no big significance as to plot. It was my way of playing on the sisterly bond they have, and the kindness strangers sometimes can present to others.

That's fine. This scene was done well. It just doesn't fit here.
If you put this scene in a different story, then I would believe both this story AND whichever one you put it in (preferably one that focuses on either an altruistic stranger or :ajsmug: and :applecry:'s relationship) would benefit.

But that's just my opinion.

This story was like watching Old Yeller; I shed a tear and I'm not the least bit ashamed. Good job! :twilightsmile:

1199314

Overall, this was a good story. Your characterization and plotting were solid, you had good control of your atmosphere, and for the most part your grammar was good. You just really need to work on your pacing; it moves too fast for the reader (well, me at the very least) to appreciate the gravity of what's going on.

This, a :moustache: times this.
One of those tiny little gems you don't really find that often...
all it needs now is a bit of polish. The little things are what brings it down, so work them up to snuff and it will be amazing.
...more so than it already is.

I'm to tired to read this at the moment but I am curious, does this have any realation to that one song from "Fievel Goes West"?

1201099 Thank you mighty. :twilightsmile:
1201106 Glad you enjoyed it.
1201393 I will keep that in mind, thank you for taking the time.
1201784 Really glad you liked it. :heart:
1201977 Then so it shall be, I will polish my story. :yay: Thank you for your comment, and glad you liked it. :twilightsmile:
1202502 No, I don't really know who Fievel is. :applejackunsure:
1202696 Glad you liked it. :twilightsmile:

1203239 Sorry! I don't have anymore for you. :fluttercry: But you can, if you want more like this, check out my other stories. :heart:
That's the only thing I can offer you, sorry. :unsuresweetie:

1203270 damn, ok i'll check 'em out later

just...great

Thisclose to bawling my eyes out...THISCLOSE!!! I never EVER cry anymore from stories! I CONGRATULATE YOU GOOD SIR:applecry:

2027542 Thank you, glad you enjoyed my work. :twilightsmile:

:applecry: Favorited! You made me cry. This story was so sad, but so good.

2470854 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoy my work. Have a nice trip forward. :twilightsmile:

Sad, but good.

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