Touch Wax Seal To Open
Dear Friend,
Cider Sales Organization Recruiting Worldwide!
Commission of -5.00% on all sales arranged within our new territory -- the territory you will acquire for us!
Are you a unicorn? Of course you are! Do you have the power to operate magitech? Of course you do! That's why we want you to head up our latest branch of Flim-Flam Unlimited! For a mere rental fee of our equipment amounting to 20% of your total net worth per week, we will allow you to travel Equestria's apple orchards (but not Apple orchards) and talk the locals into letting you use our machine to make cider! And you get -50.0% commission! What could possibly go wrong?!?
It's a life in the open air! It's a life of making ponies happy! It's a life on the move, and moving quickly too! And it's a life where you get -500% commission on all sales! We just take the rest!
Features included are:
Letting you pretend to have any real company ownership.
Timely escapes from all locales.
Your very own hat and vest so you can claim to be one of us when the authorities arrive to congratulate you on your success!
To prove your interest, please provide us with the following
Full name:
Magical Prowess Rating (Celestia Meter (Adjusted)):
Location:
Nearest Dragon:
Total Net Worth (bits, land, liquidatable assets, titles (optional) and loans you may be able to secure):
Best Possible Land Speed:
Are you ready to step into tomorrow? Can you seize an opportunity where others can't? Don't you want to make -5000% commission? Of course you do! So contact us today and begin your exciting new life in our cider sales organization! It's fun! It's profitable for us! And it's the last career you'll ever have!
Seriously. It will be.
Waiting to hear from our newest and best friend in Equestria,
Flim and Flam Fields
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
Congratulations! You have been considered for Alicorn status! To upgrade from your current race (unicorn/earth pony/pegasus/delete whichever two are not appropriate), all you need to do is go through our simple five-step program!
1. Acquire the Elements Of Harmony.
2. Give them to us so that we may attune ourselves to them.
3. Stand in the middle of our circle.
4. ...
5. Alicorn!
This offer has an expiration date, so act now! All you need to do in order to be on the way to earning your wings (if you don't already have them) is get the Elements to us within the next two moons! We're waiting for you on the southern border. And so is your horn (if you don't already have that). What are you waiting for? Get started!
All Of Other Ponies' Love,
Queen Chrysalis.
P.S. If you are already an alicorn and have received this scroll by mistake, please send it back marked Ignored so we will know to take you off our scrolling list. Thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
Please forgive me if this scroll comes to you as a surprised, since we have not bumped hooves before. I have a proponysal: this however is not mandatory nor will i compel you in any way to honor against your iron will.
I am 252 moons old, son to late President For Shadow Life Sombra, the former glorious and beloved leader of the Crystal Empire. The recent dispute between our empire and the tyranny of the maniacal Preencess Celestia has cruised lots of damages to so many innocent ponies in our homeland.
My father was assassinated by the knownownown insane killer unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, when the military force called the Element-Bearers invaded our land with the intentstions of turning it into a slave state to the Preencess. She burst in uporny my innocent father while he slept bumbly at his people's feet and short him with magic and a thrown alicorned and he later died in our horsepital.
Before his murder was completed, he called our crystal secreteriat who accomponied him to the horsepital and told her he had a sum of two hundred thousand Crystakes (TWENTY MILLION EQUESTRIAN BITS) crept in a security compony found in the mysterious land of Ponyvillain.
He also said the security compony does not knowow the contents of the Strafe Boxed. He declared it as family value proponyerties and used my name to deposit the money as his first second only beloved sun for next of keen and that I should seek a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money to and use it to raise an army to take my homeland back from the rule of the evil Preencess. She is planning to force our ponies into the combat dearth arenas she calls the Equestria Games. This will kill us fall. I do not have much time.
I am just 252 moons old and can barely make my eyes glow red. I don't knowow what to due. So I am reaching out my hoof to you in the hopes that you will help me transfer these funds so the money can be used to creep my people strafe. This is because I have suffered alotalot of personal and ponylitical stuff due to the actions of the insane killer unicorn Twilight Sparkle. The dearth of my father brought sorry to my life and turned my ponies crazy and made them laugh in the streets. Dearest Friend, I am in a sincere desire of your correction, highly retraded.
Now permit me to ask these few questions.
1. Can you honestly help the son of the beloved glorious President For Shadow Life Sombra?
2. Are you a pony who can be conpletely trusted?
3. Would you help me avenger my father's dearth and protect us all from the Preencess and her mad assassin?
4. What percentage of the total bits will be good for you once the money is in your account?
Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as ponyssibles.
Yours Sinisterly,
Sucker Bet
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
We noticed that you recently purchased Unraveling Star Swirl's Secrets For Dummies. Here are some other books we thought you might be interested in.
Alicorn Amulets And The Ponies Who Are Stupid Enough To Use Them
I've Just Been Shown Up By A Traveling Road Show: What Now? Common Questions From Celestia's Classics
Stronger Magic Fields On Six Simple Exercises A Day
Raise Your Own Sun: Self Esteem And The Unicorn Introvert
Secrets Of Mane Transfiguration (Lunar Press, Updated Edition)
Eats, Bucks, And Leaves: Punctuation Errors Which Ruin Spells
Why Am I Pinkie Pie?
Free Super-Saver Shipping may not be available to your dragon. Please inquire ahead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
Trixie Lulamoon sent you a Sort Of Not My Enemy Any More At Least For The Moment So Don't Get Cocky Request on Facehoof!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
Does your horn go limp? Do you try to channel your field and just find your horn flopping around? Are you embarrassed to hook up with other ponies and show them even the most minor spellwork because you're afraid you'll have limp horn issues at any moment? Well, now there's a cure for Limp Horn Syndrome. Previously available only in the Everfree Forest and now heading directly to you because of our special offer!
Has your horn never gone limp? Do you feel you don't and never will need our miracle cure? It can happen to the best of ponies. It can happen to YOU. Fortunately, we also sell a special LHS detection kit! Simply run our special blue flowers all over your face and then go to sleep. If you wake up and your horn isn't limp, you're one of the lucky ones! But if it has -- then you have Latent Horn Limposity, and our medicine has revealed it. Does that scare you? Need the cure? Just see above!
For the complete kit -- tester and cure -- send 500 bits (cash only) to:
Scary Hut Out In The Woods
Resident Zebra Who Is Totally Not Dictating This And Getting Somepony Else To Take Out The Rhymes
Everfree Forest
Side effects from testing phase include but are not limited to voice change, tongue swelling, wild coat and mane growth, wing attachment inversion, and shrinkage of entire body. No refunds.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend,
This message is from your dragon scroll-mail administrator service. Your dragon scroll-mail account has been compromised. We will not be able to allow scrolls to pass through your dragon's wussy little burps again until you send us all the gems to be used for fueling transit flame so that we may inspect them in our mouths and tell what caused your compromise error. If you cannot revalidate your dragon, you will never receive a scroll again. Please do cooperate with us so that we may use your gems to better serve you and ourselves.
Thank you.
Garble, Scroll-Mail King!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And Twilight never let Spike eat griffon-made canned lunch meat again.
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dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8269-93c.gif
You know it would be funny if Spike's line to Princess Celestia were to somehow be hacked. I think maybe Discord could do it just to mess with Twilight.
Damn it! Even Spike mail isn't safe from spammers.
Oh God, make it STOP!
Some quotation marks would've made that less confusing.
Would have been nice to see what Twilight's reactions were, though this is just plain funny either way.
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___ <--- I.Q. must be this low to enter ride.
Good ones! Only thing missing is some "make bits in your free time". Or possibly "I'm writing on behalf of the Princess, and need your dragon's password in order to install security updates and remove viruses". I like.
I smiled, then chuckled, even giggled... then I read the last line, it all clicked, and I was all
I laughed, I cried, I sent 100 bits to them all. Now all I have to do is wait for my Awesome Alicorn Power to show up in the mail.
Awesome!
Omg. It was awesome and the ending was PRICELESS. good work is all I can manage to say at the moment.
First, loved this story. Second, I loved each of those hilarious letters. Third, were you trying to make Sombra`s son or whatever spell things incorrectly or was it just a bunch of grammatical errors. Fourth, I don`t get the ending.
2786822
The letter from the pony claiming to be Sombra's son is done in the style of a classic Nigerian Internet scam where someone claims to be related to a rich person whose fortune was lost, needing American help to reclaim the money. Those Emails are typically riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, some of which are made deliberately in the hopes that the target reading them will think the sender is stupid, giving the reader the perceived edge. One of those letters actually inspired this story, and I borrowed a bit of its structure. A howlingly bad purposeful mistake from it even carried over directly -- 'short' for 'shot'.
As for the ending... what's one brand name for human-consumed canned lunch meat?
2787069 I`m not sure what canned lunch meat is.
2787077
Spam.
2787110 Well, that makes more sense. Ha!
Apparently, 12 years olds know nothing of canned lunch meat.
2787069 Like Soren Bowie!
Soren is an American of some importance. He has amassed great wealth which is now in jeopardy. He is in need of persons with whom his family has no relationship. He seeks your cooperation and assistance in the transfer of 8,000,000.00 to your private bank account in Nigeria. To show his appreciation he will offer you 15% of the total sum including 20% of interest earned. Please treat this issue confidentially. Please send him your bank account number as well as a color photocopy of a Nigerian passport so he is certain you are a real resident. He waits to hear from you.
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/members/Sorenb/#ixzz2XSVlDVc6
Oh my sides.
That Sombra letter. That everything.
My sides.
2787069
They are Chinese hackers pretending to be Nigerians.
Sincerely yours, Not a Nigerian Scammer.
But seriously though if you trace their IPs most ae based in China.
that was the funniest thing i have ever read, im barly able to type due to laughing like the joker after being told a good joke. plz write a sequel to this ! (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off)
I.
Am Greatly Amused.
2787122 Fun Fact: Did you know that they have Bacon Flavored Spam?
2833964 I didn`t know that! Thank you for giving me a useless piece of information that I will tell everyone I know to annoy them! First, my sister. I`m actually going to tell everyone I see for the next two days.
2834081
Glad to Help!
(<----Can tell you're being VERY sarcastic)
2834667 No, I was being truly sincere. I literally told my sister right after. And my father just now. I shall tell my mother when I go upstairs. I love being able to say random things. I often dare others (and myself sometimes) to ask their parents to go to the bathroom. It`s even funnier if you ask a sibling. Occasionally, I go up to my parents and shout words that I made up in the middle of a sentence.
"I told you to get some kerfuzquz from the supermarket!"
or
"Where did you put my gantegloch?!"
It`s fun to be random. Also, acting is fun during those situations. I often enjoy engaging in an argument with someone about a made up thing.
"My iPhone`s case was missing! Did you take it?!"
"What?! No!"
"I saw you walking out of my room with something in your pocket!"
"I never went in your room!" This would just go on for a while.
Later...
"OMG! I found it in my pocket! I must have just been seeing things!"
"I hate you."
"No, you like me."
"You`re lucky that I haven`t punched you yet."
"Yup!"
2705403
Don't forget 'crystal secreteriat'
Hilarious, my favorite gag is how the Flim and Flam negative commission keeps on adding a zero every time.
For anyone who didn't get the ending the first time they read it (which includes me):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spam_(food)
And many giggles were had. Brilliant
ah, spam! I get it! brilliant, just brilliant. (applauds)
I especially loved the Facehoof request and the FLIM FLAM advertisement. brilliant work.
2834719 How I read that:
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol
Have a moustache 4 being so random lolz!
(Warning: the reading itself came out as a sort of soft R-rating due to pre- and post-story commentary from the performer. Approach at your own risk.)
Surprise?
So from all available evidence, the final as-it-is punchline does not travel across the Atlantic particularly well...
Honestly, I don't mind when people do these: I just want to be told about them first. I only found out about this one because someone did a search engine check to find the most recent Pony Hitler accusations and this popped up. The reader never contacted me in any way: without that search, I never would have learned about it.
Which makes me wonder what else is out there.
...and incidentally, if anyone finds a petition to have me removed from FIMFic, let me know. I want to sign it.
I'm guessing the story was picked at random.
That first one sounds like a great deal. If only it came with singing lessons. :(
So how much did it hurt to write the royalty scam? :V That is some quality trollfic there!
Good short fic, funny read. Greenthumbed!
You totally should've done an ad for a 'portal'
are YOU tired of equestria? looking for a new beginning?
well, look no further! Journey to the mysterious realm of humanland for a mere 20,000 bits!
We aren't actually responsible for getting you through the portal, and you'll probably get stuck on the other side but whatever, we still get our bits.
Really Zecora? Really?
OMG this entire fic was hilarious. Most excellent.
Why the heck is Zecora doing fraud?
And geeze Trixie, just admit you want a friend.
Excellent job translating spam into its Equestrian equivalent. Two hooves up.
5897828 Yeah, that one came as a surprise. Did Zecora show up in any of the other stories in this continuity?
2704463
Or you could make it super dark, and get Spike to unwittingly send letters to Equestria's enemies.
Hilarious fic about spam mail, of all things. We all hate spam mail. Sadly, not even being a pony protects you from its horrors.
But the one from Chrysalis was just so funny!
3000132
OH!!!
Thank you for explaining that xD I'd forgotten all about spam. Not that I ever really ate it... But it was still around.
7734506
Glad to be of service to someone, even if it's after 171 weeks. :P
7735322
I just finally decided that, instead of randomly reading a story or two of Estee's when one made the feature box and I had spare time at just that moment, I was going to sit down and start working my way through all the Triptych stories. I'm going to read Triptych itself too, but it's long and incomplete which means there will be a lot to remember and it's a bit intimidating
Yes, yes, I know it's been ages
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Later Reviews #80.
My review can be found here.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=lyrics+step+right+up&&view=detail&mid=75477117C7C7C53EC2B675477117C7C7C53EC2B6&&FORM=VRDGAR
Best line in the whole darn fic, right there.
“Pinkie, you’re an author?”
“Huh? Oh no, silly, I know why I’m Pinkie Pie. Must be pretty weird for somepony else to also be Pinkie Pie, though…”
Fun stuff. Dragon flame needs better ways to block unwanted contacts. Preferably ways that singe said contacts back.
Wow, I can't believe I found a story about spam, and nobody has mentioned Monty Python!! The reason why we refer to unwanted junk email as "spam" is because of a single, memorable sketch on a British comedy programme fifty years ago. I found the full sketch on dailymotion, but can't find the embeddable url. I also found it on Youtube, but it's incomplete.
Full Spam sketch on dailymotion!
(I don't know why it keeps playing other videos.)
Here's the transcript, in case you have trouble understanding British accents.
Almost forgot: Loved the story!!
Addendum-When I posted this comment, my browser wasn't working right, and wouldn't let me post .gif's. I think it's working now.
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