Vinyl Scratch walks into a bar. There is no punchline.

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Featured on Equestria Daily (6 Nov 2012)
Inducted to the Pony Fiction Vault (10 May 2013)
Dramatic Reading courtesy of Farnsey's Fanfiction Theatre 3000
Live-Reading courtesy of the Living Library Player Society

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Hey, everyone. OtterMatt here. Just for the record, I’m not coming back to FimFic. Not ever. I’m sorry to say it, but my life has moved on, as it were, and writing just isn’t a part of it anymore. That being said, I love these stories of mine very much. There’s a lot of myself that I put into them, and at least a couple people have told me that these stories meant a lot to them as well. So, for those people, and for anyone else who enjoys my work in the future, I’m charging my friend Spabble here with curating my completed stories. Thank you all for the love, the faves, and the support as I grew and learned. Keep doing what you love, and the best of luck to you all.

When Gaberdine is awarded a noble title by Princess Celestia, he soon finds out that his new lands contain several surprises. For starters, there is no land in his new barony. Secondly, his new castle turns out to be a broken-down riverboat. And third is… seaponies.

Baron Gaberdine has a lot to learn about his new barony. And himself.

Fortunately, he has a very young teacher.

Now with a sea-quill (sorry) Drifting Down the Lazy River

Cover photo by PhoenixSwift
Editing/Pre-Reading assistance by Tek, Shaleclaw, Peter, Seether00, Monsieur Connoisseur, GhostOfHeraclitus, The Masked Ferret, Blue Paladin42 and Admiral Biscuit

Note: Unlike The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian, this is a single POV love story, like Changelings, Love and Lollipops. Only with fewer cannons and fountains.
Now Featured on Equestria Daily
With a YouTube Reading of the first chapter by BigAsh
And with a dramatic reading by Neighrator Pony and company Full playlist here.
Thanks for a wonderful review by Paul Asaran
Available in paperback through Lulu.com at cost.

Two passengers on a train ride toward an uncertain future. One is a pony. The other only pretends to be.

Sex is tame and non-explicit. Don't be afraid to read.

Written expressly for Equestria Daily's Outside Insight Summer Fanfiction Contest.

Now with a dramatic reading by Illya Leonov!

Russian translation courtesy of Arsus.
Chinese translation courtesy of viczhn.
French translation courtesy of BroNie.

Inspired by the artwork of RubleGun and Raddjuret. Musical accompaniment by Patrick Poe.

Featured at Equestria Daily and the Royal Canterlot Library.

Reader Testimonials

"Vinyl + Octavia is one of the fandom's most cliché and mismatched pairs, and yet this is a real romance with genuine depth and emotion." - horizon
"Holy shit this is impressive. Like... Holy shit, man." - Skeeter The Lurker
"You have crafted something wonderful here, a true gem. You should be proud." - Illya Leonov
"Note that I hate this ship when I say this is far and away the best ScratchTavia I've ever read." - PresentPerfect
"Fuuuuck it's so good!" - Luminary

Daniel Habbuck, UN ambassador to Equestria, hates his job.

Sure it pays well, but it's hardly worth having to put up with flank-kissing politicians and the stomach twisting anxiety of knowing that he represents all of humanity.
One night, after a particularly tense meeting leaves him wound up, Daniel is desperate for somepony to talk to. With his friends either busy or too far away, he hires a batpony prostitute, just so he can have some company.

As he soon learns, there's much more to this streetwalker than meets the eye...

Rated T for sexual references, but no clop.

Special thanks to WingmanRed, Georg, and Kraken Hatchling for proofreading and editing

EDIT: Special, special thanks to Comrade Pony for the suggestions
EDIT: Deleted cover art.

This story is a sequel to The Mare of the Night

It's been six months since Starlight Nightflier, batpony prostitute, was hired to be the conversation partner of UN ambassador Daniel Habbuck. Since then, she's gained a new job, a new home, and a new future for her beloved son.

But that's not enough for Starlight. She wants to be more than just a friend to Daniel. Much more. But something's holding her back. Something from her past that refuses to die...

A collaboration between moi and Comrade_Pony

Special thanks to AidenHeaven, HolyStreak, KG472, zxzxzxzxzx24, and NarlepoaxIII for proofreading and editing!

Cover image source: Link

Once upon a time, on the not-so-magical planet Earth, there was a US Marine who signed up to defend his country. He was assigned to a fire team, the fire team assigned to a squad and the squad assigned to a platoon. Together they defended the area surrounding a Forward Operating Base in Afghanistan from insurgents. If only it were that simple.

When lone Marine is transported to Equestria he finds a post-apocalyptic wasteland. With no orders, no resupply and seemingly no hope of return, he sets out to find what brought him here, and why.

Strong Language Warning: He swears like a Marine.
Disclaimer: I'm not a Marine

What do readers have to say about this story?

"[T]his has to be the dumbest sounding plot I've ever heard of. But my god do you take that and fuck it in its ass ... Its just so real and witty and genuine that the whole premise actually works!" ComprehensiveBrony

"Yes, it's human-in-Equestria, but it's good. ... the action scenes had me sitting on the edge of my seat" Tebee

Cover by me, background stock by DarkDragon774

After a long day, Octavia goes home and pours herself a stiff drink.

Prince Blueblood thought the Grand Galloping Gala was over. He thought he could just go to sleep and put it behind him. He never expected to be reliving the same disaster of a day, over and over... and over.

TV tropes page here:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/TheBestNightEver

Thanks to all the people who wrote the page and all the people who gave me a little wakeup call and comment to become aware of that fact! You can't see it, but you guys put a real smile on my face tonight.

Also, recently, extra thanks to RD Dash for giving TBNE a thorough editing. I've updated the fic accordingly (7.11.12)

Sly Clop is a laid back slacker who runs one of Ponyville's only porn shops on Soresaddle Street. He is a regular customer of Hard Cider's "gentlecolt's club", the Knife and Apple, where he regularly shoots the breeze with Rainbow Dash, who's seen better days.

One day, his only employee quits, and he's forced to hire a new one, starting a new awkward relationship with Lyra, who needs cash. What follows is a lighthearted fic with dark undertones that I hope you'll enjoy.

And if I haven't convinced you enough by this point, no, this not a clopfic.

New cover image by mickf18 on deviantART (DeusExKane here).

Princess Celestia, tired of the constant pressure that ruling a nation puts on her, decides to take a day off and let Luna take her responsibilities for a day, something the younger alicorn is more than happy to do. She disguises herself as a pink maned pegasus pony named Sunny Skies and decides to go walking around Canterlot without any supervision. Unfortunately for her, not all parts of Canterlot are as safe as the palace, and she finds herself at the wrong end of a gang of muggers, who decide to kidnap her for a ransom when they see how much money she has on her.

Luna freaks out.

Celestia thinks it's hilarious.

Find this story and more in a print copy! Just click these words here!

Featured on Equestria Daily 8/15/13

Go here for the French translation!

[img]http://i.imgur.com/CUBPvKI.png[/img]

Edited wonderfully by sqarishoctagon and Cloud Hop

Updated cover art by Dominatore