Princess Celestia Gets Mugged

by BronyWriter


... Oh

"Oh," Mr. Xanadu repeated. "I... uh..." He gulped and began blinking rapidly. "Oh."

Princess Celestia widened her grin and cocked her head. "Is there a problem, Mr. Xanadu?"

"P... uh, nuh... I wahhau." Mr. Xanadu collapsed onto his haunches and stared dumbly at the floor.

Ms. Razzmatazz's ear twitched, and she let the newspaper fall to the floor. "Y... you're Princess Celestia?"

Princess Celestia tapped her lower jaw. "Am I?" She grinned and examined one of her forelegs. "Well, I don't exactly look like Princess Celestia, do I?"

Mr. Xanadu groaned and put his head in his hooves. "This was supposed to be so easy. Just a simple mugging and kidnapping for ransom."

"Well, if I may say so, you pretty much messed up on every count," Princess Celestia pointed out. She chuckled and shook her head. "You have no idea how hard it was for me to not laugh when Mr. Nacarat delivered the ransom note by hoof."

The room was silent save for the intense, labored breathing of Ms. Fallow. Princess Celestia frowned and cocked her head. "Ms. Fallow? Are you okay?"

"No," Ms. Fallow whimpered. "No, I can't do this! I can't go back to jail!" Ms. Fallow shot to her hooves and bolted in the direction of the front door. "I gotta get out of here!"

Ms. Fallow fired up her horn and her magical glow encased the doorknob. She threw the door open, but screamed and promptly slammed it shut.

"What? What is it?" asked Mr. Xanadu.

"The royal guard is out there!" Ms Fallow collapsed onto the floor and began rocking back and forth. "They know where we are!"

"Now hold on a moment." Mr. Xanadu closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. "If they knew where we are then they would have already bucked down the door. We can still get out of this if we just think!" Ms. Fallow whimpered as Ms. Razzmatazz walked over to hug her. "Now, how many guards are out there?"

Ms. Fallow sniffled and wiped her eyes with a foreleg. She slowly stood up and trotted back over to the door and peeked out a window next to it. "Okay... one, two, three, four..." Ms. Fallow collapsed onto her haunches again and leaned her head against the wall. "All of them, I think."

Mr. Xanadu nodded and straightened up. "Well, that does complicate things a little bit. Are they coming this way?"

"They're going door-to-door," Ms. Fallow moaned.

"Well, if they are then we just have to pretend we're not home!" Ms. Razzmatazz sat back down on the couch. "It's not like they can just break down the door."

It was at that precise moment that the royal guards began pounding on the door, causing all three kidnappers to jump. "This is the royal guard," a voice that Celestia recognized as Shining Armor barked. "Please open the door at once!"

Mr. Xanadu quietly put his hoof to his lips in a shushing motion, and pointed to the door nearest the couch. He mouthed the word 'basement' and tip-hooved towards the door. His fellows nodded and began tip-hooving themselves. Another loud pounding on the door made them jump again, but they remained silent.

"Who is it?" Princess Celestia called out, stretching her throat slightly to make her voice more high-pitched. The kidnappers stared at her in horror, and Mr. Xanadu looked over to a nearby wooden plank in a pile of firewood.

"It's the royal guard, ma'am," Shining Armor replied. "If you could please come to the door, we have some questions we'd like to ask you."

"Oh, I'm sorry, we can't come to the door right now," Celestia replied.

"We?"

Mr. Xanadu inched over to the plank and grasped it in his front hooves. He raised it over his head then swung downwards. The board connected with Celestia's head, and the force of the strike snapped the board in two. There's that pillow feeling again.

"Ma'am, if there is more than one of you in there, why can't one of you come to the door?" Shining Armor questioned. "This is a really important matter."

"Hmm..." Celestia leaned back on the couch and tapped her lower jaw with her hoof. "Well, I can't come to the door because I'm a little tied up right now. The other three can't come to the door because they're frozen in place. Does that answer your question?"

"Uh... tied up?"

"Indeed I am. I have a rope leash around my neck that's securing me to a banister." Celestia reclined on the couch and fired up her horn. Her Sunny Skies disguise washed away, revealing her true form. With another spell, she slipped the rope leash off. "Well, maybe not anymore, but I promise you I did."

Silence was the only reaction from the other side of the door for a moment. Princess Celestia turned her head to her kidnappers and smiled warmly at them, something that didn't help their moods. Mr. Xanadu and Ms. Razzmatazz were holding on to each other and Ms. Fallow had fainted dead away.

Finally, Celestia heard Shining Armor sigh. "Princess, is that you?"

Celestia hopped off of the couch and walked in front of the door. She fired up her horn and opened it to reveal a scowling Shining Armor and two stone-faced royal guards. "Good morning, sirs. Would you like to come in?"

Shining Armor grunted and facehooved. "You were never in any danger at all, were you?"

Celestia shook her head. "Not for a moment, my little pony. I can tell you that this has all been great fun."

"For you maybe," Shining Armor grumbled. He motioned to the guard on his right. "Go get Princess Luna. I know she'll want to know all about this." The guard saluted and took wing.

Princess Celestia moved aside to allow Shining Armor and the other guard access to the house. She beckoned them towards the sitting room where the three ponies were still sitting or had fainted.

Shining Armor groaned and rubbed one of his temples. "You have got to be kidding me, Princess. These are the ponies who kidnapped you?"

"Technically I just played along," Celestia admitted.

"Oh, right, of course you did," Shining Armor deadpanned. "Let me just..." Shining Armor deeply exhaled and shook his head.

It was at that moment that what seemed to be an earthquake rippled through the house. Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow and turned her head to see Princess Luna standing in the now destroyed doorway. Her wings were flared out to their full length and a snarl was etched on her face. Celestia returned her sister's expression with a smile. "Oh. Good morning, Lulu."

"YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY 'GOOD MORNING' TO ME, TIA!" Luna screeched. "YOU... YOU..."

Celestia walked over to her sister and raised a hoof. "Luna, calm down. I'm perfectly fine."

"Oh, how wonderful for you!" Luna snarled. "Have you considered the personal Tartarus I have experienced?!"

Celestia sighed and closed her eyes as she put a hoof on Luna's shoulder. "Lulu, I admit that I might not have been thinking about what you had to go through, and for that I am sorry."

Luna growled and slapped Celestia's hoof away. "We had to deal with that rabble you call the nobility upon your kidnapping! On top of that, the press got wind of your little day off with those foul nags!"

"Oh yes, we read about that in this morning's paper." Celestia chuckled and glanced back at the sitting room. "I might have to save a clipping."

Luna slammed her hooves on the ground. "Have you no shame, Tia? Why do you pretend that no great consequences have come from this?!"

"Because, I do not believe as such." Celestia put her hoof back on Luna's shoulder. "Nopony got hurt, least of all me, and I have to admit I did have fun. Those poor ponies who kidnapped me were an alright sort. There was no true malice behind their actions." Celestia's smile returned. "Besides, you've been asking me for more time in court to get used to dealing with the nobles."

"Not like that, Tia!" Luna leaned forwards until her snout touched her sister's. "If you think that you shall ever receive another day off you are mistaken! In fact, I think that no cake shall be had by you forever!"

Celestia frowned and leaned back. "Now Lulu, let's not say things we cannot take back."

Luna huffed and walked past Celestia. "I have nothing further to say to you for the day, Tia." Luna cracked her neck and trotted over to the sitting room where the three kidnappers remained. Luna's scowl deepened and she flared out her wings once more. "Explain yourselves! What possessed you to commit such a heinous act?!"

Upon seeing Luna's rage, Mr. Xanadu's eyes rolled in the back of his head and he fainted dead away, leaving Ms. Razzmatazz as the only conscious kidnapper.

"Oh come on!" she moaned.

Luna's eyes narrowed and she took a step forward. "I am waiting for your answer."

Ms. Razzmatazz chuckled weakly and dropped Mr. Xanadu on the ground. "Uh... well, I think we did it mostly for the money."

"You stole money from my sister?"

"Oh, not really, Luna," Celestia assured her. "I won it all back playing poker."

"Pok..." Luna growled and facehooved so hard a loud slapping noise echoed throughout the house. "You are bucking kidding me, Tia."

Ms. Razzmatazz gulped and scooted away. "Uh, we didn't hurt her at all... I think."

"You think?" Luna's eyes began glowing white. "YOU THINK?!"

"Lulu, please calm down. As I said, no harm befell me. They did not hurt me, nor did they intend to do so."

"We... we just wanted a little money to support ourselves," Ms. Razzmatazz whimpered. "I-it was just to pay the bills for a few months until one of us got a job." Ms. Razzmatazz motioned over to the two unconscious ponies. "See, we all went to school together and we thought that we could pay the rent easier if we split it. Then..." Ms. Razzmatazz lowered her head and flattened her ears. "We lost our jobs. We tried to open up our own spa, but it didn't quite work out." Ms. Razzmatazz sighed and shook her head. "It's too bad. Mr. Nacarat is the best masseur I've ever met."

"Indeed, he is," Luna mumbled. Celestia grinned and raised an eyebrow, eliciting another glare from Luna. “It is none of your business, Tia!"

"I see." Celestia turned back to Shining Armor. "Captain Armor, if you would please escort these three to the palace. I would like to discuss their future in a more comfortable setting." Ms. Razzmatazz whimpered and lowered her head. "Starting with a partial pardon for all three of you."

Ms. Razzmatazz's eyes widened and she snapped her head back up. "Do you really mean it?!"

Celestia smiled and nodded. "What you did was wrong, my little pony, but if you wish to atone in a way that doesn't end with your imprisonment, I will not stop you. You shall work off your debt.”

Ms. Razzmatazz leaped to her hooves and smiled. "Do you really mean it?!" Celestia nodded and Ms. Razzmatazz let out a squeal of delight. However, her smile slowly fell and she glanced back at her two accomplices. "But what about Mr. Nacarat? You didn't say you were going to pardon him."

Celestia's smile widened ever so slightly, and she turned her head to Luna. "I will leave that up to Princess Luna here."

Luna cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. "Me?"

Celestia nodded. "Indeed, sister. You were the one who captured him after all. Are you willing to imprison or execute the proclaimed best masseur in Equestria?"

Luna's left eye twitched and her glare returned full force. "That is not fair, Tia. I just..." Luna growled and closed her eyes. "Pardoned. He shall share the fate of his fellows."

"Very well, sister," said Celestia. "Then we will—"

"But only after another back rub!" Luna blurted out.

* * * *

That afternoon saw the group back at the palace. Princess Celestia revived the three unconscious kidnappers and informed them of their fate. They would be given jobs in the palace relating to their special talents. On top of that, she hinted that she might use them to prank some of the nobles that came through the castle. She had Shining Armor escort the elated kidnappers to the servant's quarters to begin their training.

Luna had left to go to her room not long after that. It was clear that she was still quite miffed about the whole thing. Before she left, though, she beckoned Mr. Nacarat to follow her.

Finally, Celestia herself went back to her room, having cancelled court that day. She sighed contentedly and reclined on her bed, allowing herself to sink into her pillows. They could reach her here if she needed anything, but it was time to unwind from the events of the past few days.

Celestia sighed and snuggled into her sheets, ready for a nice long nap.

* * * *

Celestia awoke a few hours later. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was time to lower the sun. If anything, she was a few minutes late on that. She stretched out her wings and cracked her neck before firing up her horn. Slowly the sun lowered in the sky, disappearing over the horizon after a minute. As a reversal of her actions, Celestia saw the moon raise into the sky before coming to a halt at its peak.

Celestia smiled as the moonbeams filtered through her window. She figured that it was a good time to get a little snack, so she opened the door to her bedroom only to find her sister standing on the other side with her hoof raised. "Oh. Good evening, sister."

Luna frowned and lowered her hoof. "Tia, I wish to speak to you about the events of the past few days."

Celestia chuckled and waved her hoof. "Oh Luna, I told you that I'm fine. They couldn't have hurt me if they wanted to, and they didn't want to hurt me anyway."

"That is not what I mean, Tia!" Luna snapped. "I am glad to see you are unhurt, but there was more to this whole situation than your day off!"

Celestia's smile faded, and she cocked her head. "Luna, I know they were desperate because they were in poverty. While they are being punished, I am using their skills for good. Mr. Xanadu is coordinating relief efforts, Ms. Fallow is learning how to cook in the kitchens, and Ms. Razzmatazz is planning pranks for the nobles on top of managing the finances for the three of them." Celestia's smile returned. "Not to mention that you and Mr. Nacarat seem to be getting along quite nicely."

"Tia, can you think of nothing but yourself?!" Luna slammed her hoof on the floor, leaving cracks where it impacted. "Did you ever stop to consider how I would react to such news that you were taken by some unknown group?! I... I..."

Celestia put a hoof on Luna's shoulder. "Lulu, you did a fine job; both with the nobles and the rescue attempts. I don't—"

"I was scared, Tia!" A sob coursed through Luna's body and she pushed her sister's hoof off. "I received news that some group had taken you, and I didn't know what was going on. Yes, they were asking for a mere ransom, but how was I supposed to know that you had allowed yourself to be kidnapped for fun? If they had known who you were and were still able to capture you, how was I supposed to handle that?"

"Luna, I..." Celestia looked into her sister's tear-filled eyes and flattened her ears. "You are right, of course. I wasn't thinking. It's just that... it was so exhilarating. I knew I was in no danger, but it almost felt dangerous. It broke the monotone of dealing with the nobles without being a national crisis of some kind."

"You did not think of me, Tia," Luna mumbled. "I did not know what I would have done had you actually been injured. It scared me."

Celestia gave her sister a small smile and wrapped her in a hug. Luna leaned her head against Celestia's shoulder and returned the hug. "I'm sorry. Had I thought for a moment that this would happen I would have never done it. It was just a bit of fun on my part. I'm sorry if it hurt you."

"I am just glad you are safe, Tia." A smile stretched across Luna's face. "I do not suppose that you shalt accept my order of no more cake."

Celestia chuckled. "No, Luna, I don't think that I will. Curse Mother for eating it so much when I was in the womb."

Luna snorted. "She ate peanut butter and pickle sandwiches with me, Tia."

Celestia wrinkled her snout in disgust. "Even with that I will never understand your fondness for them." Celestia released her sister. "I mean really: peanut butter, butter, and pickles?"

Luna's smile widened and she shrugged. "If you do not wish to partake in that treat, you do not have to." Luna chuckled and tapped her jaw. "If you shall not accept our punishment of no cake, I shall have to think up some other nefarious scheme."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "I see." She snorted and crossed her forelegs. "Not to tempt fate: but hit me with your best shot."