Paul's Thursday Reviews XC · 9:40pm Oct 19th, 2017
Before I say anything at all: Achievement Get! FIMFiction user Midday Shine contacted me a while back, and the fruit of our conversation has at last ripened. I present to you my first ever translated fic: Friendship = Evil in Polish! One more milestone down. Now if I can just get someone to make a webcomic out of one of my stories...
Y'know, I've read through a lot of stories. As I go through them, one of the things I've come to recognize is the use of Author's Notes. It's gotten to the point where I feel you can gauge an author's 'new'ness by what they say in them. I try not to say much about them in my reviews, because the reviews ultimately aren't about the notes. Still, they tend to bug me.
Take one of the stories I finished reading today. The Author's Notes in it frequently annoyed me. One chapter ends with a character seriously wounded, and the A/N gives us this dumb little sentence, written with the air of hesitancy and graveness, in which the author questions what he's just done. Yes, because somehow, given the total tameness of the story so far, this little note is going to make the readers think he's killed off the character. "Oh, my gawd, even the author is in shock!"
Uh, how about no? If anyone reading that note thought the author had no idea what they just did, I've got a house in Beverly Hills to sell you.
And then the author goes through the trouble in the next chapter of joking about how, obviously, his clever ruse fooled us all into thinking he'd killed one of the stories protagonists. No, author. Nobody bought your pathetic attempt at click bait. This is not how you enhance your cliffhanger. I am only ashamed because I used abuse the A/Ns too in my early stories. Thank Luna I got out of that habit.
But this does lead me to a general question, and the real reason that I bring this up. What do you people in the audience believe the Author's Notes should be used for? I've seen it handled in all sorts of ways, but to be honest the methods are so common now that I tend to just ignore them outright if they don't catch my attention somehow (see above). It's gotten to the point where I don't bother to put anything at all in the A/N except in the last chapter of a story, usually for the credits, general thanks and a (hopefully) appropriate song.
So... what do you use the Author's Notes for?
Alright, literary question given. To the reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Guardians of Many Hues by TadStone
I Hate Hearts and Hooves Day! by ILurvTrixie
Queen by CDRW
The One Who Got Away by Georg
Mare in the Mirror by adcoon
Total Word Count: 167,231
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Guardians of Many Hues
44,669 Words
By TadStone
TadStone’s Guardians of Many Hues is your traditional Scootaloo fiction, taking on many of the established requirements of the sub-genre. It’s got homeless Scootaloo, Scootabuse, and Rainbow-fixated Scootalove. There’s really no much need for a summary; these stories practically write themselves. I elected to take a look due to the implications of the title and description, suggesting that Scootaloo would gain not just one, but several parent figures by the end of the story. I figured that was original enough to warrant a look.
Sadly, the story is littered with all sorts of problems. The first and biggest of these is an overly telly writing style that is determined to explain to us everything no matter how insignificant. And I do mean everything. Rainbow lying on a cloud in the middle of the night? Let’s talk about everything that happened in the last few hours, in detail, so that the reader knows exactly why she’s there. Cool plant gets used to restore Rainbow’s energy for a while? Let’s go into a long explanation of what it is, what it does, where and when it grows, the collection and storage process, and why it is in regular use in the military (ignoring that Rainbow Dash, as an expert flier and Wonderbolts fan, is guaranteed to be aware of all of this already). Scootaloo mentions a troubling event last summer? Let’s have a long, needless flashback describing the scene in detail. The list of long-winded tangents goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and will you just continue the story already?
This is complicated by a number of incorrectly quoted idioms, the use of words that don’t mean what the author clearly intended (you're gonna see me mention this a lot in the coming weeks), poor comma use, and a stiff, formal manner of writing that permeates every layer of the story. Every character uses the exact same speaking form, which itself is taken directly from the narrative – except for some poorly placed ‘“ya”s to emphasize Applejack’s and Apple Bloom’s accent. When you have Rainbow’s and Twilight’s dialogues indistinguishable from one another, you’re doing something wrong.
Okay, so in terms of the writing quality, this story is a mess. How about the story itself?
Well… it’s problematic. I mean, we get all the expected Scootatale tropes, with all the d’awwws and ‘oh, you poor thing’s and fuzzy nuzzles and hugs we might expect. But there’s also a number of weird character decisions and behaviors. Take, for instance, Celestia and Luna responding to the news of police malfeasance in Ponyville by arriving with a large, heavily armed military force of the kind normally reserved for meeting invading armies – because, y’know, that’s necessary when dealing with a police force of one. Or the one soldier who flies back to Ponyville from Trottingham, shedding his armor and nearly giving himself a heart attack, to inform everyone that the villain of Scootaloo’s past has been captured. The way he looks and acts, you’d think he’d just arrived to tell everyone a overwhelming changeling army was on the way.
And by the way, you can easily fool your social worker. All you have to do is look at the floor and they’ll believe any sob story you have. No, seriously, it’s directly stated in-story that nobody can look at the floor who isn’t sad.
Add to that every character being emotionally unstable to the extreme. Let’s throw in Twilight accusing her friend of pedophilia out of nowhere, with no evidence or reason, just to throw some pointless emotion into the story. Or Princess Luna retreating so fast and hard she literally crushes a desk because, oh my Goddess, Rainbow looks sad! Scootaloo said she’s homeless, without giving any details: Rainbow starts sobbing. Rainbow tell Applejack that Scootaloo was abused, again, no details: Applejack starts crying. Oh, and let’s throw in another author treating Twilight’s burning form from the Pinkie-sense episode as legitimate instead of the one-time gag is was obviously meant to be (I can’t stand when people do that). I swear, every pony in Equestria is an emotional time bomb just waiting to destroy whatever happens to be within hoof’s reach because someone spilt the milk.
And while we’re at it, let’s show leadership malfeasance. Am I seriously expected to believe that is it illegal to arrest one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony? I guess any one of them can perform any act they want now, no matter how unethical.
You burn that orphanage, Twi. Celestia’s got your back, babe.
On a positive note, there are some bits that make for curious ideas. For example, remember how the Mane Six turned grey when discorded? According to TadStone, that wasn’t because they’d been discorded, it was because they were miserable, and pony coats lose color brightness based on their emotions. That’s an interesting concept. It doesn’t mesh with anything in the show at all, but it’s still a fresh idea that would have been great to explore.
This author needs a lot of work in writing style. They also need to really think about how they handle emotions and the logic behind character behavior. I know the author has improved some thanks to having read later stories, but this one could use an overhaul. Despite all the flaws, I’m still feeling positive about this author’s potential. TadStone shows the ambition and desire to make something worthwhile. They just need the practice and the critique to get there.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Immortal Dreams — Needs Work
I Hate Hearts and Hooves Day!
4,642 Words
ILurvTrixie failed to provide cover art.
This technically counts as a re-read. A while back I discovered that I’d already read this story but, somehow, failed to produce a review for it. Perhaps it was back before I was writing them. Either way, here we are.
In this story we find Roseluck and Cheerilee with the same problem: they are the only ponies in all of Ponyville without a special somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day. Bitter and seeking something to distract from the frustrations of the holiday, they bump into one another and decide to take advantage of the it for personal gain. Mainly, by teaming up for all the ‘deals for couples’ that are going on all over town.
I should point out that I know how they feel. Somehow, be it coincidence or whatever, I’ve never actually been dating someone during Valentine’s Day. Once upon a time, this frustrated the heck out of me, so I can certainly relate to Roseluck’s and Cheerilee’s situation.
The story is decently written, with a prose that tries at times to be playful and a pair of mares determined to find ways to enjoy the day without actually being a couple. For what it is, it isn’t bad. But it also doesn’t seem to do much with its premise. This is very much a “here today, gone tomorrow” story, in that you may enjoy it as you’re reading it, but it won’t stick around in your head later. It has nothing to raise it above the crowd, and so earns a mediocre rating from me.
Again, not a bad story. But not a particularly interesting one, either.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Edited Details — Pretty Good
Special Delivery — Pretty Good
There are few things quite as annoying as an author who starts what they can’t finish. Sadly, that’s almost all of them.
Queen begins with news that a vast army of changelings are flying directly to Canterlot, Chrysalis at the helm. The force is larger than anything Equestria has ever had to face before. Certain that Chrysalis is coming to do by force what she failed to achieve through trickery, Celestia and Luna begin work on devising a defense for the city.
As I read this, I wondered what made this story so interesting as to warrant a recommendation from everyone’s favorite rock. Changeling invasions aren’t new and I wasn’t seeing a lot that wowed me. But then there came the scene on the balcony, and abruptly the story takes on a new light.
This is the first story I’ve ever read that doesn’t treat the original changeling invasion of Canterlot as the stupidest idea in the history of ever. In fact, Celestia and Luna go through a very clear analysis of why Chrysalis is actually an incredible opponent, the weaknesses that led to her defeat, and some self-examination of why she was able to get away with it for so long. It’s refreshing to see a story that doesn’t consistently dump on Chrysalis for her failures, and I think this may be the thing that warranted its recommendation.
Past that, Celestia’s ultimate decision and its implications are interesting. The twist at the end makes them somewhat moot, but at the same time, it’s already established that this version of Chrysalis isn’t an idiot. Proud, vain, but not an idiot. It makes one wonder just what is really going on.
On a side note, I am mildly annoyed that someone else did this before I could get my own changeling story out there, which means it’s no longer ‘my’ idea. Then again, it probably wasn't 'mine' in the first place and this is just the first time I'm seeing it. But that’s okay; at least if I ever get to mine I know it’ll also be finished. It’s a shame that this one probably won’t be, because I’d like to know if CDRW intended to take it down obvious paths or, perhaps, do something more original with the concept.
This one has potential, and lots of it. Alas, it is likely we shall never see where it goes, and that affects my grade. The fact I’m willing to give it a rank at all considering its status should speak volumes.
Bookshelf: Worth It
The One Who Got Away
22,773 Words
By Georg
Requested by Georg
I’ve barely put a dent in Georg’s significant library of 1.6 million horse words. He’s given us a few gems, some solid pieces, and at least one endless story of questionable quality about little purple monsters. The One Who Got Away is undoubtedly one of my better experiences with his works.
The story stars young Canterlot noble Gaberdine, third in line for his family’s house and a meticulous accountant. When he wins the honor of personally correcting Equestria’s annual budget, he proudly delivers to Celestia a document listing 435 errors – mostly spelling and incorrect capitalization – and the salvation of a whole 17 bits in the nation’s multi-billion bit budget. And the reward for his diligence? A barony. He’s over the moon!
...until he discovers that every inch of his newly acquired land is underwater and his castle is an old, beat up riverboat.
At least the locals are interesting.
This was a delightful little read about a pony discovering the joys of a simple life. Gaberdine is fairly plain in his overall character, but this fact is made up for by the seapony filly Ripple, who steals the show in every scene she pops up in, and Sen, the old deck swab who knows how to handle everything from storm preparations to rambunctious seapony fillies.
There are a number of catches and conditionals to the enjoyment. For one, there are pacing issues with the character building. By far the most notable is the behavior of Pearl and the seaponies, who are supposed to all be ridiculously skittish. And yet, somehow, Pearl goes from being frightened by the mere raising of a hoof to granting a peck on the lips after only a few short days – with very little actual interaction with Gaberdine, might I add. It’s the love at first sight style, and it defies reality.
For once, I didn’t mind at all. And I know that seems ridiculous, because this kind of thing really matters to me. I’ve said so time and time again. So what is so good about this story I’m willing to forgive the dramatic and dramatically bad leap in character building?
Whimsical and endearing prose, a precocious filly with wonderful characterization, strong scenery and atmosphere, and an unyielding feeling of bubbly, wholesome happiness. The story may be fast, the lesson old and the characters counter to their earliest descriptions, but these issues pale in comparison to the overall positive, feel-good manner that permeates every word of this delightful fic.
I loved this story. I’m putting it a step down from my favorites, because it does have some flaws and they may ruffle a feather or two, but for me personally this may be the most endearing story I’ve read by this author. I can’t wait to read the sequel.
Oh, and make sure you read the commentary chapter at the end. It’s worth it. Trust me.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A War of Words – The Opening of the Guard — WHYRTY?
Letters from a Little Princess Monster — Incomplete
The Monster in the Twilight — Worth It
The Night Guard – Night Mares — Pretty Good
Mare in the Mirror
89,918 Words
By adcoon
Sequel to Fillystata
At last, we reach the final story in the Fillystata dark fantasy series. This story, written waaaay back in 2012, opens where Fillystata left off. Trixie has become an alicorn thanks to a complex combination of actions committed by Princess Luna, the now-deceased Twilight Sparkle, and the witch Midnight Spindle, aka Fillystata. She is now viewed as a princess herself, although whether this is by virtue of the wings or because of her romantic relationship with Luna is unclear. But Trixie is growing more and more unwell.
She and Luna fear that she is falling under the sway of either Midnight Spindle from beyond the grave (not the first time she’s done that) or Nightmare Moon by virtue of literally sharing blood with Luna. Desperate for answers and facing a possible resurgence of either villain, they gather friends and set off on a journey to save Trixie from the demons now haunting her.
The first thing to remind everyone about is that this series is dark. It’s not like those stupid splatterporn stories or the short but meaningless horrors that come and go. Midnight Spindle is a true villain, consumed in a whirlwind of psychopathy, necrophilia, megalomania, and a superiority complex of divine proportions. By the time this story begins she’s already killed three beloved characters of the MLP franchise, and by the end of it she’ll cement her place as a creature worth loathing. adcoon pulls no punches.
Part of me is annoyed by the interpretation of magical power in this story. adcoon seems to have developed the idea that alicorns are useless in almost every way. Recall this is the same author who, in the first story, assumed Luna was so weak that her life could be seriously threatened by wrapping a threadbare piece of cloth around her head. Apparently, this blatant feebleness is also true for Celestia. I do have to grant some room for interpretation, especially considering how early this story was written and the show’s foolish insistence that the princesses couldn’t magic their way out of a wet paper bag, but it still rubs me the wrong way.
On the positive side, this weakness of the characters leaves plenty of room for character growth and the presentation of difficult challenges, and adcoon delivers in this area in spades. From slaver harpies, blood-devouring vines, all-powerful mind control and even an up close meeting with death himself, there’s no end of threats to be overcome. The awareness that adcoon is not afraid to kill our beloved characters, having done so in the past, makes this all the more disturbing. When the shit hits the fan with Celestia’s public address (you’ll know what scene I’m talking about when it comes), there’s a very real fear that this might be one of those stories where the bad guys win.
The author needed no cliffhangers to keep me reading. On at least two occasions I found myself wishing I could abandon my reading schedule just to see if my worst fears would be realized.
Yet as much as I enjoyed the story in general, there were a lot of speed bumps along the way. The writing is still weak, featuring repetition, over-telly narration, the occasional bout of weak or sloppy dialogue, a tendency to be vague when it is least desirable (the final battle being a prime example), trouble maintaining a given perspective, and the use of phrases or declarations that don’t mean what the author probably intended. That last one seems to be a trend with stories I’ve been reading lately. All in all, the style feels amateur, and this can be a burden for the writing elites out there.
The plot has its issues, as well. Why are Luna and Trixie together when we’ve been given nothing whatsoever to make it so? I had this same complaint at the end of Fillystata, which seemed to arbitrarily make them an item despite no indication in the entire story that it was coming. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Or how about the romance between Fluttershy and Pinkie? You talk about “out of nowhere”.
How about the pets, who all take part in the adventure to some degree and yet get no recognition in the end? Opalescence in particular got shafted with an original depiction as a loyal and devoted (if grumpy) pet who, halfway through the story, disappears without explanation. At least the other pets maintained characterization and stuck around to the end. Those that didn’t die, that is.
Worst of all is the severe lack of explanations. There are a lot of things going on, especially in the latter half, that you have to accept at face value. You will never be told why these events occurred, but you will be expected to understand and appreciate that they are somehow all linked together despite having seemingly nothing at all to do with one another. This is okay in small amounts, but adcoon makes it an inherent aspect of the storytelling, and it doesn’t work no matter how interesting the individual events are.
And even when we do get an explanation for things that seem wildly unnatural – such as Fillystata having more magical power than the entire city of Canterlot combined, royals included – you can’t trust it. Why? Because a chapter or two later we learn that that explanation was never true in the first place, and we are once against expected to just accept that no real explanation exists.
This author needs to learn two things. First, that the big things typically need a reason to happen beyond “it’s magic, I don’t have to explain anything to you.” Second, plot connectivity. Foreshadowing, clues, A because of B leads to C. You can’t expect me to read about five or six completely different events and then believe those events are related to the main goal by virtue of their existence.
Despite these flaws (and more that I’m surely forgetting), I still thoroughly enjoyed myself. Mare in the Mirror is dark, at times disturbing, and if you harbor any love for Celestia, Luna and Equestria you will come to hate the main villain. And aren’t those the best villains? The writing is clunky and the plot has dangling threads all over the place, but if you can look past them you’ll get to see a pretty good dark fantasy adventure unfold.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Big Butterfly Brouhaha — WHYTRY?
Fillystata — Worth It
Stitch — WHYRTY?
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Author's Notes are kinda tricky. Sometimes I don't use them, while other times I add in jokes, extra information about the story, or fitting music. It honestly depends mostly on the story itself. But then again, you probably already knew that.
My favorite thing about The One That Got Away, aside from it being a fun story, was the tale of how the barony was created in the first place. It was a fun moment of "Someone's thinking ahead!"
As far as author's notes go, I've tended to avoid them for the most part, only lately putting them in as a sort of "afterward" to the work pointing readers in the direction of my other stuff and maybe sharing a few words on how the story came about. I tend to skim or skip them when I'm actually reading someone's work, since they're often fluff.
I've said it before, but I'm gonna repeat it nevertheless - thank you SO much for letting my team (and me) to work on your fic!
Author's notes, eh? I'll just say what I like to see in them...
-More depth to the story. There's this author I know, Scyphi, who uses them to explain more about the story. Where he gets names for things, what certain things mean (like Latin words he based a language on), and some of his thought processes in writing. He also chooses to address issues that many readers brought up. For example, in one of his chapters, he talked about why he chose to have the pacing be a little slow: he slaved and slaved for weeks on the next couple chapters and doesn't want to redo them all.
-Pictures of creatures/ events in the story. Calm WInd is the one that comes to mind for this.
And then what I don't like so much...
-Fitting music. I mean, if your story needs music to inspire feeling in the reader, or to turn it from good to great, I don't believe it was that good of a story in the first place. If it's more along the lines of "I was listening to this while writing," well, that's all right then, actually kinda nice to see into the mind of the author a little.
-"Next chapter soon!" I'll be honest, this one doesn't bother me that much. And it's great if it's an ongoing story, but once it's finished, it's kinda annoying to see "Next chapter up soon" when I know the entire thing is posted.
Oh, and Georg is gonna be happy when he sees this.
4702787 4702821
I had to Author Note stuff in The One Who Got Away. For crying out loud, I had *Ghost* editing with such in-document gems as:
Ghost: That's nothing! During the highly annoying breakup of house Canter, she awarded one particularly annoying noble a third of all land (the middle third), excepting the third of that land (the middle third) and of those parts that were left, the Crown took a third (a middle third, as it happens) and of parts thus remaining the Crown took exactly a third (the middle third) and...
Six cartographers were driven insane, and an entire branch of mathematics had to be invented because of that little fracas. And then there was the business with House Sierpinski over in Stalliongrad. Yeesh. We still haven't gotten to the bottom of that one. --D.H.L.
Yes, it's a math joke. No, I don't have any shame.
And Neighrator Pony, Gina, Scribbler, Illia and Crew did a bang-up job on the reading:
Regarding Author's Notes, I usually will either do some sort of playful tease/red herring/joke based on the chapter for my longer stories. I always try to keep them as short as possible. For my more serious pieces, sometimes I'll have applicable literary (or occasionally Biblical) quotes. They're always auxiliary though, save for the last chapter of a piece.
The last chapter will be a lot like yours. The story's theme song, maybe a short retrospective if I'm not using a separate one in a blog, the required thank yous and a few general comments. If I'm going to go on at length, I'll split it off into a full-blown retrospective.
The main goal is that if someone misses something in the author's notes, they're not going to miss any critical data. They're usually a last-second attempt at me being funny.
Looks pointedly at another certain semi-dark Trixie/Lulu fic wherein Trixie inevitably becomes a princess.
Oh really now, Paul?
Oh wow, I didn't even notice your previous reviews of my other stories. And now the complete set. I've fallen way out of the pony loop lately. Thanks for the reviews. I love hearing what people think.
It's a bit funny, the part about the princesses not being able to fight their way out of a wet paper bag, because that's been a huge, infuriating pet peeve of mine with the show (seriously, ARGH!). That I would have committed the same sin in my own stories is so ironic, now that I think about it. I think I did it at least a bit on purpose, but it was so long ago I can't honestly remember my thoughts on the matter.
I'm unsure about your other complaints. On one hand, I can't recognize what you're saying, but on the other hand I'm willing to accept it on faith since these stories (Fillystata and MitM in particular) are so old that I barely even remember the plot anymore. I certainly don't remember the details.
I find it interesting that you liked Stitch so much better. It probably is better, in many ways: it's much more recent, so I had more experience writing, and I personally felt I really got to understand the characters and their stories, to the point where I really felt sad that I couldn't go back and rewrite the whole trilogy with my new understanding and experience. But alas, that's the thing about writing a series. On the other hand, I've always felt that, despite the improvements, it was a bit of a failure.
Anyway, I'm always glad to know that others enjoyed my stories, despite their flaws.
As for author's notes, I rarely ever use them. I did occasionally use them back in the early days, but I stopped when I realized that they were more distraction than anything. These days, credits and all that stuff goes in the story's description, and if I have any thoughts on the story, I write a blog about it. These sorts of things don't belong in the story itself.
I did use them recently on my (now discontinued) story, Uniformity, to give the reader a recap of the story up to that point because it had been years since the last update. I think that was a legit (and very helpful) use, but other than edge cases like that I think using author's notes comes across as unprofessional and distracting.
4703072
Oi! At least mine made an admittedly sloppy attempt at hinting that it was coming and trying to find ways to make it work. Fillystata just has them enemies who hate one another until, whoops, nevermind forget all that baggage and anger and petty squabbling they actually love one another now yay!
4704012
Hey! And here I thought you'd be one of those authors who would never know about or respond to my reviews. You're welcome. I'm always glad to do them, and yours have been pretty interesting so far. I imagine it'll be a sad day when I inevitably run out.
4704053
You never know, miracles could happen and I write something new before that happens.