Stargazer is trying to live his life with his sister and ends up getting caught with a lot of responsibilities. While this is rated teen, there won't be any sex scenes but there will be romance. Violence and gore will be added later on, however.
Special thanks to brony4ever(RIP) for letting me borrow his character, TheLogoliner, ultrasponge, Thunder Cloud, and Iambrony.
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Look's pretty good so far, I might keep an eye on this on.
You're got a few spelling mistakes though, and you need to make a new line every time somepony speaks, other's thing became cramped and blocky. I would also work on your length if I was you, Though it's possible this was an intentionally short prologue.
186013
Yeah, it was. I will edit it soon, glad you like it.
It was a prologue just as a test to see if people would like it.
Thanks for the help!
Okay, I edited it. Is that what you meant by starting a new line every time somepony talks?
Wow that was...amazing i need to remember to...WOw that was still amazing
Also my story failed moderations because of to much tags
so...
Still this was amazing!
186573
I'm glad you like it. I will be making a chapter, right now, in fact.
This chapter might be a little disorganized due to the fact that I scratched this one up out of nowhere.
Ok try again this is what i think of this story
i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb138/Bean5657/EpicWallpaperMedium.jpg
186995
LOL glad you like it.
If you want, I can push myself to le limit and make another chapter today.
Also, who's your favorite pokemon?
Mine is:
desmond.imageshack.us/Himg688/scaled.php?server=688&filename=sceptile.png&res=medium
9th degree burns? well....
better than 25th degree.......stupid lightning....and mirrors....and light and energy amplifying spells .......well at least i survived...after about a month of extreme care
This chapter is a bit short, but there will be a bit of a twist in the next chapter.
Hey you asked me about my favorite pokemon
So you shall recive
i49.photobucket.com/albums/f261/nessamoore/Pokemon/staraptor.png
Its starapter
187894
Ah. That is closely related to my second favorite.
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Swellow.
I'm not gonna lie, the second paragraph made me cringe.
If you have to have to break the narration of the story to explain things, like backstory, or motivation, or anything like that, That's not a good sign.
Instead of telling us that Stargazer is a mail man with a dark past, you should focus on showing us.
For example, try having the character reminisce about his past, clichéd as it is, (The reminiscing, not your past. I think.), or have a conversation with Carrot Top to explain the issue. If it any moment you're tempted to slow down or stop the story to explain key elements, that's a sign you need to take a break and think up a new way to add those elements to your story. To me, The point of a story isn't to advance the plot, though that is something important. The point of a story is to show how the characters interact with each other under different circumstances.
Finally, despite breaking the story to explain things, you still managed to avoid telling us anything about the time she went to space in the first time. That seems like something that is both interesting and needed.
But then again, maybe I'm just nitpicking, I'm not a skilled writer either. Just remember this kind of thing if you write again.
Oh, and I nearly forgot, That is what I meant when I said each speaker gets a line, but you don't need a new line if the person is just continuing what they were saying,
Example: "I see," She said, "The kids can handle it."
Instead of: "I see," She said,
"The kids can handle it."
P.S. My favourite pokemon is Steelix.
Alright, I didn't have time to proofread it.
Enjoy!
Pretty good chapter.
Rainbow Dash and Doctor Whooves seem a bit out of character, but I'm sure you'll pick that up in proof reading.
I'll be a bit disappointed if this turns into some kind of cupcakes clone though.
Overall, decent effort, I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Ha! I loved the ending to this chapter, just too funny!
(Yes, I used Rainbow on purpose)
And a thing I noticed, is that you use 'said' alot. Stargazer said, Rainbow Dash said, Pinkie Pie said... try using more words, such as replied, or whispered or other things such as that. Other than that though, you did a good job!
I'm tracking this good sir. This is quite good.
191887
Well, it's kind of like cupcakes, except Rainbow Dash is in on it as wall, along with a few others.
192013
Thanks.
Oh shit
I knew pinkie would go to murder!
MY friends she has snaped
i175.photobucket.com/albums/w155/neatynoo/screwed.jpg
mine is swampert
foro.cemzoo.com/picture.php?albumid=1590&pictureid=120222
Okay, this is a bit jumbled.
ANYHOOZLE.
ENJOY!
WHoa..rainbowfactory
O_o
Didn't think that you would end up there!
194692
I know. Even I was like
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i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh136/tigress1167/youmakemelaugh.jpg
194839
Are you sure? Because I was like
motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/small/0812/derp-derp-sonic-lol-4chan-b-demotivational-poster-1229975792.jpg
And then my brother was like
xe2.xanga.com/f7be034530435279275708/z222470355.jpg
And I was like
search4asoulmate.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/bitch-boss1.jpg
And then I said
i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss312/FFFFUUUUUUUU/Advice%20Dog/Misogyny%20Dog/Misogyny-Dog-SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP.jpg
And he was like
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/200/420/BRTky.jpg?1321408042
And I was like
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/9/22/128981532153743949.jpg
So... Yeah.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/184/1/b/I_hate_my_life__by_ohmaigodplz.png
What is the molten liquor?
what gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?
beer100.com/images/beermug.jpg
Can't get enough of it!
beer100.com/images/beermug.jpg
How I really love it!
beer100.com/images/beermug.jpg
Makes me think I'm a man!
Wow bro after all that i got 6 things to
i4.photobucket.com/albums/y129/Acelnorst/WTF.jpg
Wow.....Dash is still faster.
Ok, This is a pretty good chapter. I like this chapter.
Good to see you found a creative way to tell some of your backstory.
I'm looking forward to seeing how all these new characters? States of mind? whatever, interact with each other, along with some more backstory.
Keep up the good work.
195744
Thank you. The backstory part, however. THAT was a complete accident.
Okay guys, take a vote. Should I make my chapters longer?
Wow....What's next a jump into a fight between Mobius and Hunter or Torrentican and Kyly and Nathan?
197797
Actually, no. The Doctor saved me, so I'm going back. HOWEVER!
jarretaubry.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/spoiler_alert.jpg
This will happen to me again sometime later.
Heh...I like How I I've guessed possible events in the author in like 3 of the stories I'm tracking
197877
I don't do that often, I'm just like OH MAN! I WONDER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT... Better wait till they post the new chapter...
adisc.org/forum/attachments/stories-progress/7285d1326332653-monsters-albany-okay-face.jpg
Hey, sorry I took so long to respond, but I was busy.
To answer your question, Yes, you should make the chapters longer, but you shouldn't make them bigger.
At the moment, things seem rushed and slightly nonsensical because you seem to have a problem with descriptions.
For example, Why were there guards in the garbage chute? Why does your character, who has flown his entire life, react so calmly to losing his wings? If he could break out of the chains at any time, why didn't he do it sooner? Finally, if he know's he's in the rainbow factory, why did he get the attention of the most dangerous pony there? If you go into more detail about the world around your character, we can relate with his problems better, and he might even develop as a character more.
You also have a slight problem with the other characters in your story. You can't outrun Rainbow Dash, The Doctor's nearly never unprepared, I'm sure I could go on if I looked harder. You could overcome this by asking how each character will react to the scene.
Take for example, Your character appears out of thin air, as he seems to be doing. Twilight's reaction will be to study him, Fluttershy's to hide, AppleJack's to question him about what happened, etc.
Different characters react differently to what happens. A large part of writing fan fiction is to make sure everyone stays in character.
Now that that's done, Doctor whooves appearing seem's like a bit of an asspull. I expect an explanation.
199192
Dear lord.
I said it looked like a garbage chute, but it lead back into the same room. wings broken? Peace. He didn't break the chains before, because Rainbow Dash would have stopped him, or, he thought he would fall into the machine. Finally, he wasn't the most dangerous because he didn't kill anypony, and appeared out of fucking nowhere. It could draw suspicion, but not as if he were dangerous. Plus, Rainbow Dash never even tried to chase him, she was busy figuring out what the fuck is going on. The Doctor was unprepared because he didn't know that Stargazer was in the Rainbow Factory... Okay never mind. I've never seen Doctor Who, so I have no idea how the TARDIS works, and...yeah. Asspull you say? Well, that was an accident. But, more of your questions will be explained in the next chapter, like why The Doctor appeared there in the first place.
Lol deja vu much because i was reading rainbow factory as i found this chapter XD
dash was like
Sorry guys, no new chapter today due to too much homework.
Alright, calm down. All I'm saying is a little description could go a long way to avoiding these questions.
Show Stargazer flying through the chute and coming out back in the room.
Explain that Rainbow was too shocked to chase him.
Just go a little out of the way to make sure things are clear.
Also, it's generally a bad idea to add devices you don't understand to your story, but I won't complain because I've done the same thing.
I'm sorry if I upset you with my post. It's just that..... You've got potential, man. A little refinement and you could rise above the average.
You're got good characters, plot, I'm sure you've planned this out. The only thing holding you back is your writing.
Now I can give you advice all day, but the best thing to do is read some of the better works on this website, and wonder what they're doing that you're not. Because right now, your story is hardly the best it could be.
And again, I'm sorry if I upset you.
202413
Nah, you don't upset me. This is an entire redone version of my other story that I had to delete because they kept "disapproving" it. And they drew the line when one of them said, "Have fun continuing this fecal matter you call a story." So I had to redo everything. You are just trying to help me. In fact, I believe you're right. Looking through my chapter again makes me feel it needs more description.
So, no, I am not upset.
Yes....I was trisected in my story...but for you.....I can the story writing itself
204166
Um... What? I don't really understand what you just said.
Also, I tried to make my chapter longer this time around.
Also, vote on my blog post here.
This was pretty good.
Some of the parts here made me laugh, so good job.
There's still a few questions, but I'll wait until the new chapters come out, since I'm sure you know what you're doing.
As for the personalities. Hmm, It really depends on how. Will it be a forced removal? Will they leave as Stargazer gains control of them? Is it all at once? You're really given us little to go on here. Personally, I would remove them, because I know that if they start leaving, you can get a whole bunch of drama and tension into the story, on top of the current plot.
Which by the way, seems to keep changing. You really need to decide whether you're writing an action fan fic, Meteors, Cupcakes, Dr Whooves, or a shipping/slice of life fanfic, Starlight, Derpy, Recovering in hospital.
Also, to help you with Phoenix's comment, He's saying that his character also had parts of his personality removed, and it should be easy for you, so he can see your story writing itself.
205568
About the plot...
It's going to change around quite a bit, and I probably should have added a random tab on it. It's going to switch quite a bit, but most of it will be adventure and action. Trust me.
I am also glad that you enjoy it.
Ohhh
i29.photobucket.com/albums/c282/Tokyomewmew156/SHIT-just-got-real.jpg
Nice, That was perfect. Can't wait for the next one
Must read over it
Yeah, glad you like it.