(Oh, dammit dammit DAMMIT! Why here?)
There was an almost balcony structure at the top, and the fillies and colts around me were shitting bricks. The pony on top cackled with insanity.
"What is going on?" An orange filly- Scootaloo?
{Strange... It seems we went back in time.}
She went back to, um, cackling.
"Excuse me? Rainbow Dash? Could you show me where the exit is?" I said. She stopped and looked directly at me with a death glare.
"How did you-" She started.
"It's because I'm from a different universe, mmmkay?" I replied. She looked stunned.
"Wait, Rainbow Dash wouldn't do that!" Scootaloo objected. I flew up to the platform and grabbed the mask, pulling it off. Having Scootaloo see Rainbow Dash in charge of this made her break down into tears.
"Why? W-why would you do this?" She begged.
"Come on! Does anypony else not notice the fact that I know exactly what is going on here?" I looked around the room. "Nopony? Well, let me explain. Rainbow Dash had to join this factory to make rainbows when Princess Celestia gave up after having to control the sun and the moon, and scientists came up with a perfect idea that makes rainbows out of children being dumped into this doohickey over here, which in retrospect, is not a very good idea. Anyways, fillies and colts that fail the exam are killed to make rainbows when-" I felt knowledge taking over,"- the formula is all wrong! X equals T, not R! It's a simple calculation between formulas and mathematics, but while X creates R, T is a much better substitute for X!" I stopped. Everypony was staring at me.
What was that all about?!
{Sorry. It's a bad habit.}
(We gotta get the fuck out of here!)
Strength?
<On it.>
I turned around to the door that was behind Rainbow Dash and sped through it, breaking the door in half. I flew through around a bunch of tubes, wires, and other things.
Can we get out the same way as last time?
<No, we can't do the same thing over and over again if it wastes tons of energy.>
I found a trash duct of some sort and dived through it, only to be back in the same room that had the machine in it. The guards grabbed me and flew me over to Rainbow Dash, who had a pissed expression on her face.
"I don't know who you are, or how you got here, but you are annoying me, and so you will go into that machine next!" She said to me.
(Well, fuck.)
They brought me over to the machine, and, before I thought they couldn't do anything more that could harm me, the broke my wings. Each time with a shriek of pain finding its way out of my mouth. I was held against a wall by two chains in the wall, and they slowly started moving down.
"I think I should make your death slow and painful." Rainbow Dash said.
Well, we're back to where we started.
(Nopony is going to help us this time.)
{Wow. And we only just introduced ourselves.}
[This sucks.]
<Yeah. Funny, though. We have been in near-death experiences a lot of times, but always came clean in the end.>
Wait, I think somepony is whispering.
"Clear, fly, fall, complete."
Oh, shit.
The room bursted with all of the kids flying around the room, and I saw Scootaloo land on the balcony, with her and some other filly trying to buck the door dow- oh wait, that door is already broken. Let me rephrase that. Scootaloo landed on the balcony, only to be caught by Rainbow Dash. She tried to fly to the side to flip the switch up and save me, until Rainbow Dash caught up and started beating the living shit out of her.
[Oooh... That's gotta hurt.]
Rainbow Dash's hooves slowly became stained with blood as she punched scootaloo until death.
Wow. That didn't happen in the story.
Suddenly, a bright light filled the room. I looked up to see an old style telephone box. Doctor Hooves bursted out and was, well, shocked. He didn't know what to do. That is until he threw a piece of metal in the machine to jam it.
"Hurry!" He yelled.
(Now is our chance!)
<Let's try it!>
I gave Strength control and I quickly busted through the chains and landed on the edge of the machine. I tried to fly over to the Doctor, only to remember that my wings are broken. I landed on the ground, pain in my back, but I still crawled over to the telephone box named TARDIS where the doctor already ran into. I opened the door, but felt a sharp pain of electricity run through my back again. I turned around to the guard that tazed me, and punched him in the face. Strength was still in control, so the guard fell down, unconscious.
Come...On...
I opened the door and jumped in, while closing the door behind me. For what felt like the hundredth time, I passed out on the floor.
Wow....What's next a jump into a fight between Mobius and Hunter or Torrentican and Kyly and Nathan?
197797
Actually, no. The Doctor saved me, so I'm going back. HOWEVER!
jarretaubry.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/spoiler_alert.jpg
This will happen to me again sometime later.
Heh...I like How I I've guessed possible events in the author in like 3 of the stories I'm tracking
197877
I don't do that often, I'm just like OH MAN! I WONDER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT... Better wait till they post the new chapter...
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Hey, sorry I took so long to respond, but I was busy.
To answer your question, Yes, you should make the chapters longer, but you shouldn't make them bigger.
At the moment, things seem rushed and slightly nonsensical because you seem to have a problem with descriptions.
For example, Why were there guards in the garbage chute? Why does your character, who has flown his entire life, react so calmly to losing his wings? If he could break out of the chains at any time, why didn't he do it sooner? Finally, if he know's he's in the rainbow factory, why did he get the attention of the most dangerous pony there? If you go into more detail about the world around your character, we can relate with his problems better, and he might even develop as a character more.
You also have a slight problem with the other characters in your story. You can't outrun Rainbow Dash, The Doctor's nearly never unprepared, I'm sure I could go on if I looked harder. You could overcome this by asking how each character will react to the scene.
Take for example, Your character appears out of thin air, as he seems to be doing. Twilight's reaction will be to study him, Fluttershy's to hide, AppleJack's to question him about what happened, etc.
Different characters react differently to what happens. A large part of writing fan fiction is to make sure everyone stays in character.
Now that that's done, Doctor whooves appearing seem's like a bit of an asspull. I expect an explanation.
199192
Dear lord.
I said it looked like a garbage chute, but it lead back into the same room. wings broken? Peace. He didn't break the chains before, because Rainbow Dash would have stopped him, or, he thought he would fall into the machine. Finally, he wasn't the most dangerous because he didn't kill anypony, and appeared out of fucking nowhere. It could draw suspicion, but not as if he were dangerous. Plus, Rainbow Dash never even tried to chase him, she was busy figuring out what the fuck is going on. The Doctor was unprepared because he didn't know that Stargazer was in the Rainbow Factory... Okay never mind. I've never seen Doctor Who, so I have no idea how the TARDIS works, and...yeah. Asspull you say? Well, that was an accident. But, more of your questions will be explained in the next chapter, like why The Doctor appeared there in the first place.
Lol deja vu much because i was reading rainbow factory as i found this chapter XD
dash was like
Sorry guys, no new chapter today due to too much homework.
Alright, calm down. All I'm saying is a little description could go a long way to avoiding these questions.
Show Stargazer flying through the chute and coming out back in the room.
Explain that Rainbow was too shocked to chase him.
Just go a little out of the way to make sure things are clear.
Also, it's generally a bad idea to add devices you don't understand to your story, but I won't complain because I've done the same thing.
I'm sorry if I upset you with my post. It's just that..... You've got potential, man. A little refinement and you could rise above the average.
You're got good characters, plot, I'm sure you've planned this out. The only thing holding you back is your writing.
Now I can give you advice all day, but the best thing to do is read some of the better works on this website, and wonder what they're doing that you're not. Because right now, your story is hardly the best it could be.
And again, I'm sorry if I upset you.
202413
Nah, you don't upset me. This is an entire redone version of my other story that I had to delete because they kept "disapproving" it. And they drew the line when one of them said, "Have fun continuing this fecal matter you call a story." So I had to redo everything. You are just trying to help me. In fact, I believe you're right. Looking through my chapter again makes me feel it needs more description.
So, no, I am not upset.