Shoot For The Stars

by Burritoburger

Draco

Chapter 23: Draco

There was a knock on the door, and I opened it to reveal Draco.
"Good evening, Stargazer. I know we all claimed that we were going to return home, but I can't help but wonder what you meant when you said that you went to different universes." He said. I looked back yesterday, when I met up with Muffin and Draco and the rumor that I went to three different universes went out.
"Come in, I'll explain a bit more." He walked inside.
"Yes, and we haven't even attempted to get to know each other." He said.
"Why do you always talk like that?" I asked, sitting in a recliner while he sat on the couch.
"Yes, I will explain. I lived a...different lifestyle. My father was a dragon, while my mother was a pegasus. How those two species even mix, I do not know. My father was the king of dragons, and he wanted to conquer as many places in the world as possible. He invaded the land of the Griffins, along with many others. My mother was not happy with this, and confronted my father one day. He was enraged at my mother's actions, and murdered her." I winced at the word 'murder'.
"My father wants me to take his place, for it is almost time for me to be king. However, I declined, and he banished me from my own home. I now wander the world, in search for somebody to stop my father. I believe you can truly help with my quest." He explained. I gulped.
"Well, I know how you fell about the dead parents part, but...what? You dad is evil, he killed your mom, and you want me to stop him?" I asked.
"While that is a highly crude explanation, it about sums it up." He responded.
"But, what am I supposed to do?" I asked.
"I have seen you fight. How you can send four more of yourself to fight alongside you." He said.
"Yeah, but, against dragons? That's gonna be tough, with the fact that they probably don't feel up to it." I said.
<I'm up for it.>
{It might be interesting.}
[I've always wanted to see a full grown dragon.]
(Let's whoop their asses!)
"Okay, so they are up for it." I said.
"By the way, you never told me where 'they' came from." He said. I sighed. I think I have lost count with how many times I have had to explain this.
"Okay, so I deliver mail. This black, shadow-like pegasus came out of nowhere, and tackled an innocent citizen. So, I chased him, and he disappeared. Later on, he appeared again, or his voice did, and I was sent to another dimension. In the dimension, these four voices just came on in my head. They claimed to be my consciousness, Anger, Knowledge, Peace, and Strength. They helped me escape the dimension. I was sent to a different one, and got saved by the pony that got attacked before. So, a few days later, my friend murdered somepony." Draco looked up.
"Which friend?" He asked.
"Bumble." I replied. He frowned.
"Don't worry, the entire thing was cleared off. Anyways, I was sent to another universe again, and my consciousnesses fell out of my head, into the real world. I escaped the universe yet again, and found my four clones. And, well, I died. It was wird though, it was as if god gave me a second chance. So after all of that, I found out, or, my consciousnesses found out how to control it. So, they can appear at will." I explained.
"Can you do it now?" He asked.
You guys feel up for it?
(But I'm so tired...)
{It will only be for a second, Anger.}
(Fine.)
The four of me appeared, and Draco inspected them.
"So, these are your four traits that make the full you." He said.
"Precisely." Knowledge said. Draco continued to inspect them. Anger moaned.
"You're just like Twilight." He said.
"Sorry. This is just very intriguing." He said. My clones returned to my head, and we sat back down.
"I can explain one part of your story." Draco said.
"That black pegasus you mentioned, he was an assassin my father hired." He said.
"Why me?" I asked.
"I guess my father knew you would have to be the one." He replied.
"Hm... that makes sense. About two months ago, I stopped a meteorite from destroying Equestria." I said.
"That was you?" He asked. I nodded.
"That must be it. My father witnessed this, and must have wanted to kill you due to it. Well, we must hurry with our mission, time is running out. My father wishes to take over Equestria next." He explained.
"Why?" I asked.
"Equestria is the only place he has failed to conquer." He said
"So, when do we get started?" I asked.
"In a week. Grab a few things, we will need some others to help us. Train a little." He said.
This is gonna be one hell of an adventure.
(This is gonna be awesome!)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
RPT.

I know this makes Stargazer more of a Gary Stu. Deal with it.

Comments

[Nazkan]

I feel the need to clarify some things here. It's not the fact that Stargazer can split himself, or the fact that he can super sayian, or the fact that he occasionally travels dimensions that make him a Gary Stu. It's the fact that the story revolves around him. Coupled with your poor spelling and lack of description of course. When the meteor came, HE was the one to stop it. When Bumble went insane, HE was the one to save both him and Pinkie Pie. When Equestria is about to be attacked, who does everyone go to to save the day? Stargazer. God forbid they use the ponies who already saved the world twice, or the two immortal goddesses. Now at this point, you really need to do something for me. I'm willing to ignore the obvious answers to the problem for the sake of story, but, you need to write more character!
There are, at this point, four personally different ponies about to engage on this adventure. A half insane jokester with a split personality, a loyal and determined prince out to save his livelihood, a jolty and energetic pegasis who can shoot lightning, and Stargazer, a sarcastic, hard to surprise, tough as nails astrologer. Each one is going to react differently to a scene, and by that I mean beyond dialogue.
Lets say, for example, that they get caught in a trap. Right now, Stargazer would do something fabulous, break the trap and beat the shit out of the attackers.
What should happen is, and this is still just my point of view on things, Draco would struggle, setting fire to the ropes. They break, and the group falls to the ground, Lightning tackles the nearest person, Bumble attempts to flee but is pulled back, Draco kicks ass, and Stargazer calls out Strength and Anger to help him out. Together, they wrestle their way through the fight, something plot relevant happens, and the group talks together about it, deciding on the best course of action.
/rant over
In other news, am I the only one who see's the different personalities differently? Like, Intelligence wears glasses, Anger has spiky anime hair, Peace is Jesus. I like how you're managed to keep them partially to their names, so feel good about that.
And work on your descriptions more.
Slightly Depressed
Nazkan

[Iambrony]

Gary stu.......STOP WATCHING CUPCAKES MAN

[Burritoburger]

246106
Actually, Stargazer isn't as much of a Gary Stu as you would think. He has been attacked before, and he couldn't do a thing about it. I do realize that it revolves around him, and I will try to change that as soon as the 'adventure' ends. Plus, it's going to take me about five chapters to get the adventure entirely the way I feel it should be.
246546
What do you mean, stop watching cupcakes? I've never read that story. I learned he phrase from two douchebags who wouldn't stop pestering me on my last story.

[Evocator]

well then
i have but to say one thund
-goes into pure lightning armor and gets lightning sword & shield
LLLLLEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYY
-charges towards evil ponies and slashes, zaps the hell outta them-
JJJEEEEEENNNNKKKKKKKKIIIIINNNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
shit....just...got....EPIC!

[Iambrony]

246606
Well I got two douche bags I need to talk too, who are they exactly?

[Nazkan]

246606
No, you don't seem to be understanding what I'm saying. It's alright to focus on him during the adventure, but you also have 3 other ponies to work with. Why not give them a chance to shine? I remember a story I once had where I spent three chapters showing the adventures of a nameless guy, until he died and the real hero stepped up.
At the moment, I feel no attachment to any of the characters in this story. They could all die and I wouldn't bat an eye. Since this seems to be a turning point in the story, you've been given the perfect opportunity to change this. Show the struggles they go through, show them connecting with each other, show us how their personality's clash over issues, show us why we should care about how this ends.
And just because your character gets his ass whooped doesn't mean he's any less of a Gary Stu. The story is still warped to keep him safe. The only difference is, now he has to depend on people more.
Shoot, that's a good moral. I may take that one for my story.
Just clarifying
Nazkan

[Burritoburger]

246622
You don't seem to be understanding me. To make him less of a Gary Stu, I have done this so the others will all seem as important as Stargazer, if not more.
247145
I've never seen Star Wars. You may be thinking that I'm lying, but I have never seen Star Wars.
246621
No, they ran away a long time ago. I hope now that they realize what they have done, and drew me into depression for an entire month.

[Iambrony]

247840
Damn it! Fine

[Nazkan]

247145
Alright, that was my fault, I should have been clearer.
I meant that his alternate personality is insane, and that makes up around half his character.
Forgive me for my mistake.

Also, I see what you mean. Sorry about that.
Just be careful that you lower everybody to realistic standards instead of raising them all to Gary Stu territory.
Deeply sorry
Nazkan
P.S Stargazer is not like macgyver, but I don't want an argument, so I'll end it here.