• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
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Distorted Flare


Winner Winner Chicken Dinner


T
Source

Dusk Shine has dealt with many trails throughout his life. From clashing with Nightterror Nebula to outwitting the mischievous Eris to thwarting King Nymphamos’s invasion, he'd seen it all.

All in all, Dusk Shine would admit that life was hardly easy. And now, Dusk finds that his mentor's self loathing is the least of his problems as he finds himself thrust into a world where he and his friend... are mares?

edited by Saylux and OverlordCornutt

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 1003 )

Well, let's see how this one develops. :trixieshiftright:

I'll read this later.

A notice a lack of periods in places, and missing capitalisation on some words.
I have to admit, though, that doesn't really matter. Where are you taking this, though, hmm?

Azu

Hmm, it looks like you could use a proofer or editor to help a bit with narrative formalities. There isn't much drescriptive naration in some scenes that could probably use a little bit more. Some transitions are very sudden and ponies or things seem to "appear out of now here."

Other then that, the premise seems very promising, and it makes for an interesting read. :raritywink:

I hope there comes more

"...and a month ago when you accused Tempo of not being herself..."

himself, maybe?

Wow, really well written, must admit I like this story so far, good first chapter.

Good job.

Really enjoyed the characterizations and, well a lot of fun to read.

Oh god...this is so TRACKED

Off to a great start story wise and the quality was far better than I had anticipated. I'm not sure where you plan to go with this since it has the adventure tag, (which I usually skip) but despite this uncertainty you have my thumb, star, and rapt attention!

MORE?! please? and soon. this is good :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

Insta-tracked!:pinkiehappy:
Also, in case is two words, and overreacted is only one.

“And I almost let him rip you from your friends!”

I thought Eris was a girl.:rainbowderp:

Not when you saved Ponyville from being warped, and a month ago when you accused Tempo of not being herself, I walked away from you.

That end...I demand MOAR! :flutterrage:

More! Curiosity demands it!

Also, if you'd like a proofreader..... : )

Eris...
I think I know where that's from. :moustache:

Nice story, now give more of it.
Btw a thing i noticed in the story was that Dusk always called the Prince by his name while Twilight always says Princess or Princess Celestia.
Was this intentional?

1543598

The relationship is not going to be completely the same. The relationship here is between two stallions, not two mares.

I also think it flows better :moustache:

1543205

Haha I was about to squeeze this into the description too :rainbowlaugh:

first off, I'll have to say I love the premise. Lots of questions to be answered, decent intro, and it's cohesive.:twilightsmile:

BUT, to a grammar Nazi (I am borderline) some of the punctuation mistakes and typos just break the flow of the story.:ajsleepy:

Sorry if I sound whiny, but that's just me. PEACE!

1543749

I'm sorry :fluttercry:

I am going to let a pre-reader and editors go through further chapters.

Artemis: Greek goddes of the moon
.....ICWYDT

Wait, in one paragraph, it's Bubble Berry, then one line later, it's Berry Bubble. Which one is it?

1543975

I fixed it. :facehoof: It is Bubble Berry

1543995

Maybe you know (or maybe I should ask Trotsworth, he's the guy who's often credited with creating the male Elements of Harmony, especially their names), but what's Bubble Berry's full name? (Pinkamena Diane Pie is naturally shortened to Pinkie Pie; does Bubble Berry's name follow approximately the same pattern?)

*One reading later*
Oh my~. This is gonna be good. :pinkiecrazy:

This sounds an awful lot like On a Cross and Arrow.

Cool!1544224

Of course it does! That's rule 63 for you!

1543771 If you're looking for pre-readers, I would be more than willing to help. I'm a bit picky sometimes, and it really does look like someone needs to pick at it a little bit. For instance, your last sentence in your story description is:

This is a story about how my life flipped upside.

I think you are missing the word "down" at the end there. Also, your description is a bit iffy. i would rework that if I could.
Besides that, I can say you've left a lot of paths open for this story. What will Celestia's reaction be? How will Dusk react? Just what will happen to him? Will he meet Twilight? Is this in the same storyline as in "On a Cross and Arrow"? Did anyone else get sent along with Dusk? The opportunities are almost endless here, so I will read on (and possibly pre-read, if you're willing to have me). Good luck, and may we meet again soon!

Just incase anyone cared Atremis, in greek mythology, is actually female...just thought I'd point that out, not that it really matters.:twilightsheepish:

1544224

That story is my inspiration, but just because it is rule 63 doesn't mean I'm trying to copy him :twilightoops:

You misspelled "Shining" at the part where Celestia inadvertently calls Dusk Shine in. Other than that, great start!

I am looking forward to more of this! :pinkiehappy:

An editor, some attention from a grammar Nazi, and this story will be very interesting.
For some reason I am a sucker for Rule 63'd Equestria.

1543205 Read description, 1st thought was that.

Life + flipped+upside down = Bel-Air, simple as.

Hmm... this looks like it's going to be very good, Dusk seems well developed and thought out.

Have a fave

Oh, another Rule 63 story. I'm usually all sold on stories of this kind, so like and tracking are in order.

This is going to be awesome... I hope

- i can see it now, the rest of the mane 6 possibly fawning over Dusk,

OR

dusk meets his alternate self, Twilight Sparkel dun Dun DUUUUUN :rainbowlaugh: :twilightsheepish:

Not a bad start.

...I made so many random sounds when I reached the end of this chapter. I'm hoping the new chapter is coming soon. Sooooooon.

“This is too much to take.” It really was.
“Heh, you’re telling me.”

mylittlefacewhen.com/f/2509/

I realized that I should have been looking where I was going when I my horn bumped into something solid

That line needs to be fixed... dank yous! :twilightsmile:
Also I have to say that I enjoyed most of it. However, the sister/brother chat was a little awkward. I know that's probably what it was suppose to feel like (seeing as how it's an awkward moment) but I think some insight into Dusk's mental thoughts/state would be a good thing to do right there... anyways... I'll be watching this story... :twilightsmile:

A new fanfic with Rule 63 characters? :pinkiehappy: Great, it has been a long time since the last.

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