• Member Since 5th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

August


Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world. -The Buddha

E
Source

Twilight Sparkle has always admired Princess Celestia. Her fortitude, her wisdom, her eternal grace and love for all her subjects. Twilight has often fantasized about what it would be like to be in Princess Celestia's horseshoes. She never imagined those fantasies would come true.

---
Events take place a short time after the Crystal Empire's return (early S3).
Proofreading from chapter three-onward provided by Daemon of Decay.
Cover image used with permission from TexasUberAlles, thanks!
Inspiration for Sunny Skies from PhantomFox.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 639 )

Author's Notes stealing the first comment spot? On MY Fimfiction?
It's more likely than you think!

Anyways, well, here it is! I'm really excited to officially be writing my first MLP fanfic. I've been meaning to make one for a long time, but never really got around to publishing one until now. I've read quite a lot of fanfiction during my time here, but I'm rather new to the writing process, so by all means give me criticism. In particular, how was the sentence structure? I tried to keep things fairly concise, provide plenty of imagery and description without beating you guys over the head with massive paragraphs (because I've found that I'm a little verbose at times, if I'm not careful). That was the part I was most worried about (and spent the most time managing) so tell me how I did!

Also one more thing: dialogue. How was it? I have virtually zero formal experience with writing dialogue, so I kinda just tried what sounded natural and hoped it worked. If you guys want to give your criticisms, please do!
i.imgur.com/hHYEh.png

EDIT: A/N now with capital letters! Just for you, Derpmind.
:3

First thing's first, I suppose. Congratulations would first be in order; you've taken an old tale and put your own spin on it. Jolly fine and all that. On to the criticism, then. The most important one is that your paragraphs are much too short. While breaks in acts and scenery are acceptable, you've devolved the whole thing into one-shot continuations on a per-paragraph basis. There's not much essence stated within each of the bodies of words, even less action than one could expect. While correct use of diction would be something to be praised about, you've mercilessly used them to the point that each entry feels only slightly more than the level of a "See Spot Run" book. No one is asking you to put in a whole block of text, but the mode that you have executed the story in with regards to this particular adventure leaves quite a bit to be desired, even if the premise is entertaining.

Formatting aside, you might want to put a little bit more emotion in each action that accommodates your paragraphs. They feel very wooden, like string puppets, although I can see that you've attempted to do so on a few of Twilight's particular interactions. As it is still early days, I hope to see improvements, especially some introspect in future additions to the story. I won't be clicking "like" or "dislike" just yet, because we've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Good luck in the future and I hope to see improvements in regards to your writing.

Ah-hah, now there's an attention-grabbing start! Parallel universe, memory loss or mental virus? Taking all bets! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

Oh.

Ohhhhh.

AWWWWWW YEAH.

I like this. I like this A LOT. I don't think I've seen anyone touch on this kind of concept for a twilight alicorn story.
Tracking the hell out of this. This is your first fic on here? JESUS man whatever magic you're doing keep doing it.

As for comments on the story, it's very easy to read and twilight's reactions are all very appropriate for this
strange world she's in. I have no complaints so far with the writing structure. Can't wait to see more! :twilightsmile:

Oooh I like. Rather different take on the normal "BANG - wake up with wings" - routine. Proceed. :pinkiehappy:

For being "new to the writing process," you're doing better than many more-established writers, I think. I suppose you might want to consider giving in to the verbosity just a little; the writing now works well enough (And is rather above-average, at least as fan-fiction goes), but some more emphasis on certain aspects, and carrying a bit more continuity over multiple paragraphs, rather than handling them strictly as discrete events, might make the flow of the story more appealing. It's a minor criticism at most, as the writing is already pretty competent.

I'd mention the fact that the main visible aspect of the story so far (Alicorn Twilight) is a pretty well-established trope, but I don't think that's a hindrance here. You've already got it going in an unusual direction (And new is good), with the alternate-universe deal, and it can be a lot of fun to see a story that does new things with an old cliche... and considering my own first story, I wouldn't have much ground to complain about cliches! :twilightblush: In any case, it comes across as a story that uses the trope, but isn't just the trope, and that's a good place to be. A good story can use an established trope or cliche and make it feel fresh, and so far this looks to have a good shot at doing that.

It's a bit early to tell, but the dialog is looking good so far, and more importantly, it felt right for the characters involved. I'd have to see more to say for sure, but what you've got so far is good.

Anyway, I'm very interested to see where this goes!

Ok! I think you should deserve an award for:

THE MOST WTF OPENING CHAPTER IN ALL OF EXISTANCE!

This literally made me laugh so hard that I fell off my chair. :rainbowlaugh: I don't know if it was supposed to. :yay: Though you should win an award my friend, for the best opening paragraph ever. 5/5 Moustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: Love it!

Interesting indeed! As far as I have read it's quite a unique way to start a alicorn Twiligt story, definitly worth tracking!
You, Sir or Madam, have caught my interest :twilightsmile:

I'd tap this.

In fact, I am tapping this. Hard.

It's hard to say much at this early stage of the fic, of course, but I am quite weak to fics involving Big!Spike for some reason.

In any case, remember that the best way to please your readers is FAST AND QUALITATIVE UPDATES! :D
Carry on.

“Princess Eos, what’s wrong?!”

Eos. See what you did there. Greek goddess of dawn, right? You stole that name from me for my Twilight-is-Nightmare Moon story. Good job, now it'll look like a ripoff. (For the record, I do know it IS a popular Twilicorn name. And I'm not complaining, just stating that this name was on a list I'm in the process of choosing for said fic. Please, I'm not a whinyass My Immortal writer)

Also, on another note, good so far. Though I noticed it should be capitalized in some places, it's nothing you'll get hated for.

"What it would be like if you were cursed and nopony would remember you existed?"
I see what you did there :raritywink:

Alicorn Twilight? Downvo-- Wait, what? Holy shit, this is actually pretty cool! Liked and faved. Don't disappoint me. You wouldn't like me when I'm disappointed.

1725016
You do realize that Eos is the most used name for alicorn Twilight, right? It's used in quite a few stories, not just yours.

It was dark within the Ponyville Library. The sun had set to give way to dusk; the only source of illumination within was a single sputtering candle, and the lavender glow of Twilight Sparkle’s magic. She was standing in front of her desk beside the window, writing a letter.

This almost ruined it for me. Weather reports. Do not use them to begin your story. You saved it by not having the day be bright and sunny, but its just not an interesting way to begin.

The section with the dream is all in italics, but preceded and followed by a scene break. This is unnecessary. You flat out state its a dream, the italics add nothing and detract from the readability.

The use of capitals should really be restricted to the royal canterlock voice. Twilight's thoughts should be panicked yes, but she is not really "shouting in her own head.".

Minor points really, but I wanted to share them. Nice opening.

I am completely confused.. don't mean I won't keep reading but I am not sure I enjoy it... I take pride in having read or am reading every single story in the Alicorn Twilight catagory... even if that means reading whart I don't like.

“Well, uh, like what? Fate? Life and death? What it would be like if you were cursed and no one could remember that you existed?”

vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlpfanart/images/a/a4/Luna_saw_what_you_did_there.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121219171810

I came, I read. And I love it. Congrats making to the fracture box! Lot of fresh potential in this. Well, keep them up and don't rush it.:pinkiehappy:

Improper comma usage sprinkled here and there. Comma's aren't suppose to be used as pauses so some thing like [With that statement, Twilight let the last strand(or equivalent) of her sanity fade] should have no commas. On the other appendage commas are used as separators.

All in all looking forward to more.

ONE WORD: moaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar

pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz add more this is one of the best ones i have read and it was goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

1725016

The fact you came here to complain about it makes you look like a petty writer to begin with, just doing it for validation. Even a ripoff would be better than that.

... Wow. Now this is a hell of an opening chapter.

Sir, you had my curiosity. Now, you have my attention. :moustache:

Favorited and upvoted!

More please!

Well feck. Someone beat me to it. Same cover art as well. Oh well, hakuna matata as they say. :rainbowlaugh: Quite a good opening if I do say so.

Do you plan on a sequel with fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/66582.png?1354208330 this?

Wow, thats interesting story I have to admit, I wonder how Twilight as Eos managed her kingdom in this probably alternative universe, who replaced Nightmare Moon, who is Twilight faithful student, what are curent mane 6 in her world, what kind of threats are there, do she will have to send her faithful student to deal with super villan like Celestia did with Twilight ( Celestia send Twilight uninformed and without support, risking her student life and Equestria was at stage, in Twilight as Eos case, Twilight know so little about this place, that she may probably also send her student to deal with critis without giving her/him any informations and support, but in her case she realy know nothink about threats and is not experienced to use her new powers and not know her military to assist or send any support.

But yea, I will be looking foward to next chapters.

What was done surprisingly well. Good work, keep it up!

1725016
AH ha ha ha! Good one.
But we all know that Ciroton was the first to use the name Eos in his "Sunset".

AUTOMATIC UPVOTE ALICORN TWILIGHT YAY BEST FIC

great start to the chapter cant wait to see what happens next.:eeyup:

1725651
Don't troll stories you don't have to. It's like every rom-com, yet nobody stops THEM from being made.

I liked the concept, but you need an editor. There is a plethora of grammatical errors...

Good story though! :pinkiehappy:

1724585 *sees AU tag* I put my money on parallel universe.

1725016 Oh don't worry, it IS a rip-off. You ripped it off from Greek Mythology. Seriously? You're going to try and claim ownership of an concept from ancient Greece? Bad form, bad form.

wow! thank you for all the views and comments!
this just makes me so much more excited to continue writing!

1724559
thank you, and duly noted!
i don't think there's much i can do to seriously change up the paragraph structure of this chapter right now, but i'll definitely try and take that into account for future chapters.

1724599
thanks! i'm glad you loved it
:twilightsmile:

1724618
yeah, i tried my best to try something new with the Alicorn!Twilight story. i've always been really into that genre (one of the first fics i read on this site was kinda the reverse, Sunny Skies All Day Long. without spoiling anything, we'll see something like that later), so i really wanted to give something back to it with my own take on the concept. also, i love it whenever i see someone using the word 'Trope'.

1724926
hmm, Cry For Eternity is on my Read-Later list.
i should really go read that...

1725016
i've never read any of your stories, so any stealing of ideas was on complete accident.
i will be honest though, the idea of "Eos" as the name for Princess!Twilight came from the fic Sunset. i loved the idea so much that i decided to use it myself. i don't feel like it's stealing though, since it's just a name out mythology anyway. i think it fits perfectly.

1725497
hmm, for the unlikely distant future i did have a couple ideas....
but i like that image, that'd be super fun to write.
:rainbowlaugh:

1725519
the next couple chapters will explain a lot of the backstory, though of course i won't be giving everything away at once in some giant exposition dump. i kinda feel bad that i left this chapter with virtually no explanation for anything yet, but i was worried it was already getting a little long for an intro chapter already, hehe.

1725857
that image.
HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG - *dead*
my ghost: great, now you guys'll never get an update.
:trollestia:

I fucking enjoyed that, it's rare when you get a fanfic so interesting as this. When's chapter 2 coming out?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!