A Bit Sad, Innit?
The sound of a door being hastily thrown open causes Starlight Glimmer to look up from the Friendship Map, her furrowed brow and tired eyes making it clear that she is under quite a bit of stress at the moment. The new arrival is none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle, her old mentor. Twilight looks just as exhausted as Starlight, and they exchange a knowing look.
"Hi, Starlight." Twilight's voice sounds tired and winded, likely caused by how much of a rush she was in to visit the Castle of Friendship after receiving a letter from Starlight hours prior in Canterlot.
"Hey. I'd love to chew the fat with you a little bit, but we have more important matters to attend to."
"I'll say. They've been flooding into Equestria like crazy, and we aren't prepared for this many visitors at once." Twilight quickly makes her way towards the Friendship Map and takes a seat next to Starlight. "What is this 'new island' you mentioned?"
"Right there." Starlight points a hoof towards the section of the map that ordinarily portrays the Celestial Sea. However, the once-empty body of water now has a large landmass smack dab in its center. "It just... showed up."
"Yeah, I sent some pegasi over that way to scout the area after those 'humans' started pouring into Manehattan on those massive boats of theirs. They confirmed that there's a new island, all right. And it's BIG."
"Really?"
"Well, big enough to be a country, I suppose."
"What were they calling it? The 'you-kay?'"
"I believe it's known as the United Kingdom, but I'll admit, it was difficult to understand them through their thick accents."
"We should probably consider ourselves lucky that we speak the same language at all."
"Sometimes, it doesn't feel like we do."
"STARLIGHT!" Twilight and Starlight both look to the door in surprise as a panicked voice fills the space. The frantic form of Rarity fills the doorway, her usually pristine mane now frazzled and unkempt. "We have a problem! There are a bunch of these 'Anon' creatures walking into Ponyville and- oh hello Twilight, how are you?"
"Hi, Rarity. Uh, what were you saying?"
"Hm? Oh, right! Darlings, it is simply dreadful! They all look exactly the same! They keep using terminology I don't understand! One of them came into the boutique and asked me for some 'trousers!' And they always, always, walk around with-" For a third time, the nearby door opens, cutting Rarity off mid-sentence. The three mares gasp as a tall, bipedal creature walks into the room. His clothes are dreadfully plain, he wears an expression that screams "I want to die," and he carries a small porcelain teacup with a bit of steam rising from it. "...Tea."
"All roight, what's all this then?"
"H-hello," Twilight says sheepishly. "Can we help you with something?"
"Can you help me with something? Yeah, I'd bloody well say you can! This 'Equestria' of yours is a pile of rubbish!"
"Excuse me?"
"You're the princess, yeah? Think you can do something about me and my mates here?"
The man sticks up his thumb and points it behind him, just in time for seven other nearly identical men to enter the room.
"H-hello, everycreature. What can I-"
"Everycreature?!" One of the men looks at Twilight incredulously. "Blimey, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Just say 'everybody' and be done wit' it!"
"Now hold on-"
"And your tea is bloody terrible! Are you taking the piss, or are you just that incompetent?"
"Sir, I'm very confused, and I'm going to have to ask you all to leave. This space isn't open to the public."
"Well the door was open, so don't get your knickers in a twist over something that was your own damn fault."
"I shouldn't have to-"
"Oi!"
Everyone present suddenly faces the door. Again. Another man enters, and while he physically looks nearly identical to the other men, he wears a neon vest and rounded hat that makes him stand out.
"Shite, what's a bloody bobby doin' here?!" The other men seem surprised by this one's entrance.
"You lot!" The "bobby" points at the three shocked mares, then towards the Friendship Map. "You got a loicense for that table?!"
"I... I'm sorry?"
"Really, can't trust you horses wit' anything. We really thought it'd be a good idea to let a game of football go on for three bloody days. Next thing we know, the whole damn country disappears and everything's gone to pot."
"Hey," another one of the men mumbles, "I guess we really did take the whole 'Brexit' thing seriously, eh?"
"Shut the hell up, ya wanker."
"Ahem." Twilight clears her throat quite loudly, causing all present to finally shut up and face her. "If you can't be cordial, I'm going to have to insist that you leave."
"Yeah, tell that to the whole bleedin' country stuck in your weird ocean thing."
"...Starlight."
"Yes, Twilight?"
"Contact the mayor of Manehattan. They're the closest to this 'United Kingdom' place, right?"
"Yeah, but what do you want me to say?"
"Tell them we're having a tea party."
"We're having a what now?"
"Hah! A tea party held by you lot is bound to be rubbish!" One of the men mocks Twilight, but she stares daggers into him.
"Don't worry. We won't be using our tea."
"I beg your pardon?"
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"
A crowd of ponies stands along the shore of Manehattan, watching with trepidatious, albeit somewhat cocky, expressions as tons and tons of boxes of tea are thrown into the Celestial Sea. The many human men standing among the crowd recoil in shock and disgust at the heinous action.
One mare, the mayor of Manehattan, turns to face the man that cried out when the tea was dumped.
"Repeating history for our independence, that's what we're doing."
"There is no way you have your own United States!"
"You're right, we don't. But considering you folk don't ever shut up, and these 'United States' seem to live rent-free in your minds, it didn't take us long to find a history book over in your 'London' place and make a plan from there."
"Y-you came to the United Kingdom?! Who said you could do that?!"
"Who said you could come to Equestria?"
"W-well... we don't usually ask before settling down in other peoples' lands."
"Hm. Riveting. Anyway."
The mayor nods, clearly giving a signal of some kind. Dozens upon dozens of unicorns all emerge from the crowd, their horns glowing in unison. A cacophony of cries can be heard as each and every human in the crowd is magically lifted into the air before being loaded onto one of their massive, gaudy boats polluting the bay.
"You're out of your minds!"
"If you hate it here so much, you'd better not be complaining that we're sending you home!"
The mayor nods once again, and a swarm of pegasi begin to push the boat out to sea. For all intents and purposes, they really shouldn't be strong enough to do so, but the boat moves all the same. Following this pattern, it takes a comically short amount of time for every single one of these British invaders to be sent right back to the United Kingdom, and once the last of those pale, grumpy men are loaded back into their homeland, Princess Twilight Sparkle and her five closest friends make themselves known on a small wooden boat of their own.
"Now then. Girls, are you ready?"
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all nod in unison. They each begin to float in the air as their eyes begin to glow, and a rainbow aura slowly begins to surround them. The aura...
Well, you've probably seen this part before.
Moments later, the United Kingdom disappears. How are the Elements of Harmony able to teleport an entire island back to its original world? They aren't quite sure themselves, but nopony is questioning the blessing that is being able to get rid of the British.
Twilight lowers her head, closes her eyes, and sighs a deep, tired sigh.
"Well, I'm glad that's over with. Hopefully everything will go back to normal now."
"I still can't believe the solution was that easy," Rainbow Dash responds. "I mean, we just hit 'em with a friendship beam and bish bash bosh, it's all taken care of." Twilight lifts her head and narrows her eyes at Rainbow Dash as her other friends look on in shock and horror. "...What?"
"Girls?" The other four look at Twilight with fear in their eyes. "We're going to need to set up a quarantine zone."
"W-wait, what? What are you talking about?"
"Sorry Rainbow, I didn't realize being British was contagious. We need to stop this before it spreads."
"I must agree," Rarity adds. "Hopefully it won't take too long. A bit sad, innit?"
...
Oh no.
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Oi!
NOT THE BRITISH!
Couldve been worse.
Any longer, and Pinkie wouldve been MURDERING A CURRY.
Actually, I think I might recognise those guys. Manchester or Liverpool?
OH NO
B R * T I S H
I'm not sure what that was, and I don't think I particularly want to.
Oh god THIS IS SCARY AND FUNNY
I GOTTA GET AN EXPERT!
as a brit
yes
After months away, I log on and the first thing I see is this. How terribly typical.
10 imperial points out of 12, my dear boy. Those two points are deducted for writing without applying for planning permission to do so.
'Terrifying twist ending
'
Well. Equestria doesn't have a Boston ripoff. So this works I guess.
... Rarity is already British, isn't she? Her accent sounds like it at least.
And then the stereotype yanks appear and they realise there all trapped in a monty python sketch
at least it wasnt the fr*nch
They then hear the following, echoing over waves accompanied by the glow of two lanterns.
Lyrics: Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand / Between their loved home and the war's desolation / Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land / Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation. / Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, / And this be our motto: "In God is our trust." / And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave / O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
Oi! You got a loicense for a story this brilliant?!
The British be like...
11726536
And her family is as American as can be too.
11726445
Third British invasion.
Were Colonizing Equestria with this one 🗣 🗣🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧☕☕☕☕☕☕
Not bad for an hour's work, what.
If your sole knowledge of British culture is strong tea, bad cuisine, even worse teeth, football hooliganism, the Brexit vote, silly accents, bobbies on the beat and certain 'unique' phrases and words like 'Stone The Crows', 'Blimey Guvnor' and 'Nappy, Pavement' then this may be one of the greatest fics ever.
You also may be stuck in the distant past of London just post-WWII, hitting out at an 'acceptable' target (along with Christians, white people, the elderly etc) and American by birth. As for all the stuff about 'colonialism', you might want to look closer to home for a good example of this. LIke, all around you.
Remember: the UK was among the first countries to ban slavery, and during it's empire days it actually benefitted a lot of the countries it controlled (among with plenty of bad stuff, of course). But that's a debate for another time, not a can of worms I want to open in the comment section of a daft off-the-cuff fic like this.
Still, well done on getting your latest upvote magnet at the top of the features box. Looking forward to your next fic already, about a friendly human seducing a pony in a variety of 'humourous' and romantic ways. Very original. Have fun!
P.S You didn't even mention we spell a lot of words with an extra 'u'. What a missed opportunity!
P.P.S And not even one reference to Her (now His) Majesty at all. Sacrilege!
P.P.P.S Off I go to write a story about the whole of Equestria appearing in the middle of... *Sticks pin in map* Kentucky. Wish me luck! (First thought: how will Scootaloo react to being chased around by The Colonel?)
11726615
Good movie, but it's "In triumph doth wave." Now get it right, or pay the price.
Reminder that that stoopid "as you never heard it" video is ridiculous, exaggerated trash.
See Asimov's famous essay on the subject instead.
https://www.flagstoreusa.com/resources/flag-histories/the-star-spangled-banner/
11726762
There!
Happy now, DAAAAAAAAADDDDD?!?!?!?
11726752
I'm looking forward to it!
11726771
So am I! Halloween is just around the corner... time for a rewatch I think...
m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41-0BmMDl9L.__AC_SX300_SY300_QL70_ML2_.jpg
I don't know what's funnier.
The actual fic or all the downvotes on joke comments for what is a joke story.
A BIT SAD, INNIT ?
LOL
I wonder if Celestia would like The Lambeth Walk. According to wiki, the late Elizabeth II was a fan and was known to enthusiastically join in with the "Oi!" chorus during performances.
But then, IIRC, Nicole Oliver remarked at some point that Celestia was a huge 80s rock fanfilly. I guess she'd prefer Pink Floyd.
Clearly, Luna prefers Gilbert and Sullivan.
The ending could be worse. Ponies might be turning into Scots, thanks to alien blancmange.
Oi! You got a license to write this fic about the British?
Oh no... not the British
11726816 Oh no... Rockhoof might already be Scottish! IT'S TOO LATE!! (DETONATES ALL THE MEGASPELLS... and triggers FOE) Hey it's better than the alternative!
11726592 The French would just surrender.
11726752 He could have REALLY hit hard and featured British cooking.
A parody Bri'ish story that mentions football but doesn't have a fat shirtless tattooed bloke screaming about Ingerland? Downvoted, blocked, reported, dialled 999, wrote a letter of complaint to my MP.
11726592
Ponies VS the French
The "French" already made their debut in G1.
Yes, this is a totally legit episode.11726536
Strictly speaking, Rarity speaks with a Mid-Atlantic accent (a hybrid accent that combines British and American influences; many actors in the 1930s and 1940s had this accent as it was quite easy to understand).
As a British person, I am truly sorry that Equestria only seemed to get people from the south. It'd be hilarious seeing Yorkshiremen trying to make sense of the place!
I miss the days of the English stereotypes being quiet and educated.
Giles and Wesley in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lord Marbury in The West Wing, Evie and Jonathan in The Mummy, Julian Bashir in Deep Space Nine, Pip in South Park, most roles played by Jeremy Irons. Even the mid-Atlantic thing that Rarity has, not to mention Fancy Pants and Fleur-de-Lis.
Then again, I miss the days of the English being quiet and educated.
I once saw a conversation online that went like this:
German: Hey, our food is pretty great here in Europe.
American: Have you heard of a place called "England"?
German: No, because it doesn't exist.
Brit: Don't do that. Don't give me hope.
11726909
That's even worse then.
11726910
Are they even worse? Somehow.
11727053
Is it? Opaline (in G5) speaks with a British accent (a very convincing one given her VA is Canadian).
People from Yorkshire can be blunt, but in my experience are friendlier than southerners. (My parents are from Yorkshire BTW.)
11727079
Rarity's always felt she's either adopted or she's faking it to sound more elite than she actually is. Since she's the only pony in her family to have this accent.
Did they at least ask if Equestria had a flag before settling?
The song playing in my head when I'm reading this story.
11727139
Disguising a natural accent is very common in the social world Rarity moves in-it gives us a clue of her social climbing intentions as having a 'regional' accent (like her parents do) was frequently mocked by high society (notice how a lot of upper class unicorns in Canterlot speak in a similar, neutral accent barring Fancy Pants, who takes RP to the extreme). Compare this to Pipp, who despite being from a super posh background speaks in the manner of a typical teenager.
11727208
At least they tried.
Them gosh darn britbongs are at it again.
RULE BRITANNIA!
For those people who keep disliking joke comments about Britain:
learn how to win a war 👍
11726730
We’re*
Shaking my head. I’m glad English was taken out of the hands of the English.